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On second date, older guy invited me back to his apartment--should I be insulted?

kate324

By kate324
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kate324 Member

kate324

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A 32 year old professor asked me to dinner (not my professor), I told him I was 20. We went out and I explained I was inexperienced when he asked about my sex life (on the FIRST date...). He said sex is a way to test chemistry. For the next date, he wanted to cook me dinner at his apartment (he is from Italy and apparently makes "the best pasta")

Allllrightt....I told him I wasn't interested over text the next day.

For weeks he said he wanted to talk about what happened (sending texts or expressing this when we ran into each other on campus). I gave in after three weeks and we met. he explained 32 year old men aren't just after sex. He is pretty charming, charismatic. I agreed to go out again. He texted me for the next couple of days about grad school, what I'm interested in.

On the second dinner (at a restaurant): He told me he has talked to his friends about me, what i would think of dating long distance when i got to grad school in a year, wanted to know if i would introduce him to my friends.....near the end he kissed me (stuck his tongue in my mouth) and kissed my neck and invited me back to his apartment.

I said I should head home and realizing me shutting down I think he said "No. of course"

Can you guys tell me what you think his intentions were?? Are you getting bad vibes?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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He wanted to have sex with you. If he can take no for an answer you don't need to be insulted. If he's a pest about it, by all means walk away.

 

 

From the most cynical perspective, the age & power difference seems to indicate that he may have thought you'd be easy to manipulate.

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mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

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Not insulted but you should be running and not looking back unless you just want sex but it doesn't look like it.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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A 32 year old professor asked me to dinner (not my professor), I told him I was 20. We went out and I explained I was inexperienced when he asked about my sex life (on the FIRST date...). He said sex is a way to test chemistry. For the next date, he wanted to cook me dinner at his apartment (he is from Italy and apparently makes "the best pasta")

Allllrightt....I told him I wasn't interested over text the next day.

For weeks he said he wanted to talk about what happened (sending texts or expressing this when we ran into each other on campus). I gave in after three weeks and we met. he explained 32 year old men aren't just after sex. He is pretty charming, charismatic. I agreed to go out again. He texted me for the next couple of days about grad school, what I'm interested in.

On the second dinner (at a restaurant): He told me he has talked to his friends about me, what i would think of dating long distance when i got to grad school in a year, wanted to know if i would introduce him to my friends.....near the end he kissed me (stuck his tongue in my mouth) and kissed my neck and invited me back to his apartment.

I said I should head home and realizing me shutting down I think he said "No. of course"

Can you guys tell me what you think his intentions were?? Are you getting bad vibes?

 

He said sex is a way to test chemistry -- Not on the second date . . . This guy is on the hunt for sex . . .

  • Like 3
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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I explained I was inexperienced when he asked about my sex life (on the FIRST date...). He said sex is a way to test chemistry.

 

He's looking for sex.

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greymatter Established Member

greymatter

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He made it pretty obvious. Unless sex is what you were looking for, which clearly was not the case. I don't know if I would be insulted but it would be a turnoff.

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kate324 Member

kate324

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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He wanted to have sex with you.

 

And, I would say that it totally creeps me out that he asked you out given your significant age different and inexperience. The discussion you shared is disturbing and he was absolutely trying to coerce you to sleep with him when he told you that sex was the best way to assess chemistry. Gross!

 

Run from this guy, he is bad news...

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

 

No, but learn from this experience.

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

 

Only if you actually "fell" for it. And, even if you did, just chalk it up to learning and experience like most people do/did. You don't know what you don't know until you know it . . .

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

 

There are guys that are always going to try their luck even if you communicate that you are not looking for sex.

 

The onus is on you to identify the ones that are and move on from them.

 

Don't feel "stupid" or "naive". Learn from this and stay away from him.

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kate324 Member

kate324

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reg flags were raised...but i did really think he liked me lol. welp. thanks guys! will stay far far away. i now will plummet into spinsterhood.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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He did like you. Just not for the wholesome reasons you hoped

 

 

You are only 20. One bad date with a manipulative older man will not plummet you into spinsterhood. I'm hoping you were being sarcastic not overly dramatic.

  • Like 3
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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reg flags were raised...but i did really think he liked me lol. welp. thanks guys! will stay far far away. i now will plummet into spinsterhood.

 

You're 20. Don't be so dramatic. This is just one guy that crossed your path.

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kate324 Member

kate324

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it was sarcasm (and a quote from 30 rock). ill be just fine

  • Like 4
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Guys like him will do and say anything to get you into the sac and you know it....and you just can't ignore it.

 

Tip: if they start in on the topic about sex on the first date second date, circling you like a vulture and with a "Why not come over to my place for my world famous sausage......" He ain't talkin about food and a nice conversation. Dump the chump.....don't worry he won't be the last. Not all guys are predators....but you have to weed them out.

