CowboysFan Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 So here's the situation. My girlfriend is very close to her cousin, who sadly passed away last year to cancer. They were like sisters. So now the cousin's parents are getting old, and the cousin was an only child. So my girlfriend in a few years down the road wants them to live with us. We are in our early 30s, and have been dating for 3 years. I feel terribly bad for her cousin's parents, but at same time, I enjoy my independence/privacy. We hope to be starting a family in 3-5 years, and I'm not sure I want the cousin's parents around 24/7...and then after that my girlfriend's parents will probably live with us when they get old too! Am I being reasonable or selfish? Is it worth breaking up with someone over an issue like this? Advice appreciated!
MsJayne Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 What makes your girlfriend so sure that her aunt and uncle want to live with her in the future? If they're a normal elderly couple they probably want to enjoy their independence as long as possible, and when one of them goes the other may well need proper care and may have to go into a nursing home or such at the appropriate time. Whatever, I get a bad vibe from your post, and I'm suspicious of your girlfriends reasons for wanting to play the role of daughter to them.......are they well off? Sorry to sound so cynical but I really do get a vibe from your post, almost like your girlfriend acts like Pollyanna but there's a whole lot more going on. Anyway, no, you're not being selfish, your girlfriend is - very. Wanting to live close enough to keep an eye on the aunt and uncle as they get older is normal, wanting to have them living with you is not. It would be a deal breaker for any person who values their privacy and doesn't like being dictated to by a partner. 1
LastAcorn99 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I recognize your concern; that said, I can also understand your girlfriend’s desire to care for her own. I’d suggest that you share your reservations about this arrangement upfront to your girlfriend and see how you can work around it. I wouldn’t want for you and your girlfriend to throw away a three year relationship without talking it out -- and, no, I don’t think you’re being selfish. Take care! 4
Arieswoman Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Can't you find a place nearby for them to live, so they are accessible but not "under your feet", as it where? In the UK we have housing complexes called "sheltered housing" where people have their own bungalow/apartment but have a communal lounge or recreation area. Usually they have a warden who keeps an eye on these seniors. Do you have such a facility where you are?
Author CowboysFan Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Ok, so I forgot some key details: 1) We have been dating for 3 years and are very serious/cusp of engagement 2) The Aunt and Uncle are in their early 70s...so in 3 years will be mid 70s and I guess "elderly" 3) Cultural factors involved..(They are South Asian)...so nursing home/care home is out of the question! I'm just on the fence on whether an issue like this is worth ending a relationship, ya know?
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 After my mother died, I wanted my elderly father to move in with my husband & me. DH didn't like that idea but he did say we could get a 2 family house or a house with an in-law suite or as somebody else on here put it, sheltered housing (a little cottage on the property). Could you compromise like that? Have them nearby but not necessarily underfoot. Your GF sounds like a caring individual. Breaking up with her because she's a compassionate person seems counterintuitive. The biggest problem I see with your 3-5 year plan is heard about kids but not marriage. Please note, I'm old fashioned. Moreover, if she is about to make herself a sandwich generation caregiver, for everybody's sanity & convenience, it would help to have the aunt & uncle closer. Plus mid 70s isn't that old. You will get built in babysitting & your child will get an extra set of grandparents. Sounds like a win win. All of this is of course contingent on what the aunt & uncle want. 2
kendahke Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 If you can't find a way to compromise, then you need to break up with her sooner than later. 1
Arieswoman Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 CF, 3) Cultural factors involved..(They are South Asian)...so nursing home/care home is out of the question! Why?
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 CF, Why? Multigenerational living is the norm in many Asian cultures. People respect their elders to an extent that's not the norm in Western cultures. Putting an elderly grandparent in a nursing home could practically get you kicked out of the family. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I've seen a few similar topics on here lately, and the bottom line is if you marry someone from an Asian, or Hispanic culture, you will be living with your in-laws at some point. If you can't deal with that you might need to move on. If you are willing to deal with it, there can be some positives. Live in child care? Are they going to be helping out financially? It's not what I'd want, but I know families in living situations like this, who love it. 3
Arieswoman Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 d0nnivain, Multigenerational living is the norm in many Asian cultures. People respect their elders to an extent that's not the norm in Western cultures. Putting an elderly grandparent in a nursing home could practically get you kicked out of the family. OK I get it. But isn't it also the expectation within Asian cultures that females live at home until they get married, marry within their own culture (often to a selected suitor) and don't have children outside of wedlock? It seems to me that the gf is happy breaking the "rules" when it suits her....
