Always threatening break ups during an argument. Red flag or no?

June 9, 2017

Hey LS.

Many may remember me. I was most active on here during 2011 when I went through a painful break up with my last ex girlfriend of 8 yrs.

Currently, I have a girl who Ive been dating for 1.5 years. I think she's great but every time we get in to it, shes always threatening a break/break up.

She will calm down after i convince her to calm down and talk it out. But it's gotten to the point where I'm starting to question and lose trust in the strength of our relationship. I talk to her and tell her that it's an issue when she does it, but the next time she gets mad or I say something she doesnt like, she'll fly off the handle. One time, she left my house and didn't call me or text me for 5 days. Then finally came back like nothing ever happened.

Is this something I should just write off or is it really a red flag. She'll say things like, "that's just women. You're need to just man up and stop taking it so seriously . "

She talks about getting married but I'm skeptical. I've talked to her, but I really feel the next time she talks about breaking up, whether serious or not, I'm just going to let her go through with it.

Am u being too sensitive? Plz help

June 9, 2017

I'm a woman. If a man treated me like this, they would have found themselves single after the first time they broke up with me.

June 9, 2017

"She's great... except when I say something she doesn't like, or she gets mad. Then she threatens to break up with me. She tells me to man up afterwards".

Wtf? Why do guys so often say things like this?

A stubborn woman is not a great woman. A woman that lacks nurturing ability is not a great woman. A masculine woman is not a great woman.

And it's not "that's just women", as she says. She has no idea about decent conduct, because obviously no one ever taught her to behave herself (you included). Or she's just using that as an excuse.

Sounds like she already bosses the relationship. And how much worse do you think it'll be if you make the mistake of marrying her, and you give her that kind of power? She may no longer use this particular thing as a power play in that situation, but it'll change to something else. It's the nature which matters. And that's what you should be filtering for.

Best position of power that you have is the ability to walk away. She thinks you don't have the guts, that's why she lacks respect.

Generally, when people give you an ultimatum, it pays to call their bluff.

What do you lose by calling her bluff? You potentially lose a low-quality woman. You gain your self-respect (which is the key to attracting more women anyway). Should be a no-brainer.

She fails in her little power game, and then you redefine the relationship back on your terms. She will behave herself better, and like an adult, if she is to continue to play a significant part in your life.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Bastile

June 9, 2017

How is her behaviour not a red flag?

She's an immature hot-head. Is that what you want? Because that's what you've got and it's clear she doesn't care that you are warning her it's taking a toll.

June 9, 2017

"She's great... except when I say something she doesn't like, or she gets mad. Then she threatens to break up with me. She tells me to man up afterwards".

Wtf? Why do guys so often say things like this?

A stubborn woman is not a great woman. A woman that lacks nurturing ability is not a great woman. A masculine woman is not a great woman.

And it's not "that's just women", as she says. She has no idea about decent conduct, because obviously no one ever taught her to behave herself (you included). Or she's just using that as an excuse.

Sounds like she already bosses the relationship. And how much worse do you think it'll be if you make the mistake of marrying her, and you give her that kind of power? She may no longer use this particular thing as a power play in that situation, but it'll change to something else. It's the nature which matters. And that's what you should be filtering for.

Best position of power that you have is the ability to walk away. She thinks you don't have the guts, that's why she lacks respect.

Generally, when people give you an ultimatum, it pays to call their bluff.

What do you lose by calling her bluff? You potentially lose a low-quality woman. You gain your self-respect (which is the key to attracting more women anyway). Should be a no-brainer.

She fails in her little power game, and then you redefine the relationship back on your terms. She will behave herself better, and like an adult, if she is to continue to play a significant part in your life.

I'm in no means saying that this isn't red flag behavior, but your tone in this post is downright disgusting. A masculine woman isn't a "great" woman? What does that even mean? And she's not a dog that needs to behave. Obviously she should treat people decently but that has nothing to do with her being a woman. I doubt you meant to come across that way, but truthfully it didn't come across very nicely.

Yes, this is red flag behavior. If someone is threatening to break up with you after each argument it means they're pulling a power play on you. Leave and make her eat her words.

