Prometheushand Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 My girlfriend and I have been dating for a while now. She has a one year old daughter. I m fine with that, I love that she s a mom in fact. However having a child can and in this case does come with a lot of baggage. She still has contact with the baby daddy, and of course she will because it s her child s father, again, I make my peace with that. What really gets to me though is the extent of her involvement with the baby daddy. She claims it just has to do with the child but I know that s not it. People have sent me pictures of them out together, I know they talk more than she lets on and I know they have some sort of friendship. I could make my peace with that too, but why is she so cagey about it? Why won t she be honest and open with me? Am I right to have a gnawing feeling that things aren t right or is just me being insecure? Could I be apart of some love triangle and not even know it?---that last one was sort of a joke... Some one tell me I need to get over myself before I **** something good up.
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 How long is a while? How long exactly you've been dating? How long she has been seperated from her ex? The child is only 1 year she must be freshly out of her relationship? 3
Author Prometheushand Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 How long is a while? How long exactly you've been dating? How long she has been seperated from her ex? The child is only 1 year she must be freshly out of her relationship? A little over half a year and she separated from him about 5-6 months after the baby was born. So yea, she was only single for a few months before we met. She has told me even before we started dating that her relationship was loveless for a long time before she finally ended it and that she was going to end it before she found out she was pregnant. So she tried to stay but couldn't.
Author Prometheushand Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 How long is a while? How long exactly you've been dating? How long she has been seperated from her ex? The child is only 1 year she must be freshly out of her relationship? A little over half a year and she separated from him about 5-6 months after the baby was born. So yea, she was only single for a few months before we met. She has told me even before we started dating that her relationship was loveless for a long time before she finally ended it and that she was going to end it before she found out she was pregnant. So she tried to stay but couldn't.
rushed Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 What really gets to me though is the extent of her involvement with the baby daddy. She claims it just has to do with the child but I know that s not it. People have sent me pictures of them out together, I know they talk more than she lets on and I know they have some sort of friendship. I could make my peace with that too, but why is she so cagey about it? Why won t she be honest and open with me? Who are these people out there taking pictures of them and sending them to you? Also, is it just the two of them together sans child? Or do they have the kid with them? What's going on in these pictures? How do you know they talk more than she lets on? What exactly is it that you think she is keeping from you? Without this information it's hard to come to a conclusion. Something very well might be going on with them. Or you could just be paranoid and insecure. 1
Author Prometheushand Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Friends of mine who have seen her out. It's always with the kid and it's mostly mundane stuff. But they like, go to each other's family gatherings and stuff. Which bothers me. I know that they talk more than she lets on because I keep seeing things about them being together, or she'll slip and mention something about him. As for what she's keeping from me..I don't know. I wouldn't care so much if she were open about it but it's like she's trying to hide something. Maybe she thinks it would hurt me and doesn't want to talk about it? I don't know, but the fact that there is all of this baggage and doggyness makes me suspicious. I hope I am paranoid and insecure, the thing is, while I am an anxious and paranoid person, that usually excludes relationships and I've never been terribly insecure before. I just have this gut feeling that something's not right, although I have nothing concrete to back it up. I don't want to make it into something it's not and at the same time, I can't help but nearly obsess about the "ifs".
