Should I email my ex?

[Altair0770]

So many people that have been here for awhile know my story. It's in that long thread that I'm too lazy to link, but the purpose of that thread was to help people that just got out of a breakup and what they should do if they want to heal and/or reconcile.

 

I have healed. Do I still have some feelings for my ex? Yes, but no longer am I letting it get to me, and I've heard enough times that I won't ever completely lose those feelings. She'll always be part of my memory.

 

The long story short is we met online early 2016. We took the opportunity to get really close personality wise. Would send each other pictures everyday, ask each other questions and also send videos and what not.

 

We finally decided to meet. This was about 11 months ago. First day was great. We talked about everything we were going to do together. Late that evening, she had a panic attack and said she couldn't come back with me. Second day she seemed distant and cold. Late that night she broke down again. I asked if I could stay rather than us going back and she asked if we could try again later.

 

The next 3 months after that trip we were still "together", but was her treating me like crap. I took a lot of time to research and found out she has PTSD. She broke up with me in October.

 

I did NC for about 2 months. Came back very late November. It felt like we needed a break. She was extremely depressed that I was gone. When I came back she instantly got extremely happy.

 

She took that opportunity to find someone else. So I decided to leave again. She was heartbroken.

 

Me being the idiot I am, I tried to win her back by bringing up memories. She seemed uninterested. I pondered over those uninterested texts and got really angry, and told her I deserve to be loved and I'm not a **** boy. She got really upset about that. Not mad, just hurt. We then talked. She said the door's closed and the words "if you need to go away for awhile that's FINE" really struck a nerve.

 

I said my final goodbye. This was the last time I talked to her. I needed to vent. Doesn't matter if you're a deer, a wolf, a lion, a fish, or a human, when you're hurt you let out a growl, a roar. I did, and said some really mean things about her. Of course she snooped and saw it.

 

Now it's a tiny bit over 4 months since last speaking to her. The healing has been great. I know I can live without her, and I really feel rather indifferent. The only thing keeping me back is the guilt of saying those nasty things. I tested to see how far I went and checked her social media. After all, she's been spying on mine daily (it's really easy to find out if you try hard enough).

 

Nothing there. Hmmm. I also learned about a month ago from a mutual friend that I ran into, literally right after saying, "I don't want to hear anything about her or her new partner". He replied, "she didn't pursue her new interest".

 

I don't buy it, and what I saw on her SM makes me strongly believe she was rejected. After all she was devastated when I said I needed to leave again, and was willing to let me leave her life permanently for this new interest. I highly doubt she just said, "welp, not interested".

 

I'm totally okay with not dating this girl. I've been to enough therapy, and did enough self reflecting that I know I deserve SO MUCH better. As my therapist said, "After everything you told me, why do you want to be abused so badly? Why do you want to go after someone that hurt you? Why don't you want to be with someone that loves you, that doesn't need fixing". Not to mention the thought that if we got back together, would it work out? HIGHLY unlikely. She's so far from being ready for a relationship that I don't think she'll have one until she's 40 (She's 23 now).

 

However, the kind of person I am is an empath. I feel pity for her. She has had PTSD since very early childhood (before double digit age). Her father abandoned her, so she thinks I abandoned her (despite her leaving the relationship).

 

I don't really want to have our relationship end the way it did. She meant a lot to me at the time, and I've grown SO much because of my relationship with her, and best of all I learned what I'm capable of in a relationship. When everyone told me to give up on her I didn't. When everyone told me she's crazy I defended her. She's now had 3 "flings". 2 of them rejected her. One of them didn't, that one being me.

 

I'm thinking of sending her an email next week. I know it goes against everything I said, but I do question if this one is different. Most people send emails pouring out their hearts. I'm not going to do that. I'd be lying if I said I miss her, and still love her.

