My wife had an affair

[Niffbadger]

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, we have two kids. 4 months ago my wife's best friend was killed. She found copping this loss to be very hard and started distancing herself from me and my two kids for normal daily activities.

 

After the incident my wife and I started to go over to her best friends boyfriends house to help him process and grieve. We would go over to his house everyday or every other day to help out around his house and to talk.

 

A little over a week past I became very sick and stopped going over to her friends boyfriend's house with my wife. My wife started spending more time away from the house at this point. I spent time dealing with the day to day stuff with the kids and tried to recover from being sick. Trusting my wife and believing that it may be good for both of them to process what happened I didn't have any problems supporting my wife’s decision to go over there.

 

After 8 or 9 days of my wife going over there all the time I had a quick conversation about how much time she was spending away. Which she seemed somewhat defensive that I even brought it up as she is helping him out. She said once things settle down a bit then things will start to normalize.

 

The very next day my wife tells me she is unhappy with our marriage and that she let things go too far with her friends boyfriend. She tells me she is sorry that things got out of hand. She begins to explain to me that things between us haven't been good for two years and that things with her friends boyfriend showed her how bad she had it.

 

She tells me that her and the boyfriend aren't going to seek anything at this time​. She agrees to go to marriage counseling with me to see if things are salvageable. At our first meeting we talked about some issues with me while I was very open and respectively​ to issues with me were primarily consistency with the kids and showing better ways of being affectionate.

 

After our first counseling session I started spending a lot of time cleaning up our house and ensuring it stays clean. In general neither one of us would consistently keep things around the house perfectly clean. I'm not saying we lived in a dump or anything just saying there always were chores to be done. I also worked on being more consistent with the kids. My wife had dropped all emotions from our relationship and wouldn't let me even hold her hand, so I could not initially address this issue.

 

After a few months of this I started seeing some changes for the better with my wife. The boyfriend is completely out of the picture due to an argument they had. She started saying she loves me and she would do basic things like giving me a kiss or holding my hand.

 

To this point we haven't been intimate since just before her friend died. Over the past month I have tried multiple times to be intimate with her and been rejected for several reasons. Typically she is too tired, doesn't feel well, too stressed, or just not in the mood. This unfortunately makes me feel as if there is something specifically wrong with me and has driven my self-esteem in the toilet.

 

Currently I am the only one doing chores around our house. I'm to the point of feeling somewhat bitter as my wife doesn't work and she is home all day.

 

Originally I wanted to patch things between us for for our kids and in reality I felt anxiety if I wouldn't have my wife around.

 

Recently I find myself planning out my exit plans. I have determined a time frame where I would flat out leave if things continue with little to no improvement. But I still have to question myself as to why am I putting in all the effort if I see little to none in return? I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time.

 

I'm starting to think one of the main reasons she sticks around is she can't financially make it without an income.

[GoldenR]

The boyfriend is completely out of the picture due to an argument they had.

 

Unless you witnessed the argument, it was him breaking up with her. He got his piece of ass and he moved on. That was when she realized she needed to fix things with you. You, sir, are her Plan B. And she's not even trying to act like you're her Plan A.

 

She cheated, blamed you. She has suffered no consequences. And she's not even close to regretful or ashamed.

 

Is this something you can live with?

[GorillaTheater]

If it was me, I'd give her a chance to pull her head out of her ass before I bailed. I'm not saying you owe her that, because I think you'd be justified in pulling the plug on this fiasco this evening.

 

 

But if you're anything like me, you want to be assured that you gave this a reasonable shot before you execute the exit plan. So first of all, I'd tell her that she'd better stop screwing off and begin to pull her weight around the house. Either that or get a job (better for you divorce-wise, anyways) and you'll hire a maid.

 

 

Next, I'd make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her that both of you are going. And that the future of your marriage depends on the amount of effort she puts into that and the marriage in general. Fair warning, in other words.

 

 

The biggest problem I see is that I don't see any remorse on her part. And how sure are you that the affair is over? Like I said, you're on solid ground as far as I'm concerned if you decided to call it a day. Any effort you put in otherwise should be for you, not her.

[Marc878]

My wife and I have been together for 16 years, we have two kids. 4 months ago my wife's best friend was killed. She found copping this loss to be very hard and started distancing herself from me and my two kids for normal daily activities.

