HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I've been seeing this girl for about 4 months now. We started dating not too long after she broke up with the father of her child, whom she was with for 4 years. In fact we started to get to know one another during the time they were arguing a lot. Since we got together, things have moved relatively quickly. I regularly stay over at her house, or she stays over at mine. I've introduced her to my family and I want this to last for a long time.She says she loves me and I love her, but I want to know if I'm lying to myself about what this really is. They only broke up because they had been arguing a lot for months and she says he became a really insecure, controlling jerk. At first, it seemed like they didn't interact very much, but then I started to notice some strange things like: him spending the night with he house a few times after staying late visiting their child (she would tell me each time, but say nothing happened). It happened several times until it stopped happening. I noticed that they interact subliminally over social media, posting things that indirectly reference one another. At one point, I saw that there were pictures up that they had taken together after she and I started dating. Lately, she's been texting him a lot. At all hours of the day, and she says that she wants to maintain a relationship with him for the sake of their son. But I've seen them texting as late as 12am. And recently they decided that they'd be spending most weekends together on family outings with their child. I've expressed how upset I am at most of these things. But they keep happening, and when I told her that "if this was the case, she should have just stayed with him" she just got angry. At one point she event told me she plans to "always be friendly and friends with him, no matter what I think" Recently, we went on vacation and she was texting him the entire morning at the airport, and as soon as we landed. Am I lying to myself by thinking this is going to last. More broadly, what would someone seeing this from the outside say/think?
Zahara Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I have a feeling you're the rebound. This is why it's never a good idea to date someone that is exiting a relationship. 4
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 It amazes me the number of people getting in relationships with people barely out of their last relationship. What you are experiencing is normal. That is why when you meet someone not even out of their relationship or just out of their relationship you tell them: No thank you! These people need time to figure themselves out and RARELY the first boyfriend (or girlfriend) after a break end up being their next LTR. Rarely.
Author HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 I have a feeling you're the rebound. This is why it's never a good idea to date someone that is exiting a relationship. If in 4 months with me she hasn't stopped missing him, do you think they'll just end up getting back together regardless of how long she and I last?
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Am I lying to myself by thinking this is going to last. Yes. More broadly, what would someone seeing this from the outside say/think? 1. That she and her ex are not emotionally done with one another. 2. You are the rebound. 3. You are not a priority with her. 4. You need to put her down and let her be with him since she can't sever the tie and won't. Yeah, the child is a valid reason for being in touch, but not after midnight unless she or he is on the way to the hospital with the child.
Zahara Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 If in 4 months with me she hasn't stopped missing him, do you think they'll just end up getting back together regardless of how long she and I last? She's already exhibiting signs that she is still emotionally attached to him. I can't tell you if she will go back to him but it's clear that she's not fully emotionally invested in you. You're a rebound. You're the fallback while she figures out the ex. 3
Author HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Yes. 1. That she and her ex are not emotionally done with one another. 2. You are the rebound. 3. You are not a priority with her. 4. You need to put her down and let her be with him since she can't sever the tie and won't. Yeah, the child is a valid reason for being in touch, but not after midnight unless she or he is on the way to the hospital with the child. Do you think it matters that she's told him "I'm in love with someone else, and I'm happy and rather move on, please do the same"? Or is that standard for the rebound course?
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 If in 4 months with me she hasn't stopped missing him, do you think they'll just end up getting back together regardless of how long she and I last? She's already back with him. 3
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 If in 4 months with me she hasn't stopped missing him, do you think they'll just end up getting back together regardless of how long she and I last? Yes she will go back. They have a 4 year bond, you have 4 months. They have a child together and a woman will do anything she can to keep her family together. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Do you think it matters that she's told him "I'm in love with someone else, and I'm happy and rather move on, please do the same"? Or is that standard for the rebound course? I'd say that her actions are speaking more loudly than her words.
