Birdman56 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Long story short, a girl and I fell in love after dating a couple of months right before I left for work 3 months. A couple of weeks into the long distance I noticed she came a bit distant and hit her up about it asking if she was losing interest. She everything was fine and a few days later sent me a message saying sorry I haven't been talking much, I'm having a hard time with life and I'm stressed. At the beginning I was like yeah cool, then.. my insecurity got the better of me. I started probing trying to figure out what was going on. I didn't think 'life stress' was a good enough excuse to stop talking and showing affection to someone you love. There was nothing. I found myself wondering if she was talking to someone else. This sounds pathetic but I ended up getting drunk a few times and asking her what was going on. She would assure me that everything was fine, she was just stressed/depressed still misses and loved me. It got to a point where she said she couldn't focus her energy on me right now and wanted to be alone until I got back. I asked if she still wanted to be exclusive and she said no. This just makes me feel like a backup plan. I've told her a few times that if she's lost interest in us then to let me go completely... She won't. She keeps assuring me everything is fine and she wants to see me when I get back. I guess the questions I have are: Can someone really love you but completely ignore you due to stress? Can someone go from wanting to be alone/not exclusive while I'm away to wanting me again when I get back? (She said she wasn't going out to hookup with others) Do you think there is still hope for us after I pushed her away by getting drunk and needy? All the signs and gut feeling point to me just being a backup plan, but she keeps reassuring me there's still feelings. She's also now stopped saying I love you. I guess it's over but I just don't understand why she won't just cut me away completely. Maybe it's just my insecurity. I guess I just go no contact now and see what happens? I do really love this girl but feel like I've pushed her away with my neediness, is there anything I can do? I could just never see myself treating someone I love this way that's all. Unless she never even really loved me from the beginning.
morrowrd Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 She doesn't love you, that part is obvious. I'm not sure you love her either for that matter. When you're in love, it's not really alot of work keeping the relationship together - and your's sounds like a deck of cards. 1
Author Birdman56 Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 That's what my gut was telling me. But why does she insist so much she does?? I even said to her on the phone that this doesn't feel like love and if her feelings for me had changed just tell me but she still wouldn't cut me away. If she just told me I probably would have started moving on by now, but instead I'm just wondering what if there are still feelings and what if I make a mistake by moving on.
umirano Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I didn't think 'life stress' was a good enough excuse to stop talking and showing affection to someone you love. You're right about that. This sounds pathetic but I ended up getting drunk a few times and asking her what was going on. You might have an alcohol addiction. You can test your patterns here. She would assure me that everything was fine, she was just stressed/depressed still misses and loved me. It got to a point where she said she couldn't focus her energy on me right now and wanted to be alone until I got back. I asked if she still wanted to be exclusive and she said no. This makes no sense. This just makes me feel like a backup plan. Sounds about right. I've told her a few times that if she's lost interest in us then to let me go completely... She won't. She keeps assuring me everything is fine and she wants to see me when I get back. Having ones cake and eating it. Age old. I guess the questions I have are: Can someone really love you but completely ignore you due to stress? No Can someone go from wanting to be alone/not exclusive while I'm away to wanting me again when I get back?No She said she wasn't going out to hookup with othersTalk is cheap. Do you think there is still hope for us after I pushed her away by getting drunk and needy?No. But it's hardly the only or the decisive reason. She's not that into you to begin with. All the signs and gut feeling point to me just being a backup plan, but she keeps reassuring me there's still feelings. Why give up a backup plan/orbiter? You're not that attractive to her that she keeps blowing up your phone and longing for your return. She's pretty 'whatever' about you, but keeping you hopeful with a few nice words here and there is an inexpensive investment. She's also now stopped saying I love you. You better believe the implicit meaning of that (Saying 'I love you' before and stopping now) I guess it's over but I just don't understand why she won't just cut me away completely. Because you could come in handy when she has a $h!t week to comfort her. Maybe it's just my insecurity. You're insecure about her love for you. With good reasons. I guess I just go no contact now and see what happens? I do really love this girl but feel like I've pushed her away with my neediness, is there anything I can do? I could just never see myself treating someone I love this way that's all. Unless she never even really loved me from the beginning. Go NC, find a gal who's crazy about you. Don't settle for some thinly concealed fake affection, you deserve better than that. 1
Author Birdman56 Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 Yeah, I knew I should have followed my gut feeling from the start. Now I feel pathetic I fought so hard the last couple of weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if she's banging her ex again. She did move back to her home town the same time I left and they were together 6 years, seperated for one. I know she was in contact as well but not sure what they spoke about. Maybe feelings resurfaced when she returned. She also reassured me there was nothing going on there ... But I guess she wouldn't ever admit to that would she
umirano Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 It's moot speculation. Whether she betrayed and lied to you doesn't change the big picture, which is she wasn't into you, for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up. It takes a while to figure people out. Especially if they work hard to convince you of their BS.
Maggie4 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 You may be right, or not. You just wouldn't know. Reminds me of what happened to me when my fiance and I were long distance. He became suspicious that I was cheating on him (I was not). Our interactions became stressful and unpleasant, to the point I dreaded his phone calls. He got drunk and stuff, but that didn't hurt as much as the feeling I was guilty until proven innocent. And I could not prove I did not cheat. We broke up when we were only one month away from moving in together. Long distance is hard, there are some things you just cannot know, unless you attach a tracking device or video camera to her. It can be either way, you want to know the truth so you know what to do, but no one here can tell you. 2
Author Birdman56 Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 She was so into me at the start though, smothered me. Actually blew up my phone. Told me I was amazing and promised she'd wait for me. It just went downhill so fast after I left.
