lericenciel Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I've been dating this girl for 2 months. One night we were joking around and I asked her to share her most embarrassing or shameful she could think of. She told me that she felt bad when she cheated on her last ex, 2 years ago. The guilt festered in her but she never told her ex. She felt bad because he was the only guy she could ever say she loved. Eventually, she got dumped by her ex because of circumstances beyond their control. It was partly mutual, but they still spent all their time together after the breakup. He got a new Gf but my gf was still friends with him. My gf didn't date anyone new at that time. A year later when her ex broke up with his gf, my gf and him started a FWB thing. It lasted up until the first 2 weeks of dating me. I didn't expect to hear the whole story including the FWBs part. It really bugged me that she still held on to her ex all the way up until meeting me. She told me that she still wants to be friends with her ex, because of their history together, and that bugged me even more. I've always cut contact with my exes because I believed that despite the pain, it was the healthiest thing to do for both parties. It sounded really unhealthy that she still had emotional ties with her ex while dating me. I didn't feel respected that she didn't finish things before dating me. We got into a few heated discussions about it. On the penultimate one, she said that we might not work out, but she still has her friends. She meant that if we broke up, she could still see her Ex. I was so confused and angry that I just left. A week later of ignoring her, she told me that she was willing to cut contact with her Ex, but by that time, I had a change of heart. For me, whether she saw her ex or not was no longer important. I didn't want to be the controlling BF that told her who she can or can't be friends with. More importantly to me, it was clear to me through her fierce defence of keeping him in her life, it suggested to me that there are things beneath the surface in her last relationship that she has yet to understand herself. Her history was brought into the present and I didn't feel respected. We met last night and I ended it. I'm really angry at myself, because we really got on well.
BluesPower Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 You did the right thing... And she knew she was wrong because she offered to cut contact with him. You really should not be mad at yourself for anything. You are just asking for trouble if you allow these types of things to exist in relationships. For ex, lets say that you guys have a fight. She goes to ex's house so her can console her, they sleep together, but you guys work it out. There are a thousand ways that this can be a problem. Everything you felt is correct and justified IMHO... 5
salparadise Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Only guy she ever loved, cheated, kept him around as FWB, probably banging him while dating you... aside from the incongruent feelings this created for you, and an ongoing relationship with the FWB, what it come down to is this woman has no boundaries. She does what she feels like in the moment without any consideration for you or how it affected the relationship. You saved yourself a bunch of heartache by cutting it short. I don't know how anyone can believe this kind of stuff will ever work out. They're basically just seeing how much they can get by with as opposed to investing in a relationship with their SO. Best to just steer clear if you're relationship oriented. 6
Marc878 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 You didn't lose much and probably saved yourself a lot of pain later. Great job at not hanging onto a lost cause. You could never change or fix this. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Why are you angry at yourself? She's the one with poor boundaries who basically told you that you are her consolation prize because she can't be with the guy she really wants. She's also a confessed cheater. What have you really lost here? I think you gained your freedom from a big mess. 4
OatsAndHall Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 After a few dates with a woman, I ask them how they feel about having exes in their lives. I won't date continue to date them if they still have contact with an ex as I have experienced, first hand, the kind of issues that can arise from it. They may be nice women and we get along well but a) I'm not going to ask them to cut ties with someone they are friends as it's their life to live and b) I know myself and I would get anxious and irritated if they were spending time together/chatting on a continual basis. I have been down that road before and I don't like feeling controlling and I sure as hell don't like fighting back feelings of insecurity when I know they're talking. With that being said, an ex and I did keep in contact while she was married. Her and I went through a lot together and we were close. It was truly a platonic friendship but it made her husband uncomfortable. He lay down any ultimatums with her but I wasn't going to make any waves between in their marriage. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 There is staying in touch with an EX & being in contact. The one that requires the effort to maintain the relationship is bad. Being polite if you accidently bump into them in public is not a problem. Right now I'm stuck dealing with an EX from grad school because our companies are working on a project together & we're the team leaders. DH knows all about it. It's all above board. About the only unprofessional thing we do is address emails to our nicknames (we both have long names that get shortened think Mike for Michael, not pet names) rather than using our formal surnames: Ms. Smith In the OP's situation this girl is pining for the one who got away. He had to end things. OatsandHall -- I commend you for knowing yourself & what you can & will tolerate. I also think time is a factor. I'm FB friends with a guy I dated for a whole month 30+ years ago in HS. His peripheral existence in my life is not a threat to my marriage or any relationship I had. It was a function of joining FB all those years ago when it became mainstream & having somebody suggest half the HS class to me as "friends." I am not FB friends with the other EX who I have to deal with professionally. I see more then enough of him at work. Like most things it is about balance, boundaries & transparency. I would have no problem letting DH read any of the correspondence I exchanged with the EX in the professional setting. I think the most personal thing we said to each other was Merry Christmas & Happy New Year over the holidays. I don't have to show DH the messages from the HS BF because the social ones are group texts setting up times for lots of people including me & DH to meet my HS EX & his wife to see another mutual HS friend's band play. 2
