Dr. Jekly turned into Mr. Hyde

[Mamaintexas82]

Hello everyone. I just recently went through a breakup, and I am wondering what the hell went wrong. I am not looking to get back with my ex, but just needed some input or perspective from a neautral third party. This may be lengthy, so I hope you readers are patient! Please refrain from any insults, sarcasm, or otherwise rude comments. Thanks so much!

 

I met this man on a dating website at the end of February. He was the first man I have dated in over a year and a half. We met within a couple weeks of talking on the phone, and initially hit it off.

 

am a single mother, and he is also the dad of two young boys. As a parent, I take my role very seriously, and expect the same out of a potential partner. This was one of the first things I talked with him about, and he gave me the strong impression that he was very active in his boys lives.

 

Things progressed rather quickly, especially on his end. I was initially a little concerned, but I decided to give him a chance and to me he seemed like a truly authentic and good man. He told me he loved me after a month. I was taken back by this, because I did not want to be suckered into another whirlwind romance. But again I believed he was genuine and I really connected with him, began to feel the same way.

 

As time went on, I noticed some things were not quite adding up as far as his sons go. I noticed he did not talk about them much, and he rarely talked to them on the phone while I was around. He only saw them maybe 4 times the 4 months we were together. Yes he has a demanding work schedule, but he only lives one hour away from them and their mother was not the kind to keep the kids away. A few times I brought up if he had seen or talked to his kids, and he was very vague about it. I asked him plain as day, "why aren't you seeing your kids more?" He told me he does not know but he knew he did not want to disappoint them. He said it had nothing to do with not feeling good enough or anything. His sister and law also mentioned that she did not know why he did not spend more time with them, and come to find out he left out of state with his ex girlfriend who had children last year. I asked him how could he leave his own kids like that, and again his response is, "I don't know." This really bothered me, and I told him one night on the phone that I did not feel right about it. It was not okay to spend time with me and call me, and not do the same consistently for his children. I also said to him, "what kind of man will you be for me or for my own child if you cannot be there for your own. If I don't see you making more of an effort, then I cannot enable this and I have to walk away." He was frustrated and got off the phone upset with me. Things went back to normal after that night and we continued to communicate regularly, and he even spent time with his sons the following weekend. I did feel a slight distance from him and he had the chance to come spend time with me (we live over and hour away from each other) but chose to spend it with his work buddy who is also an army veteran.

 

His work schedule continued to get more demanding. He is a truck driver for a local company, and refused to tell them no even when they had him working insane hours back to back. He says he was saving up money, and also come to find out he was not pushed to pay child support from his boys mother, because she lives with her well to do parents and did not need it. He bought his son a guitar, and knows how to string them, but sent his son home telling him to watch a YouTube video to learn how to do it. Because of his schedule, he was not seeing his boys, and not trying to see me. He had a full day off and did not take the time to visit them or me, and decided to sleep all day long. I understand being tired, but sleeping over 17 hours is a bit much. I told him to enjoy his day off all to himself when he got a hold of me that afternoon. I was aggravated because he chose to do that rather than spend time with people in his life. I had attempted to see him when I could and knew it was easier for me that him, and I was willing to put in the extra effort but did not get the same. I then began to question if I was what he really wanted and he said yes. I also asked if there was anyone else and he asked why I would ask him that and that of course I am the only woman for him and he is the most loyal person I would ever meet. He always gave me endless compliments and how perfect I was for him, and it bothered him that I doubted his feelings for me.

 

The next day, I never heard from him. Instead of whining or crying about it, I just texted him, "I'm alive! No wait I thought I could not breath for a second holding my breath waiting to hear from you!" Yes it was obviously sarcastic but I did not expect him to breakup with me through a text message. He told me I was a great woman, that I would find what I am looking for because he could not be the man I needed him to be because he works so much and is too focused on work. I still had his army field jacket and he told me to mail it back to him. He bought car parts and told me to Keep the money, but use part of it to mail his jacket back. And lastly, that my sarcasm was not appreciated since he is trying to be safe on the road. He did not have the decency to break up with me to my face or over the phone, and refused to talk to me after I tried calling. I was not begging for him to change his mind, but to have more respect for me and break up with me the way a grown man should. So of course I was not jumping on sending his jacket right away. I told him he could come get it, he accused me of stealing it. He threatened to take me to small claims court, I told him go ahead I have dealt with bigger and badder...he then proceeded to call me a "dumb bitch" and to keep the jacket. I said I would just burn it. I get called an "unpratriotic cunt". He then continues to be very disrespectful and says other nasty things, and I asked him why are you talking to me like that "I am the devil, I am evil and I am proud of it." I told him I would tell his family because he seemed to play the victim a lot in his other relationships, and his response was "bitch this is nothing...my family knows how evil i can be." He was involved in a motorcycle club, 6 year army (infantry) vet, and is from a family of outlaws and biker men.

 

I decided to drop off his jacket a couple of days later since I was working close to his town. I travel for work and thought this would be better to just get it over with. When I see him standing outside, of course my anger comes out. It never got physical, I just told him how I felt and how bad he treated me and turned in me for no reason. This man was sweet and tender with me, and I honestly did not think he would talk to me this way and treated like garbage. I would not leave right away, and he called the cops and his family on me to get me to leave. He then tells me, "you just would not leave me alone about my boys. You just kept pushing and pushing." I did not push, I just cared enough to tel the truth. I told him this and some other things, and he continuously told me "**** you" to everything I had to say. No one else in his life seemed to push him to do what's right, and just let him be the way he is. I left before the police or his family got there, not because I was scared, but because of who he turned into right in front of my eyes. We have not talked since, no word from him and I have not reached out. I'm just shocked someone could turn on me so fast, and turn into someone else. I am loyal and honest and have no ill motives and would not intentionally hurt anyone. This man said he was just as loyal and silly me I actually believed him. Your thoughts?