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I disagree. "Life stress" is a valid reason for her going quiet. Stressed out people are often depressed & depressed people isolate themselves. I love my husband dearly but in the throws of depression all I want to do is crawl into bed & hide from the whole world including him. To somebody who doesn't get the depths of depression & the effects of stress, you callously think it's a cop out but it's so much more than that. The simplest things -- getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed are all overwhelming. The idea of having to be upbeat & charming on the phone to a new BF, you might as well as the poor girl to climb Everest naked. It's simply impossible. She doesn't have the emotional reserves to do it. Birdman -- in another thread about this exact same subject you said she had to give up her beloved dog & was having struggles with her living situation. This woman has real problems. All you did was add to them because you put more pressure on her. Her "life stress" is real. You tried to make this all about you when it has nothing to do with you. Your failure to be supportive in her time of need is the bigger problem here. Even when you get back, leave this poor woman alone. She needs a supportive guy who understands, not one who is trying to make it all about him. 4
OatsAndHall Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I asked if she still wanted to be exclusive and she said no. I'm sorry, but this statement answers your question, my friend. Maybe life is very stressful for her at the moment and a committed relationship would add to it. Or, maybe she wants to have her cake and eat it too.. It doesn't matter either way as the end result is the same if you stick with her; you feeling stressed and insecure over a woman that doesn't want to date you exclusively. I suggest that you tactfully and politely call it off and move forward. Take that load off of your back and see what happens when you move back. There's a part of my that wants to advise you to cut her off completely but that's because I don't like feeling like I am being played. But, that's me. Everyone and every relationship is different so it might not be a bad idea to see if things work out when you move back.
Maggie4 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 She was so into me at the start though, smothered me. Actually blew up my phone. Told me I was amazing and promised she'd wait for me. It just went downhill so fast after I left. Long distance takes a different set of skills. Plus she went through changes. If the separation is only 3 months, why not wait and see?
Author Birdman56 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 I haven't heard from her in 4 days now after apologizing for the drunk conversation on the phone. I feel like I could have been a bit more sincere than just saying sorry about last night. She said it was fine but I don't know. I've had some time to think over the weekend. Should I message her and apologize for my insecurity and that I didn't mean to smother her and push her away. I want her to know that I wasn't thinking straight and working on what I did wrong. Is this a good idea or should I just leave it? I just want to leave this on a good note so I can see what happens when I get home.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I'd leave it alone until you got back. When the distance resolves maybe you have chance.
Author Birdman56 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 Deep down I trust her that it is the depression, and if it isn't I'd rather give her benefit of the doubt for now. It's just taken me a while to take a step back and realise how I've been acting lately and now I feel bad. I guess I hope this is the space she needs and she remembers the person I was and what we had before I left. I just wish there was a way I could say something without still looking needy.
Author Birdman56 Posted June 11, 2017 Author Posted June 11, 2017 How long till you get back? 2 months exactly
Maggie4 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 It's been 4 days now. Give it a week. I don't think you should say anything about insecurities. Don't use that label. It doesn't even mean quite the same thing to women as it does to men. After a few more days, you can check in on her. Let her do the talking. Be a good listener. You don't need to explain.
smackie9 Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 It's not love it was codependency/obsessed. She jumped in hard to fill a void, but when you are gone, the void returned. It's just a pile of bs, and you expect way too much for 2 months. You were just a flash in the pan. For her, it was a high she came down on, now she is crashing with the possibility of finding her next fix. TBH you are just a filler. It wasn't real.
Author Birdman56 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 So I guess I give up then? I wouldn't even know what to say anymore, other than i hope you're doing okay or something.
Author Birdman56 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Ugh so I just made the mistake of looking at her Snapchat story. There's another guy on her lounge with her dog. Could this be my answer to everything? My heart just sank. It's taking so much willpower not to ask who it is right now...
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Sadly, the guy in her SnapChat may very well be part of the reason this all fell apart. Her "life stress" may have included her indecisiveness & inability to chose between you two. Now you know. So delete the snapchat, unfriend her on all other social media & get on with your life.
BluesPower Posted June 12, 2017 Posted June 12, 2017 Deep down I trust her that it is the depression, and if it isn't I'd rather give her benefit of the doubt for now. It's just taken me a while to take a step back and realise how I've been acting lately and now I feel bad. I guess I hope this is the space she needs and she remembers the person I was and what we had before I left. I just wish there was a way I could say something without still looking needy. If your 20 to 30 I get it, you were in love. If your much older than that you should have already dusted her. She is banging another guy, probably her ex. Who knows. When she said that she does not want to be exclusive anymore, you should have understood what was going on. So this LDR is done. If you want to see her when you get back, meh? You will still have those old feelings and she will not. I would not go there again. Find a temp girl where you are and move on...
Author Birdman56 Posted June 12, 2017 Author Posted June 12, 2017 Part of me just wants to keep her on there a bit longer just so I can get more answers and confirm she's a liar. We promised each other that we'd let each other know if someone else came into the picture while we were seperated. I guess she also broke the promise that she'd wait for me... she even promised me there was no one else and nothing was wrong like a week or two ago, wtf. I feel so betrayed right now. I guess I'll always know to trust my intuition and gut feeling from now on. I do wonder if the other guy ended up winning her over due to my insecurity the other night though, even though it was for good reason. I'm assuming he didn't just come out of nowhere is weekend thiugh.... Ughhh I hate liars
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