My wife had an affair

[QuietDan]

Wow I never even thought about that but yeah.!!! Hello good job QuietDan.! OP how did you get sick and what kind of sick what is it.?

 

Look at her reactions, responses, choice of words, how does it compare to the typical wayward being called out or confessing?

[Zona]

Since affairs that go to the level of full out intercourse rarely end right away, even after the WW is caught or confesses and claims to have no contact, you might consider doing the follow:

 

- You expose her A to her family and your family.

 

- You make her get an STD test. Don't have sex with her again until you get the results.

 

- Consider DNA testing your children.

 

- She becomes immediately transparent with all her communication devices.

 

- No more opposite sex friends.

 

- She accounts for all her time away from you.

 

- She writes you out a detailed time line of her affair and agrees to talk to you about the details at any time.

 

- She writes, after you approve, a no contact letter to the OM.

 

- You let her know that you won't commit to R until you've had a time to process what she did and for you to see her demonstrate unconditional, consistent remorse.

 

- Tell her you will expect a polygraph at some random point in the future to see if she has been honest.

 

You need a specific plan of action my friend, not just some vague demands or threats.

 

I will admit that you getting so sick right at that time is a bit worrisome. Hopefully the cause was clear and innocent.

[somanymistakes]

Please don't punish your children by threatening to throw them away if they're not 'yours'. Even if you don't overtly say that, that is how DNA testing will be interpreted, and that is a soul-destroying blow regardless of what the results are.

[Buckeye2]

Having read through your thread I get the feeling that your wife does not regret what she has done forget about her being anywhere near remorseful. As others have said, she probably already had a spark going for her friend's Boyfriend and her death provided just the right opportunity for her to get together with her friend's partner. If nothing else, this should show you where her loyalties lie.

 

If you accept this state and think that your marriage is going to somehow survive, think again. Yes it can survive in these circumstances if you suck it up, swallow your pride and manhood and tie yourself to her petticoat strings. Otherwise, a few years down the line or maybe a few months from now your wife will ditch you and move in with her OM or some other OM down the road. She will do this because she had established that you will not stand up for your self, you are tied to her petticoat strings and because she has lost all respect for you. If this is how you see yourself going forward then at least you know what you are signing up for. Warm wishes.

 

Basically you can save your marriage but will it be a marriage that anyone would want. The initial reaction of many BS is to regain what they lost. When they calm down they realize that is impossible. What they thought they had never existed.

[reboot]

Please don't punish your children by threatening to throw them away if they're not 'yours'. Even if you don't overtly say that, that is how DNA testing will be interpreted, and that is a soul-destroying blow regardless of what the results are.

 

"Get your children DNA tested" is the first thing many people here say, but I so agree with you. My children are mine, I raised them, I'm their father, no matter if someone else was a sperm donor. This is something that should be carefully thought out and handled.

[Buckeye2]

"Get your children DNA tested" is the first thing many people here say, but I so agree with you. My children are mine, I raised them, I'm their father, no matter if someone else was a sperm donor. This is something that should be carefully thought out and handled.

 

In general, if the above then there is only one reason not to DNA test. How the kid will feel about being tested. If the kid is too young to know what's going on then always test. You're testing your wife, not the kid.

 

The only other reason not to test is that you don't trust yourself with the results.

[reboot]

"How the kid will feel about being tested" is the ONLY consideration.

[Zona]

"Get your children DNA tested" is the first thing many people here say, but I so agree with you. My children are mine, I raised them, I'm their father, no matter if someone else was a sperm donor. This is something that should be carefully thought out and handled.

 

Not knowing their true biological parents could be a total disaster if they face health issues down the road, and everybody does as they age. It could literally cost them their lives.

 

Who says the kids have to be told anything, even in a worst case scenario, until they are adults? This would be more a tactic to let the wife know how serious this is, since she is either in denial, a fog, or whatever.

 

Personally, I would also run a background check on the boyfriend just to calm my nerves about any skeletons he may have in the closet.

[harrybrown]

Hope you stop the pick me dance.

 

File for D. take away one of her choices. She may wake up in time.

 

But you will let her know that things are not fine.

 

And there are consequences to her actions.

 

You will not be around to be her backup plan.

[Niffbadger]

Hi Niffbadger, guess you are at a very difficult point in your life. Having read through your thread I get the feeling that your wife does not regret what she has done forget about her being anywhere near remorseful. As others have said, she probably already had a spark going for her friend's Boyfriend and her death provided just the right opportunity for her to get together with her friend's partner.