 

My email would be short and to the point. Basically saying that I'm sorry for the outburst I had, and saying those nasty things publicly. That the reason I did is because I was so hurt at the time. Also to explain that my decision to go NC was to heal, and move on, and had nothing to do with wanting to hurt her, and that even if I stuck around to be friends, I'd have been unhappy and eventually would have had to go NC regardless.

 

Would this hurt me? Should I send something like that or just continue NC and let the guilt fade? I don't want this to set me back. I've come so far and the ledge of being over it is right there. But I also don't want to leave someone's life that way. Would it hurt her? If she read it and asked me back I'm 99% sure I'd decline.

 

Thanks for reading.

[d0nnivain]

Leave it alone. If you don't want to reconcile (which I don't believe for a minute) there is no point in reopening the old wound.

 

 

This relationship imploded for a lot of reasons. None of them have been addressed or corrected. What's the point of going back?

[Zahara]

I think this is your junkie mind conjuring up reasons to make contact. It's been awhile since you've been NC and you now have an itch you need to scratch.

 

You mentioned in your other thread that she treated you poorly. Reasons being she has PTSD. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better about herself. Your priority is to keep moving on.

 

The fact that you are still putting this much thought into it and doing a lot of back and forth in this post is indicative that it's not a good idea. Maybe one day when you have reached a level of indifference, you can reach out and apologize but it is too soon.

 

Let the sleeping dog lie.

[desertsession]

After all, she's been spying on mine daily (it's really easy to find out if you try hard enough).

 

Is it? How?

[dumbass2]

No, do not send an email. Don't contact her. Let her continue to heal from the break up. It would be selfish to contact her. If she reaches out to you sometime in the future, then you can think about responding. Also, it may hurt you as well because you'll be expecting a response back and you probably won't get it. That will hurt your feelings.

[BG1]

Altair, I've known your case well and I have been following your situation and healing.

 

I think that it will depend on what are your reasons. The REAL ones. The ones you mention could be already assumed by her and from her perspective you saying that it's not going to change many things.

 

I think a part of you want to prove her something or is looking for reconciliation still. I will suggest; you take more time and then down the line think about this again. I think NC is mostly important for the healing process after you have moved on you can start having some kind of communications but bearing in mind that she is the one that dumped you.

Maybe you want to let her know that you are doing great without her. Try to dig deeper and not only focus in the conscious reasons but maybe the unconscious ones.

 

Like for example, for me its been 3 months of NC (I can't tell if she has been checking me out on Social Media or not) and down the line I will have to decide if there is any point of getting in touch with her or not again. I know I need more space and time.

 

You need to think what would this add you and if it's in your interest. You don't need to think about what she thinks or needs. She should be able to look after herself and if not she needs to learn. Put that energy in your direction and your personal growth.

[mightycpa]

So many people that have been here for awhile know my story. It's in that long thread that I'm too lazy to link, but the purpose of that thread was to help people that just got out of a breakup and what they should do if they want to heal and/or reconcile.

 

I have healed. Do I still have some feelings for my ex? Yes, but no longer am I letting it get to me, and I've heard enough times that I won't ever completely lose those feelings. She'll always be part of my memory.

 

The long story short is we met online early 2016. We took the opportunity to get really close personality wise. Would send each other pictures everyday, ask each other questions and also send videos and what not.

 

We finally decided to meet. This was about 11 months ago. First day was great. We talked about everything we were going to do together. Late that evening, she had a panic attack and said she couldn't come back with me. Second day she seemed distant and cold. Late that night she broke down again. I asked if I could stay rather than us going back and she asked if we could try again later.

 

The next 3 months after that trip we were still "together", but was her treating me like crap. I took a lot of time to research and found out she has PTSD. She broke up with me in October.

 

I did NC for about 2 months. Came back very late November. It felt like we needed a break. She was extremely depressed that I was gone. When I came back she instantly got extremely happy.

 

She took that opportunity to find someone else. So I decided to leave again. She was heartbroken.

