Dated someone that had no time.

[fig1234]

We are no longer together, broke up recently per his request, but I am wondering what LS posters have learned from dating someone that was always busy or had no time?

 

We dated for a year. He was great in the beginning, but progressively got worse at trying to court me in the past few months. Many nights were spent indoors aka Netflix and chill. He also suffered a bit from social anxiety so I tried to compromise. In the last month, he was worried about losing his job so his stress was at an all time high. Whenever I tried to see him (I was worried, so naturally I wanted to comfort him in anyway I could), he would tell me he was fine and essentially pushed me away. I sensed he was probably depressed, but he wasn't really good with expressing his emotions. All I could do was watch from afar which made me feel a bit redundant.

 

At this point, I needed to address the issue because it was eating at me. I asked if he needed space. He never really answered my questions directly but would continue to text every now and then about how busy he was. In the end, I was checking in with him and he would give me curt responses, never reciprocating by asking how I was doing, or that he wanted to see me. I understood the situation and asked where I fell in his line of priorities. A girl can only get ignored for so long.

 

He said, "I like you but I don't know if I have time for you."

 

We went back and forth because it really hurt me. I was trying to make sense of it all.

 

Afterwards he said, "I never push or try to persuade people in this kind of situation. You make your own choice."

 

That's what he said. This was my interpretation: "Hey, this is my situation at the moment. Take it or leave it, but I am not going to take steps to fix whatever is broken between us."

 

I don't know, LS. It sounds to me like he wanted me to do the dirty work of breaking up. And it really annoyed me that he wouldn't take the responsibility of his actions and never directly said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Like I said, he was very reserved with his emotions, bad with confrontation, and not good at talking things through or addressing issues that needed to be addressed. At some point we talked about ex's and he admitted he had stopped trying in his last relationship. They had a falling out shortly after.

 

I wasn't trying to persuade him to be with me. I could only take him at his word; that I was no a priority in his life. I told him I was sorry it had to be this way and haven't talked to him since. We didn't part on the best of terms so I highly doubt he will ever reach out again. I am just trying to pick up the pieces and make sense of everything that just happened.

 

Thanks.

Edited June 9, 2017 by fig1234

[d0nnivain]

I think your interpretation was spot on. He wanted a relationship solely on his terms with no regard to what you wanted or needed. Somebody like that doesn't get better over time

[newheart]

Agree with D0nnivain and your own assessment.

 

I was with someone similar - couldn't/wouldn't express his feelings, wouldn't address issues directly, expected me to be a mind reader all the time and call the shots. It is exhausting, and a lose-lose situation. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't make sense of situations with certain people.

 

You are obviously an intelligent person who will learn from this and be better for it.

[smackie9]

This is what happens when you date someone who lacks coping skills due to anxiety/OCD/depression/PTSD/Bi-polar/ etc.

 

It will wear you down trying to work with them, or help them, or try to fix things.

 

When the tough get going, the tough F off....and this is what it is.....the anxiety gets bad, and they start making excuses so they can get themselves out of the situation. They DO push people out of their lives but they see it the opposite. That's why it gets confusing, their thought process is different.

 

I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. Usually people are here within the first 3 months of dating wondering what the hell is going on and how they can fix it.

[OatsAndHall]

Yes, I believe that your intuition is spot on here. However, I urge you to recognize the difference between someone that isn't making time for you (in your case) and someone who is trying to but is just flat out busy.

 

Some of my relationships have failed throughout the years (including my last serious one..) because I live a pretty busy life. I am a teacher and a coach and my time gets chewed up in a hurry. I work a 50 hour week in the classroom and then put in another 20+ with coaching. I have always made time for my significant others but sometimes it isn't enough for them. I always warn the women I date that the school year is extremely hectic for me but that I will spend all of my free time with them (that can mean one night during the week at some points..). I explain to them, in great detail, what a typical week will look like for me during a sports season. I am very blunt in telling them that there's a reason coaches' wives/SO's become known as "coaching widows"..