 

Yeah sadly enough I think you are correct on both parts. From my point of view she likely doesn't regret the reasons for doing what she did. She probably regrets with whom it was with do to the nature of other events that occurred related to custody issues.

 

I'm still at a point that I'll give her an opportunity to work on things as a relationship takes to people to be committed. The opportunity part you brought up is interesting, it certainly makes me question how much I could trust things down the road.

[Niffbadger]

In that case I would sit her down tonight and tell her:

 

"I am going to file for divorce unless you can prove to me that you're committed to fixing this"

 

And in a week's time, if your faith in her hasn't improved, file.

If she is unwilling to even try, file immediately.

If she tries to guilt trip you or accuses you of being unfair or making ultimatums, file immediately.

If she won't discuss it like an adult, file immediately.

 

Yeah I completely agree with this post. I'm gathering all my thoughts to have a discussion on this with her. Ultimately writing it down essentially so that even while I get furstrated I can keep the conversation on track.

[Niffbadger]

Wow I never even thought about that but yeah.!!! Hello good job QuietDan.! OP how did you get sick and what kind of sick what is it.?

 

Nope I was sick with pnemmionia for a bit over a month. First week of it was with fevers, lack of energy, etc.

[Niffbadger]

"Get your children DNA tested" is the first thing many people here say, but I so agree with you. My children are mine, I raised them, I'm their father, no matter if someone else was a sperm donor. This is something that should be carefully thought out and handled.

 

Yeah I agree with you on this, my kids are who I have helped to raise. I honestly won't go the route of DNA testing.

[PegNosePete]

I'm still at a point that I'll give her an opportunity to work on things as a relationship takes to people to be committed.

It seems you've given her plenty of opportunity. Every day that you don't file for divorce is an opportunity for her to pull her finger out and start working on fixing the marriage.

 

And so far she has done nothing with all of that opportunity.

[Buckeye2]

Yeah I agree with you on this, my kids are who I have helped to raise. I honestly won't go the route of DNA testing.

 

This is great but I would tell your wife that you're thinking about it. It illustrates what she did to your marriage and trust. The basic foundation was damaged.

[Niffbadger]

So last night I decided to have a conversation with my wife on where I am at and how I'd like to move forward. We both had a calm discussion without anyone getting too heated.

 

I let her know up until recently I couldn't see myself moving on without her. And now I completely realize even though it wouldn't be fun I certainly can get separated from her and be fine. Ultimately told her if I'm not going to see change one of us will be moving out. I told her I would give her a chance to work on things and if I don't see improvement that we won't be living together.

 

I let her know that what happened seriously was the worst thing she could of done to me. And honestly I'm still in a bad place over it.

 

I told her she hasn't shown remorse, a quick apology and no true work towards us doesn't count for feeling remorseful. This was a bit of a strange conversation as she didn't know what she could do to make me realize she feels bad. Which I was short and said research it then as actions speak loudly in this case.

 

I told her I'm tired of doing all the work around the house and receiving little to no help. We'll see what happens from this. It has always been an issue. I don't necessarily need her to do everything but certainly need her to do something. I told her all this has done is made me resentful towards her and the amount of time she could have to focus on daily chores compared to me.

 

I told her how I felt as she treated me like I was her second option.

 

I asked if she told me the truth, which she sad yes. And ended up explaining things. She tried to explain how she was in a dark place and wasn't making proper decisions and wishes it never happened. Which I responded with regardless of what was happening that she still was the one that had a choice of what to do.

 

I brought up issues with us not having sex as this time. She tells me it is more to do with how she is feeling with stress and the medication she takes. Which may partly be true as when she originally started this medication 2 or 3 years ago things dropped in our sex life. She plans on discussing this with her doctor for moving forward. I did however tell her obviously this wasn't an issue for her affair so I'm not fully understanding why it is for us unless there is no interest specifically to me. She said she'll make an effort into being available and willing to do something. I guess we'll​ see.

 

I brought up her putting in minimal effort in our relationship and ultimately she needs to do better.

 

Overall I think things went well, but I honestly have no idea if she'll put in the effort I am looking for. Time certainly will tell on that part. And if she can't in the timeline I setup I won't put any more effort into our relationship and one of us will be moving out.

[BluesPower]

Well golly gee...

 

Dude, do you have an ounce of self respect at all? Do you think you just cannot get another woman? Are you deformed or whatever?

 

You don't ask and talk calmly, you demand. He meds had nothing to do with your lack of sex. You not having sex because she will not cheat on her boyfriend. But she is happy to cheat on you.

