SoSadAndConfused Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Found out two months ago that my husband of twenty years has been having an affair with one of his colleagues for just under a year. We started counselling together and he says he wants to try and rescue our marriage. I have made it clear to him that I have no wish to be "picked" because of the kids (we have three) if what he actually wants is to be with the OW. He has said he wants to be with me. He says he loves me. After the initial shock and pain receded we had a few weeks of what i now think was probably " make up sex", but now he has said we should not have sex. I agree with him and am not sure I want to anyway but I so very much need warmth, connection or him to grab my hand and give it a little squeeze. Once in a while these things do happen and the counsellor has assured me that finding the fun and friendship back that is still there somewhere we will slowly travel the road to recovery as long as we are both committed to go in the same direction. I am so worried that we won't make it though. I noticed a few old threads on here that tell similar stories and was wondering if someone can help make me feel less sass and worried. Please.. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Why does he not want to have sex with you now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoSadAndConfused Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 It felt right initially for both of us but now it doesn't. He feels down. I think he may be depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Aqulesco Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Im sorry you are going through this. You will find a great deal of support here. Usually Post D-day sex is amazing and referred to as hysterical bonding but each couple is different. Was the other woman married? Does her husband know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoSadAndConfused Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yes she's also married with kids. Her husband knows but I doubt he knows the full extent. She wrote me a long email asking me please not to contact him. Then she tried visiting me. In same week of finding out. I am proud to say that i could resist ripping her hair out. But only barely.... Families know each other well. Kids go to same school. I am sure you've heard it all before... many stories like this but i never thought it would happen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 My first advice would be to keep your eyes wide open. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 You need to let the OW's husband know the truth of what you know. He has that right not to be lied to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Her husband needs to know. Do it for yourself. If she isn't exposed, its very likely that the affair will continue. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 The marriage can survive. But it takes a lot and both people have to be 100% invested and do all the work and he can never ever speak to this woman again. He has to be-and show- that he is remorseful. It's hard and it's a long long process. You have to buils a whole new marriage. The hysterical bonding is normal. I'll be honest. The fact he wants to stop sex completely is concerning and I would be worried he's still in contact with her. Especially if it was an emotional involvement as well as sex and especially if they talked about a future together. Honestly, in cases like that ....they usually end up back in the affair or doing a back and forth with you. So the purpose of telling her husband EVERYTHING is to make it so she (and h) can't have any secrecy anymore. If her husband knows everything, he will come down hard on her and it seems like she wants to stay married so she is less likely to reconnect with your h. Listen. You have to do the work. He does. You can't just sweep things under the rug and get back to "normal". I'm not saying you are I'm just saying be wary of that ....it happens easily then you find yourself being cheated on again five years from now because the underlying issues never got addressed. You have to live and breathe this thing for awhile. IC, MC, watch all the videos on the affair recovery you tube channel, retreats, church, whatever. If the affair was emotional.....it's likely your husband is depressed. After the shock of being found out and the scare of almost losing his marriage wore off, he is likely missing OW. Or at least the routines they had. He likely had rituals of texting or meeting that took up his day and are now replaced with nothing. He's lost the chemical high you get from being secret. He's lost the good feeling you get when starting a new relationship. And all the attention she gave him. Hopefully he will get over that and not deal with it by contacting her. It's something to watch out for . There is hope. But please also be realistic. Don't make excuses for him or let him get away with anything . Hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoSadAndConfused Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Problem is they work together. We're all in same company. It's like an alcoholic living next to off licence. I keep bumping into her as well. He tries to keep professional distance. I know he does. I think I'll have to insist she quits. That's what her husband told her. He knows about the affair but I think perhaps not about the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 Someone has to quit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SoSadAndConfused Posted June 8, 2017 Author Share Posted June 8, 2017 Yeah I know. Not me, ideally.. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 The husband needs to know 100% the truth, and one of them needs to quit and they need to never speak again (in person or otherwise), if you have ANY hope of making your marriage work. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 He needs to find a new job, now. Then quit. No exceptions. If you can't stand seeing her every day then you need to quit too. Find a new job first but complete no contact is a must Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 I recommend that you see a lawyer to find out your rights... and let him know you are doing so. I also recommend you both got to individual therapy as well as couple therapy to help you both sort through feelings and issues which lead to this infidelity. I recommend that you both read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald. Read it and discuss it. I am really sorry you are in this place. Reconciliation is possible if you both work toward it. There will be many difficult days ahead for you... but you can make it It takes 2-5 years to truly process infidelity... and that is if there are not setbacks. One area that is going to be difficult to solve is this working place issue. He truly needs to have no contact of any kind with her. He has to be accountable for all of his actions and he has to become completely transparent with you. No secrets. He needs to answer all of your questions with complete honesty. I wish you luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 He has said he wants to be with me. He says he loves me. Talk is cheap…. Get your legal options discussed with an attorney then set your plan. Frankly, I would divorce and if he wants to R then you can give him a chance if you want. If you decide to R then tell your husband what actions he is expected to do to prove his words…Watch your husband’s actions for at least two years, I watched for 4 years, that will give you a whole lot more idea if he is really truly remorseful….Never trust words of a betrayer only trust actions for a long time! My wife never showed any interest in any other man for 4 years so I remarried her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 It felt right initially for both of us but now it doesn't. He feels down. I think he may be depressed. My heart goes out to you. It is sad and disturbing to hear about your situation and what you are going through. He may also be under the illusion to believe he is in love with the other woman. Please be aware that his primary emotional allegiance may be with her. He has possible stop having sex with you because he may be feeling a need not to cheat on the one he has his true emotional alliance with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Best case : the OW leaves or is made to leave. That could only happen if her husband gets in between. Link to post Share on other sites
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