Timuquana2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) I've only been dating this individual for a few months and already a red flag has arose. Yesterday his two kids, 18 and 20 years old, got into a physical altercation with one another at their mom's house which is two hours away. I was in my boyfriends car when I heard about it as their dad was was trying to find out what had occurred. He had ugly convos with both on the phone during the drive back to house. I felt insanely uncomfortable and I hated to be hearing all this. Once we arrived at his house you could cut the tension with a knife. I was sitting on the couch when I kindly asked him if everything was ok. He said he didn't want to discuss it as it was a family matter. I sat there for an hour as he sat and stewed over it. I quietly got up and left the room. I just didn't know what to say and when I tried talking about something else he wasn't willing to chat. So I went into another room to watch t to give him his space till he was ready to chat with me. In doing so he found great offense to it and came into the room asking why I left the main room. I told him that I felt uncomfortable and why. He insisted that I only left because he refused to discuss the situation with me. That was not the case. And when I tried telling him WHY he blew up in my face and saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. Saying how I'm just like all the other women in his past....women who don't get their way. Deflecting left and right. I grew so angry with hearing his off the wall accusations I just started crying....better to cry than exhibit anger. He then told me to stop being emotional and threw this in;"I see how you communicate. You just shut down and cry. You are too emotional for me." This is first argument we ever had and for him to say that to me was a low blow considering I told him day one of us meeting that I'm the type of person to cry rather than show anger. And of course he said how much he finds zero issue with that characteristic of me....back then but now finds it to be an issue now. Next day he acts as if nothing happened the day before. My gut is telling me to walk because just his way of resolving the issue is non-existent. Him raising his voice at me, over talking me and making some sexist statements and comparing me to past relationships. I feel like every time we have a disagreement that he will just be a bully again. Thoughts? Edited June 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
rushed Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to your gut. Red flags all over the place with this one. You said he had "ugly" conversations with his teenagers. You heard how he communicates with them when he's upset. This is his normal style. This man has anger issues. He got mad at you for leaving the room. He got mad at you for crying. And zero apologies. Do you really want to be with a man who acts like this? It's only early on in your relationship. It will get worse. For your own sake, leave now. 6
preraph Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 On Loveshack, I'm always telling people it takes some time to get to know someone before they marry them, and this is why. I always say you don't marry someone until you've seen them during a bad time and how they handle it, like your car breakdown or their own or you're ill or they're ill or they're going through a bad time like this. This is when you see the dark side if there is one. Now because this seemed bullyish going forward you will be afraid to rock the boat and stand up for yourself for fear of setting him off, and when it has to be done, it will be a bad time. He was displacing anger at you and you can't just let him act like it never happened. I think how you handled it was exactly right, which was to give him some space but when he's like that, nothing you could have done would have been the right thing to him. So you can't win when he's like this. If you have had any other inclinations that this wasn't going to last, then now is certainly a good time to give it serious consideration. 3
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 This is when a smart woman say: No thank you. And leave. I have read in your last post that you broke up from your last relationship last January, it means this relationship is brand new, not even 6 months. This type of outburst, anger, language is innacceptable. If he does this at a couple of months dating what will he be doing at 1-2 years? This is the tip of the iceburg. Do not ignore it. 4
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 On Loveshack, I'm always telling people it takes some time to get to know someone before they marry them, and this is why. I always say you don't marry someone until you've seen them during a bad time and how they handle it, like your car breakdown or their own or you're ill or they're ill or they're going through a bad time like this. This is when you see the dark side if there is one. Now because this seemed bullyish going forward you will be afraid to rock the boat and stand up for yourself for fear of setting him off, and when it has to be done, it will be a bad time. He was displacing anger at you and you can't just let him act like it never happened. I think how you handled it was exactly right, which was to give him some space but when he's like that, nothing you could have done would have been the right thing to him. So you can't win when he's like this. If you have had any other inclinations that this wasn't going to last, then now is certainly a good time to give it serious consideration. I TOTALLY agree with this. I recently ended a 10 month relationship and one of the reasons was how I saw him to react to a bad situation....I just couldn't spend my life with someone who handled adversity that way (and this concerned a dog, not even actual humans). In addition to seeing someone through a problem and how they react, I'd also add that you go away overnight with them for a few days, but that has nothing to do with this post. OP, trust your gut that he will always be a bully in disagreements. I was married to this man; they don't change this way of dealing with conflict. You did nothing wrong. 3