 

Me being the idiot I am, I tried to win her back by bringing up memories. She seemed uninterested. I pondered over those uninterested texts and got really angry, and told her I deserve to be loved and I'm not a **** boy. She got really upset about that. Not mad, just hurt. We then talked. She said the door's closed and the words "if you need to go away for awhile that's FINE" really struck a nerve.

 

I said my final goodbye. This was the last time I talked to her. I needed to vent. Doesn't matter if you're a deer, a wolf, a lion, a fish, or a human, when you're hurt you let out a growl, a roar. I did, and said some really mean things about her. Of course she snooped and saw it.

 

Now it's a tiny bit over 4 months since last speaking to her. The healing has been great. I know I can live without her, and I really feel rather indifferent. The only thing keeping me back is the guilt of saying those nasty things. I tested to see how far I went and checked her social media. After all, she's been spying on mine daily (it's really easy to find out if you try hard enough).

 

Nothing there. Hmmm. I also learned about a month ago from a mutual friend that I ran into, literally right after saying, "I don't want to hear anything about her or her new partner". He replied, "she didn't pursue her new interest".

 

I don't buy it, and what I saw on her SM makes me strongly believe she was rejected. After all she was devastated when I said I needed to leave again, and was willing to let me leave her life permanently for this new interest. I highly doubt she just said, "welp, not interested".

 

I'm totally okay with not dating this girl. I've been to enough therapy, and did enough self reflecting that I know I deserve SO MUCH better. As my therapist said, "After everything you told me, why do you want to be abused so badly? Why do you want to go after someone that hurt you? Why don't you want to be with someone that loves you, that doesn't need fixing". Not to mention the thought that if we got back together, would it work out? HIGHLY unlikely. She's so far from being ready for a relationship that I don't think she'll have one until she's 40 (She's 23 now).

 

However, the kind of person I am is an empath. I feel pity for her. She has had PTSD since very early childhood (before double digit age). Her father abandoned her, so she thinks I abandoned her (despite her leaving the relationship).

 

I don't really want to have our relationship end the way it did. She meant a lot to me at the time, and I've grown SO much because of my relationship with her, and best of all I learned what I'm capable of in a relationship. When everyone told me to give up on her I didn't. When everyone told me she's crazy I defended her. She's now had 3 "flings". 2 of them rejected her. One of them didn't, that one being me.

 

I'm thinking of sending her an email next week. I know it goes against everything I said, but I do question if this one is different. Most people send emails pouring out their hearts. I'm not going to do that. I'd be lying if I said I miss her, and still love her.

 

My email would be short and to the point. Basically saying that I'm sorry for the outburst I had, and saying those nasty things publicly. That the reason I did is because I was so hurt at the time. Also to explain that my decision to go NC was to heal, and move on, and had nothing to do with wanting to hurt her, and that even if I stuck around to be friends, I'd have been unhappy and eventually would have had to go NC regardless.

 

Would this hurt me? Should I send something like that or just continue NC and let the guilt fade? I don't want this to set me back. I've come so far and the ledge of being over it is right there. But I also don't want to leave someone's life that way. Would it hurt her? If she read it and asked me back I'm 99% sure I'd decline.

 

Thanks for reading.

How would you feel if she didn't respond at all? Like, you're not sure if she even read it, or if she did, she just deleted it. Consider that this might be the response you get, and you're never going to know if you get that one. How's that going to sit with you?

[jamili]

Altair. Your still in that low point of NC. Right on target.

 

You need to get this out of your mind, and forget this girl. Please, take your own advice, and don't email her. Its not only the "pouring your heart out" types of emails that are bad... its ANY email. Any contact from you, at all, is bad. She dumped you. She disrespected you. She shat all over you and took your love and commitment for granted. Do you realize how pathetic and WEAK you will look in her eyes?