June 9, 2017

I'm in no means saying that this isn't red flag behavior, but your tone in this post is downright disgusting.

Tough love.

And discussions based on tone are very low on the hierarchy of debate. Slightly above name calling:

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/7c/Graham%27s_Hierarchy_of_Disagreement.svg/707px-Graham%27s_Hierarchy_of_Disagreement.svg.png

A masculine woman isn't a "great" woman? What does that even mean?

It means you don't (shouldn't) want a woman with a desire to challenge you every 5 seconds to an arm wrestle, simply because due to disagreement.

I generally filter out women that want to fight with me. I prefer a supportive woman, with a natural maledom/femalesub sort of energy.

And she's not a dog that needs to behave.

It's having standards for how you expect people to act, and teaching people how to treat you based on your own behaviour.

If you accept being treated poorly, people will more likely treat you poorly. Pretty basic.

What's the saying? "You teach people how to treat you".

Obviously she should treat people decently but that has nothing to do with her being a woman.

I made that point:

And it's not "that's just women", as she says.

I doubt you meant to come across that way, but truthfully it didn't come across very nicely.

Back to tone.

June 9, 2017

Uhh, gross. Don't listen to whatever "masculine dominance! Put your woman in her place" advice is going on upstairs. That's absolutely disgusting and a mentality that I hope goes properly extinct soon. Women do not owe you their submission.

Now I will say regarding your relationship that I have been with a similar person. She did not know how to compromise or have an adult argument. If someone is used to getting their way and threatens breakups when they don't then you are correct: that IS a red flag. They are basically saying, "I have to win and you lose. Or you can win but you lose me" and it's a manipulation tactic to keep you in line not only for winning any arguments but also any decision making down the line.

Psychologists say that the people who chase control like that do so because they DON'T feel in control. Can you think of anything in her life that's stressing her besides the relationship? Maybe she's got a crappy boss or coworkers that make her feel small. Maybe her family belittles her. But then she found you, right? And you became this person who loved her so much that you wanted her to be happy and let her have those moments of control because it made her so.

But that's not how a relationship lasts. That dominant/submissive stuff does not last. Eventually suppressed and overlooked needs are going to start weighing in like anvils.

You have to decide now, can she adapt? Can she become a person who compromises because she cares as much about the relationship as you do? Or is this a habit that isn't going to be broken anytime soon and just not worth it anymore?

June 9, 2017

A masculine woman is not a great woman.

Your inference that her behaviour is masculine is an insult to men.

June 9, 2017

I was just curious and I'm really responding to the "no brainer" comment earlier.

I just asked the question because sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too sensitive and taking things too serious. I tend to wonder if I'm just being overly critical because there are relationships that ive observed seem to go through alot worse, the woman loud talks the man and belittles him in front of friends, And I just sit back and look at the guy and he doesn't seem to let it bother him. Or one person cheats and they work through it.

So that's why I wonder if it's really all that serious.

June 9, 2017

I was just curious and I'm really responding to the "no brainer" comment earlier.

I just asked the question because sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too sensitive and taking things too serious. I tend to wonder if I'm just being overly critical because there are relationships that ive observed seem to go through alot worse, the woman loud talks the man and belittles him in front of friends, And I just sit back and look at the guy and he doesn't seem to let it bother him. Or one person cheats and they work through it.

So that's why I wonder if it's really all that serious.

I sure wouldn't put up with it. I don't know how many threats of "I'm breaking up with you!" I'd put up with, but not too damn many. Around the second or third time I'd be saying "Okay. See ya."

If nothing else, she might knock this crap off and stop depending on you to "calm her down" when she goes off like a spoiled teen.

June 9, 2017

I was just curious and I'm really responding to the "no brainer" comment earlier.

I just asked the question because sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too sensitive and taking things too serious. I tend to wonder if I'm just being overly critical because there are relationships that ive observed seem to go through alot worse, the woman loud talks the man and belittles him in front of friends, And I just sit back and look at the guy and he doesn't seem to let it bother him. Or one person cheats and they work through it.

So that's why I wonder if it's really all that serious.