 

She is happy to cheat on you, because when you find out you just clean house instead of kicking her out and sending her back to her boy friend...

 

I'm OUT...

[Niffbadger]

Well golly gee...

 

Dude, do you have an ounce of self respect at all? Do you think you just cannot get another woman? Are you deformed or whatever?

 

You don't ask and talk calmly, you demand. He meds had nothing to do with your lack of sex. You not having sex because she will not cheat on her boyfriend. But she is happy to cheat on you.

 

She is happy to cheat on you, because when you find out you just clean house instead of kicking her out and sending her back to her boy friend...

 

I'm OUT...

 

Thanks for your constructive criticism, but I don't agree with what you are saying.

 

I don't have to yell and scream to make things happen. I listed out what I want from our relationship moving forward and if that isn't something she has the ability to do then we won't be together.

 

My point that I was trying to address there is I spoke in a matter that could be understood where we are at and we're we need to be.

[QuietDan]

...I brought up issues with us not having sex as this time. She tells me it is more to do with how she is feeling with stress and the medication she takes. Which may partly be true as when she originally started this medication 2 or 3 years ago things dropped in our sex life. She plans on discussing this with her doctor for moving forward. I did however tell her obviously this wasn't an issue for her affair so I'm not fully understanding why it is for us unless there is no interest specifically to me. She said she'll make an effort into being available and willing to do something....

 

Amazing how it's not an effort when you want to do something....things just sorta magically happen on their own by accident...

 

But, when you don't want to do something...well now...then it becomes an effort.... Time to check the schedule, maybe she can be available on a certain date at a certain time... Will the chores ever end?

An effort to be willing to do something????

She didn't seem to have any issues with it being an effort, finding the time, willing to do certain deeds....

Is she being transparent, honest, forth coming?

Sounds like you have her considering what is going to take to fulfill her obligation and duty as your wife to have sex with you sometime in the future after she checks her schedule.

[aliveagain]

Niffbadger, if she isn't having sex with you, did she have sex with her new boyfriend when she went to his place to offer him her condolences? My point is does she not want sex as in period or just with you?

[Niffbadger]

Amazing how it's not an effort when you want to do something....things just sorta magically happen on their own by accident...

 

But, when you don't want to do something...well now...then it becomes an effort.... Time to check the schedule, maybe she can be available on a certain date at a certain time... Will the chores ever end?

An effort to be willing to do something????

She didn't seem to have any issues with it being an effort, finding the time, willing to do certain deeds....

Is she being transparent, honest, forth coming?

Sounds like you have her considering what is going to take to fulfill her obligation and duty as your wife to have sex with you sometime in the future after she checks her schedule.

 

Yeah this is a great point. In reality to me this stuff shouldn't be that difficult, but it is being made that way.

 

And I am not saying by any means that things are fixed or better. I am giving her the rope to either put in effort or to hang herself as an analogy.

 

I gave her clear goals on moving forward.

 

As for the honesty part and transparency, I can only hope so at this point. But time will tell. The conversation we had about what happened originally felt open and honest.

[Niffbadger]

Niffbadger, if she isn't having sex with you, did she have sex with her new boyfriend when she went to his place to offer him her condolences? My point is does she not want sex as in period or just with you?

 

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

[mikeylo]

How will you ever know that she still isn't chatting him up behind your back ? Her word ? Is that going to be enough?

 

She has shown that she isn't trustworthy and is capable of hurting you. How do you know the other guy is gone forever?

[reboot]

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

 

They always say that.

[BluesPower]

She did not have intercourse. She said she was in an emotional relationship, kissed, and inappropriate touching.

 

Brother, she is lying to you...

 

But first let me apologize for sounding too harsh.

 

What you need to understand is that everything she has told you is a lie. Everything she has said is out of the cheaters handbook. Read in the infidelity section of LS, and you will understand.

 

Inappropriate touching = Wild Monkey Sex.

 

What everyone has been telling you from the start is that you are being too weak with your wife. She already has no respect for you in any way. And you being weak with the affair is making everything worse for you.

 

She was screwing him every time they were alone. Adults do not act like teenagers. They have sex.

 

What she is doing is gas lighting you so you won't divorce her and it is working.

 

Don't believer me? Schedule a polygraph and don't tell her when the appointment is. Day of the appt, pick her up and tell you where you are going.

 

The next thing that happens is she freaks out or she does not. If she refuses the test then you know that she is lying. File for divorce.

 

Here is the deal. You cannot forgive anything if you do not know what you are forgiving. So far she has lied to you about everything. There is no way for your relationship to heal without the truth.

 

Schedule the poly...