caitlinf33 Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Hello everyone. First time posting here. I am just out of a long-term relationship and a little out of practice on the dating scene. Reactivated one of my old dating site accounts and started talking to a guy - we seemed to have a lot in common. Our first date he was slightly flirtatious but not overly. We were in contact shortly afterward and he invited me out again. Long story short, we've been out on 5 dates now. He has always done the inviting and usually nice enough to suggest something that I had mentioned on a previous date - a concert I wanted to see, a restaurant I wanted to try, etc. Here's the thing though - he NEVER initiates texts - I am always the one who has to reach out and do it. I have noticed that he ALWAYS has to have the last word when we text and I think he is doing this because he doesn't want to have initiate the next one. Oh and here's a big one - he has not made any kind of move on me. Now I am not looking to just hook up randomly but after 5 dates, I would like to know if there is any romantic interest on his part. The last time we were together, he invited me out on his boat. He excused himself several times over the course of the evening. We watched a movie during which time he had his arm around my shoulder and we sat practically on top of each other. At the end of the night he apologized and told me he had a very sick stomach and had been embarrassed to spend so much time in the bathroom. He's suggested we get together this coming week but no fixed plans. I am sick of always being the one to text. Am I reading into this too much? Do I let him come to me? Should I believe he is even interested? Or just contact him since we do get along and he is always sweet when I see him?
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Really? No takers? No ine has advice? I like this guy and don't want to blow my chances, but at same time, feel like I am not being realistic. Does the fact that he hadn't even tried to kiss me mean i've been friendzoned?
isolatedgothic Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I'm not quite sure how I would take this guy. First, I'd be unhappy that he was sick to his stomach and continued with the date, and practically sat on top of me! What if he was contagious? Ick! What would happen if you didn't initiate a text one day? Would he ever text you again? I guess I would say to keep your options open. Maybe this guy is a little too passive, and honestly, if he's this passive early on, what's going to happen if you stay together and he settles down into even more passivity? I'm curious as to how old he is, too.
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks for responding, isolatedgothic! He is a few years older than me - early 40's, never married. It's funny I thought his telling me he was sick was his way of saying "sorry I didn't try to be intimate in any way but not feeling well" which I thought was considerate. But you are absolutely right that if he was contagious, he shouldn't have been so close.... And I too wonder what would happen if I didn't text next. I guess I am feeling very insecure as I haven't dated in a while and I miss the intimacy of having a partner - I was in a long-term relationship until last year. So after a few false starts with weirdos and pervs on these sites, I was delighted to come across a nice, considerate guy who I hit it off with. We have a great time together, I just am not sure if there is any real chemistry. One of the things he had mentioned when we met was that he didn't understand people who met on sites to have sex with a random stranger and then never see each other again. That he thought sex was so much better when you knew the person, and knew what they liked. So I get that maybe he prefers to take things slow. Maybe I am just used to more aggressive men. I am not usually the one in the aggressor position and it feels off.
fred123 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 I think you hypocritical. Look at what you wrote! You said he invites u out every time. Have you ever asked him out on a date? Maybe he is thibking same as you. Why does he have to plan everything? To me it seems he is more interested and tired of chasing you. You could be saying yes to dates for the hell of it. Real interest is when someone asks someon3 for a date and plans it, not initiating texts. You show no effort whatsoever. Initiating texts is actually a lazy way to make effort. Takes 2 secs to initiate texts. Takew a lot longer to plan a date and see the other person 2
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks Fred123 - I appreciate the male perspective. I did invite him out for a date last week. Granted it was 1 day in advance - I got last minute tockets to a food festival - and he told me he'd like to but already had plans, which I can totally respect. My feeling has been that by initiating texts, I have been the pursuer and didn't want to come off too strongly. It's really interesting you see it as the opposite. I'd really like to invite him out to a place he had mentioned wanting to try for dinner this week, but worried that he just doesn't really like me. So you think I should show some initiative by doing the planning and asking?