 

You gotta understand man. She didnt want you. She thinks you arent good enough for her, so she kicked you to the #$%&ing curb. Its been MONTHS! If you reach out and contact her, it shows she is still on your mind. She will be repulsed by this. I know you say you dont care if you reconcile or not... but thats not the point. The point now is avoiding looking like a weak, pathetic wuss who still contacts your ex, and saving your self respect.

 

Also, of you somehow do change your mind - years down the road - you might want to keep the possibility for Reconciliation open for that day. If you contact her now... even if its as simple as "you left a shoe here", you sre going to destroy chances for future timeline reconciliation! Why do that, when currently your in a pretty good spot? Leave it alone!!!

 

Further, not only is it disrespectful to you to email her, its super disrespectful to her too. You are not respecting her boundaries if you contact her. In fact, you are taking a $@#* all over them. She doesnt want to hear from you. How do i know? Because she hasnt contacted you and said "i miss talking to you and i want you back in my life".

 

STOP seeing her as this scared, useless PTSD victim, and wake the hell up dude. Shes a capable, independent thinking adult, who is completely capable of making adult decisions, like opening the lines of communication if she wanted to. She had the BALLS to dump your ass, she has the balls to reach out to you if she wants. Trust me.

 

Again, this is what you need to do Altair:

 

1. For the love of god, stop checking to see if she's spying on you. BLOCK any way of even being able to see this. If you know shes spying on you, you arent doing real NC. At this point, i feel like the both of you haven't had a single day of NC, with all the spying.

 

2. Forget this girl. Maybe take a break from the forums for a little bit and clear your head of anything relationship related. The goal isnt to just not want her back. You need to get to the point where 0% of the day involves a single shred of a thought about her- good or bad! I dont think you can say that man...

 

3. Meet another girl. Get out there. Sign up for online dating. Go on dates!!! Yes ,it will be weird. KEEP doing it. Date your freaking face off man. Do this ASAP. You need to forget this girl existed, and the quickest way to that is meeting more women!

 

4. Reread your big thread again. The thread YOU wrote so perfectly, yet have continued to undermine and doubt during this low period you are in.

 

5. NEVER, EVER contact her... for the rest of your life. Ever!!! IF she someday contacts you, then take it from there, if you want. If that never happens... well then, she never hears from you again until the end of time.

[Real36]

No, just don't do it.

[Altair0770]

Yeah I've decided not to. Maybe it's just the final curb kicking in that maybe I should apologize, and is another emotional mood swing. I pondered it, and asked friends. I agree to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

Been seeing a girl. Not in a relationship, but just hanging out a lot. She did treat me like ****, and I guess I just keep feeling bad about what happened to her.

 

I have done NC, and haven't done any spying on her. It's just the random pop-ups that happened. In direct contact on her side. I have no idea what she's up to. I really wish that person didn't tell me she got rejected because I feel that set me back and shifted my mood.

 

Other than that I have been feeling great and completing projects I've been wanting to do for ages. She's hardly been on my mind. Only times is when sexual assault is brought up, and it brings me to a state of extreme empathy.

 

That stuff really does ruin your life. But, nothing I can do about it, because I didn't do it and never would.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Altair0770]

Guys, I don't know what to do.

 

I'm a much better person than my ex. Took a lot of therapy to realize that obvious fact. I've brought many people together and made many people smile. I never gave up on her despite her illness. I never did anything wrong to her, hurt her, or lashed out.

 

I don't want to be with her. I don't want to be miserable my entire life with someone like her. She's weak, immature, and very hostile.

 

I don't love her. I don't mope around waiting for her to txt me. I don't care about her well being. I don't care about anything.

 

I've realized that the biggest loss in this relationship was the loss of myself. I gave my all to making this relationship work. She had two opportunities. 1) try to make the relationship work and 2) Treat me like garbage. She took option 2.

 

I was even a fool to come back because I felt so terrible for her, knowing how pitiful her life will end up. Chasing people that wouldn't even give her a chance, when she had someone that would have given her the world.

