Nogan Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Just venting here. I dated an alcoholic last year for about 3 months. Started as me unknowingly being the other man when she was in a casual relationship with some poor sap. That led to an initial breakup, but it was hard to stay away because I was an idiot at the time. Month after that she broke up with me before getting right back together. I put an end to it a month after that. Wasn't easy, though. I don't think they'd call them toxic relationships if the entire thing was bad. It isn't like we don't have a connection. Plus, she's super sweet and has good intentions at heart (particularly when she's sober), but she's just kind of a mess. We both reconnected recently after going through breakups at the same time. It's been fun hanging out and fooling around without any strings attached, but holy **** does it bring back all the bitterness she left in my mouth. Case in point, last night she invites me to come spend time with her and I find out there's a bunch of casual friends there with her when I arrive. This is pretty typical of her. She's fairly flirty with one of them, which is also typical of her. I'm not feeling it. Truth be told, guy was actually really cool. Had an awesome time hanging out with him and he might be the first guy I've seen around her that I thought would actually be worth her time dating. So I said as much when he went to the bathroom. She put it off as her friend is apparently interested in him, but said she'd be all over it otherwise. I don't like competing for affection. A relationship is not on the table for us and seeing her old habits in full form pretty much reaffirmed that. So I resolved to tell him that he should make a move since I didn't want to continue hanging out while feeling like a third wheel half the time. If you've ever been out with someone who was actively flirting with other people, you probably know what I'm talking about. Didn't even get to that point. She decided to go with him instead of continuing to spend time with me. I'm not sure how much of that was due to confusion about what my plans were, but I didn't really want to stay either if her game was to keep the party going. So here's how I feel. I don't like being put in that awkward position in the first place. It isn't cool to throw someone into a situation where they don't know the circumstances. And if circumstances change (which is basically what happened), they're effectively your guest for the evening and you treat them as such. It also isn't cool to invite a guy you're fooling around with to hang out and then flirt in front of him. She knows better, but she's just kind of ****ing dumb. And I really want to tell her off for that ****. She knows damn well how she'd feel if it had been the other way around and I had done that with one of her attractive lady friends. So yeah, I hurt a little. I went out to have fun and fool around with a girl I like on a casual basis. I don't care if she finds another relationship, but it isn't something I wanted a front row seat to. It was ****ing rude and I'm pissed off. The realization, too, that you're effectively a placeholder for her evening is a hard pill to swallow. It's not like I can feel proud or unique that she has any sort of affection for me. Girl is a mess and it's pretty much why I broke up with her in the first place.
Bastile Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Should have just left after gauging the situation for 10 minutes. Be very careful about allowing her to drag you into her lifestyle, social-circle, and problems. You should be aiming for better things in life. Naturally that will equate to better women also. So, don't allow her to waste your time in that manner. Or she'll start to drag you down with her. She wants to meet? Have her come to you, and you control the environment. You're too busy to hang around and make friends with her latest FWB (and if you're not, then work on that). Keep moving forward, and see her only when convenient. And I hope you wear a condom for your sake.
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 She doesn't sound all that interested in you really so no wonder it hurts. She may spend time with you when she isn't interested in someone else. She appears to have no boundaries. She is an alcoholic. Those are powerful reasons to keep away from this woman.
Author Nogan Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 She doesn't sound all that interested in you really so no wonder it hurts. She may spend time with you when she isn't interested in someone else. She appears to have no boundaries. She is an alcoholic. Those are powerful reasons to keep away from this woman. This is the sort of girl who will cry about losing an ex and **** someone in the same night. It's not this manipulative sort of power play, she's just completely unhinged and has zero boundaries. It's why every single one of her relationships fail, and why I left her in the first place. As far as her interest goes, she probably would have stuck with me for as long as I put up with her. We had several talks about how heartbroken I left her even though she understands why I did. She specifically acts out because the attention is validating to her. Any night I wouldn't spend time with her, she'd go out and get drunk and wind up texting me late at night looking for a rescue from whatever stupid situation she put herself in. Her recent ex was a piece of **** about it, but I can't really fault him for his feelings. I wish I could convey how destructively lonely this girl is. It's a shame because people really like her until they get close.
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 OK so you arrange to spend some time fooling around with your "ex", but she had invited other people around too, including a "cool" dude. YOU tell her he is worth her while dating and YOU tell him to make a move on her and now you are sore as they got together and you felt like a spare wheel... Write note to self - do not set up women you are interested in, with other dudes.
Author Nogan Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 OK so you arrange to spend some time fooling around with your "ex", but she had invited other people around too, including a "cool" dude. YOU tell her he is worth her while dating and YOU tell him to make a move on her and now you are sore as they got together and you felt like a spare wheel... Write note to self - do not set up women you are interested in, with other dudes. The point was she already put me in an uncomfortable situation by basically pitting me against someone else she was clearly interested in. It wasn't like I was being ignored, it was that I was in a position where I was going to have to fight for her attention and I decided I didn't want to play. I'm less upset at how the evening wound up and more upset at the fact that I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I know full well that I encouraged her. I think it's better for her. Because I'm not interested in her as a romantic partner, just casual sex.
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I think it's better for her. Because I'm not interested in her as a romantic partner, just casual sex. I should have put "interested" in inverted commas as I knew you only wanted casual sex. But you still shot yourself in the foot here. She is not invested and she doled out some breadcrumbs to you and you scooped them up. She is the dumper and she can do that, she can be a fwb and not turn a hair. She will not care a damn no matter what happens. She can take you or leave you. Here she got a better offer, An offer that you actually pointed out, and she left you totally in the lurch. YOU as the dumpee can't be a fwb or in a casual fling with this woman, you are still invested here and that is why she could so easily hurt you.
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