 

Very few of them have heeded this warning and there have been break-ups because of it. I am generally accused of choosing sports over them and there is truth to that statement. But, coaching is truly my passion and if it comes down to being single and coaching or married and not, I will choose to stay single.

[Gaeta]

To me, it seems he never connected with you and his feelings didn't grow with time as they're suppose to. When you tell someone to leave if they wish it's because you simply don't care if they're in your life or not.

 

No I don't believe in 'I am too busy'. To me that the same as 'I don't like you enough to include you in my life'.

 

I am the living proof that when a man wants to be with you he makes it happen. My BF works full time during the day and attend school full time each night. He STILL makes time for me by driving to me almost each night at 10h30 to sleep next to me and by spending our weekends together.

[kendahke]

This is what happens when you date someone who lacks coping skills due to anxiety/OCD/depression/PTSD/Bi-polar/ etc.

 

 

Yep. I learned this lesson the hard way in 6 weeks time. He was great at the start when his manic character was at the helm, but even I told him about 3 weeks in that it seemed like he had a lot on his plate, outside of the logistical distance between us (80 miles), and was wondering if he could maintain the pace. He swore that he could. Then his depressive mind took over, flipped into that character and unceremoniously dropped me off at the mall.

[fig1234]

To me, it seems he never connected with you and his feelings didn't grow with time as they're suppose to. When you tell someone to leave if they wish it's because you simply don't care if they're in your life or not.

 

No I don't believe in 'I am too busy'. To me that the same as 'I don't like you enough to include you in my life'.

 

I am the living proof that when a man wants to be with you he makes it happen. My BF works full time during the day and attend school full time each night. He STILL makes time for me by driving to me almost each night at 10h30 to sleep next to me and by spending our weekends together.

 

He had a very 'whatever happens, happens' view on life. With time it became apparent this meant he was pretty indecisive and I was left with most of emotional labor. Many time he was busy and I had to be gone by 'x' time.

 

It was super confusing because he would tell me things like 'you're a keeper' and 'I care about you.' I agree his indifference was a bit startling in the end. I knew it was hard for him to express himself but he came off very cold and didn't even offer an apology after things had fallen apart. He probably didn't feel he needed to be sorry for the events that transpired.

 

I think in his mind's eye he tried to clear his conscious by telling me the truth - he had no time - but then left it up to me to cut the cord. Honestly, had I not prompted the talk he probably would have either a) stopped texting me for a few weeks to sulk in his own depression/anxiety/etc or b) ghosted. His defense mechanism was flight. And I'm guilty of being a people pleaser, so I gave him chance after chance to rise to the occasion. In the end it didn't matter.

[fig1234]

Yes, I believe that your intuition is spot on here. However, I urge you to recognize the difference between someone that isn't making time for you (in your case) and someone who is trying to but is just flat out busy.

 

Some of my relationships have failed throughout the years (including my last serious one..) because I live a pretty busy life. I am a teacher and a coach and my time gets chewed up in a hurry. I work a 50 hour week in the classroom and then put in another 20+ with coaching. I have always made time for my significant others but sometimes it isn't enough for them. I always warn the women I date that the school year is extremely hectic for me but that I will spend all of my free time with them (that can mean one night during the week at some points..). I explain to them, in great detail, what a typical week will look like for me during a sports season. I am very blunt in telling them that there's a reason coaches' wives/SO's become known as "coaching widows"..

 

Very few of them have heeded this warning and there have been break-ups because of it. I am generally accused of choosing sports over them and there is truth to that statement. But, coaching is truly my passion and if it comes down to being single and coaching or married and not, I will choose to stay single.

 

I think the difference here is you are very self aware AND you made the effort to spend your spare time with them. I'm sure you even researched things to do, places to go. In my case he could go days without communicating with me and didn't put in the effort to see me. It was always, "I'm busy with x,y,z. (usually fixing cars, repairing things around the house, family obligations) but maybe we can see each other this day" followed by a reschedule or cancellation because something came up.