Zahara Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Do you think it matters that she's told him "I'm in love with someone else, and I'm happy and rather move on, please do the same"? Or is that standard for the rebound course? Just words. Focus on her actions. 1
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Do you think it matters that she's told him "I'm in love with someone else, and I'm happy and rather move on, please do the same"? Or is that standard for the rebound course? In fact, they never really broke up. She used you as a distraction and a means to make him jealous. When he pisses her off enough, she'll be calling you again to try to lure you back into her messiness. This is classic rebound messiness and you're well advised to not even enter into it. 2
Author HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 In fact, they never really broke up. She used you as a distraction and a means to make him jealous. When he pisses her off enough, she'll be calling you again to try to lure you back into her messiness. This is classic rebound messiness and you're well advised to not even enter into it. I should mention that she's brought me around her family and our relationship is very much public. But I get EXACTLY what you mean. They may have "broken up", but they never actually broke up. I'm caught in the middle of one big nasty argument basically. If we were to break up, how would I go about it? We've been moving really fast, and have booked trips together, and I've been talking about moving in at some point. She just met my parents. Btw, I'm clearly an idiot
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I should mention that she's brought me around her family and our relationship is very much public. But I get EXACTLY what you mean. They may have "broken up", but they never actually broke up. I'm caught in the middle of one big nasty argument basically. If we were to break up, how would I go about it? We've been moving really fast, and have booked trips together, and I've been talking about moving in at some point. She just met my parents. Btw, I'm clearly an idiot I am sure her family and yours both rolled their eyes at you. You won't be the first person to cancel a trip because of a break up. Cancel if you took the insurance, or invite someone else, or simply accept the loss. Live and learn eh. 2
mightycpa Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I think you're missing the part that single women with children come along with a fair amount of baggage that puts you squarely in #3 priority position at best, and that the ones with children's fathers exes that stay both friendly and in the picture probably place you even lower on the totem pole. Lots of people in her postion do the occasional celebration as a "family", but allow the child's relationship to grow independently with the father. She seems to want everybody except for you to still perceive them as a family unit. Wake up. Get yourself a girl who does not need a baggage handler.
Zahara Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I should mention that she's brought me around her family and our relationship is very much public. All that means nothing. A lesson I have had to learn that those gestures aren't guarantees. But I get EXACTLY what you mean. They may have "broken up", but they never actually broke up. I'm caught in the middle of one big nasty argument basically. You're caught in the middle of unresolved emotional ties between the two of them. If we were to break up, how would I go about it? We've been moving really fast, and have booked trips together, and I've been talking about moving in at some point. She just met my parents. Btw, I'm clearly an idiot It's just a trip. If you lose money, so be it. The focus is to get yourself out of the dysfunction. I bet she will try to change your mind. If so, tell her what the boundaries are and if she can't adhere, you move on. Personally, this is not the relationship for you. 3
Author HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 I've been seeing this girl for about 4 months now. We started dating not too long after she broke up with the father of her child, whom she was with for 4 years. In fact we started to get to know one another during the time they were arguing a lot. Since we got together, things have moved relatively quickly. I regularly stay over at her house, or she stays over at mine. I've introduced her to my family and I want this to last for a long time.She says she loves me and I love her, but I want to know if I'm lying to myself about what this really is. They only broke up because they had been arguing a lot for months and she says he became a really insecure, controlling jerk. At first, it seemed like they didn't interact very much, but then I started to notice some strange things like: him spending the night with he house a few times after staying late visiting their child (she would tell me each time, but say nothing happened). It happened several times until it stopped happening. I noticed that they interact subliminally over social media, posting things that indirectly reference one another. At one point, I saw that there were pictures up that they had taken together after she and I started dating. Lately, she's been texting him a lot. At all hours of the day, and she says that she wants to maintain a relationship with him for the sake of their son. But I've seen them texting as late as 12am. And recently they decided that they'd be spending most weekends together on family outings with their child. I've expressed how upset I am at most of these things. But they keep happening, and when I told her that "if this was the case, she should have just stayed with him" she just got angry. At one point she event told me she plans to "always be friendly and friends with him, no matter what I think" Recently, we went on vacation and she was texting him the entire morning at the airport, and as soon as we landed. Am I lying to myself by thinking this is going to last. More broadly, what would someone seeing this from the outside say/think? I am sure her family and yours both rolled their eyes at you. You won't be the first person to cancel a trip because of a break up. Cancel if you took the insurance, or invite someone else, or simply accept the loss. Live and learn eh. Fair enough, I mean they were engaged up until they broke up. Her family has been very receptive to me and says I should come around more because "She seems happier and more like her old self". But I suppose that those things don't matter. Taking the loss might not be such a bad idea.
