dreaming4ever Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 I broke up with my ex exactly 13 days ago now because our relationship was a trainwreck. There were a lot of reasons I felt it was the right thing to do, including things like: he said he wasn't in love with me anymore, he smokes dope every day and I don't want to marry someone like that, he doesn't understand me, he said mean things to me on a daily basis so I sometimes felt like I was the child and he was the parent in our relationship, he was financially unstable, lazy and unmotivated, he wasn't very affectionate and sometimes would even say "can you not touch me right now?", he thinks he's better than anyone, he didn't treat me as an equal, he hated compromising or working on our relationship, and he thought I was emotionally dysfunctional just because I cry from time to time about things so he'd never comfort me because he said he was sick of me "crying wolf". Anyways, we were together for 2 years and now I'm feeling okay having extricated myself from such a mess but of course it still hurts. However, he doesn't understand how we can't be friends now and he insists that I don't cut him out of my life. But honestly, what choice do I have if I want to move on and find someone that is actually marryable? Despite all my ex's faults, I know if I spend time with him I'll never be able to get over him....I'll ache just being beside him but not being able to kiss/hold him. He said that it would be the same as our relationship when we were together but just (and I quote) "without the sex". But for me, that wouldn't be it at all. It's not about the sex....and I can't believe he would say that! The odd part is that he says he wants us to remain friends because I'm his best friend. This makes no sense to me!! Don't you tell your best friend everything? Don't you trust them with all your secrets and inner thoughts? He never told me any of that kind of stuff. I tried to tell him all of that kind of stuff but sometimes when I would just talk about whatever he would say that I was being rude by boring him with mundane aspects of my life that didn't involve/interest him. What a saint huh? Of course I cried when he said that cuz it hurt like hell and then I just never told him my personal stuff that mattered to me anymore b/c I didn't feel he cared enough. So, my question is, what do I do?? I really don't want to cut him out of my life completely but I also don't want to put myself in a situation where I'll spend time with him, never heal and perhaps end up going out with him again. Obviously he's not right for me, but try telling my heart that. Any suggestions would be great thanks!!
lostinmymind Posted August 4, 2005 Posted August 4, 2005 This guy is a real winner... I would never even think of treating a girl like that, even if I wanted to end it with her. You just need to tell him that you will consider friendship, but you need time to be yourself and get over the breakup. Tell him that you don't think you should talk for awhile and that you will contact him when you are ready. Then start to distance yourself and do some new things. If he contacts you ignore it, it doesn't sound like he is going to go anywhere anytime soon, so you don't need to talk to sustain a future possible 'friendship'. At this point give yourself 5 or 6 months to do your own thing. Then evaluate whether you even need him as a friend. If you start to miss him and want to call him, etc. Just think about him saying "can you not touch me right now?" and whatever other mean hurtful things he says. Personally I'm shocked a guy would ever be this mean to a girl. There are better guys out there and you deserve one of them, not this guy. He needs to grow up.
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 4, 2005 Author Posted August 4, 2005 Thanks for saying I deserve better....it tooks weeks of my friends telling me this before it finally sunk in a bit. Somehow I always end up with guys like my ex but you give me hope that there's good ones out there too. Thanks, I think you're right. I'll wait at least 6 months before even thinking of contacting him. I SO don't want to go down that road again.....I just can't help wondering WHY he wants to be my friend. Does he expect me to give in and date him again? I just don't get it....
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 6, 2005 Author Posted August 6, 2005 Anyone know why a guy like this would WANT to be my friend? Maybe he thinks I'm the only chance he has or maybe he felt good making me feel bad about myself....any ideas out there?
lostinmymind Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by dreaming4ever "maybe he felt good making me feel bad about myself" It's possible, some people get off on this. More than likely though he just doesn't want to give up what he is comfortable with. Also, it's convenient to keep someone around 'just in case'.
francis Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 the more i think about this 'i think we should end our relationship but lets stay friends' crap, the more angry i get... they are the words of coward who is afraid of the consequences of their actions...its insulting and just plain selfish and rude...how dare they even suggest it?! who has the nerve to break your heart and expect you to be their friend? what planet are they on??!!! i've been through 3 months of 'staying friends', it has made a mockery out of me, I can finally see that now...anyone who hurts you, makes you cry, dissapoints you, lets you down...why would you wanna be friends with a person like that? its nonsense When two people break up and it's not mutual, a decent, respectful person who genuinely cared would just melt away to allow the other person to heal...
Author dreaming4ever Posted August 6, 2005 Author Posted August 6, 2005 I feel the same way francis! Especially in my case. I wanted to say to my ex, "How can I be your friend if you didn't even care to be a good enough boyfriend to me and treat me like I deserve to be treated?" I just don't get it. Why stick around for any more of his abuse? I really think he's just hoping we'll end up back together and there's no way in hell that is happening this time. It really makes no sense at all....why would I be so eager to be friends with someone who hurt me more than anyone else in the world? It's like, hi, oh, I see that's a razor blade you have there, SURE, I'd LOVE to eat it! lol....u get the point.
francis Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 exactly! it's rubbish...no more excuses...it's just a load of nonsense that needs to be ignored, no matter how much it hurts to walk away. move on, move on, move on...now, now, now. it took me three months to come to that conclusion...sigh...i hate that...but now i see it clear as day, and if I could save anyone else from the pain that has accompanied the blind hope i've been deluding myself with, I really hope I can... its time to have some pride!
Deborah Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 HI dreaming, I think you figured it out by yourself, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents. Move on from this guy, cut him out of your life, forget about him as soon as possible. Not only did he hurt your heart when he broke up with you, which alone would make a friendship very hard, but he is not even a nice person, that anyone would want for a friend. Please cut him out of your life and I promise soon enough you will ask yourself why you ever wasted so much time on such a loser.
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