ggas Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Hi LS, It's been a long time since I've been on this forum. Last time I was here, I was reeling from a very painful breakup. Now, I'm in a different relationship (2 years). I love the girl to death and I want to make this work hence my post on this forum. We currently have some trouble in our relationship. 1) Due to some medical problems, our sex life is close to 0. Although the doctor said there is no restriction to having sex, she is almost never in the mood. I keep trying to talk about it, but she always says I am stressing her out with this issue. This could be the case as I am in the mood most of the time, but this dry spell is making me quite depressed. I don't know how to proceed? Just drop the issue and wait until her mood comes back? 2) I'm currently finishing my PhD; I have a pending deadline on my thesis and I am extremely stressed out; this means I can't go out as much or be active around the house (although I do my chores); she is very frustrated because of this which obviously leads to arguments; we had one today; she was so upset that she actually started to hit me; I should mention this was not the first time. At some point, I grabbed her by the wrist; she yelled at me to let her go and go away but I knew she would keep hitting me; after about a minute I did let go. She started crying, telling me that I've hurt her and that this is domestic violence. Now I know that wrist grabbing is indeed domestic violence, but in this case I really thought that it was in self defence. I have to admit that I was pretty mad though that she started hitting me but I do realise that even so, I should not have grabbed her by the wrist given that I am twice her size. I would like to apologise but at the same time, I do not want her hitting me pass as an insignificant incident. Any ideas on how I should talk with her about what happened? Thank you very much for taking the time to read all this.
avvril3000 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 As i girl, if what you stated is in fact correct, i can safely say that she was the one doing the abuse or "domestic violence", and you were defending yourself. Just because she is a girl or a woman, does not make it ok to her to hit you. It's not ok. You should let her know that. And you should certainly not accept it. Walk away if she does that again. 6
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 ...................GET OUT NOW! There is no fixing this if she doesn't want to work on herself. People who are abusive while under threat will behave themselves for a short while, but fall over the edge and the cycle of abuse will continue. Me having experienced an abusive relaitonship that spanned over 2 years, your only answer is to leave. 6
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 This is not a healthy or happy relationship. End it now. 2
Bastile Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 It's over. When people put their hands on you like that, it's done. The fact that she tried to turn it around by playing the victim makes it even 10X worse. That's a proper toxic situation. If you are currently living with her, wait until she's out, grab your things and leave. Just send her a message saying it's over, then block her on everything. She'll likely try and manipulate you in various ways. Listen to none of it. 3
mikeylo Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Well, playful hiting is different from intentional hitting with the intent of hurting. Once someone lays a hand on you , be assured there will be a next time. Its not gender biased. 1
morrowrd Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Defending yourself is not domestic violence, and I always disagree with Dr. Phil when he lectures men about that. I was married for 23 years to a woman who had melt-downs and would sometimes resort to breaking things and hitting. I was not going to "run away" like Dr. Phil tells men - and I wasn't going to cower either. I had a young son who was always being yelled at as well, and was not going to abandon him. I did as you did. I held her wrists, held her against the wall - and I remember her wild eyes, and angry voice telling me she could knee me you know where. I warned her, if she escalated, I would call the police. In hindsight, I see that I was in a domestic violence situation myself - although it's sometimes hard admitting at being a victim - I never considered myself in any real physical danger. Looking back, now from a good position in life, I see more and more the affects and all the damage control due to being in that situation. If you aren't married to her, please don't. And do not feel guilty defending yourself against domestic violence either.
coolheadal Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 Hi LS, It's been a long time since I've been on this forum. Last time I was here, I was reeling from a very painful breakup. Now, I'm in a different relationship (2 years). I love the girl to death and I want to make this work hence my post on this forum. We currently have some trouble in our relationship. 1) Due to some medical problems, our sex life is close to 0. Although the doctor said there is no restriction to having sex, she is almost never in the mood. I keep trying to talk about it, but she always says I am stressing her out with this issue. This could be the case as I am in the mood most of the time, but this dry spell is making me quite depressed. I don't know how to proceed? Just drop the issue and wait until her mood comes back? 2) I'm currently finishing my PhD; I have a pending deadline on my thesis and I am extremely stressed out; this means I can't go out as much or be active around the house (although I do my chores); she is very frustrated because of this which obviously leads to arguments; we had one today; she was so upset that she actually started to hit me; I should mention this was not the first time. At some point, I grabbed her by the wrist; she yelled at me to let her go and go away but I knew she would keep hitting me; after about a minute I did let go. She started crying, telling me that I've hurt her and that this is domestic violence. Now I know that wrist grabbing is indeed domestic violence, but in this case I really thought that it was in self defence. I have to admit that I was pretty mad though that she started hitting me but I do realise that even so, I should not have grabbed her by the wrist given that I am twice her size. I would like to apologise but at the same time, I do not want her hitting me pass as an insignificant incident. Any ideas on how I should talk with her about what happened? Thank you very much for taking the time to read all this. We men put up with so much but you got to wake up! You seem okay what you did to stop her from hitting you, had to be done. I don't hit women and never will, because I was raised to respect an appreciate them. But I've been hit like you have too, and not allow it to continue. Once they hit you need to tell them to leave. Once they do anything odd you need to let them go. Not much you can do with this woman she has some emotional and mental issues you can't even dream to figure out. We can only advise you here. Sex part I've seen that prior also one told me she was depressed always.. Nah something is not right with her. I am not with her today, just games and lies and I am not wanting to settle for that either. I got rid of all these OLD women for good. You need to tell yourself she has to GO and you need to move on. This is not love, this is painful abuse aimed not at her but at you the man! She doesn't love you as you think, if she did she would never hit you and the sex would be there if she can have sex but it's all in her mind. You just stop settling for her okay... But your not going to listen because you think you can change her, but trust me from my own experience with a woman like this you can't! Let her go if you can, if you can't get help!
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 I am a woman and no one should ever strike another person in anger, ever! -- man or woman. You end this right now. You remind her that she struck you, you defended yourself in a "minimal" way at least. You tell her that the stage has been set for toxicity in the relationship and, therefore, it's future is doomed and so it's best if you two go your separate ways. There are some things that cannot be undone. They leave scars that can be opened very easily. You can forgive, but you cannot forget. You also tell her that this is for her own good. She needs to understand that this is unacceptable in a relationship and if she wants one for herself, she needs to develop much better conflict resolution skills.
mom22Feb Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 What concerns me is you said this was not the first time she has hit you. Sounds as if some anger management needs to be applied. Things will escalate at some point if you lose your cool. Hitting is never acceptable coming from man or woman. Hope you get to the heart of what the real issue is and see clearly whether you should pursue this relationship. You may need an outside source to help you communicate with each other. If she values the relationship and wants to have a future with you then she will accept her behavior is out of control and needs help expressing her emotions. 1
Downtown Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 She was so upset that she actually started to hit me; I should mention this was not the first time....I knew she would keep hitting me.Ggas, the repeated physical battering of a partner is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, "intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your GF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a temper tantrum in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells. [Your 4/27/16 post.]If your GF exhibits strong BPD symptoms, that is EXACTLY how you should be feeling after living with her for over a year. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And you will find an insightful, concise description of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in Salparadise's post. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Ggas.
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