  • Like 6
RecentChange Established Member

RecentChange

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he explained 32 year old men aren't just after sex.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

:sick:

 

Hehehe yeeeeeeah, sure buddy. Many 30 something men are after just sex. ESPECIALLY when they are chasing women much younger than them. What, he thought the 12 year age difference meant that you two would have a lot in common? That you are in the same stages of life and looking for the same things? Hooey.

 

He wanted to "test the chemistry" with you.

 

This guy is a super creep and predator. I can only imagine how many young college girls he attempts to have his way with.

 

Totally inappropriate and creepy. Personally I would be reporting him to campus administration. This is an abuse of power and he should not have the access to students that he has.

  • Like 6
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

 

No. I don't think you were being naive. I think you were trying to be too nice, which you should not have been. He was not taking "no" for an answer.

  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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i made it clear i wasn't about sex..should i feel somewhat stupid for being naive?

 

i made it clear i wasn't about sex -- That doesn't mean that he doesn't think you will change your mind. I'll bet he's heard NO lots of times and the woman gave in because she doesn't know how to enforce her boundaries, is being "coy", or is clearly confused about what to do in certain circumstances. Sometimes they do it because it's worked in the past.

 

Since you made that clear, you should have stopped communicating with him the first time he brought up sex or was making the opportunity for sex to happen after you made that statement.

  • Like 3
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I agree with Smackie. A guy who wants to really get to know you won't talk about sex in the first few dates. If they do bring up sex excessively early in the relationship or if they talk about sex before they even meet you (online dating), that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

And to take it one step further, if you want to have a long term relationship... Don't have sex until you have dated for a while and you have decided that neither of you are dating anyone else. A guy who is really interested, will wait until you are comfortable and ready...

 

Maybe stick to dating some guys closer to your age... Super creepy that this guy was dating much younger women. BIG RED FLAG!

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kate324 Member

kate324

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i ended things (NICELY!) over a voicemail (he said he could talk and then he didn't answer and i just wanted to get it over with so i opted to do that). In response (over text) he was VICIOUS. He leveraged his position to belittle me, said he had "more important" things to deal with in his career, said I had mood swings.

Im going to be honest, in response i attempted to sooth his bruised ego by flattering--- and it worked (I don't necessarily want a professor for an enemy at the college I go to)

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
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i ended things (NICELY!) over a voicemail (he said he could talk and then he didn't answer and i just wanted to get it over with so i opted to do that). In response (over text) he was VICIOUS. He leveraged his position to belittle me, said he had "more important" things to deal with in his career, said I had mood swings.

Im going to be honest, in response i attempted to sooth his bruised ego by flattering--- and it worked (I don't necessarily want a professor for an enemy at the college I go to)

 

Whatever you do, do not delete his vicious text to you! His behavior is highly inappropriate.

  • Like 7
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

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Posted (edited)
i ended things (NICELY!) over a voicemail (he said he could talk and then he didn't answer and i just wanted to get it over with so i opted to do that). In response (over text) he was VICIOUS. He leveraged his position to belittle me, said he had "more important" things to deal with in his career, said I had mood swings.

Im going to be honest, in response i attempted to sooth his bruised ego by flattering--- and it worked (I don't necessarily want a professor for an enemy at the college I go to)

 

Of course it worked, that is exactly what he wanted you to do. He did it deliberately so you wouldn't report his behavior, and you completely fell for it.

 

I'm pointing this out because this is why he is chasing young women at college, because they are less experienced with men and more easily manipulated.

 

Unfortunately, there will be others who he will try and seduce, and if he doesn't get his own way he will try to intimidate them.

 

I know you just want to smooth things over, but a man who behaves like this has no right to be position of authority. As his career advances, he will only become more bold and inappropriate as he becomes more skilled at manipulating.

 

I recommend that you speak to someone you trust at your college and advise them about the situation and what he is up to.

 

Don't delete any of the messages, they are proof of his unprofessional behavior, and some day you might need it.

 

Also, I just wanted to add that I think you handled it the best way you could at the time, and you were smart not to go over to his house. Always trust your instincts!

Edited by Scarlett.O'hara
  • Like 3
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kate324 Member

kate324

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he said he did some research and mentioned that if we were to date it isn't against our schools's policy because i am not under his direct supervision (i.e his student, grad student). i fact checked him of course and asked a trusted advisor at the university---and he was right. he isn't breaking any rules...so really there isn't anything to report. he's just a jerk.

  • Like 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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he said he did some research and mentioned that if we were to date it isn't against our schools's policy because i am not under his direct supervision (i.e his student, grad student). i fact checked him of course and asked a trusted advisor at the university---and he was right. he isn't breaking any rules...so really there isn't anything to report. he's just a jerk.

 

Still, if he becomes harassing, I'm sure that would be seriously frowned upon!

  • Like 3
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