Edited June 11, 2017 by Mamaintexas82

[Maldives]

To be honest I think u were just a little too demanding and ure expectations were too high.

Ur wanting him to be like u and then wen he's not re his kids u didn't like it.

Doesn't excuse his bad behaviour in the end but if u wanna answer as to why he left that's it. I'd be out the door as well if a woman was demanding time and I'm dead tired it's too hard and too much work.

[Mamaintexas82]

To be honest I think u were just a little too demanding and ure expectations were too high.

Ur wanting him to be like u and then wen he's not re his kids u didn't like it.

Doesn't excuse his bad behaviour in the end but if u wanna answer as to why he left that's it. I'd be out the door as well if a woman was demanding time and I'm dead tired it's too hard and too much work.

 

I could understand that if I was demanding to see him everyday or every week. We only got to see each other every other week at the most, and if you had the chance to see the ones you love, even for a little while, it is too much to ask to go out of your way just a little bit? I was very understanding of his work schedule, and though I did not work the same job or hours, I work myself, raise my daughter primarily on my own, take care of myself and my home, etc. and as tired as I was, I tried to see him when possible. But like I said to him, if he was not making his own flesh and blood a priority, then how could he make me one?

[barky2]

When the words don't make sense, watch the actions.

 

 

Trust me.

 

Guard your heart and put one step forward.

 

 

Barky

[Mamaintexas82]

When the words don't make sense, watch the actions.

 

 

Trust me.

 

Guard your heart and put one step forward.

 

 

Barky

 

 

 

such simple yet very true words of wisdom

[Zahara]

He didn't turn into someone else. That's who he truly is -- people don't usually show their true nature in the beginning of a relationship. But you got an early sign by the way he was treating his children. You chose to look past it when that was clearly an indication that you needed to walk away. You don't push your expectations on someone else and hope for them to do what you believe is right. If they don't fall within your value system, you move on.

 

You were trying to make him be what you wanted him to be and that was clearly grating on him. The sarcasm didn't help and he likely felt controlled by you.

 

In any case, this is a blessing for you. The next time you see red flags, walk away.

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't turn into someone else. That's who he truly is -- people don't usually show their true nature in the beginning of a relationship. But you got an early sign by the way he was treating his children.

 

I absolutely agree.

 

This is who he is, OP. He didn't change; you're simply peeling back the layer he wanted you to see at first, and you got a glimpse of the ugly core underneath the shiny and unblemished skin.

 

You felt something was off with him early on, and you were right. Not seeing his kids, racing through the courtship phase to the I-love-you phase...serious red flags. Next time, please do listen to your gut when it's telling you something isn't right. You were right.

[elaine567]

Sounds like he is a guy from a macho culture who feels his main aim in life is to provide and to not get too involved with kids or women for that matter.

He works, he eats, he sleeps, he brings home the bacon and you just have to fit in.

I guess his "well to do" ex wife wasn't too keen on that arrangement either, hence why they split.

 

I am sure he is not that bad a guy, he is just totally incompatible with you and when you kept questioning him about his way of life and tried to change him and then cornered him, he exploded.

[OatsAndHall]

Learn from the situation and move forward.

 

I dated a single mother for awhile who worked an hour away from home. Initially, we would meet for coffee on the weeknights for an hour or two and then she'd head home to be with her kids. We "graduated" from weeknight coffee to weekend dinners and I didn't think much of it. But, as time went on, I found out that she was staying in town on the weeknights and going out with her co-workers. She would text me and ask if we could see each other after she'd been out with her friends and I declined on many occasions. Then she started showing up at my place drunk and I called it off with her. A break-in attempt and two police calls later and I found myself with a stalker.. So, I certainly learned a lot from that whole circus.

 

I am dating a woman with children right now and paid very close attention to how she split her time up. She places the kids before me and I respect her a great deal for that. I would have ended things with her is she was leaving her boys at home on a continual basis to spend time with me.

[Mamaintexas82]

I absolutely agree.

 

This is who he is, OP. He didn't change; you're simply peeling back the layer he wanted you to see at first, and you got a glimpse of the ugly core underneath the shiny and unblemished skin.

 

You felt something was off with him early on, and you were right. Not seeing his kids, racing through the courtship phase to the I-love-you phase...serious red flags. Next time, please do listen to your gut when it's telling you something isn't right. You were right.

 

Yes so very true. I knew something was up, but I wanted to give him the chance to do the right thing and to try and understand him more. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and to make the right choices when all reality the cards are all on the table.

[Mamaintexas82]

Sounds like he is a guy from a macho culture who feels his main aim in life is to provide and to not get too involved with kids or women for that matter.

He works, he eats, he sleeps, he brings home the bacon and you just have to fit in.

I guess his "well to do" ex wife wasn't too keen on that arrangement either, hence why they split.

 

I am sure he is not that bad a guy, he is just totally incompatible with you and when you kept questioning him about his way of life and tried to change him and then cornered him, he exploded.

 

What I have learned from this experience is to be with a man who is what I want, not a fixer upper. I have my own inner work to do I have come to realize.