Underground

[Red123]

I often see this term used when affairs are caught, "we took it underground". I understand that it means they hide it more but what types of things fall into the underground category vs an affair, as IME WS are always trying to hide the affair. Thanks

[lostgirl87]

Examples:

-no longer speaking or texting from their cell phone

-only speaking during work hours and completely off the grid after work hours or weekends

-only using email or texting/calling apps or only calling from a work phone

 

Yes the WS always tries to keep it secret but before it goes "underground", there is more communication or gateways for communication I.e. WS is more available to his Or her AP and AP can reach out. Once it has to be super hidden, AP is essentially waiting for MM or MW to send a smoke signal!

[Southwardbound]

I often see this term used when affairs are caught, "we took it underground". I understand that it means they hide it more but what types of things fall into the underground category vs an affair, as IME WS are always trying to hide the affair. Thanks

 

- Moving from a PA to an EA for a while - so they feel less guilty.

[Chica80]

Underground means they found new ways to communicate.

 

The BS believes or chooses to believe they have reconciled and it's over when it really isnt.

 

I read a post once by an OW they had something crazy like 15 Ddays. But she still stayed and wife still stayed.

[Red123]

Thanks for the answers. Scary to think that a BS just may never know. I have to be honest, I feel like Dday is the perfect opportunity for a WS to exit if that's what they want. Taking it underground seems like it is just prolonging the pain for everyone

[Babsinhealing]

My A was pushed underground after DD #2 so I certainly know a few things about it! We just got extremely careful with deleting all texts and call histories. We don't keep anything saved now. He memorized my number so he doesn't store it in his phone. We have a private email that only we use and that is our most common way to communicate. Underground tactics are essentially just hypervigilance to try to prevent DD#3. I'm not writing this to brag- it's more to show that if the WS/AP truly wants to continue the A -they will find a way- nothing will stop them. For the BS- if it doesn't look and feel like "true" reconciliation- it probably isn't. For years my AP and I have found ways to make it work, to stay in touch and to still see each other several times a month-despite all we've been through. Granted, DD was hell, to put it mildly, but after the dust settled- the A resumed.

[MidnightBlue1980]

There are a lot of apps where you can hide stuff. Long ago I had a hidden app where you had to dial in to get the messages. Later I would text him from my email which showed up as a random number on his phone. Untraceable. There are always ways if you really want to continue to have a second relationship on the side. Personally I didn't. But my advice to others would be that if you feel like something is up, it probably is. Where there is smoke, there is fire.

[Red123]

Thanks for info ladies

[Poppy47]

Thanks for the answers. Scary to think that a BS just may never know. I have to be honest, I feel like Dday is the perfect opportunity for a WS to exit if that's what they want. Taking it underground seems like it is just prolonging the pain for everyone

 

I had an 8 year affair with xMM.

 

His wife, according to him, never had a clue. We live 35 minutes from each other with no connections, no mutual friends, nothing to link us. I suppose that made it simpler.

 

It is frightening to think that can happen.

 

Poppy.

[cocorico]

I IME WS are always trying to hide the affair.

 

It depends on the circumstances. My H (fMM) didn't hide the A. Everyone knew, apart from the BW. They lived such separate lives and she really didn't care enough to notice. When he did tell her, she chose not to believe him. So absolutely no need to take anything underground.

 

However, from an A couple I know who have had many, many DDays, it usually involves lying low for a few days until the BW relaxes her vigilance again, and then resuming contact as it was before. Sometimes the BW will "punish" the WH and keep him on a short leash, but that gets exhausting and it's not failsafe anyway, especially if - as in this case - the BW isn't the brightest crayon in the box and the MM and OW run rings around her.

[Red123]

It depends on the circumstances. My H (fMM) didn't hide the A. Everyone knew, apart from the BW. They lived such separate lives and she really didn't care enough to notice. When he did tell her, she chose not to believe him. So absolutely no need to take anything underground.

 

However, from an A couple I know who have had many, many DDays, it usually involves lying low for a few days until the BW relaxes her vigilance again, and then resuming contact as it was before. Sometimes the BW will "punish" the WH and keep him on a short leash, but that gets exhausting and it's not failsafe anyway, especially if - as in this case - the BW isn't the brightest crayon in the box and the MM and OW run rings around her.

 

I just don't understand the point of the situation you described about the couple you know. If they keep going back to each other, why are they not choosing to be together, as you and your H did. Whether the BW is smart or not shouldn't matter, if the MM wants his MOW/OW that bad he should leave and not be such douche.