 

I want someone that doesn't make me feel like a child molester like she did with the way she treated me. I want someone that will smile everytime she sees me. I want someone that, when the going gets rough, doesn't get going. I want someone that I don't have to re-prove that I am a great boyfriend.

 

When she cried, I wiped away her tears. Literally. When she was scared, I made sure she didn't have anything to fear. And in that process I lost myself.

 

It isn't worth giving your all to someone that doesn't give a damn if they hurt you. That doesn't care if you fell on the floor and died, as long as they aren't the ones that caused it. And most of all it isn't worth being with someone that would even cause you to think about commiting suicide, especially when you did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

She isn't worth it for breaking my heart.

 

Yet, I somehow come back here, thinking I am to blame. Like it was my fault that I triggered her, despite knowing it wasn't. That it was my fault the relationship ended because I got too damn clingy trying to fix an issue she was focused on running from.

 

I realize I don't miss her. That I don't want her. I don't want anything to do with her. It's more so that I somehow ended with a failing result despite succeeding at doing everything a FANTASTIC boyfriend would do.

 

I'm going to write an email. Not send it. I talked to my therapist today. We're going to go over it. Knowing therapists, she's going to tell me to keep that email but never send it.

 

I just wish I was in a position to start with someone new. Anyone would be better than her. Anyone.

 

But it's hard getting over the fear of failing with someone new, because after this ordeal, I gave 100% and ended with nothing. It's hard trusting that it would be different with someone else.

[Altair0770]

I went on a long walk and now I feel great. I'm going to do that more often, and focus more on my physical health. I'm going to start putting myself out there more. Been dating a girl but don't see it as a relationship, but we can mutually have our fun. More of a FWB situation. Besides she plans on moving. Been like that for a bit actually which has made me get over this.

 

I do feel like apologizing sometimes. But I also feel like "Screw her, she hurt me far more than I did". I'm going to stick to the second attitude.

[Redhead14]

Let's see, email my ex or hit myself with a hammer . . . I'd choose the hammer

[Maldives]

I think u shld send it it'll set u free. Not as a means to get back wth her though but more so to make peace wth ureself. Id done something g similar wth an ex once lied about how great a time i was having overseas and hurt her well she dumped me but to be honest for yrs afterwards it just grated at me till finally I wrote her a postcard and mailed it to her telling her that it was all a lie and that I was still deeply in love wth her and regretted saying those things. It worked finally I let go and then went on to my now ex wife lol but wlabway it worked as long as ur intention is pure..

 

Btw I shld add this was 3 yrs after the break up I did this so I wss pretty much healed but still thought or that thing I said. Funnily enough she contacted me the minute she got my letter by phn. I decided not to return her call weird isn't it after yrs of hoping for this exact scenario I let it go and was finally free.

Edited June 13, 2017 by Goodguy05

[RustCohle]

No just no. When a woman dumps you any time you show weakness you help her realize she made the right decision. If you just say to her "OK hun enjoy your life" and then let her do her thing without even caring or contacting her a woman eventually realizes that you are somewhat different than the others. And she'll secretly want to get back to you down the road.

 

So whenever you try to send an email, a love letter, a stream of texts or other BS know that not only you are damaging your self worth but you are also putting nails in the coffin of getting back to her ever again.

 

These are fairy tales in movies. In the real world these BS do not work.

 

Also everyting about this situations is your fault. EVERYTHING. From the start. If you think being a good guy makes a woman crave you and love you, guess again.

[Sweetfish]

Guys, I don't know what to do.

 

I'm a much better person than my ex. Took a lot of therapy to realize that obvious fact. I've brought many people together and made many people smile. I never gave up on her despite her illness. I never did anything wrong to her, hurt her, or lashed out.

 

I don't want to be with her. I don't want to be miserable my entire life with someone like her. She's weak, immature, and very hostile.

 

I don't love her. I don't mope around waiting for her to txt me. I don't care about her well being. I don't care about anything.