 

After the incident my wife and I started to go over to her best friends boyfriends house to help him process and grieve. We would go over to his house everyday or every other day to help out around his house and to talk.

 

A little over a week past I became very sick and stopped going over to her friends boyfriend's house with my wife. My wife started spending more time away from the house at this point. I spent time dealing with the day to day stuff with the kids and tried to recover from being sick. Trusting my wife and believing that it may be good for both of them to process what happened I didn't have any problems supporting my wife’s decision to go over there.

 

After 8 or 9 days of my wife going over there all the time I had a quick conversation about how much time she was spending away. Which she seemed somewhat defensive that I even brought it up as she is helping him out. She said once things settle down a bit then things will start to normalize.

 

The very next day my wife tells me she is unhappy with our marriage and that she let things go too far with her friends boyfriend. She tells me she is sorry that things got out of hand. She begins to explain to me that things between us haven't been good for two years and that things with her friends boyfriend showed her how bad she had it.

 

I'm sorry but this is a typical cheating wife. She's blamshifting the reason for her affair onto you. You didn't cause this. She made a conscious decision to cheat. No marriage is perfect and neither is she. Did you cheat on her because of her faults?

 

She tells me that her and the boyfriend aren't going to seek anything at this time​. She agrees to go to marriage counseling with me to see if things are salvageable. At our first meeting we talked about some issues with me while I was very open and respectively​ to issues with me were primarily consistency with the kids and showing better ways of being affectionate.

 

Typical MC garbage. Blaming you for her affair. Total BS!!!!!

 

After our first counseling session I started spending a lot of time cleaning up our house and ensuring it stays clean. In general neither one of us would consistently keep things around the house perfectly clean. I'm not saying we lived in a dump or anything just saying there always were chores to be done. I also worked on being more consistent with the kids. My wife had dropped all emotions from our relationship and wouldn't let me even hold her hand, so I could not initially address this issue.

 

You are working hard trying to "nice her back" and a version of the "pick me dance" after she cheated? Good god stop!!! It makes you look weak and lowers your status even more. Cmon man!!! This never works. Ever!!!

 

After a few months of this I started seeing some changes for the better with my wife. The boyfriend is completely out of the picture due to an argument they had. She started saying she loves me and she would do basic things like giving me a kiss or holding my hand.

 

So she was continuing her affair while you kept the kids and housework done? Really???? You're not getting sex because she won't cheat on her boyfriend. I'd bet the affair is still ongoing.

 

To this point we haven't been intimate since just before her friend died. Over the past month I have tried multiple times to be intimate with her and been rejected for several reasons. Typically she is too tired, doesn't feel well, too stressed, or just not in the mood. This unfortunately makes me feel as if there is something specifically wrong with me and has driven my self-esteem in the toilet.

 

Nope, nothing wrong with you. Her boyfriend has taken your place. You are just getting some breadcrumbs to keep you in control. Sorry man but you're being played.

 

Currently I am the only one doing chores around our house. I'm to the point of feeling somewhat bitter as my wife doesn't work and she is home all day.

 

You really need to do a 180 and quit acting like a doormat. You'd better wake up!!!!!

 

Originally I wanted to patch things between us for for our kids and in reality I felt anxiety if I wouldn't have my wife around.

 

Recently I find myself planning out my exit plans. I have determined a time frame where I would flat out leave if things continue with little to no improvement. But I still have to question myself as to why am I putting in all the effort if I see little to none in return? I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time.

 

I'm starting to think one of the main reasons she sticks around is she can't financially make it without an income.

 

You are nothing but her plan B. You are doing everything exactly the opposite of what you should be doing.

 

You should expose immediately. Don't worry about pushing her away she already left. She just didn't tell you yet.

 

You are letting your weakness define you and you're teaching your children this by your lack of actions. Is that what you want them to grow up to be? A weak, passive father and cheating mother?

 

Read up and apply the 180

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Overtaxed]

Unless you witnessed the argument, it was him breaking up with her. He got his piece of ass and he moved on. That was when she realized she needed to fix things with you. You, sir, are her Plan B. And she's not even trying to act like you're her Plan A.

 

She cheated, blamed you. She has suffered no consequences. And she's not even close to regretful or ashamed.