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 You have to take into consideration that you started seeing this woman when her she was not done dealing with her seperation and chances are they will get back together because they have a child. The fact she told you her ex had no class and she had no feelings for him for a long time isn't something you can take to the bank at this time. Many many people will bad mouth their ex and next thing you know they are back together. Here is the advice I have for you. End it. For the sake of that 1 year old, end it. She has not resolved her life yet, there is a child involved and that child is going to get attached to you , and you to him-her, and when this woman decides she had enough of you you and the child will suffer. My brother remained in a bad relationship because he could not leave his ex's little children, he loved them too much. When finally all hell broke loose and he left, him and the 2 kids were heart broken for months. That is why when you are a parent you DON'T get your young children involved with your dates unless you've dated for months and you know the dating is heading to a marriage. I can't stand those women who introduce their young children to men left and right. 4
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 (edited) Did she end the relationship with her ex or did he end it? If he ended it, you can probably assume she is still emotionally attached to him. He is also the father of her child. She will of necessity have to have contact with him regarding the child. If she did not like him, she would minimise this contact. Does she need him to look after the child at times? Is she feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of looking after a baby full time? Most people do feel overwhelmed. Is that something you help with? She is likely to turn to whoever offers her most physical and emotional help with the baby, not to mention financial. Being a mother of a one-year-old is a very vulnerable time. She will need all the support she can get. She will probably have very little left over for you, just the way it is. Babies tend to be all-consuming. If the ex ended this relationship, then I think you have cause to worry. If friends are drawing your attention to their meeting, this suggests your friends are worried that you are falling for someone who is not fully engaged with you. I think you need to talk to her about her feelings for her ex. If things still seem fuzzy and uncertain, then maybe back off a bit and see if she comes looking for you. You want to be the first person she turns to, not the second. Edited June 9, 2017 by spiderowl 1
Author Prometheushand Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 Did she end the relationship with her ex or did he end it? If he ended it, you can probably assume she is still emotionally attached to him. He is also the father of her child. She will of necessity have to have contact with him regarding the child. If she did not like him, she would minimise this contact. Does she need him to look after the child at times? Is she feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility of looking after a baby full time? Most people do feel overwhelmed. Is that something you help with? She is likely to turn to whoever offers her most physical and emotional help with the baby, not to mention financial. Being a mother of a one-year-old is a very vulnerable time. She will need all the support she can get. She will probably have very little left over for you, just the way it is. Babies tend to be all-consuming. If the ex ended this relationship, then I think you have cause to worry. If friends are drawing your attention to their meeting, this suggests your friends are worried that you are falling for someone who is not fully engaged with you. I think you need to talk to her about her feelings for her ex. If things still seem fuzzy and uncertain, then maybe back off a bit and see if she comes looking for you. You want to be the first person she turns to, not the second. The thing of it is. I have no problem that they have some sort of relationship, even friendship. They have a child, they will be in contact forever. That's a fact. She ended the relationship with him because she said it was loveless. She hasn't ever talked bad about him, she just said they weren't compatible anymore. The whole situation is weird and I'm almost laughing at myself as I type this. She is very cagey about her emotions in general, she doesn't like talking about things with anyone, friends, parents ...etc. so I want to think that's what it is, but maybe the thing that makes my mind wander the most is that he doesn't even know we're together. He did at one time but she had to back peddle because it was "causing too much drama with him and his family" and he and I nearly got in a fight over it. So when I ask periodically if he knows about us she says "no, it's not his business" which is in essence true, however, her and I are supposed to be together right? What does she deem "not my business" with respect to whatever her and him are? Also, in regards to the kid, I like the kid, I have no problem taking care of her, hanging with her..blah blah blah, and I used to. But she started feeling guilty that the kid is going to think of me as some sort of father figure(in addition to her actual father who is in her life). So she and I made a deal, we slow things down, I don't see the kid anymore until she is ready. Well that was supposed to be a band aid while the wound healed...that was in February. So in my mind(which I'll admit is paranoid, anxious and cynical) that basically leaves me with A. I am apart of some love triangle and she's messing around with both of us, I would say she's not the type because she's not, however past experiences with other people have shown me that anyone can do that. B. maybe she's using me as a getaway from drama at home, maybe she doesn't know what the **** is going on and is just clinging to me because I'm good to her.(although I'm hardly the perfect boyfriend, I do love this girl dearly though and she knows that) or C. I am overthinking everything, nothing is out of the ordinary and this is just what comes from dating someone with a kid, which is a new experience for me. So based on that, is she cheating? Is she using me? Or am I overthinking it? I can't ****ing decide.
Maggie4 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 I was just about to say that you can tell a lot by how he treats you. And then you let known that he doesn't even know about you. In this case, I don't know if you can really say you are her boyfriend. You are not going to the family functions. You have no status. 2
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 It sounds like she's not ready to let you into her life yet or to acknowledge you publicly. This would be ok at first when you are getting to know her but if you have been dating for a few months is definitely a concern.