Friskyone4u Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 We met last night and I ended it. You will look back at some point and realize that was the smartest thing you did. its one thing to maybe be friends with an ex, but NOT one who she was having fun sex with a few short months ago. Like you are supposed to be cool with them hanging out alone. nonsense. You can do much better. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 You took out the trash....period...She's a selfish and inconsiderate woman...Maybe she'll learn or maybe she won't ...who cares?? You did yourself a favor.. TFY 2
Author lericenciel Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 Thanking you. All of your replies, they mean so much to me. Today I told some of my friends about my recent events and they all agreed that I did the right thing. I feel sad and a little lost. I feel angry at myself because I wish I never found out about this stuff in the first place. We were really good together. I wish I could just keep seeing her through a rose tinted lens. She was sad and distressed that I made the decision to end it. She thought that by cutting her ex out, everything was going to be okay between us. Sigh. Oh well. She even asked if we could remain friends after breaking up. I told her that I honestly couldn't just be friends with her and that the honorable thing to do for her benefit is to disappear. Thanks again guys. Your support has been amazing. 2
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I totally get that you feel pulled in different directions emotionally but once those emotional ties lift from your heart you will feel relief that you did make this decision. 2
enddeck Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Thanking you. All of your replies, they mean so much to me. Today I told some of my friends about my recent events and they all agreed that I did the right thing. I feel sad and a little lost. I feel angry at myself because I wish I never found out about this stuff in the first place. We were really good together. I wish I could just keep seeing her through a rose tinted lens. She was sad and distressed that I made the decision to end it. She thought that by cutting her ex out, everything was going to be okay between us. Sigh. Oh well. She even asked if we could remain friends after breaking up. I told her that I honestly couldn't just be friends with her and that the honorable thing to do for her benefit is to disappear. Thanks again guys. Your support has been amazing. Always trust your gut.This woman seemed "off" to you for some reason and you did the right thing by acting as you did.She is never going to fully leave this guy behind and you would never have been able to trust her if you weren't around all the time. 2
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I hope this incident opened her eyes....I truly do. She needs some growing up to do. 1
umirano Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I feel angry at myself because I wish I never found out about this stuff in the first place. We were really good together. I wish I could just keep seeing her through a rose tinted lens. I doubt that. You could have made it "work", look like a fantastic RS for a while, by looking the other way, but the pain that you feel now would have rained down on you tenfold eventually. Give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate with your friends.
Friskyone4u Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Thanking you. All of your replies, they mean so much to me. Today I told some of my friends about my recent events and they all agreed that I did the right thing. I feel sad and a little lost. I feel angry at myself because I wish I never found out about this stuff in the first place. We were really good together. I wish I could just keep seeing her through a rose tinted lens. She was sad and distressed that I made the decision to end it. She thought that by cutting her ex out, everything was going to be okay between us. Sigh. Oh well. She even asked if we could remain friends after breaking up. I told her that I honestly couldn't just be friends with her and that the honorable thing to do for her benefit is to disappear. Thanks again guys. Your support has been amazing. You're one lucky guy that you found out about it. If you think it is a little sad now, wait until you found out they were having sex again and got the "Oh, it was a mistake" line. And you were 100% right. There was more to this than you know if she wanted to cling to a FWB so deeply. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 We met last night and I ended it. I'm really angry at myself, because we really got on well. Too many guys (and people in general) put up with far too much nonsense. They become willing doormats because of their love for a particular persons type of foot. But that foot was not meant to walk all over you, that foot was supposed to walk beside you, through good and bad terrain. What you are feeling are the consequences of making a good decision and the very nature of life's compromise and balance. You could stay with her and enjoy the fact that you got on really well, but in doing so, your self esteem would take a dive, you'd lose respect for yourself and she'd follow her unresolved pattern. This is why a lot of people do not have the guts to leave. It's likely that she will reach out to you at some point, be careful not to let those feelings cloud your judgement. 3