 

Is this something you can live with?

 

Man, another day, another BH or BW. First off, so sorry man, terrible situation that many of us know all too well. Sounds like you're trying to do your best, so, a few words of advice.

 

First off, women do not respect weakness. Lay out your terms, whatever they might be (get a job, disclose all the details, give you access to all her accounts, all of the above) and make her stick to them.

 

Sadly, yes, it's likely the OM broke it off with her. Women seem to get easily addicted to OM in an A, they imbue him with all kinds of happy thoughts and really do get far more attached then men typically. It's very likely that the OM got what he wanted and moved on. Men who do this (sleep with married women) are very often serials, this is who they date because they want sex without commitment, married women are the best place to get that.

 

Decide what you want. Decide what you can live with. And don't be weak; you don't have to be an a**hole either, but stand up for what you want/need and make sure she gives it to you if you intend to R.

[Marc878]

After a few months of this I started seeing some changes for the better with my wife. The boyfriend is completely out of the picture due to an argument they had. She started saying she loves me and she would do basic things like giving me a kiss or holding my hand.

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

 

You really believe this? You're still letting yourself be played.

 

She's wants you around to cook, clean and take care of the kids because she tired from all the sex she's been having.

 

Sport man but a blind man could see this.

[somanymistakes]

People sometimes react badly to trauma. Falling together with her dead best friend's bereaved boyfriend is, obviously, cheating, and a terrible thing to do to you, but on the bright side it's a much better scenario than if she'd just been out looking for extra sex on the side, or banging her boss for the past five years, or something.

 

I think it would be possible to recover from this if she put the effort in. Unfortunately, whether because she has changed her mind about you or because she is still reeling from her loss, it seems like she's not giving 100% to trying to get back to a good place with you. And she has really shot herself in the foot for dealing with the original grief, because now she has hurt and alienated you, who would otherwise be her strong support. She cannot fairly expect you to do all the work in getting her back and helping her recover, because she hurt you. But she doesn't seem totally able to understand that right now.

 

To this point we haven't been intimate since just before her friend died. Over the past month I have tried multiple times to be intimate with her and been rejected for several reasons. Typically she is too tired, doesn't feel well, too stressed, or just not in the mood. This unfortunately makes me feel as if there is something specifically wrong with me and has driven my self-esteem in the toilet.

 

It is not you. She's depressed and having trouble dealing with loss. This is coming through very clearly, not just in how she's dealing with you but in her difficulties coping with the rest of her life and responsibilities right now.

 

Is she also getting individual counselling to help her deal with her reaction to the loss of her friend?

 

I think a lot of the posts before me are really overlooking the context here. There's more going on than JUST itchy panties.

[Marc878]

There is zero excuse for infidelity. Anyone knows better.

 

Excuses are used to justify actions. Nothing more.

[Zona]

This is truly a bizarre scenario, cheating with the boyfriend of her best friend who recently died?

 

Niffbadger, how was your marriage before the death of your wife's best friend?

[somanymistakes]

There is zero excuse for infidelity. Anyone knows better.

 

Excuses are used to justify actions. Nothing more.

 

I'm not excusing it, it was obviously a wrong thing to do. But it's important to consider what really happened when thinking about how to handle it, especially if he wants to reconcile or to try and snap her out of the mental state she's currently in.

 

If he just wants to consider her a lost cause and move on then I don't think anyone will blame him for that.

[WilyWill]

I would file for divorce to wake her up from her slumber. She should be fighting to win you back, not vice versa.

[Vincentstreet]

Going to say this as nice as I can. But be sure this should not be taken lightly.

 

You have given her control with your weakness and indecisiveness. I am not insinuating that women should be the ones cleaning the house.. but its sounds as if she's domesticated you. You are coming across pretty pathetic with your "niceness".

Start taking control. Kick her out! tell her to go be with her best friends man. Live your life and become attractive again. Give her what she wants... trust me she will be the one with second thoughts soon enough when she learns of your new found confidence. Either way its actually a win win situation for you. It will hurt like hell but you either get her back (I would toss her to the curb if I were you) or you get your "mojo" back and meet someone who deserves your love.

Just for crying out loud don't become needy and beg. She has strayed... its her fault NOT yours.