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Maybe but having a job or marrying outside of the culture doesn't harm anybody. Failing to take care of elderly family members who have no one else because their only child died, would be cruel. If the OP doesn't want to deal, that's on him. But he's been given a number compromise solutions that can make everybody happy. 2
smackie9 Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I live in Surrey BC the Canadian south asian capital of the world lol. It is what it is, and taking in their elders is the norm. They will be their to watch your babies while you go off to work to pay the bills. You will never have to pay child care. They pool their money together to buy bigger houses....... so don't be surprised if more come to live with you when other family members immigrate. Surely you knew this was going to happen didn't you? 3
central Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 It would be a deal breaker for me. At most, I'd be okay with them living close by, but if they need assisted living or nursing home care, then that won't work. Most families these days need both spouses working to get by. Once you have children, that's even more true. Can you afford a SAHM scenario, where she is also taking care of her relatives? You can expect that the amount of time and attention you get will be greatly diminished - are you okay with that? What role would be expected of you in taking care of them? Assuming her relatives are in good physical and financial health, having them live nearby and perhaps help with child care may be a fair tradeoff. If not, then they will be a source of friction in your relationship. BTW, will you have your parents or other relatives move in with you, too? How does your gf feel about that prospect? 1
DontBreakEven Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I've seen a few similar topics on here lately, and the bottom line is if you marry someone from an Asian, or Hispanic culture, you will be living with your in-laws at some point. If you can't deal with that you might need to move on. If you are willing to deal with it, there can be some positives. Live in child care? Are they going to be helping out financially? It's not what I'd want, but I know families in living situations like this, who love it. Yup, this happened to me when I was with an Argentine girl. It was a deal breaker. She wanted me to move 2000 miles away and quit my career to live with the parents. Um, no. Sucked.
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 I am friends with 2 Chinese ladies. Both married with families. * One of them ended up with her in-law moving in. It turned into a nightmare as parents of Asian men have little respect toward their daughter in law. My friend gave her husband an ultimatum and the in-laws moved into the upstairs apartment. They are still close enough for my friend and her husband to take care of them * The other Asian friend is married to a Canadian man so noway in hell her parents were gonna move in with them. They got them an condo next door. 75 is not old. People now remain healthy and active well into their 80s sometimes more, well at least here in Canada. 2
preraph Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Look, you have a big problem here because this is a big difference between you two and she's not going to be happy any other way because she's real into having her family around. And you're like me and are NOT. I wouldn't ever want someone else living with me like that. I mean, maybe a block away if they're good babysitters but that's as far as I'd ever go and I'm female. This should be a dealbreaker and neither of you should give in on it. I can think of one compromise, and that is if you or they are well off enough financially to move them in nearby but not right next door and have an agreement that they are NEVER to drop in on you, but that would enable your wife to go down there and take care of them and spend time IF she has time and isn't working. If she is working, they'll still be alone even if they live with you. I doubt she realizes this: that one old folks get to where they can't care for themselves, one or two people can't do it all, for the lifting alone. And you'll have babies to tend to and won't have ANY extra time to do any of this, whether she works or not. So I think she's unrealistic thinking she can take care of everyone when really, she can't do it by herself. But until they are immobile and incontinent, they can live in a little apartment they don't have to mow the lawn in and probably will be happier that way themselves. So see if you can work this out. if not, she is not the mate for you. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 75 is not old. People now remain healthy and active well into their 80s sometimes more, well at least here in Canada. And many people are sick and need to be taken care of well before that... it really varies. 2
rushed Posted June 9, 2017 Posted June 9, 2017 If this is something you are firmly against you should let her know now. That way she can decide if her aunt and uncle and mom and dad not living with you guys in a few years is a deal-breaker for her. (I'm Filipino. We take care of our elders. It's just something ingrained in us. If my mom needed to come stay with me, and my boyfriend said no, there is no question what my decision would be.) 1
barnabas17 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 I'm really glad you are on the verge of exchanging your vows in marriage; I think your vows will include becoming one and not separating till death do you part. Given the serious but, at the same time, totally awesome commitment that is made, you will definitely benefit from sitting down and having a good talk about your girlfriend's thoughts on taking care of her aunt and uncle. Have you and your girlfriend thought about talking this through with a marriage counselor, trusted friend/family member, or a wise pastor? I'm glad your girlfriend is so caring, appreciative, and loyal--these qualities may be resented but are, in reality, what you want in a wife, your life partner. But it's important that there are boundaries that can be set and clarified, whether financial, social, emotional, or geographical/logistical. So, consider pre-marital counseling in one form or another and don't throw the baby out with the bath water; they'll be many trials ahead that are meant to build your marriage, not break it.
O'Malley Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 Approach this in terms of of differing cultural attitudes, rather than either of you being right or wrong. My mother's culture has the same tradition of multi-generational living; we were raised with our grandparents, and our mom lives with my sister in a home that she turned into a duplex. They're both independent minded and aren't joined at the hip, so it works well. Have an honest discussion about your feelings and listen to her concerns - there are plenty of good compromises that you can look into (they can easily live nearby).
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2017 Posted June 13, 2017 OP has left the building....I repeat the OP has left the building. 1
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