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 A 40 year old might not like texting. While it's all the rage some people who didn't grow up with it, don't like it. I'm one of them. If I was ever single again, I could see somebody wondering & complaining because I don't text. If this guy is being thoughtful about where he takes you get over the method of communication. If he hasn't made a move, that is a bigger problem. My husband didn't kiss me until our 4th date. I was ready to dump him. Have you given signals that you are open to being kissed? Have you tried to kiss him? Have you asked him? I would at least say something before you just dumped him. He may be trying to take things slow. 1
fred123 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 Thanks Fred123 - I appreciate the male perspective. I did invite him out for a date last week. Granted it was 1 day in advance - I got last minute tockets to a food festival - and he told me he'd like to but already had plans, which I can totally respect. My feeling has been that by initiating texts, I have been the pursuer and didn't want to come off too strongly. It's really interesting you see it as the opposite. I'd really like to invite him out to a place he had mentioned wanting to try for dinner this week, but worried that he just doesn't really like me. So you think I should show some initiative by doing the planning and asking? Yh i was dating a girl and sh3 initiated 99 percent of the time. Which i reallyliked but i always asked her out for dates and she never once asked me. She was difficult to meet up for dates i tried to plan once a week. In 15 timew i asked her she only asked me for a last min lunch. Ask him out and plan dates. Shows us ur into us 1
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 D0nnivain - thanks for your reply. To be honest, I haven't dated in so long, I'm not really sure how to show someone I'd like to be kissed! I have been a bit touchy - hand on arm kind of thing - cause I am just naturally that way but I'm usually not one to make a first move unless I think someone is interested in me. I've always been kind of shy. But I definitely want to give it one last chance before moving on. Fred123 - ok, if you say so! Will suggest a next date with concrete plans and see where that goes. Thank you both for your advice. Maybe I am overthinking the texting thing.
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2017 Posted May 22, 2017 There was a thread just posted where the guy wanted to know how to go about telling women he hates texting and wants a phone call instead. Some just think texting is cold/unfeeling. And girl do a background check. Try googling his name and see what you get. IMO it's suspect when someone goes to the can a lot...that's usually an excuse to do phone time....to someone.
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 22, 2017 Author Posted May 22, 2017 Hey smackie9 thanks for the tips. Yeah, I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt. He did seem pretty under the weather, and I know for sure that he left the phone on the table a few times because it rang once while he was up and I wasn't sure if I should yell to him that he had a call. So fred123 took your advice, made a plan and invited him out. He seemed delighted by the proposition. See? That's what's great about these forums - getting unbiased feedback. I really am grateful to have had yours! So we have a date set for this week. Now I'll just have to figure out how to let him know it's okay to kiss me if he wants to!
preraph Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 I just hope he isn't slipping off because he has a serious drug addiction. Which can also incapacitate you sexually sometimes. But let's hope he has a temporary health problem preventing him from wanting to do much, and not a permanent health problem. He sounds nice otherwise. He probably doesn't really like to text. All you can do is keep going out and see if he A, tells you what's going on or B, starts advancing more. Meanwhile, just enjoy it unless it takes a turn for the worse.
greymatter Posted May 23, 2017 Posted May 23, 2017 Not liking texting has nothing to do with age, but is very individual. Ageism gets to me every time. Great job on inviting him out.
Author caitlinf33 Posted May 26, 2017 Author Posted May 26, 2017 Fellow Loveshackers, need your help... We went out on Tuesday and had a nice dinner - my planned date. Afterwards he invited me to his boat for a drink. As we are driving there, he says something about maybe going to a local bar instead of his place. I say "whatever he wants to do." In the end we end up going to his but he mumbles something about not being able to stay up late because he has an early meeting. (This is never a good sign in my book). So we head out on the deck and having a really lovely time. We have a very easy conversation, and lots of similar likes and experiences. About an hour later, when I have finished my drink, I say I am going to catch a cab. He offers to drive me the approximate 15 minutes back to my house. We get there and he wishes me a good night, I am not sure he had any intention of kissing me good night so I lean in for a quick peck on the lips. He texted me first thing yesterday morning to ask me something totally random and we've had a pretty constant stream of texts since then. I am very attracted to him. But I honestly get the feeling he is no way attracted to me romantically. We have been together alone on his boat for prolonged periods of time and he has made zero romantic movement towards me. Nor is he flirtatious. I really don't know what to do. Is it possible he is very shy? We have plans to go to a show tomorrow. How can I bring up this topic and not make a fool of myself? I would really like to know if he just considers me a friend, or thinks there could be something more. I am getting frustrated and would just like to know where I stand. Thoughts? Advice?
