Coolree Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) Hey everyone. I've been lurking here for about a month, since my boyfriend dumped me out of the blue. It's helped to read posts here from others in similar situations, but I would love to have some feedback on my specific circumstances. I'll try and keep this as to-the-point as possible. I have dated a lot, been married, been divorced. However, this break up has been the most challenging for me. We were only together a little less than a year. But we were friends (I would say best friends) for 11 years. He has a history of breaking hearts and being a commitment-phobe. I know this. We became roommates and ultimately developed a romantic relationship. We began dating and I went into this with extreme caution, knowing how he is. He treated me better than anyone else. He began making future plans with me, talked about kids, buying a house. We had a realtor and planned to buy a house this summer. Talked about where we would live. Talked about how I would help him go back to school, since I will soon be securing a new work position. He always was supportive, warm, caring, always returned my calls and told me if he would be late. We laughed, had fun, went on adventures. Hardly ever had disagreements, but if we did we talked it out and moved on. Sex was good and plentiful. I began to believe that he wouldn't hurt me. After all, he came up with these plans... not me. I was really happy and he also appeared happy. He began quationing things but we decided he was depressed about work and moved on. He dumped me in a text message months later. The day before he dumped me he told me he loved me. He told me a million things that were wrong with me, including how he was less attracted to me, I'm too emotional, too negative. He knows I have been stressed with school-he dumped me right before graduation and my graduation trip abroad. Which he went on with me. The day before the trip he told me that he had actually reached out to an old flame a week before breaking up with me, and then questioned things further. He admitted he is still talking to her, and that he "has to try". He told me he questioned us from the beginning. I told him he is a good actor. I have to live with him for a few more months, as I am not working yet and can't afford to break our lease with my student loans. Part of me wants to salvage the friendship, as I have known him more than a decade. Part of me never wants to speak to him again. He is carrying on as if life is great, probably because he has a nice distraction thanks to his grass is greener syndrome. I feel like a fool for thinking I was any different. I don't know how to be home anymore, and I'm going crazy. Thoughts? Edited June 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
barky2 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Do your thing and get out. Call up some girls and go out. Go somewhere looking beautiful, and watch the guys flock to you. He wants his cake? Good let him eat it. He got what he wanted, now let him eat it. Go have a blast as a single woman, you're single now. No attachments, no nothing. Go enjoy yourself. Barky 5
mikeylo Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 There is nothing to salvage, sorry. I've always believed that a couple who doesn't have disagreements , fights , have issues in the relationship. One of them is just ignoring them to get what they want and move on. Where people want a relationship, they talk about the issues as it affects the relationship and they want to see if it's something they can or can not accept. If you can't move in with family / friend then maybe divide your areas in the apartment
spiderowl Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I am so sorry to hear what happened. His track record speaks for itself. He is good at convincing women he loves them and then dumps them. I feel for you. I know whatever you do you will be coping with the pain of this. Having said that, I think it is important that you move on and do not look back at this guy. He is probably expecting you to mourn and want him back. Do not give him the satisfaction of being there for him or making any efforts to be friends with him. Spend time with other friends, out at the library, cafes, anywhere but with him. I expect you will sort out the move as soon as it is feasible for you. I know you miss having what you had but this guy does not deserve you. He is a serial dater. He makes the decisions. He stays in control. He thinks he is in control of you now. He will be even more convinced if you seek any kind of friendship with him. I would suggest you walk on and don't look back. 1
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 There is nothing to salvage, sorry. I've always believed that a couple who doesn't have disagreements , fights , have issues in the relationship. One of them is just ignoring them to get what they want and move on. Where people want a relationship, they talk about the issues as it affects the relationship and they want to see if it's something they can or can not accept. If you can't move in with family / friend then maybe divide your areas in the apartment I meant salvage the 11 year friendship, and I also said we did have disagreements but we handled them well, if that makes sense.. I would call it good communication about the issues. I wish I could move in with family, but I have some weird guilt about leaving him with rent to pay alone and no replacement roommate. They also do not live close to the hospitals where ill be applying for work.
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Do your thing and get out. Call up some girls and go out Go have a blast as a single woman, you're single now. No attachments, no nothing. Go enjoy yourself. Barky I have certainly been trying. I've been trying to not let the depression swallow me. I would say I'm out of the house more often than not. But whenever I'm here it's miserable. I would say I'm really bad at hiding emotions, and I hate him seeing me so weak and upset all the time.
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Part of me wishes I could implement NC since I know that would be best for me. However... I can't really do that since he is also my roommate. I just feel stuck. All the lines between our old friendship and what we are now are completely blurred. 11 years is a long time, but I guess a good friend wouldn't have treated me this way.
