Always threatening break ups during an argument. Red flag or no?

[Zahara]

Nice guys unfortunately finish last. Lol

 

What do you think she's using me for? Can't be $$$$. We take equal turns paying on dates and we don't live togethr. I live by myself and she lives at home.

 

Nah, nice guys that finish last are the guys that willingly let people walk all over them. You can still be nice and have a healthy set of boundaries. The latter is what you are missing.

[Altair0770]

A nice guy is someone willing to have a healthy relationship and stick with it when it gets rough. Unfortunately a lot of people aren't like this, which is why breakups are actually very common.

 

A "Nice guys finish last" is someone that's boring, that gets walked on when they shouldn't, and once people don't see a challenge they seek the thrill.

[raizel]

I think it is a red flag. I am friends with an ex-couple (they broke up a few days ago) and their relationship was one and off the entire time. Probably at least once a week they would "break up."

I think it's really immature to throw around the phrase "break-up" without really meaning it (I know she doesn't 100% mean it because she is using it to THREATEN you). Breaking up is not something to be taken lightly, and clearly, if she really meant it, she would be gone by now.

But why isn't she gone yet? It is because she wants to use it to force you to change. She wants you to pull your socks up and fight harder for her. She's also convinced that you won't leave her, because no offense, maybe she sees you as a little bit of a pushover.

I am sure you have tried your best, but nothing seems to satisfy her. Do you think she is putting enough effort into the relationship?

Next time she threatens to break up with you, just go along with it. Tell her you are fine with breaking up with her. Chances are, she thinks no matter how badly she behaves, you are still going to be there for her , that's why she can threaten you with a break-up - because she knows you are probably going to want to stay with her!

Also, I agree with the other comments. She is unhappy with the relationship, she probably knows deep down she doesn't want to marry you.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 14, 2017 by raizel
typos

[basil67]

The two of you don't live together. And she says that you complain to htat that she doesn't cook or clean for you. Do you complain about this? If so, I'm going to say there are two sides to this story.

[fetish1980]

Thanks raizel. And thank you for your honesty.

 

I think it's a shame, It almost seems as if you have to be a jerk (especially men) to get their respect. If you treat them halfway decent, they will chew you up and try to push the extra mile.

 

Reading your post got me a ltitle angry with myself and wondering why I put up with so much crap.

 

Can I be safe to say that most guys wouldnt?

[fetish1980]

The two of you don't live together. And she says that you complain to htat that she doesn't cook or clean for you. Do you complain about this? If so, I'm going to say there are two sides to this story.

 

There's actually 3 sides to every story. There's my side, her side, and the truth. My side is the closest to the truth that you're gonna get.

 

She has never cooked for me. I don't complain about it. I've teased her about it, but its usually all fun while she'll teaae me about something as well, like talking about my driving or fashion sense, or something.

 

But when it's time to go on her rant, she always throws things at me saying,"you say I don't do this or that, you say I don't give you this, or that, and will just keep on talking and saying irrelevant things. Just to throw me off. That's what she did in our last argument.

 

She'll say all that but will never offer a solution or will say what she'll do to change it or work on it from her end. She'll just complain, or complain that I have a complaint. Honestly, after a while, I get the same attitude she does when I get the feeling that she's just too trifling to do anything about it. I quit myself

[raizel]

Yes, guys who have respect for themselves don't get treated like a doormat. You can do much better than this. Realize that if she isn't willing to change, then all the compromise will be on your side if you continue on.

[fetish1980]

I mean on one hand she can be giving and caring.

 

But I don't see much evidence on how good she could hold down a household. Never seen her cook or clean, but she thinks the things she does, like buying gifts, tickets to shows, and presents are so great and unique.

 

Now she's talking more about marriage and a ring. I tell her, "we are nowhere near marriage because we can't even talk without you leaving the moment I say something you don't like".

 

My fear is if it's this bad when I only see her 3 days out of the week, what will it be like 7 days a week?

 

And to confuse things, she'll bring it up and say, "I can't wait until we get married and get a house together". It will be during times we are getting along and having fun. I smile but don't say anything in fear that if I don't go along with it, it will turn into an argument, guilt trip or pouting.

[Bastile]

My personal view. A lot of English girls are "can't cook, won't cook" as my granddad would have said.

 

Italian, Spanish, Polish, are very different in that sense.

 

I actually overlook it somewhat for a ltr, but it's nice to have. Connection is far more important, I think.

 

Anyone keep threatening me (man or woman) is fairgame to the worst parts of my nature. Not serious relationship material at all.

 

You are indicating that you have some strong relationship escalation towards marriage. That's good. But I would include it with this one to girlfriend status, and maybe even just being around her in general.

 

You know what she wants, and what she's up to. You are slowing her down, and trying to adjust her.

 

Better to take it for what it is, and adapt.

[fetish1980]

My personal view. A lot of English girls are "can't cook, won't cook" as my granddad would have said.

 

Italian, Spanish, Polish, are very different in that sense.

 

I actually overlook it somewhat for a ltr, but it's nice to have. Connection is far more important, I think.

 

Anyone keep threatening me (man or woman) is fairgame to the worst parts of my nature. Not serious relationship material at all.

 

You are indicating that you have some strong relationship escalation towards marriage. That's good. But I would include it with this one to girlfriend status, and maybe even just being around her in general.

 

You know what she wants, and what she's up to. You are slowing her down, and trying to adjust her.

 

Better to take it for what it is, and adapt.

 

 

I'm confused.

 

Adapt to what?

[Miss Peach]

Anyone can be good and bad. No one is all good or all bad all the time.

 

I agree with you on the marriage standpoint and even left my XBF for similar reasons. He couldn't communicate anything with me except to get passive aggressive on me and it just didn't bode well for a marriage. In the end I realized I couldn't marry someone who can't communicate.

 

I will toss a different idea in there. Does she have a scenario with an ex that could be triggering it? It doesn't excuse it but at least it might give you some insight. Is your behavior to blame for any of this? My current BF has gone through periods of disrespect. I have no idea sometimes why I stayed through that but he has gotten much better with me but I am still triggered by the old behavior. The new behavior is not enough of a pattern yet that I trust him. I don't voice it to him as a breakup but I do think of leaving him for an easier situation at times when I'm reminded that he has done and I do tell him I'm still hurt by his past behavior.

[ClassyTaste]

Her behavior may be in the spectrum of a borderline or dismissive love avoidant personality. I am not making a diagnosis.I do not have facts of your behavior. If she is breaking up and making up without there being a serious reason on your part or behavior, there may be a bigger problem in the big picture.