kendahke Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) I wish I could just keep seeing her through a rose tinted lens. No you don't. That's called lying to yourself. She was who she was all along and who she is is not compatible with who you are. This was never going to work out from the get-go. What you did was correct. She wants to stay connected to her ex and will accept a discount status to do that. If she discounts her own worth, there's not much you can do to increase it. And for everything that is good and holy, block her. She's going to try to get back in touch with you with the "I cut him off.. I think I was falling in love with you"--this coming from someone who knew when she first got with you that she had a relationship with her ex that she had to keep hidden until you asked her about it. If what they have was on the up and up, she'd have said something to you way earlier than this. She was using you to measure him and didn't cut him loose until you said something about it. Edited June 10, 2017 by kendahke 2
Author lericenciel Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 No you don't. he discounts her own worth, there's not much you can do to increase it. And for everything that is good and holy, block her. She's going to try to get back in touch with you with the "I cut him off.. I think I was falling in love with you"--this coming from someone who knew when she first got with you that she had a relationship with her ex that she had to keep hidden until you asked her about it. She was using you to measure him and didn't cut him loose until you said something about it. This is literally what has happened. I went NC since we broke up, and a week later she is calling, texting and emailing me to get back together. What an unscrupulous woman! And you are absolutely right. I won't contact her again because I'm with someone who respects me more. That's sexier than anything. 5
ThorntonMelon Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 This might be my favorite posting Ive ever seen on here. Good for you. 1
harrybrown Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Glad for the positive outcome. If she keeps contacting you, have your new friend send her a request to back off. Keep running. You did not marry her and dodged a bullet. 1
Miss Peach Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 It sounds like for you you made the right decision OP. I always like to get context as it's not a black and white issue to me. If the ex is actively in their life and close it would cause me concern and I would dig deeper. If it were they were 'friends' and really more like FB friends who never talk then it would be more OK to me. I also look at how long ago it was. A high school BF/GF to me would be different than someone recent and/or serious. I've only stayed 'friends' with 2 exes. One we naturally drifted apart but are still FB friends and the other one was out of my life for awhile but we eventually came back to being friends. Romantically we are in such different values it could never work and I'm not longer attracted to him since I had that time to be away from him.
Author lericenciel Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) It sounds like for you you made the right decision OP. I always like to get context as it's not a black and white issue to me. If the ex is actively in their life and close it would cause me concern and I would dig deeper. If it were they were 'friends' and really more like FB friends who never talk then it would be more OK to me. I also look at how long ago it was. A high school BF/GF to me would be different than someone recent and/or serious. I've only stayed 'friends' with 2 exes. One we naturally drifted apart but are still FB friends and the other one was out of my life for awhile but we eventually came back to being friends. Romantically we are in such different values it could never work and I'm not longer attracted to him since I had that time to be away from him. Yea, she talked about how they would only hang out as friends, rowing a boat, going to the cinema, having dinner together, cooking together and watching a movie on the couch. Doesn't that sound like "just friend" stuff to you? o.0? She also explained that it was great because they had amazing sexual chemistry, and that while they were FWB (straight up to the time she dated me), it was just like how they were when they were together, hugging and kissing. On the final night when we broke up, I asked her to be frank about her relationship with him, on why she argued so feverently for him. She told me that despite them not being together, he was still there for her, through her stressful times taking law exams, and he supported her when a beloved colleague passed away. She didn't want to let go of their memories, and the person. She also described how she considered herself to have lived a very sheltered life. Her ex lived a very different life and she was attracted to all the new experiences she accessed through him. She said that she wanted to keep him as a friend to help her grow. She finally said that she would stop contacting him for my sake and that I was more important to her right now. But after hearing all that, her points were valid for her. Her ex is important to her, but she had no time away from him. She never grew away from her last relationship. Maybe she was ready to move on? Maybe I am too jealous and insecure? I didn't want to be her life coach. Who knows, she may get back with her EX one day and get married with kids. It's not for me to dictate who she keeps as her friends. I can only control what I do. If I was younger and more desperate, I would have held onto her and walked the tightrope. But now that I am more confident and secure, I know how to pick them better. In the last 2 weeks, she was still calling me and she wrote me a long email. Didn't pick up. I wrote back telling her that I hadn't changed my mind and that NC will be useful for us both. I said maybe one day in the future if circumstances change, we could reconnect and be friends or even something more. Definitely not right now. Edited June 26, 2017 by lericenciel
kendahke Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 This is literally what has happened. I went NC since we broke up, and a week later she is calling, texting and emailing me to get back together. What an unscrupulous woman! And you are absolutely right. I won't contact her again because I'm with someone who respects me more. That's sexier than anything. Well done. Yeah, individuals may be different, but human nature is pretty predictable.
kendahke Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 If she keeps contacting you, have your new friend send her a request to back off. Keep running. No, his new girlfriend has nothing to do with this. This is his issue to resolve, not hers. Blocking her and ignoring her are effective enough.
Recommended Posts