Nothingtolose Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Coolree, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I highly recommend the books "men who can't love" and "he's scared, she's scared". It'll help you grt clarity - there is really nothing you could have done. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 This guy is no friend. Would you treat a friend the way he treated you? Deceive them? I doubt it. Don't bother trying to resurrect anything; he showed you what he is made of it and it's not worthy of any position in your life. 2
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Coolree, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I highly recommend the books "men who can't love" and "he's scared, she's scared". It'll help you grt clarity - there is really nothing you could have done. I actually just started Men Who Can't Love, and I'm also reading some books about abandonment by Susan Anderson. I don't want this to crumble me more than it already has. It's like, if someone could lie to my face for so long (especially after 11 years of friendship) how on earth am I supposed to trust people?! I am hoping the books help.
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Thank you all for the feedback... I really appreciate it. I go back and forth about wanting the friendship and not wanting it. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes daily. Rage, sadness, loss, all of it. I appreciate the responses. I'm going to do my best to not internalize, and leave the friendship behind when the lease is up. Unfortunately we have the same friend group, so I will see him. That's okay though, being civil will be fine.
Ronnys93 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I actually just started Men Who Can't Love, and I'm also reading some books about abandonment by Susan Anderson. I don't want this to crumble me more than it already has. It's like, if someone could lie to my face for so long (especially after 11 years of friendship) how on earth am I supposed to trust people?! I am hoping the books help. It's absolutely sad. When I was dating my ex (it was a long distance relationship) and the first time I went to meet him things were so well, and he seemed SO into me. But by the end of the week he told me that things were going too fast for him, and there were so many other things going on as well that I started to pick up on. I eventually found out through research when I got back home that he had an avoidant attachment style due to his upbringing and past trauma. It's hard because I really do want to love him, but he was essentially lying to himself about a LOT of things. It makes you feel horrible
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 It's absolutely sad. When I was dating my ex (it was a long distance relationship) and the first time I went to meet him things were so well, and he seemed SO into me. But by the end of the week he told me that things were going too fast for him, and there were so many other things going on as well that I started to pick up on. I eventually found out through research when I got back home that he had an avoidant attachment style due to his upbringing and past trauma. It's hard because I really do want to love him, but he was essentially lying to himself about a LOT of things. It makes you feel horrible Ugh I'm so sorry It's so hard to make sense of why people make the decisions they do. It's also hard to feel so led on and confused. Especially when things seem great.
Ronnys93 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Ugh I'm so sorry It's so hard to make sense of why people make the decisions they do. It's also hard to feel so led on and confused. Especially when things seem great. Honestly as a person who will be studying psychology, and has been doing a lot of research, I think it is true that these kinds of men DO crave love. They want the affection, and the want to feel the closeness, but when things get serious they detach because they are unsure and scared of both commitment and have some sort of trauma related to their childhood that displayed that they can't be loved. Some men are truly manipulators though and while I don't think your ex is like that, not all men are deeply troubled, some do get a chemical high off of doing this stuff to people. My guy felt like he wasn't good enough for me, or that the things I was doing for him, he didn't deserve. But he kept telling me before we even met that he would mess things up. It's the small stuff that we tend to look over that makes us miss these signs.
Author Coolree Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Honestly as a person who will be studying psychology, and has been doing a lot of research, I think it is true that these kinds of men DO crave love. They want the affection, and the want to feel the closeness, but when things get serious they detach because they are unsure and scared of both commitment and have some sort of trauma related to their childhood that displayed that they can't be loved. Some men are truly manipulators though and while I don't think your ex is like that, not all men are deeply troubled, some do get a chemical high off of doing this stuff to people. My guy felt like he wasn't good enough for me, or that the things I was doing for him, he didn't deserve. But he kept telling me before we even met that he would mess things up. It's the small stuff that we tend to look over that makes us miss these signs. I don't believe mine had bad intentions... I believe he is a lot like your ex in some ways. Feeling not worthy, afraid of intimacy and getting close to people. I just wish he would have been upfront about these things from the beginning. He is aware of these issues and does nothing to change it. I know he is aware from the conversations we have had since the BU
Ronnys93 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I don't believe mine had bad intentions... I believe he is a lot like your ex in some ways. Feeling not worthy, afraid of intimacy and getting close to people. I just wish he would have been upfront about these things from the beginning. He is aware of these issues and does nothing to change it. I know he is aware from the conversations we have had since the BU Yep, I made my ex aware too. Which is a good thing that they are, but I think because the issue is a disorder most likely they need therapy and they need to be receptive to it too. It's sad.