Carry yourself calmly but with a sense of authority. You deserve waaaay better.

Wishing you the best!

[harrybrown]

Have you had her get tested for stds?

 

And a timeline of the A?

 

Forget MC, she is not sorry.

 

Drive her over to the boyfriends house. He can have her cheating posterior.

[JS84]

So she cheats on you, and in response you clean the house, focus on the kids, and get constantly rejected by her while she sits around the house doing nothing to repair the damage she's caused in your marriage and to your family. Do I really need to tell you you're going about all of this completely the wrong way??? You might as well be bathing yourself in vagina repellent.

 

Your response to all of this, while understandable, comes off as weak. Your wife did one of the most disrespectful things you can do in a marriage to a spouse. From what you've posted you've done absolutely nothing to get that respect back, in fact your behavior has probably caused her to lose even more respect for you. She gets to cheat on you and sounds like she's facing absolutely no consequences for it. If anything it sounds like all of this is working out quite nicely for her, with the exception of her friend's death. So why shouldn't she continue or do it again??

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all stop doing all the work. Your her husband not her butler.

 

Second of all don't forgive anything until all the facts are on the table and right now to be honest I think your still in the dark big time.

 

Third. I would let her know in a way she knows your up to your ears with all the nonsense and give her divorce parers, her coat and hat and let her know that when she wants to at least make a try of it to let you know but until that time comes she can live her life someplace elas because her welcome is worn out.

 

In other words put the blame where the blame belongs..........with her. She can't be that broke up if shes sleeping with her now dead best friends boyfriend. That's nothing but thumbing her nose at her friend and you should know that. Wake up and let her fix her own problem.

[usa1ah]

Time to leave. Plain and simple.

[Bobdobalina]

they seem to get on pretty well straight away maybe this has been going on for a lot longer than this episode

[somanymistakes]

Am I honestly the only one who has previously heard of this kind of thing happening as a response to bereavement?

 

It's still wrong! But it doesn't imply that she's "not that broken up" or that it has been "going on a lot longer"

[road]

Have you exposed this affair?

Do you know how to expose?

How old are your kids and do they know?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Am I honestly the only one who has previously heard of this kind of thing happening as a response to bereavement?

 

It's still wrong! But it doesn't imply that she's "not that broken up" or that it has been "going on a lot longer"

 

I have heard of it. Remember many years ago...Stevie Nicks best friend died leaving an infant son. A few months later Stevie married her best friends husband. They turned to each other in their grief. Sadly...a few months later they realized the mistake they had made and divorced. It was the only time Stevie ever married.

 

I am quite certain it happens more than we know. I work in the funeral industry and hear of it quite often.

 

The very sad part of this story is the fact that the woman is married to someone else...and now he suffers from his own pain. Sad....all the way around.

[Niffbadger]

Unless you witnessed the argument, it was him breaking up with her. He got his piece of ass and he moved on. That was when she realized she needed to fix things with you. You, sir, are her Plan B. And she's not even trying to act like you're her Plan A.

 

She cheated, blamed you. She has suffered no consequences. And she's not even close to regretful or ashamed.

 

Is this something you can live with?

 

Thanks for the reply to my post first off. I appreciate the support/constructive criticism.

 

To answer the question yes I'm sure things are done there. There are some legal issues with my wife's friends kids that are currently staying with us that caused the issues between them.

 

The additional kids have brought in more stress into our life's but overall this is a good thing for now as there are other options for them.

 

I've been thinking about your other statement about showing true remorse a lot lately. I do see this as a serious issue. Lately when I've brought up things to her about how things in are relationship are going I get a quick response of "things are fine" and I shouldn't worry about it. Obviously from my standpoint this screams red flags. My plan on this even though I hate doing so is giving her a straight forward ultimatum with aggressive timelines. I'm hoping that she realizes that this is more serious than what she believes. She really is in a position of trying to avoid discussing the big issues at this time.

[Niffbadger]

If it was me, I'd give her a chance to pull her head out of her ass before I bailed. I'm not saying you owe her that, because I think you'd be justified in pulling the plug on this fiasco this evening.

 

 

But if you're anything like me, you want to be assured that you gave this a reasonable shot before you execute the exit plan. So first of all, I'd tell her that she'd better stop screwing off and begin to pull her weight around the house. Either that or get a job (better for you divorce-wise, anyways) and you'll hire a maid.

