DMVeep Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I've been dating an attractive, funny lady for about 10 weeks. We definitely have our personal differences, but we seem to get along well together nonetheless. However, I feel like the relationship has reached a crossroads. There are two difficult aspects of compatibility that I am having difficulty getting to the bottom of, sex and religion, which may or may not be related here. I am not one to force the issue of sex, but we still haven't had sex. I've been waiting for a green light from her, but it just hasn't happened. There has been a mutual exchange of handjobs/fingering. I have went down on her a couple times, but she didn't reciprocate(WTF!). Anyway, I don't think I can go on further without the sex part of the equation. I firmly believe sexual compatibility can make or break a relationship, and is a very important aspect of being more than friends. She did set a boundary of not having sex until we are exclusive after about a month. I don't know if I just need to revisit this. I'm not seeing anyone else, but am tempted to as I feel like things stalled out. On to religion, I was raised Catholic but don't care for it. Ideally, I'd never attend a religious gathering again in my life. She was also raised Catholic. She told me she only cares about going on holidays and wants to get married in a church, but does not attend services regularly. She only attended catholic schools including college. She also frequently references Catholic sacraments of her nieces and nephews. I'm not sure how to confront her on more details of how she envisions religion playing a role in her future. Regarding sex, I'm almost wondering if she is trying to maintain some sort of celibacy. As you can see these two sensitive topics may or may not be related, but nonetheless aren't easy to discuss. I recently saw a study that said 92% of people believe in God, so I am trying to be a little flexible considering I am non-religious. What is the best way to discuss these matters as I feel like my patience is wearing thin?
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I am a firm believer that after 2,5 months dating you should have an open and honest conversation about those 2 important topics. 6
umirano Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Sounds like you're incompatible. Sex should come naturally after 2.5 months if both partners are healthy and her not always subtle references to her catholicism are a sign she's a bit more involved with it, than she initially admitted.
Author DMVeep Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 I am a firm believer that after 2,5 months dating you should have an open and honest conversation about those 2 important topics. I feel like I haven't confronted it because I'm afraid of losing the relationship. I know its probably better to figure compatibility out sooner than later. Its hard to bring up a topic that I have a strong sense will not go well. Its so difficult to find someone with good chemistry that I don't want to lose it.
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I feel like I haven't confronted it because I'm afraid of losing the relationship. I know its probably better to figure compatibility out sooner than later. Its hard to bring up a topic that I have a strong sense will not go well. Its so difficult to find someone with good chemistry that I don't want to lose it. Why are you using a word like *confront* ? I am suggesting a conversation, not a confrontation. No you are not better to *figure out* what your girlfriend wants, you are not a mind reader and you could be completely wrong about what she wants. You said yourself she is waiting for exclusivity to have sex, what is holding you back? Exclusivity is not a marriage, it's just concentrating on each other which you are doing already to give her that exclusivity. What you have described about her religious involvement I see nothing wrong. She's a functional Catholic. That is exactly what I am, I don't go to Church but I will go at Xmas, Easter, weddings, first communion, etc. It's more about sharing moments with my family than doing it by religious conviction. I am not sure why you consider this an obstacle? You are afraid she will ask you to accompany her to Xmas mass once a year? 4
Author DMVeep Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 Why are you using a word like *confront* ? What you have described about her religious involvement I see nothing wrong. She's a functional Catholic. That is exactly what I am, I don't go to Church but I will go at Xmas, Easter, weddings, first communion, etc. It's more about sharing moments with my family than doing it by religious conviction. I am not sure why you consider this an obstacle? You are afraid she will ask you to accompany her to Xmas mass once a year? It just seems to come up in conversation more than I'd expect, so I'd like some clarification. I just want the expectations to be clear. I would never be enthusiastic about going to church and would have a hard time forcing a child through that stuff. 1
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 It just seems to come up in conversation more than I'd expect, so I'd like some clarification. I just want the expectations to be clear. I would never be enthusiastic about going to church and would have a hard time forcing a child through that stuff. You need to have an open, calm, non-confronting conversation about your expectations. If you are into each other you will find a compromise. You said yourself she is NOT going to Church so why do you assume she would be pressuring you? If she wants you to come to Church with her ONCE for Xmas are you open to that? If not, then you have to tell her. I am big on Xmas and all the holidays. My BF wants nothing to do with Xmas. It goes against every fiber of my being BUT him and I worked a solution. We compromised both. That's what relationships are about. Every couple at some point runs into differences they need to negotiate an understanding. Now if this woman says that it's a deal breaker for her if you don't go to Xmas Mass better to know now right? Instead of investing a full year into this. 2
Maggie4 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I just want the expectations to be clear. I would never be enthusiastic about going to church and would have a hard time forcing a child through that stuff. This is what you say to her. You are right that you are at a crossroads. It may be the end, but you have to face it. As for sex, I don't think it's wise to let it happen spontaneously. It should be discussed before you do it. Can she be sure you are not seeing anyone else? or if you have an ex lurking around? or you have std? Or she does? Condoms break. There's a difference between being prudent and being a prude. 1
No_Go Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I am not one to force the issue of sex, but we still haven't had sex. I've been waiting for a green light from her, but it just hasn't happened. There has been a mutual exchange of handjobs/fingering. I have went down on her a couple times, but she didn't reciprocate(WTF!). The bolded actions are sex. If that's her definition of celibacy - it is laughable. You're having sex but she doesn't want PIV is all I'm getting. You should discuss why, but in any case... You ARE having sex with her, just not PIV. 2
caveman621 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 You NEED TO TALK TO HER! If you like, I can tell you the saddest story in the world. My story. OK, maybe it's only the saddest story to me. I was very shy when younger. Met a "good Catholic" girl when I was 19. No sex. Handjobs only. But after a while I was so afraid to lose her I dealt with it. I ended up marrying her. Biggest mistake of my life. Before marriage she promised "all the sex I can handle" once we were married. Yeah. That didn't happen. Now ALMOST divorced. I have met a wonderful woman who has the same sex drive as me. Which is ALL THE TIME! I didn't know such women existed! I know that's a sexist statement. Sorry bout that. So....if you see her as a long term partner or even marriage material, you MUST have this conversation. Sex is not ALL of a relationship, but it's a pretty damn big part. If you two are incompatible, it's not going to work. Take it from someone who has been there. You don't tell us. Is she a virgin? Anyway, good luck with that.
Gemma1 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Have you had the exclusivity talk? You said she doesn't want to have sex until exclusivity, but if you never promised her exclusivity, that explains why she won't have sex with you. 3
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