Author Timuquana2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Author Posted June 9, 2017 Last night "he" talked about it. And I emphasize the word "he" because he said that we needed to be on the same page when it comes to any future arguments. And once again I had to repeat how I felt about the entire situation. I waited for him to acknowledge my thoughts/feelings....dang it....an apology of some sort!!! Nope. Wasn't resolved in the slightest. He doesn't understand my spirit and has zero interest in getting to know it and accepting it for what it is. So after that convo I just knew immediately that going forward with him would only be a waste of my valuable time. So he took me out to dinner....III Forks....a very pricey restaurant where I ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, ordered an $86 piece of steak and few appetizers and took dessert home. I enjoyed every single last morsel of it. I came home alone where I proceeded to block all his numbers and email addresses. I did send a lovely email outlining the reasons why I can no longer see him. I just have a zero tolerance for nonsense... too many fish in the sea. 10
MidwestUSA Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Last night "he" talked about it. And I emphasize the word "he" because he said that we needed to be on the same page when it comes to any future arguments. And once again I had to repeat how I felt about the entire situation. I waited for him to acknowledge my thoughts/feelings....dang it....an apology of some sort!!! Nope. Wasn't resolved in the slightest. He doesn't understand my spirit and has zero interest in getting to know it and accepting it for what it is. So after that convo I just knew immediately that going forward with him would only be a waste of my valuable time. So he took me out to dinner....III Forks....a very pricey restaurant where I ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, ordered an $86 piece of steak and few appetizers and took dessert home. I enjoyed every single last morsel of it. I came home alone where I proceeded to block all his numbers and email addresses. I did send a lovely email outlining the reasons why I can no longer see him. I just have a zero tolerance for nonsense... too many fish in the sea. Well done!! 3
Phoenician Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to your gut. Red flags all over the place with this one. You said he had "ugly" conversations with his teenagers. You heard how he communicates with them when he's upset. This is his normal style. This man has anger issues. He got mad at you for leaving the room. He got mad at you for crying. And zero apologies. Do you really want to be with a man who acts like this? It's only early on in your relationship. It will get worse. For your own sake, leave now. I t is amazing how we can smell passive aggressive ppl from a long distance ; i bet I have experience in this .... please run as fast as you can 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Last night "he" talked about it. And I emphasize the word "he" because he said that we needed to be on the same page when it comes to any future arguments. And once again I had to repeat how I felt about the entire situation. I waited for him to acknowledge my thoughts/feelings....dang it....an apology of some sort!!! Nope. Wasn't resolved in the slightest. He doesn't understand my spirit and has zero interest in getting to know it and accepting it for what it is. So after that convo I just knew immediately that going forward with him would only be a waste of my valuable time. So he took me out to dinner....III Forks....a very pricey restaurant where I ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, ordered an $86 piece of steak and few appetizers and took dessert home. I enjoyed every single last morsel of it. I came home alone where I proceeded to block all his numbers and email addresses. I did send a lovely email outlining the reasons why I can no longer see him. I just have a zero tolerance for nonsense... too many fish in the sea. Nice job! 3
Maggie4 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 You know, there is a reason why his 18 and 20 year olds would get into a physical altercation, right? He raised them in that environment. You don't belong there 6
preraph Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 Last night "he" talked about it. And I emphasize the word "he" because he said that we needed to be on the same page when it comes to any future arguments. And once again I had to repeat how I felt about the entire situation. I waited for him to acknowledge my thoughts/feelings....dang it....an apology of some sort!!! Nope. Wasn't resolved in the slightest. He doesn't understand my spirit and has zero interest in getting to know it and accepting it for what it is. So after that convo I just knew immediately that going forward with him would only be a waste of my valuable time. So he took me out to dinner....III Forks....a very pricey restaurant where I ordered the most expensive bottle of wine, ordered an $86 piece of steak and few appetizers and took dessert home. I enjoyed every single last morsel of it. I came home alone where I proceeded to block all his numbers and email addresses. I did send a lovely email outlining the reasons why I can no longer see him. I just have a zero tolerance for nonsense... too many fish in the sea. Well played. When considering whether to forgive rageful behavior, remember that if it was totally out of his control, as some rage is, he would be unable to keep a job because he'd be raging at work, and when you think of it that you are who he decides NOT to control it with, then it becomes clearer why this is a real problem. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 It appears he has raised two dysfunctional children which are reflections on him. While I agree, you should stay out of it and remove yourself from the situation, his interaction with you was dysfunctional and a further reflection on him. I feel like every time we have a disagreement that he will just be a bully again. -- BINGO! he blew up in my face and saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation at hand -- This is the absolute worst thing a person can do in a conflict PERIOD. He has very poor conflict resolution skills which is a big indicator of future relationship failure. Exit gracefully and with confidence -- "I want and need respect and a drama free relationship for myself. It's been nice to know you, but I don't think there is a mutually satisfying relationship potential between us". 2
Author Timuquana2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 It appears he has raised two dysfunctional children which are reflections on him. While I agree, you should stay out of it and remove yourself from the situation, his interaction with you was dysfunctional and a further reflection on him. I feel like every time we have a disagreement that he will just be a bully again. -- BINGO! he blew up in my face and saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation at hand -- This is the absolute worst thing a person can do in a conflict PERIOD. He has very poor conflict resolution skills which is a big indicator of future relationship failure. Exit gracefully and with confidence -- "I want and need respect and a drama free relationship for myself. It's been nice to know you, but I don't think there is a mutually satisfying relationship potential between us". OMG yes!!! I looked up the signs of poor conflict resolution skills and every single one listed described my situation to a capital T. And I'm so glad I cut the cord with him. I always say that a person shows his/her true colors after three months and once they reveal its pretty much set in stone. 1
jessiesgurl Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) I grew so angry with hearing his off the wall accusations I just started crying....better to cry than exhibit anger. He then told me to stop being emotional and threw this in;"I see how you communicate. You just shut down and cry. You are too emotional for me." I agree with everyone, but just wanted to add something else that hadn't been mentioned. No, crying isn't better than showing anger. I used to cry too, instead of getting angry, which I have learned is definitely NOT healthy nor does it resolve anything. It only results in exactly how your now ex bf reacted, flipping it back on you for being too "emotional" instead of discussing the issue at hand like two rational adults. Anyway, now when feeling angry (which happens very infrequently), I either express it in a healthy manner OR exit and situation, AND wait until we have BOTH calmed down and then discuss later on. All that said, I am glad you walked away! Good for you. For me personally, I wouldn't have bothered going to dinner though and doing all that. I don't need to get that sort of revenge, walking away and never looking back is enough revenge for me. If it made you feel better though, then more power to ya I guess. We all do what we feel is best for us, so not gonna judge you on that. Edited June 10, 2017 by jessiesgurl 2
healing light Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 My mom and I just laughed at your Forks III tale. She was married to an abusive man and who was a complete bully during arguments. There was a reason he had had 4 wives-- it doesn't change. It's obvious that his "talk" to get you on the "same page" was meant to beat you into submission. So glad you didn't fall for it and you cut your losses. 3
Author Timuquana2017 Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 My mom and I just laughed at your Forks III tale. She was married to an abusive man and who was a complete bully during arguments. There was a reason he had had 4 wives-- it doesn't change. It's obvious that his "talk" to get you on the "same page" was meant to beat you into submission. So glad you didn't fall for it and you cut your losses. His eyes bulged when he saw the check. LOL. It was priceless And the meal was delish. I would've fell for his mess in my younger days but not anymore. He was married once before and he said she cheated on him. She was probably treated the same way and felt the need to step out. 2
InvisiBlonde Posted June 11, 2017 Posted June 11, 2017 I've only been dating this individual for a few months and already a red flag has arose. . . I sat there for an hour as he sat and stewed over it. I quietly got up and left the room. . . when I tried telling him WHY he blew up in my face and saying stuff that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. . . Deflecting left and right. . . "I see how you communicate. You just shut down and cry. You are too emotional for me." Next day he acts as if nothing happened the day before. . . every time we have a disagreement that he will just be a bully again. If you bring it up, even later the same day, you'll get, "That's OVER with" or "That's in the PAST." After twenty-two years, I am actively and consciously planning my escape (please God). It N-E-V-E-R gets better. I've been called a "Dumb C*** From (Name Of My Hometown)" and worse. Here's a link from a site (baggagereclaim.co.uk) that's been of enormous help to me. This particular post deals with what she calls "The Reset Button" The Reset Button and Just Move On and Fuggedaboudit I also urge you to research "Borderline Personality Disorder." I suspect you'll find out everything you need to know. GET OUT BEFORE HE TURNS YOU INTO SOMEONE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE! 1
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