 

I've realized that the biggest loss in this relationship was the loss of myself. I gave my all to making this relationship work. She had two opportunities. 1) try to make the relationship work and 2) Treat me like garbage. She took option 2.

 

I was even a fool to come back because I felt so terrible for her, knowing how pitiful her life will end up. Chasing people that wouldn't even give her a chance, when she had someone that would have given her the world.

 

I want someone that doesn't make me feel like a child molester like she did with the way she treated me. I want someone that will smile everytime she sees me. I want someone that, when the going gets rough, doesn't get going. I want someone that I don't have to re-prove that I am a great boyfriend.

 

When she cried, I wiped away her tears. Literally. When she was scared, I made sure she didn't have anything to fear. And in that process I lost myself.

 

It isn't worth giving your all to someone that doesn't give a damn if they hurt you. That doesn't care if you fell on the floor and died, as long as they aren't the ones that caused it. And most of all it isn't worth being with someone that would even cause you to think about commiting suicide, especially when you did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

She isn't worth it for breaking my heart.

 

Yet, I somehow come back here, thinking I am to blame. Like it was my fault that I triggered her, despite knowing it wasn't. That it was my fault the relationship ended because I got too damn clingy trying to fix an issue she was focused on running from.

 

I realize I don't miss her. That I don't want her. I don't want anything to do with her. It's more so that I somehow ended with a failing result despite succeeding at doing everything a FANTASTIC boyfriend would do.

 

I'm going to write an email. Not send it. I talked to my therapist today. We're going to go over it. Knowing therapists, she's going to tell me to keep that email but never send it.

 

I just wish I was in a position to start with someone new. Anyone would be better than her. Anyone.

 

But it's hard getting over the fear of failing with someone new, because after this ordeal, I gave 100% and ended with nothing. It's hard trusting that it would be different with someone else.

 

 

The love bombing she did in the initial relationship is screwing with your head big time..

 

The idealization.

Mirroring.

and the way she sought comfort in you.

 

Dumped huge amount of dopamine in your body.. so you have the reminisce of addiction equal to drugs or drinking. You may not want a drink...but you crave it. If that makes sense.

 

The only way you may intercept a relationship where you feel this strongly may have to come from another person with cluster B type traits as a healthy individual will not idolize or seek above normal attention IE: Wiping tears or walking on egg shells.

 

You have to come to terms that other relationship will be "normal" I've seen women who go from one abusive relationship to another as normal relationships are so foreign.

 

You need to close this chapter.. we both know there is no fix for her problem and it may fade away as she gets older... like you said 40 when her body cannot produce the chemicals or learns to finally regulate these issues.

[jamili]

The love bombing she did in the initial relationship is screwing with your head big time..

 

The idealization.

Mirroring.

and the way she sought comfort in you.

 

Dumped huge amount of dopamine in your body.. so you have the reminisce of addiction equal to drugs or drinking. You may not want a drink...but you crave it. If that makes sense.

 

As Sweetfish knows... I've been here as well... and he's 100% right.

[jamili]

No just no. When a woman dumps you any time you show weakness you help her realize she made the right decision. If you just say to her "OK hun enjoy your life" and then let her do her thing without even caring or contacting her a woman eventually realizes that you are somewhat different than the others. And she'll secretly want to get back to you down the road.

 

So whenever you try to send an email, a love letter, a stream of texts or other BS know that not only you are damaging your self worth but you are also putting nails in the coffin of getting back to her ever again.

 

These are fairy tales in movies. In the real world these BS do not work.

 

Also everyting about this situations is your fault. EVERYTHING. From the start. If you think being a good guy makes a woman crave you and love you, guess again.

 

I think this is over-generalization. Altair's ex has a lot of issues, and these issues are independent of anything he did "right" or "wrong" in the relationship. I agree with what you said about contacting her, but I don't think you can blame this on the OP. Have you read his original thread?