[Redhead14]

"Hey, this is my situation at the moment. Take it or leave it, but I am not going to take steps to fix whatever is broken between us." -- You're spot on. He will let you stay around if you're willing to accept less than what you want which also tells him you are a doormat and desperate.

 

make sense of everything -- You've already done that for yourself. He doesn't want the responsibility of having a girlfriend at the moment or perhaps having you as a girlfriend. That last part may be harsh, but he apparently went into this scenario with you with the idea of having a girlfriend at least. Did you ever have a conversation early on in the dating scenario about what you both were looking for out of your dating journeys?

 

All that being said, even if he's wanting a girlfriend, he needs to learn how to handle stress and not push a partner away. If he can't get a handle on that kind of thing, he's not going to have much success in the future either.

 

You may be seeing the reason he's still "on the market" . . . if he's had a long string of fairly short relationships or even a couple long term that crashed and burned . . . he may have a problem that no one else wants to deal with either.

 

This is the type of guy that some women will convince themselves that he really loves them but is afraid of his feelings and, if she sticks it out, will "come around". It doesn't usually get better, that's for sure. And, this is sometimes also the kind of situation, where after the woman moves on, she finds out he's got someone new right away and/or getting married. And, that's her heads up that he just wasn't that into her.

 

And, yeah, he was leaving it up to you to move on, otherwise, he would be content to let you string yourself along for as long as you could take it and he could have sex and do things on HIS schedule.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

And I'm guilty of being a people pleaser, so I gave him chance after chance to rise to the occasion. In the end it didn't matter.

 

We women are great chances givers aren't we. It's also responsible for all the dysfunctional relationships we find ourselves in. For each man you meet keep in store 2 chances, no more.

 

Let this be a learning experience. No more giving chances like they're candies and no more giving your time, months or a full year, to a man that treats you like an option.

[Maggie4]

His feelings changed.

[fig1234]

"Hey, this is my situation at the moment. Take it or leave it, but I am not going to take steps to fix whatever is broken between us." -- You're spot on. He will let you stay around if you're willing to accept less than what you want which also tells him you are a doormat and desperate.

 

make sense of everything -- You've already done that for yourself. He doesn't want the responsibility of having a girlfriend at the moment or perhaps having you as a girlfriend. That last part may be harsh, but he apparently went into this scenario with you with the idea of having a girlfriend at least. Did you ever have a conversation early on in the dating scenario about what you both were looking for out of your dating journeys?

 

All that being said, even if he's wanting a girlfriend, he needs to learn how to handle stress and not push a partner away. If he can't get a handle on that kind of thing, he's not going to have much success in the future either.

 

You may be seeing the reason he's still "on the market" . . . if he's had a long string of fairly short relationships or even a couple long term that crashed and burned . . . he may have a problem that no one else wants to deal with either.

 

This is the type of guy that some women will convince themselves that he really loves them but is afraid of his feelings and, if she sticks it out, will "come around". It doesn't usually get better, that's for sure. And, this is sometimes also the kind of situation, where after the woman moves on, she finds out he's got someone new right away and/or getting married. And, that's her heads up that he just wasn't that into her.

 

And, yeah, he was leaving it up to you to move on, otherwise, he would be content to let you string yourself along for as long as you could take it and he could have sex and do things on HIS schedule.

 

I had an ex who stopped putting in effort towards the end as well, so I knew some signs to look out for. That particular ex also trailed off and broke up with me. Within 6 months he was dating someone new, within 10 months they were engaged, and within a year she was expecting. So yeah, he wasn't that into me.

 

This last guy and I were exclusive. And there were hints that I possibly ignored along the way. The way he talked about his past ex's. The way he viewed life. They way he somehow found ways to be the victim. When we were good, we were GOOD. That's what really threw me for a loop. At least now I know in times of trouble he cannot deal or be depended on. Even if he was going through some sort of episode, he decided I could not help.