No, your feelings are valid. She's definitely pulling power plays here and it's not a good thing. Sure other couples may have deeper issues but that doesn't invalidate your own.

June 9, 2017

Major red flag. I could not be in a relationship of any sort with a woman who threatens the nuclear option all the time.

June 9, 2017

I think you should seriously reconsider what is “great” about her, and women in general moving forward. Because I think your picker is off. Nothing “great” about a woman threatening you all the time, and humiliating you by calling you names. This sort of woman is common as muck, and you can replace her within a week.

The problem is that many guys don't really have any picker at all, and settle for the first attractive woman that reciprocates some interest in them.

Regarding the stubbornness that I've already partially addressed, you want a woman that is open-minded. One that is flexible and you can grow together based on ideas. You and she can develop together that way.

Another important one is generosity and a nurturing nature. This being a woman that will support you, be there for you when times are bad. Someone that has your back.

Another is virtue. Meaning that she has some strong principles, and she is trustworthy.

Find these, along with keeping no orbiters around, being secure inherself enough to not be promiscuous and desiring of male attention every 10 minutes, and then you will have found a diamond. A woman worth fighting for.

I know it's hard, and I know we settle. Then be cognizant of managing your compromise. This woman doesn't get the honour of your company, let alone exclusivity, and certainly never considered for something as serious as a marriage.

June 13, 2017

Is it a redflag? I think so

Edited June 13, 2017 by greystone08

June 13, 2017

People that have problems with a relationship in which one discusses breaking up and the other discusses on Loveshack about the situation should not get married.

I'd take it as a red flag. I'd leave the next time she threatens that.

June 13, 2017

Well, amazing you guys are discussing this because i have an update as we speak.

Actually, I'm a little pissed at myself.

We got into it again tonight and she was at my apartment. We got into it because she is always asking footrubs from me. Most of the time, I give them no problem. I don't even ask for anything in return. But sometimes, I propose the scratch my back and i'll scratch yours. But when its time for her to return the favor whether it be a backrub, or whatever, she'll fall asleep once she gets hers, and mind you, she's a very heavy sleeper.

Anyway, she fell asleep. Several hours later after she woke up, she was getting ready to go home. I expressed my displeasure in a very low tone. It quickly escalated and She started bringing up irrelevant points and deflecting the issue, not making sense, and talking while i was talking. Saying things, "You always have a problem with everything i do. You say i don't cook for you, clean, I'm just not good enough!" Finally i yelled and said "Just stop it! Please!"

She got up and snatched my apartment key off her key ring i gave her and dropped it off on the coffee table. all the while saying, " Who you think you are? You don't yell at me!" She grabbed her bags and headed for the front door.

I quickly tried to stop her and calm her down. I didn't want her leaving angry and us ending off the evening that way. She told me "Get out of my way!" I told her ok, just please let's talk this out. I apologized for raising my voice and got her to calm and sit down to talk

We talked for a few minutes, she calmed down and left a few minutes later. I told her i would follow her to her house to finish the discussion. Once i got to her house, we talked it out and she agreed to work it out and stay in the relationship. That's about the worst our arguments ever get.

Bottom line, I feel like I'm always the one who tries to resolve things. It's almost starting to feel like i'm the only one who cares. I'm a little disgusted with myself right now.

Dropping my apartment key during a tandrum? What should that be interpreted as???

Edited June 13, 2017 by fetish1980

June 13, 2017

Dropping my apartment key during a tandrum? What should that be interpreted as???

I'm not a psychologist and to make it worse I'm currently doing heaps of internet based research on HPD (histrionic personality disorder - cluster B personalities) - so fair warning, I'm in 'nail / hammer' mode :0 :)

Disclaimer out of the way, have you considered your girl may be BPD or HPD or even NPD? They are all cluster-B disorders.

She might just be a 'hot head' as has been mentioned, but there might be more to it. Certainly there is a massive red flag waving at you and if indeed you are dealing with a cluster B you really need to arm up, information wise, and then think seriously about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Heres a random link: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/histrionic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

June 13, 2017

Well, amazing you guys are discussing this because i have an update as we speak.

Actually, I'm a little pissed at myself. (What for?)