AT15 Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 Been there, done that. Forget him. And the sooner the better for you. Don't try and make sense of a person's behavior. He is who he is. The reason you feel so bad is because he ripped the rug right from underneath you, just as you were getting comfortable--a classic commitment phobe move, CLASSIC. Know that you were lead on by a commitment phobe, which is usually a sign of deeper emotional issues and trauma. Never trust a partner who talks future too soon. "Future faking" another classic move from a commitment phobe. After my break up I found my ex's passwords to Facebook and Instagram. I read all, and I do mean ALL his corespodence to women. Do you want to know what i realize now? He has to find woman to make himself feel worthy and good about himself. He doesn't have it in him to do it for himself. Your guy is the same. You want a healthy good man. This guy is not it.
Author Coolree Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 Been there, done that. Forget him. And the sooner the better for you. Don't try and make sense of a person's behavior. He is who he is. The reason you feel so bad is because he ripped the rug right from underneath you, just as you were getting comfortable--a classic commitment phobe move, CLASSIC. Know that you were lead on by a commitment phobe, which is usually a sign of deeper emotional issues and trauma. Never trust a partner who talks future too soon. "Future faking" another classic move from a commitment phobe. After my break up I found my ex's passwords to Facebook and Instagram. I read all, and I do mean ALL his corespodence to women. Do you want to know what i realize now? He has to find woman to make himself feel worthy and good about himself. He doesn't have it in him to do it for himself. Your guy is the same. You want a healthy good man. This guy is not it. He told me he talked of the future because he felt like that was what you're supposed to do in relationships. I found this difficult to swallow. I don't go around saying things like that when I don't mean it. I'm still really struggling to let go. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting better by now. Maybe the previous friendship is what makes this more difficult. I don't even know anymore.
penelopeanne Posted June 15, 2017 Posted June 15, 2017 dumped via text after so long together, oy. so tough. sorry to hear this, i am sure its extra hard with you still living together. hope you can find a way to get out of there soon.
Author Coolree Posted June 15, 2017 Author Posted June 15, 2017 dumped via text after so long together, oy. so tough. sorry to hear this, i am sure its extra hard with you still living together. hope you can find a way to get out of there soon. We were best friends for 11 years, only dating for less than a year. But yeah... I don't understand the texting part. I hope I can, too, thanks for the response :/
la74219 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 We were best friends for 11 years, only dating for less than a year. But yeah... I don't understand the texting part. I hope I can, too, thanks for the response :/ Coolree - how have you been feeling? I was friends with mine for several years as well. That's been the hardest. She went back and forth with me a lot, and of course I chased. She eventually got tired of it, and blocked me from contacting her. I decided it was best to block her too haha. But I think losing the friendship is the most difficult part.
Author Coolree Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Coolree - how have you been feeling? I was friends with mine for several years as well. That's been the hardest. She went back and forth with me a lot, and of course I chased. She eventually got tired of it, and blocked me from contacting her. I decided it was best to block her too haha. But I think losing the friendship is the most difficult part. Aww I'm sorry you went through that it's hard with friendships... although it makes a solid foundation it also complicates things. I'm doing okay... he decided he wants to try and work things out. So we will see what happens
Mittens Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Why are you letting him make all the decisions? "He's decided to try and make things work out"...after dumping you by text, after a so-called friendship of 11 years, you should be telling him to get lost. It's obviously not worked with his ex again, so he's come crawling back to you. Are you happy with being his reserve girl, the one who will do when no one else will have him?
Author Coolree Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Why are you letting him make all the decisions? "He's decided to try and make things work out"...after dumping you by text, after a so-called friendship of 11 years, you should be telling him to get lost. It's obviously not worked with his ex again, so he's come crawling back to you. Are you happy with being his reserve girl, the one who will do when no one else will have him? He had bought tickets to visit her, I essentially told him if he went, there would be no chance. Because then I would be a reserve girl. I'm not blind, and I feel like I'm the one calling the shots. There are a lot of conditions, and I'm waiting for the follow through. I should have phrased it that we had both decided to work things out.
Chi townD Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Thank you all for the feedback... I really appreciate it. I go back and forth about wanting the friendship and not wanting it. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes daily. Rage, sadness, loss, all of it. I appreciate the responses. I'm going to do my best to not internalize, and leave the friendship behind when the lease is up. Unfortunately we have the same friend group, so I will see him. That's okay though, being civil will be fine. Welp! Here's the bad news for you. You cannot be friends if you harbor ANY romantic feelings for him. So, the best thing for you to do is get a job and move out as quickly as you can and go into No Contact so you can heal and get to a point of indifference towards him. Once that happens, THEN you can try to engage him as a friend again, but not if you have one shred of romantic feelings for him.
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