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I should mention that she's brought me around her family and our relationship is very much public. But I get EXACTLY what you mean. They may have "broken up", but they never actually broke up. I'm caught in the middle of one big nasty argument basically. Her relationship with her ex is just as public--they have a child together and everyone knows that. You tell your parents that you realized that she wasn't emotionally done with her ex and you feel you deserve better treatment than that. If we were to break up, how would I go about it? We've been moving really fast, and have booked trips together, and I've been talking about moving in at some point. She just met my parents. Btw, I'm clearly an idiot Don't be hard on yourself. I would just tell her that it's obvious that she is not emotionally done with her ex and because she insists upon having 24hour access to him, among other things, that you're no longer of the mind to pursue this. Yeah, she'll be mad, etc., but hey, she can be mad. She wants to maintain ties to her ex that are on par with ties one would have to a lover. As I said, texting after midnight is only appropriate if they were taking their child to the hospital. Conversations about the child can take place during the day and not at time when you and she have a reasonable expectation of each other's attention and close proximity. 1
Author HereWeGoAgain123 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Thanks for that, you guys are definitely confirming things that I was starting to feel. I just wasnt sure if I was being paranoid. It seems like there's no way this can work, esp because she's even told me "when it comes to her child and him..If i have a problem, I CAN be the one to leave"
Zahara Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 It seems like there's no way this can work, esp because she's even told me "when it comes to her child and him..If i have a problem, I CAN be the one to leave" I'm sorry OP, it's clear as day. She's using the child's relationship with the father to justify her need/want to maintain the ex in her life.
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 It seems like there's no way this can work, esp because she's even told me "when it comes to her child and him..If i have a problem, I CAN be the one to leave" Then there you go. She's already shown you the door. I'd slam it shut behind me and nail it shut to keep her in since that's where she wants to be. 1
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Thanks for that, you guys are definitely confirming things that I was starting to feel. I just wasnt sure if I was being paranoid. It seems like there's no way this can work, esp because she's even told me "when it comes to her child and him..If i have a problem, I CAN be the one to leave" Very soon you will be glad you broke it. There is nothing good waiting for you here. You deserve someone that is at peace with her past and can totally devote herself to loving you. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I've been seeing this girl for about 4 months now. We started dating not too long after she broke up with the father of her child, whom she was with for 4 years. In fact we started to get to know one another during the time they were arguing a lot. Since we got together, things have moved relatively quickly. I regularly stay over at her house, or she stays over at mine. I've introduced her to my family and I want this to last for a long time.She says she loves me and I love her, but I want to know if I'm lying to myself about what this really is. They only broke up because they had been arguing a lot for months and she says he became a really insecure, controlling jerk. At first, it seemed like they didn't interact very much, but then I started to notice some strange things like: him spending the night with he house a few times after staying late visiting their child (she would tell me each time, but say nothing happened). It happened several times until it stopped happening. I noticed that they interact subliminally over social media, posting things that indirectly reference one another. At one point, I saw that there were pictures up that they had taken together after she and I started dating. Lately, she's been texting him a lot. At all hours of the day, and she says that she wants to maintain a relationship with him for the sake of their son. But I've seen them texting as late as 12am. And recently they decided that they'd be spending most weekends together on family outings with their child. I've expressed how upset I am at most of these things. But they keep happening, and when I told her that "if this was the case, she should have just stayed with him" she just got angry. At one point she event told me she plans to "always be friendly and friends with him, no matter what I think" Recently, we went on vacation and she was texting him the entire morning at the airport, and as soon as we landed. Am I lying to myself by thinking this is going to last. More broadly, what would someone seeing this from the outside say/think? You've heard about rebounding, yes? You are right smack dab in the middle of it.
preraph Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Though I applaud that she and the ex are willing to be friendly because of the kids, I don't see how them going on weekends with the kids together is anything less than perpetuating their own relationship. That is just not a decision most exes with kids make. They trade the kids back and forth instead. It sounds like she just wants to be friends with him and him be a father and probably does not want him romantically which is why she'd okay with this arrangement with both of you. And certainly their thing will probably blow up again if she's not sleeping with him, but the fact is they are not apart and done yet. So really, leaving her no excuse but to let him totally back into her life is probably the quickest road to them both either getting back together or breaking up properly. He'll stop trying as hard once there's not a male to compete with and go backsliding and they'll be right back to what separated them to begin with. But I would get out.
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