We got into it again tonight and she was at my apartment. We got into it because she is always asking footrubs from me. Most of the time, I give them no problem. I don't even ask for anything in return. But sometimes, I propose the scratch my back and i'll scratch yours. But when its time for her to return the favor whether it be a backrub, or whatever, she'll fall asleep once she gets hers, and mind you, she's a very heavy sleeper.

(This first sentence to me states that you are willing to give your all in this relationship and she isn't willing to give much in return. What are YOU looking for in this relationship? 90/10? 70/30? 50/50? It seems to me you are pulling most the the weight and getting fed up with it)

Anyway, she fell asleep. Several hours later after she woke up, she was getting ready to go home. I expressed my displeasure in a very low tone. It quickly escalated and She started bringing up irrelevant points and deflecting the issue, not making sense, and talking while i was talking. Saying things, "You always have a problem with everything i do. You say i don't cook for you, clean, I'm just not good enough!" Finally i yelled and said "Just stop it! Please!"

(So you expressed a concern, and she threw it back at you to make you feel at fault, despite you did nothing wrong (unless you give us everything you said). She's being immature by shifting all the blame back onto you and trying to guilt trip you. Is this something you can deal with?)

She got up and snatched my apartment key off her key ring i gave her and dropped it off on the coffee table. all the while saying, " Who you think you are? You don't yell at me!" She grabbed her bags and headed for the front door.

(She sounds like a control freak. This sentence looks like she thinks of you as a lesser being and that she's the dominant one in the relationship.
Good relationships don't have these type of games.)

I quickly tried to stop her and calm her down. I didn't want her leaving angry and us ending off the evening that way. She told me "Get out of my way!" I told her ok, just please let's talk this out. I apologized for raising my voice and got her to calm and sit down to talk

(You apologized for raising your voice. Did she raise hers when she stormed out? You're apologizing for her making you unhappy.)

We talked for a few minutes, she calmed down and left a few minutes later. I told her i would follow her to her house to finish the discussion. Once i got to her house, we talked it out and she agreed to work it out and stay in the relationship. That's about the worst our arguments ever get.

(She threw the Frisbee and the dog chased after it. She threw a temper tantrum and it worked in her favor. In the end you got no back rub,
and you end up apologizing it and chasing after her)

Bottom line, I feel like I'm always the one who tries to resolve things. It's almost starting to feel like i'm the only one who cares. I'm a little disgusted with myself right now.

Dropping my apartment key during a tandrum? What should that be interpreted as???

(my answers)

Bro, you need to get out of this relationship. She feels like she dominates you, controls you, and you let her. You CLEARLY aren't too happy in the relationship and it seems to be getting worse by HER actions and here you are apologizing to HER for the way SHE acts. You're like me, you care a lot for someone that doesn't give a damn about you unless you're there to serve her. I hate to say it, but she doesn't respect you at all. She clearly is willing to risk this relationship ending rather than work things through. You are good to her, and she knows that. You treat her with respect, and she knows that. But anytime you demand a slice of respect, she puts you in her place.

It won't be soon where she starts looking for another dog once you put your foot down. That's what happened with my ex. Once I put my foot down, she ran off in search for someone else, but wasn't done feeding off my supply. Then she'll be having you chase after her, and will put you into her box of toys.

From what you're telling me, it seems like we have a fairly similar situation. Except my ex wouldn't back talk me, she would just run away and pretend I didn't exist. And ultimately I found out that she has a high level of narcissism. Your description of what happened tonight shows me this...

She's a narcissist

She's a control freak

She's immature

You deserve so much better

I don't know you personally, and I don't know anything besides what you've given me. All we here at Loveshack can do is take a persons point of view and dissect it. But from what I read from your posts, you are very unhappy and she's a narcissist.

My suggestion? Make a tough decision before she makes it for you. But again, I only know so much.

June 13, 2017

Thank you all. when I try to address issues with her, she will say things like, "You're just using that as an excuse so you can find any reason to get out of this because you really don't want to marry me".

She can be very kind sweet at times. She buys me clothes and picks me up food. That's what makes this so confusing and hard. It's hard knowing how to know the ways that a person is not good for you without discounting the good things and good times.