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 So based on that, is she cheating? Is she using me? Or am I overthinking it? I can't ****ing decide. It does not matter if she is cheating, or using you, or it's you overthinking or ...... What matters is you are not comfortable or happy in this situation so you should end it. By waiting to see if she's cheating or using you, you are making her the master of your life. She is not, you are. You don't need her to tell you this relationship isn't good to you, you can come to that conclusion yourself. 2
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 How much does she really know about you? If she is being cagey about it that means she is worried how you would react. Tell her what you have told us, that you are OK with the situation, and you understand how this is important for the child so there is no need to be secretive about details. Open honest communication gets you results.
Author Prometheushand Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 How much does she really know about you? If she is being cagey about it that means she is worried how you would react. Tell her what you have told us, that you are OK with the situation, and you understand how this is important for the child so there is no need to be secretive about details. Open honest communication gets you results. She knows everything about me. I'm naturally an open book and since the start I've wanted to share everything with her. Like wise she's more or less done the same. I want to communicate, and on the rare occasions where I have to metaphorically strong arm her into communicating on things like this with me, we always work things out very quickly and civilly, she just gets really uncomfortable communicating with anyone and everyone. Which makes everything more complicated. But let me try to reframe the narrative...we are objectively good together, we click, we work, we sync. The chemistry is so good Walter White cooked it. That's why it bothers me so much, she knows I understand, she knows I want to come to a mutually beneficial conclusion. I am very good at reading people usually and I don't see her cheating on me; yet..I remain extraordinarily uncomfortable with the situation. You see people trash talking insecure and over protective boyfriends...I want that to be me..I can fix that. That's a me problem and I hope and pray that I'm just a fkuc boy because I can correct that. Someone in this thread mentioned that we basically aren't dating..that's a hurtful yet poignant realization. I really care for this girl and I'm willing to fight for this to work unless she's cheating of course. Thank you all for advice though. I need it all.
Maggie4 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Well, you definitely are dating, but right now for her it's not serious enough to make public. So that means she's not your girlfriend, for real, yet. You cannot rush her, you just need to be clear what that means. You seem worried she's hiding her ex from you. I think you should be more worried that she's hiding you from everyone else. That's a LOT more than a gnawing feeling! In her situation with a little baby, she really cannot move forward at your pace. And even if you are patient it still may or may not work out.
OatsAndHall Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 You have to take into consideration that you started seeing this woman when her she was not done dealing with her seperation and chances are they will get back together because they have a child. The fact she told you her ex had no class and she had no feelings for him for a long time isn't something you can take to the bank at this time. Many many people will bad mouth their ex and next thing you know they are back together. Here is the advice I have for you. End it. For the sake of that 1 year old, end it. She has not resolved her life yet, there is a child involved and that child is going to get attached to you , and you to him-her, and when this woman decides she had enough of you you and the child will suffer. My brother remained in a bad relationship because he could not leave his ex's little children, he loved them too much. When finally all hell broke loose and he left, him and the 2 kids were heart broken for months. That is why when you are a parent you DON'T get your young children involved with your dates unless you've dated for months and you know the dating is heading to a marriage. I can't stand those women who introduce their young children to men left and right. Heed this advice.. The end result of this could be horrible. I honestly think I only ended up married to my ex-wife because I love stepsons very much. I had called things off with her several times when we were first dating but I became more and more involved with the children and I ignored many red-flags because of it. I spent time with the boys after the divorce and they hinted about me getting back together with my ex repeatedly (even after the old/new boyfriend moved in..). It hurt them to hear me tell them that I loved them but that their mom and I couldn't be together. And, it devastated me. She won't allow me to have contact with them anymore because she is trying to build a new family with her new beau and it is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
BluesPower Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Here is the deal... You need to end it with her. She is stringing along her Ex and/or he is stringing along her. Odds are they are sleeping together at least some. She absolutely has feelings for him. No doubt. If you are not taken to her family events, then like someone said you are not important. It sounds like she is treating you as a FWB at best. Now, if you don't mind just hitting it until she tells you to get lost that is fine, but it sounds like you are developing feelings. If you are falling in love or anything close, GET OUT NOW, because you are going to get hurt. In general, this is not the place for you to be. I think you need to move on...
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