Messed up too many times, he said he was done but wont stop contacting me

[Blu3Dream13]

So me and my ex were together for 11 months. I had an pretty bad life event that happened before I met him which turned me to drink a lot. It started off great but then 4 months in we had a huge argument in which I was drunk and said a bunch of crazy things to him. He took me back and said I could never drink again if he wanted him to stay. Which I thought was unfair in a way, I feel like no one should control you in that way. Any ways, I feel like because he said I couldn't drink and because he wouldn't let me drink around him, but he would drink around me it was hard for me to not drink.

 

Fast forward throughout our relation ship, it happened about 6 more times after the first incident and he took me back but always gave me an ultimatum, either it was I couldn't go to certain places or had to cut off all contact with certain friends and stuff like that.

 

So this past Friday the 2nd there was another incident which I drank and said a bunch of stuff to him over the phone. So I knew we were done this time. His birthday is on the 11th and I planned his whole birthday for him basically. He wanted to go on a booze cruise with me and all his friends but of course I couldn't drink. A booze cruise really? Any ways. Basically he called me on Saturday just to ask me for his booze cruise tickets since I bought them for him. I didn't pick up all weekend basically and he just kept asking me for his tickets...I needed some time to clear my head and accept it was over before I talked to him.

 

Sunday night I finally talked to him and he was like I cant do this over and over and you need help and you need to fix yourself and blah blah blah. He was like I love you and care for you so much and this and maybe we could try again when you are cured. He wanted to take a break, and I said no. I said if he wasnt going to support me through this then he has no right to have me when I am "cured" whatever that means. We were both crying and I finally said we've tried this numerous times and it doesn't work so we just need to let it go (which was so hard for me to do because i truly do love him) but I knew I had to let him go and work on myself. I told him it would be best if we do not contact eachother anymore and we move on with our lives. He still wanted to keep in contact but I said no because it would make it harder on both of us. I realized we werent meant to be and there was no future because throughout the relationship when times would go good he continuously kept reminding me about the times I got drunk and the incidents which I wanted to forget but he wouldn't let it go. I just felt like he would've always judged me and never let it go, and he probably would never end up wanting to have a future with me and we would both just be wasting our time.

 

So as hard as it was we had to let it go. I hung up the phone and he called me back I didnt pick up. Then messaged me and said he loves me and cares for me and wants me to get better and we can talk about it tomorrow. I told him that there was nothing to talk about and that if he wasn't going to support me when I needed him most and when we are going thru a rough patch then I dont need that type of person in my life. I dont need someone who just runs away when sh*t hits the fan. (basically I think he wants to do this break because he doesn't want me on the booze cruise with his friends cuz he's afraid I might embarrass him or he'll have to take care of me, which has never happened cuz I never get drunk when I am around his friends or family, only when I am around my own)

 

Any ways he didn't call me Monday night, instead he text me saying, "I hope you are feeling better and getting the help you need. I know school started for you too so I hope you stick to that" Like WTF why in the world wouldn't I stick to school? Any ways, I didnt respond. Then Tuesday morning he texts me saying he will call me at night. Once again I didnt respond. He did call me Tuesday night but I didn't pick up. I didnt hear from him Wednesday, then yesterday I was feeling much better. Trust me its been hell for me I've been crying non stop blaming myself knowing I did this to us cuz of my drinking. But finally yesterday I didnt want to cry and I had a great day. He of course calls me and leaves me a VM saying, "I hope you are doing better and getting the help you need. I wanted to see how you were making out with everything, so just checking in." And he was seriously crying on the phone.

 

I havent been picking up because it will be hard for me to move on and fix myself if I talk to him knowing we arent together cuz I do truly love him but I feel like we can never be together. I dont feel like we are meant to be we've had too many issues. I dont know if I am giving up or if I am accepting that we will never be together. But I am not going to lie I havent drank or even felt like drinking since Friday. Granted I've been sad cuz I miss him but overall I've been happier, because I feel like I dont have to prove myself to anyone and that no one is judging or controlling everything I do anymore. One day when I am ready and healed maybe I will find someone who accepts me for me and doesn't judge me. Like my ex would always make fun of my culture and my skin color and my family. Idk why I stayed. He wants his children to be his religion (catholic) and not even be introduced to mine (Hindu). Like I went to church with him on Christmas eve to support him and his religion and he refused to ever open up about my religion or learn about it.

 

I guess I just needed to vent. But I wonder why is he still contacting me? This is what he wanted. He wanted to be single and free for his birthday and spend it with his friends and not have me embarrass him so what does he want?? I havent responded as hard as it is, but why is he crying and stuff on the phone?

[Daisydooks]

Well, I'm going to put it to you the best way I know how which is to be very straight up and very honest with you. You need to reel yourself in, get some help and realize you are someone who should not be drinking, if you cannot handle yourself.

 

He didn't say he didn't want to be with you. He has requested you take care of yourself first, and continues to support you from afar because you are toxic to yourself and everyone around you. You may hate me for writing this and agreeing with him, but I wouldn't put up with it either. Hate me if you want to, but don't let a decent man who cares for you, who checks in on you and wants the best for you to just up and leave.

 

If you're not an alcoholic already you're working your way there and starting to seclude yourself from the people who really care for you which is typical of an alcoholic. Coming here is not rock bottom but I don't suggest you get to Rock bottom

Edited June 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[grays]

I think theres some truth in what Daisy says, but theres more going on, too.

 

Im not sure how serious your trauma was right before you met him, but I have had the experience of going thru a serious personal trauma and self-medicating w alcohol. Of course, that is in no way a free pass to get drunk and treat your BF awful bc of it. But i do think youre prob really going thru something that you could use support for.

 

Also, Im wondering if your BF also has a prob w alcohol. Why cant he give it up while hes in your presence??? I cant imagine a person with a healthy relationship to alcohol not being able to do that, especially given that you werent living together. My best friend is working on getting/staying sober. Shes working really hard on it but has prob relapsed 3 or 4 times in the last six months. I would never drink around her and I sometimes i go to events where other people are drinking with her so shes got a support person. Of course its not BF's responsibility to take on your sobriety, but it sounds to me like your BF is working against you.

 

And then, you say it like its not that big of a deal, but its really uncool for him to be saying negative stuff about your skin color!!! Wtf?!!! In some ways it does sound like he may really love you, but how??? And what if you did have kids, would he always feel like his kids werent good enough, would he say the same **** to them? Would he undermine their sense of self? I think for this reason alone you guys should part ways. Its awful for you to accept that, but youre an adult making decisions for yourself. You just cant have kids w him!!!