[magnesium]

I wrote like 15 letters to my ex, and never sent any of them.

 

I even wrote a letter to one of the guys who I used to be best friends with. I didn't send that letter either. That guy is in the same social circle as my ex, and as you can imagine, everyone in the group did not have my back. They knew she was basically cheating on me behind my back, and they didn't speak up until like 5 months later.

 

I have been hoovered by my ex, and my former male best friend...didn't respond to their pitiful attempts.

 

The only thing I regretted is that I picked the wrong social circle to interact with

 

So yea man write those letters to get things off your chest. Curse her out like a 10 year old. It's fun! She deserves it! But don't send it.

Edited June 14, 2017 by magnesium

[Altair0770]

The love bombing she did in the initial relationship is screwing with your head big time..

 

The idealization.

Mirroring.

and the way she sought comfort in you.

 

Dumped huge amount of dopamine in your body.. so you have the reminisce of addiction equal to drugs or drinking. You may not want a drink...but you crave it. If that makes sense.

 

The only way you may intercept a relationship where you feel this strongly may have to come from another person with cluster B type traits as a healthy individual will not idolize or seek above normal attention IE: Wiping tears or walking on egg shells.

 

You have to come to terms that other relationship will be "normal" I've seen women who go from one abusive relationship to another as normal relationships are so foreign.

 

You need to close this chapter.. we both know there is no fix for her problem and it may fade away as she gets older... like you said 40 when her body cannot produce the chemicals or learns to finally regulate these issues.

 

The funny thing? I was diagnosed with PTSD by my psychiatrist. Unfortunately dealing with a Cluster-B personality can be a cause of C-PTSD.

 

I had a very good therapy session the other day. I nearly broke down and cried, and I'm a 27 year old man that's seem some ****ed up ****. Not because of depression or sadness, but because I heard these word...

 

"You are an empathetic person, a rare breed. Despite how much she hurt you, you still put her as a priority because you wanted to give her the life she seeks. While many would run, you didn't give up. And your blueprint to relationships have been tarnished by bad experiences that aren't your fault. You deserve to be loved, and there's someone out there that will see that and not let go".

 

Man did my eyes get misty. I know that sounds cliche, but hearing it and knowing it to be true at this stage made me emotional.

 

The funny thing is? All these exes we have here in our life, one day we are all going to meet that one person that makes us feel like our exes decision was the best decision made in our lives. I truly believe that. My ex has tons of issues, and her breaking down to PTSD, me holding her, kissing her on the head and walking her to her car, and the look she gave me... then me coming back home thinking we were closer now that we met but instead being met with extreme devaluation and hostility has led me to be diagnosed with PTSD. It has harmed my head much more than my heart. I could be in the greatest mood, then see a little girl and start developing extreme anxiety and lose track of when and where I'm at, and my whole day gets ruined.

 

I wish I never met this woman, but yet I will always see her as the girl that broke down. A girl that is living in terror. I know she's not that. I know she's a bad person that just takes advantage of everyone surrounding her. But my image of her is forever tarnished.

[BG1]

I had a very good therapy session the other day. I nearly broke down and cried, and I'm a 27 year old man that's seem some ****ed up ****. Not because of depression or sadness, but because I heard these word...

 

"You are an empathetic person, a rare breed. Despite how much she hurt you, you still put her as a priority because you wanted to give her the life she seeks. While many would run, you didn't give up. And your blueprint to relationships have been tarnished by bad experiences that aren't your fault. You deserve to be loved, and there's someone out there that will see that and not let go".

 

Altair, I'm older than you and hearing this would have made me cry too. I'm saying this because that paragraph resonates with me at all levels.

I know my ex-had a codependency issue and I was everything for her, I let her absorb me and I was there always for her. Meaning I was losing myself in that dynamic, and in the end, I was the only one fighting for the relationship when I was in the most difficult position I've been in years.