June 13, 2017

She is a petulant, spoiled brat. Doing that is manipulative and controlling way to get her way. She has poor conflict resolution skills and that is a key factor in the failure of relationships.

When she does this again, you say, "you're right, we should break up" and wish her well.

June 13, 2017

Well, amazing you guys are discussing this because i have an update as we speak.

Actually, I'm a little pissed at myself.

We got into it again tonight and she was at my apartment. We got into it because she is always asking footrubs from me. Most of the time, I give them no problem. I don't even ask for anything in return. But sometimes, I propose the scratch my back and i'll scratch yours. But when its time for her to return the favor whether it be a backrub, or whatever, she'll fall asleep once she gets hers, and mind you, she's a very heavy sleeper.

Anyway, she fell asleep. Several hours later after she woke up, she was getting ready to go home. I expressed my displeasure in a very low tone. It quickly escalated and She started bringing up irrelevant points and deflecting the issue, not making sense, and talking while i was talking. Saying things, "You always have a problem with everything i do. You say i don't cook for you, clean, I'm just not good enough!" Finally i yelled and said "Just stop it! Please!"

She got up and snatched my apartment key off her key ring i gave her and dropped it off on the coffee table. all the while saying, " Who you think you are? You don't yell at me!" She grabbed her bags and headed for the front door.

I quickly tried to stop her and calm her down. I didn't want her leaving angry and us ending off the evening that way. She told me "Get out of my way!" I told her ok, just please let's talk this out. I apologized for raising my voice and got her to calm and sit down to talk

We talked for a few minutes, she calmed down and left a few minutes later. I told her i would follow her to her house to finish the discussion. Once i got to her house, we talked it out and she agreed to work it out and stay in the relationship. That's about the worst our arguments ever get.

Bottom line, I feel like I'm always the one who tries to resolve things. It's almost starting to feel like i'm the only one who cares. I'm a little disgusted with myself right now.

Dropping my apartment key during a tandrum? What should that be interpreted as???

Next time, just dont engage. Dont argue. Just smile and shrug it off, is it really important enough to get into an argument over? If she wants to fight, and give you back your key......TAKE IT. If she wants to break up.....LET HER. If she sees you arent going to cower under her threats, she just may stop making them, and will level the playing field.

Bottom line...Do Not Engage. Nothing here is important enough to have a hissy fit over.

June 13, 2017

Thank you all. when I try to address issues with her, she will say things like, "You're just using that as an excuse so you can find any reason to get out of this because you really don't want to marry me".

She can be very kind sweet at times. She buys me clothes and picks me up food. That's what makes this so confusing and hard. It's hard knowing how to know the ways that a person is not good for you without discounting the good things and good times.

Yep, it is. I went through the same thing. I felt guilty both times for doing NC. Sometimes I still feel guilty because she was texting me pictures of her cat and personal things. Then she still had no remorse saying the doors closed and her apology for hurting me was in a tone of, "omg this is so annoying just forgive me and be my friend".

Are you in this relationship for her, you, or both of you? If it's not the last option, you should get out of it. If it's not the last option for her, you should get out of it.

This relationship screams "unhealthy". I'd have a serious talk with her next time. No apologizing. Just say what you both want in the relationship. Be prepared to lose it when you address serious concerns.

You seem like a nice guy that deserves to be loved. This relationship, by the way you describe it, seems like you're just being used, and the "nice things" are to keep you on a leash.

June 13, 2017

Referencing your screen name, unless your fetish involves taking an unreasonable amount of crap from spoiled people with a teenager mentality, get out while the getting's good.

June 13, 2017

You seem like a nice guy that deserves to be loved. This relationship, by the way you describe it, seems like you're just being used, and the "nice things" are to keep you on a leash.

Nice guys unfortunately finish last. Lol

What do you think she's using me for? Can't be $$$$. We take equal turns paying on dates and we don't live togethr. I live by myself and she lives at home.

June 13, 2017

What do you think she's using me for?

Somebody who's willing to put up with her. How many takers could there be?

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Always threatening break ups during an argument. Red flag or no?

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