windycity Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Hi guys, first time poster here. Besides the obvious sharing your time and affection, MM never leaving his wife, etc. what are the consequences of being an OW? For ex, his wife gets to make decisions for him if he's in the hospital, in some states the wife can sue the OW, things like that. Guess I never really thought about it until today. Thanks all. Feel free to state the obvious too. Maybe what is obvious to me isn't obvious to someone else and vice versa. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 An angry psychotic wife determined to make your life an unending hell? Loss of your integrity? 7
Chica80 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Professional consequences. Children being hurt. The immense pain you feel when it's over . Seeing the hurt and damage that has been caused. 6
RecentChange Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Loss of social status (OW is not an esteemed position, but rather a dirty secret) Loss of self-respect for allowing yourself to be second place, never first priority Loss of time – spent pining over someone who has a separate life away from you Loss of birthdays, holidays etc spent with someone you love – because again, you are not the priority Loss of being able to share with family, you won’t be bringing your married “boyfriend” to any weddings, holidays or events. Loss of integrity – you will have to lie all the time because you are involved with a chronic liar. Loss of sleep – living a lie is stressful and will wear on you. Tell us, what benefits are there for being a married man’s cake to eat? 6
freengreen Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 wasting copious amounts of everything precious for something vague. feelings time money ( in my case).. what a waste. These things could save a soul/life literally if used right in real life. 3
aileD Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Years of life wasted in secrecy when you could be with someone you can bRing home to mom, go on vacations with, Post about on social media. Get married to, have kids with. 2
misspalmy Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Being the ow your also get hurt him lair jerk could have std wife cow crazy kids get hurt she wears the pants stops him from talk to u if she finds out ow pain part time sex best sex woundering if hes sleeping with his wife woundering if shes got ow and got stds no one wins 1
jah526 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 IME, affairs are addictions. I see it as analogous to a gambling addiction. How do you get someone addicted to gambling? You let them win only some of the time. Same thing here - you get to be with him ("win") only sometimes. The consequences of an addiction? At some point it gets to be too costly, as others have said, in terms of time lost, potential relationships lost, loss of integrity, loss of friends/family if they know and lose respect for you, loss of jobs potentially, even lives sometimes. A lot of loss here with very little payout. The house (MM) usually wins. So at some point you decide you need to quit, and then you go through all the pain of withdrawal, and trying to rebuild all you have lost. And you are left with this question - was it really worth it?
aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I'm about to jump off a bridge because of all the hurt this affair has caused which the ow was 50% of How would you feel if someone killed them selves because of the pain you helped their husband inflict on them? That could be a consequence. "You" is a general "you" no one specific here 3
Aqulesco Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I'm about to jump off a bridge because of all the hurt this affair has caused which the ow was 50% of How would you feel if someone killed them selves because of the pain you helped their husband inflict on them? That could be a consequence. "You" is a general "you" no one specific here Please dont kill yourself. Seek professional help. Please:sick:
aileD Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Please dont kill yourself. Seek professional help. Please:sick: I'm ok, I won't. I couldn't do that to my kids. But it's a fact that other betrayed spouses may give up in that way 4
misspalmy Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 I'm about to jump off a bridge because of all the hurt this affair has caused which the ow was 50% of How would you feel if someone killed them selves because of the pain you helped their husband inflict on them? That could be a consequence. "You" is a general "you" no one specific here No man is worth doing that, your to good for him, keep your head up say to your self hes just a selfish pig. 1
Birdies Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 In addition to all of these - being the source of gossip and having everyone judge you FOREVER. 2
lostgirl87 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 at least for me, the biggest consequence has been dealing with disappointment and anger at myself for allowing a man to treat me like I'm 2nd best. I know I'm a catch. Im pretty, intelligent, a professional, a good friend, a great daughter and sister and I'm worth a lot! However I let all of that go out the window for this man. I am angry at myself for settling when I know I'm worthy of so much more. I betrayed myself by getting involved in this relationship and sacrificed myself in a way I never should have and never will again. I guess it's a consequence but it's also a great lesson. 5
jenkins95 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 (((windycity))) how are you doing today? Unfortunately there are no winners in an affair, with the possible exception of narcissistic, sociopathic MM who get as much as they can during the A and then immediately move on as if nothing happened, not caring who else got hurt. But not all MM are like that, including this one. Four people directly (and probably many indirectly) were hurt in my A. There were no winners. Even though the A was amazing while it lasted, it was so selfish and the fallout is immense. I'll never be the man I was pre A. My wife is also a changed person. All I can do is learn from it and lead a good life now, always considering other people and implications before acting on my desires. Unfortunately, 99% of the time they end badly leaving a sh*t sandwich for everyone. And on that cheerful note.... Good luck all! At least it's the weekend!
Arieswoman Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 WindyCity, You asked Consequences of being an OW? Basically you can't win. If the MM won't leave his wife for you then you'll continue to be his dirty little secret for as long as you allow it (or, if he's a serial cheater, until he gets fed up). If he does leave his wife for you; a) you get to be partially responsible for breaking up a marriage and all the fallout from that. b) you will spend the rest of your time together wondering if he'll either go back to her/cheat on you. c) you'll have saddled yourself with a guy who made promises to "love, honour and cherish" a woman then reneged on that. In addition, you'll stop yourself meeting single guys who could treat you with love, care, trust and respect. Can't see anything about such a situation that appeals, really 2
Chilli Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Professional consequences. Children being hurt. The immense pain you feel when it's over . Seeing the hurt and damage that has been caused. This says it all. Walk away. 1
isolatedgothic Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 No man is worth the pain of being the OW for. None. Not even the one you think you love. You lose yourself. You lose your reputation. Nobody will empathize with you, once word gets around. You are being used for sex. Men seem to like that idea, but most women do not. You will waste good life on someone who is not investing in you at all. You just get one life. Do you really want to spend it being some cheater's mistress? You will forever be the Camilla Parker-Bowles, the one blamed for breaking all hearts and destroying all that was meaningful. Granted, there may be many, many reasons why the MM's marriage didn't work, but once word spreads about you, those reasons will fade and you will be the dirty dog. That will go on forever, it will never go away. How I wish I could turn back time and be smart enough not to get involved with MM [now divorced, and now I see what the wife went through, because although he will never marry me, I now get all the same treatment that she did, and I feel her pain]. I wish I had used the sense God gave a goose and run, run, run. 1
somanymistakes Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 You will forever be the Camilla Parker-Bowles You mean, fight through all obstacles to be together, stay together through the decades, be publicly vindicated as the true love he should have married all along, and and finally get married and become a duchess? I think a lot of people would be pretty happy with that outcome. The real problem is, of course, the other people who get hurt along the way.
cocorico Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 what are the consequences of being an OW? For me... falling in love. Giving up my single lifestyle and career-driven focus for a life of more balance. Moving across the planet and getting married to someone s till love being with all these years later. Building a life together that makes us both really happy. Yes, there were some down sides. The spiteful XBW and her hectic behaviour. The toll that took on the kids. The carbon footprint we both ran up with all that travelling... but overwhelmingly, the experience and outcome have been just great.
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