 

The problem is that this kind of people, never have enough... or because they have low self-esteem when they get better because of the relationship (their personal work but also your support and encouragement). Let say they have a much higher self-esteem than when they started, they think they are above you and leave you.

Immature and a lack of emotional maturity are big issues in many relationships.

 

I've been doing a lot of personal work about why I was with someone who needed me so much and needed a caretaker and I'm coming to interesting conclusions. So I encourage to turn it around and look at why you wanted at that point to be with someone like that, and if it's been a trend or not.

 

In my case I have noticed I have a tendency to be with girls with absent parents and they see in me a parental figure apart from a partner.

Nurturing is different to caretaking and this is one of the most important things I've learned recently. Boundaries are keen too, there should be a point in which we need to say enough it's enough. In my case I mentioned to my ex that she should see a therapist while we still were in the relationship, she dismissed. That was a sign that she was not willing to change or at least improve.

 

And as someone was saying before, not because we are nice guys we are guarantee happiness, this is one assumption that can lead to a lot of problems. Be yourself, do the right thing but also follow what you want to do while being an integral person.

 

NC sucks, event if it's the 3rd or 4th month. I can get why you just want to have a reminiscence of what you had with her, but any interaction with her will not give you answers but a lot of questions and what ifs...

[Sweetfish]

The funny thing? I was diagnosed with PTSD by my psychiatrist. Unfortunately dealing with a Cluster-B personality can be a cause of C-PTSD.

 

I had a very good therapy session the other day. I nearly broke down and cried, and I'm a 27 year old man that's seem some ****ed up ****. Not because of depression or sadness, but because I heard these word...

 

"You are an empathetic person, a rare breed. Despite how much she hurt you, you still put her as a priority because you wanted to give her the life she seeks. While many would run, you didn't give up. And your blueprint to relationships have been tarnished by bad experiences that aren't your fault. You deserve to be loved, and there's someone out there that will see that and not let go".

 

Man did my eyes get misty. I know that sounds cliche, but hearing it and knowing it to be true at this stage made me emotional.

 

The funny thing is? All these exes we have here in our life, one day we are all going to meet that one person that makes us feel like our exes decision was the best decision made in our lives. I truly believe that. My ex has tons of issues, and her breaking down to PTSD, me holding her, kissing her on the head and walking her to her car, and the look she gave me... then me coming back home thinking we were closer now that we met but instead being met with extreme devaluation and hostility has led me to be diagnosed with PTSD. It has harmed my head much more than my heart. I could be in the greatest mood, then see a little girl and start developing extreme anxiety and lose track of when and where I'm at, and my whole day gets ruined.

 

I wish I never met this woman, but yet I will always see her as the girl that broke down. A girl that is living in terror. I know she's not that. I know she's a bad person that just takes advantage of everyone surrounding her. But my image of her is forever tarnished.

 

 

Qouted from lonewalker

 

Once upon a time there is a kid. An old man asked the kid to go into this forest and tie a red string on the tallest tree he can find. But he can only move forward in the forest and never turn back.

 

The kid went into the forest and saw many tall trees. He saw one really tall one as it out grew the rest... but thinking that there might be taller ones deeper in the forest, he didnt tie the string to the tree and walked on. he pass by many more trees and before he knew it, he was out of the forest.

 

 

Many years later, the kid grow to become a man. The old man ask the chap to go into this garden and pluck out thw most beautiful flower he can find. The same rules applies. He can only move forward and never turn back to pluck the flowers he left behind.

 

The chap went into the forest and within a few mins, he plucked out a flower that is beautiful but far from being the most extraordinary. The old man ask him why he chooses the flower so fast. The man replied

" i used to think there is better ones out there for me when i was younger... in the end i end up with nothing. So this time i want to make sure that if i ever find something i like, i will cherish it. It doesnt have to be the best as long as i find it beautiful to me"

 

This is a lesson some dumpers will learn and it may take years.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Sweetfish