 

 

Next, I'd make an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her that both of you are going. And that the future of your marriage depends on the amount of effort she puts into that and the marriage in general. Fair warning, in other words.

 

 

The biggest problem I see is that I don't see any remorse on her part. And how sure are you that the affair is over? Like I said, you're on solid ground as far as I'm concerned if you decided to call it a day. Any effort you put in otherwise should be for you, not her.

 

Yeah the situation is very bizarre, in reality if she had went out to seek a relationship or something similar I probably would have a different point of view. I truly want to give her a chance to work on things. But that being said I believe I need to do something to truly make her realize that I'm open to leaving the relationship if things continue to be odd.

 

I mentioned in a previous post to this, but yes I'm certain things are over between the two of them.

[Niffbadger]

People sometimes react badly to trauma. Falling together with her dead best friend's bereaved boyfriend is, obviously, cheating, and a terrible thing to do to you, but on the bright side it's a much better scenario than if she'd just been out looking for extra sex on the side, or banging her boss for the past five years, or something.

 

I think it would be possible to recover from this if she put the effort in. Unfortunately, whether because she has changed her mind about you or because she is still reeling from her loss, it seems like she's not giving 100% to trying to get back to a good place with you. And she has really shot herself in the foot for dealing with the original grief, because now she has hurt and alienated you, who would otherwise be her strong support. She cannot fairly expect you to do all the work in getting her back and helping her recover, because she hurt you. But she doesn't seem totally able to understand that right now.

 

 

 

It is not you. She's depressed and having trouble dealing with loss. This is coming through very clearly, not just in how she's dealing with you but in her difficulties coping with the rest of her life and responsibilities right now.

 

Is she also getting individual counselling to help her deal with her reaction to the loss of her friend?

 

I think a lot of the posts before me are really overlooking the context here. There's more going on than JUST itchy panties.

 

I must say, thank you for spending the time reading my post and understanding where it was coming from. This is the main reason that I have been more willing to putting in effort instead of just flat out leaving.

 

She is not getting individual counseling, I've suggested she do so but she is not very receptive to counseling in general.

 

Yeah honestly I find it difficult at this time to provide much of any support. I play nice about current issues going on. Stress over the past few months has been very high with this event and other things going on.

 

I'm honestly hoping to give her the opportunity to either decide she wants to truly work on our relationship or if we should just part ways and avoid the wasted effort. I have came to the point I'm willing to accept either or decision, but I'd prefer to try to work things out as separating would be quite difficult on me and my kids. But in reality over the past few weeks I've realized that I need to start making decisions for me instead of others.

[Niffbadger]

This is truly a bizarre scenario, cheating with the boyfriend of her best friend who recently died?

 

Niffbadger, how was your marriage before the death of your wife's best friend?

 

Yeah I agree, this is very strange, but I suppose grief does some strange things to people at times... Not making an excuse for her behalf just saying. In reality I was trying to be supportive after the event but ended up being sick for about 1.5 months shortly after the event. And in some strange way I though two people grieving together actually might be beneficial. One of those things where I didn't believe that something could ever occur.

 

My marriage before this wasn't perfect, but certainly wasn't terrible. We had our issues and we had great times. The past year I think both of us have been more complaisant and lazy about how we manage our relationship.

 

I've always lacked a lot of emotions in general which my wife had recently brought that up as an issue. I'm very analytic for how I make decisions in my life.

 

That all being said I still wouldn't of assumed that our relationship was to a point where one of us would consider leaving or looking for someone else.

[Zona]

 

I've always lacked a lot of emotions in general which my wife had recently brought that up as an issue. I'm very analytic for how I make decisions in my life.

 

That all being said I still wouldn't of assumed that our relationship was to a point where one of us would consider leaving or looking for someone else.

 

In general, men just don't display their emotions like women do. I think most women accept this as a natural part of life. That's one thing I've always loved about women is their natural ability to be so expressive with their emotions.

 

I must say though, if your posts are any indication, you seem to be surprisingly calm about it. In this case I think it may be better for you to let your emotions spill out and don't hold back. Your wife probably doesn't get the seriousness of the situation because of your calm nature, and she may take this as a sign you don't really care.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Zona