mightycpa Posted May 26, 2017 Posted May 26, 2017 Fellow Loveshackers, need your help... We went out on Tuesday and had a nice dinner - my planned date. Afterwards he invited me to his boat for a drink. As we are driving there, he says something about maybe going to a local bar instead of his place. I say "whatever he wants to do." In the end we end up going to his but he mumbles something about not being able to stay up late because he has an early meeting. (This is never a good sign in my book). So we head out on the deck and having a really lovely time. We have a very easy conversation, and lots of similar likes and experiences. About an hour later, when I have finished my drink, I say I am going to catch a cab. He offers to drive me the approximate 15 minutes back to my house. We get there and he wishes me a good night, I am not sure he had any intention of kissing me good night so I lean in for a quick peck on the lips. He texted me first thing yesterday morning to ask me something totally random and we've had a pretty constant stream of texts since then. I am very attracted to him. But I honestly get the feeling he is no way attracted to me romantically. We have been together alone on his boat for prolonged periods of time and he has made zero romantic movement towards me. Nor is he flirtatious. I really don't know what to do. Is it possible he is very shy? We have plans to go to a show tomorrow. How can I bring up this topic and not make a fool of myself? I would really like to know if he just considers me a friend, or thinks there could be something more. I am getting frustrated and would just like to know where I stand. Thoughts? Advice?A peck on the lips from you is more than enough encouragement to kiss you on the next date. If he doesn't, he is a good candidate for either being too timid or disinterested. Nailing down the reason isn't really that important. 1
Author caitlinf33 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Hi all, Have posted about this guy before. Long story short: we met online, really hit it off, we've known each other IRL for about 2 months now and see each other regularly. We have a great time when we go out, have a lot of shared values and a lull in the conversation is rare. It wasn't until about date number 6 that we kissed. We've been out a couple times since and there's been nothing since. I don't know how to read this guy. He asks me out all the time but there isn't much flirtation or physical closeness like you'd expect from someone you're dating. We've cuddled a bit on his couch but he hasn't made a move. And I am just too shy to be tha agressor. At this point, I assume he just wants to be friends??? I really like his company and would be interested in being more than friends. Should i try to discuss the subject with him? If so, how to introduce the topic? I feel like there have been some mixed signals along the way but not sure how to interpret his behavior and it's driving me crazy! Thanks!
mikeylo Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 He probably wants to take it slow but OTOH, if there is no flirtation or touching here and there, I'm afraid he isnt attracted to you in a romantic way.
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Have you tried kissing him? If you can't do that for whatever reason I think a statement by you about what you want -- more kissing -- is in order. Don't put him on the spot by asking Qs about what he wants. Show your own vulnerability first by expressing interest in him.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Are you flirtatious with him? You say you are shy. Could it be that you're so afraid of making the first move that you're making it challenging for him to kiss you? 1
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 (edited) Fellow Loveshackers, need your help... We went out on Tuesday and had a nice dinner - my planned date. Afterwards he invited me to his boat for a drink. As we are driving there, he says something about maybe going to a local bar instead of his place. I say "whatever he wants to do." In the end we end up going to his but he mumbles something about not being able to stay up late because he has an early meeting. (This is never a good sign in my book). So we head out on the deck and having a really lovely time. We have a very easy conversation, and lots of similar likes and experiences. About an hour later, when I have finished my drink, I say I am going to catch a cab. He offers to drive me the approximate 15 minutes back to my house. We get there and he wishes me a good night, I am not sure he had any intention of kissing me good night so I lean in for a quick peck on the lips. He texted me first thing yesterday morning to ask me something totally random and we've had a pretty constant stream of texts since then. I am very attracted to him. But I honestly get the feeling he is no way attracted to me romantically. We have been together alone on his boat for prolonged periods of time and he has made zero romantic movement towards me. Nor is he flirtatious. I really don't know what to do. Is it possible he is very shy? We have plans to go to a show tomorrow. How can I bring up this topic and not make a fool of myself? I would really like to know if he just considers me a friend, or thinks there could be something more. I am getting frustrated and would just like to know where I stand. Thoughts? Advice? Instead of torturing yourself with speculation, ask him. He will tell you and you will know and act accordingly. In everything I've read from you, you are just sitting back and waiting instead of demonstrating your interest. That can be taken as you have no romantic interest in him, too. You're feeding into this as much as he is. It took someone here asking you when are you going to plan dates and you only planned one date up to that point, but you want to complain about him not texting. He might be one of those people who do not like to text other than firming up plans and conveying information. Edited June 8, 2017 by kendahke 1
Author caitlinf33 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Thank you all for weighing in. I have to admit that his lack of forwardness has made me more shy and hesitant than usual. Probably fear of rejection. There have been so many missed opportunities where I wanted to be more forward but didn't because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. Perhaps I have sent mixed signals - I don't know anymore. It's just so confusing. Some of the things he's said lead me to believe he's interested, but his actions don't completely back that up. I have never been around such a non-aggressive male. Part of me thinks he's interested b/c if he wasn't wouldn't he just stop seeing me, stop answering my texts, stop making plans with me? But then another part of me rationalizes that he hasn't made a move because he wants this to be platonic. We did kiss and it was mutual and he told me shortly afterwards that he couldn't wait to see me again. But then we got together again, it didn't move past cuddling. At our age, this all seems rather infantile. I have never found myself in this position and having a rather hard time getting past the hurdle (of pptential rejection) I guess!
Kamille Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 In his mind, he's also risking rejection. You know there is some interest since he kissed you and keeps inviting you out. There's a good chance he'd take your advances well.
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