Date says I'm expensive, tries to change me

[DragonzRoost]

My date keeps reminding me about how much he spends on me. Has made statements saying I'm expensive, when I can count all the things we've done together. He paid for the first few dates, movie and going out to eat. I have paid for things as well, drinks, deserts and splitting the bill..but it rubs me wrong that he reminds me about costs. ($500/$600) He invited me out to eat Dennys and I offered to pay last time, which he refused. When I pulled out a $20 he didn't hesitate to pocket it. We went to steak and shake to cut costs and I offered to cook at his place. My birthday is coming up and he mentioned getting me jewelry, when I asked what he would want on his he sent me a link to an expensive brand of male jewelry saying "I'm just sending you this, because I have a coupon in case you get this." I'm curious if he is acting cheap or if its just me..

 

Another thing that gets me is, he mentions me trying different clothes that are not my taste, made comments about my shade of makeup being too light offering to buy me some new makeup (I didn't ask) in exchange for paying/buying him something in the future, how I'd look better without lashes or them being too long, ect which feels like he is trying to change me. I've mentioned this to him and we have fought about it, all he says is that its just friendly suggestions.That he is not trying to change me, but give his honest opinion. I mentioned recently being on a strict budget. I refused to take to his advice and said that it is just not me, I'm not one for wearing super preppy or classy clothing. (Always sayng classy) When refusing to change, he mentioned me not knowing my new self. He makes comments about how black drowns me out and not liking a gothic look. Opinion or suggestions on how I should approach this?

Edited June 8, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[d0nnivain]

People's attitudes toward money are deeply engrained. You usually can't change them.

 

 

I would be extremely bothered by his constant harping on the costs of things. To me it shows he knows nothing about the value of anything.

 

 

The next time he mentions money I'd call him on it saying something like "why do you have to harp on money all the time?"

 

 

When he makes these suggestions about your looks, I'd ask him why he dates if he thinks you can't even dress yourself or pick out the correct shade of make-up. It all sounds like he picks on you.

[DragonzRoost]

I mentioned him harping on money and he just says "I'm just saying Starbucks is expensive, that I just like to save money if possible. I spend money on you all the time!" Whats funny is he was called out for being cheap at the mall by an employee, when he mentioned taking me to a buffet for dinner/lunch. The guy responded through a whisper "Kinda cheap of you don't ya think?" The employee then mentioned his gf getting a new job and taking him somewhere fancy for a change. I knew about this when my date seemed pissed off he leaned in and said "That guy is an *******.." proceeding to tell me what was said, he even told his Mom about it. Later asking me who looked better him or the employee, I asked why and he said "I'm just curious.." When confronting him about why he would even date me if feeling the need to change me his response was "I'm not trying to change you, I just think if something looks better or good I'll suggest it. Like your makeup just seems so light, not natural to your skin tone. You wear black a lot and if I see a top that I think looks nice I just mention it..not like you have to buy it." When at Steak and Shake he made a huge deal about getting the cashier to update the purchase for the second coupon. (Stuff like this) rubs me wrong.. I see what you are saying, there is no changing someone like this that has a firm stance on money.

Edited June 8, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[d0nnivain]

You aren't going to change his attitude. So the Q becomes can you put up with it long term? I couldn't. You may have a more generous spirit.

[mortensorchid]

I'd be bothered by this, truth be told. How long have you two been together? If it's the beginning, he should be having fun with it and not caring about how much you are spending. If it's well within the relationship, then it's alright to think about cutting costs.

 

He sounds cheap to me. This will not change.

[preraph]

He's not only cheap, but he's greedy and controlling. Not a fun guy.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Do you really like this guy? Because if it is still at the "getting to know each other stage" perhaps you should consider ending things now, before becoming more emotionally attached.

 

His behavior sounds a little controlling and uptight. I suspect it would be difficult to keep a person like that happy in a relationship, and if you are already struggling to tolerate it, imagine how self conscious and resentful you might become in six months from now.

 

It is your decision, but from an outside perspective it just doesn't sound like the makings of a happy relationship long term.

[Versacehottie]

He's not only cheap, but he's greedy and controlling. Not a fun guy.

 

Yep, eject.:sick:

[Arieswoman]

This guy is a control freak.

 

Why bother to date you if he doesn't like your style and begrudges spending money on you - it makes no sense !

 

He's got issues - move on

[TheAntiHero]

Women often say that they don't care who pays on a date but when you get them together, it's a big deal if he doesn't.

 

For people who have a house, car, bills, etc. it's not about being a cheapskate, it's about being frugal.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[coolheadal]

My date keeps reminding me about how much he spends on me. Has made statements saying I'm expensive, when I can count all the things we've done together. He paid for the first few dates, movie and going out to eat. I have paid for things as well, drinks, deserts and splitting the bill..but it rubs me wrong that he reminds me about costs. ($500/$600) He invited me out to eat Dennys and I offered to pay last time, which he refused. When I pulled out a $20 he didn't hesitate to pocket it. We went to steak and shake to cut costs and I offered to cook at his place. My birthday is coming up and he mentioned getting me jewelry, when I asked what he would want on his he sent me a link to an expensive brand of male jewelry saying "I'm just sending you this, because I have a coupon in case you get this." I'm curious if he is acting cheap or if its just me..

 

Another thing that gets me is, he mentions me trying different clothes that are not my taste, made comments about my shade of makeup being too light offering to buy me some new makeup (I didn't ask) in exchange for paying/buying him something in the future, how I'd look better without lashes or them being too long, ect which feels like he is trying to change me. I've mentioned this to him and we have fought about it, all he says is that its just friendly suggestions.That he is not trying to change me, but give his honest opinion. I mentioned recently being on a strict budget. I refused to take to his advice and said that it is just not me, I'm not one for wearing super preppy or classy clothing. (Always sayng classy) When refusing to change, he mentioned me not knowing my new self. He makes comments about how black drowns me out and not liking a gothic look. Opinion or suggestions on how I should approach this?

 

Well my child this one not for you, and you can't even begin to start to do anything with this sort of man if we could really say that for a fact. Why have you really put so much time and effort into so him? That is what your should be saying to yourself. For example you pull out a $20 and he grabs it .. So that suggest to me kind of cheap little dirty crook! That's not suppose to happen. A gentleman would say dear put your money away, I'll pay for the meal. By-the-way everything else just not so important what he's saying and doing. Because do you really want a man like him who's cheap dirty little crook and a man and most of a Psychological manipulation!!!!

 

 

Oh please tell me you have not fallen for such a guy you will never be happy with him and I can't understand why an educated woman of your social class is even considering dating such a JERK IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

 

RUN LIKE HELL GET OUT OF THIS RIGHT NOW!!

Edited June 8, 2017 by coolheadal

[IndigoNight]

The words that come to mind in regards to him; immature, cheap, controlling, petty, insecure, manipulative. I could go on, but I think I covered the major ones.

 

Unless he is meeting some sort of desperate need you have in your life, don't walk away, run. How would he respond if it was you offering "friendly suggestions" to him? Like, "Hey babe, you'd look great in skinny jeans. I will get you a pair if you buy me something I want later." Seriously, it is time to get rid of the moody man-child, and find someone who appreciates you, for YOU!

 

I think it is reasonable when a woman wants to chip in on a date, and have always believed that I should when I was still dating. Usually it went something like this: he paid for dinner, I paid for the movie, or drinks. At the very least, I insisted on leaving the tip if we went out to eat. I only dated one guy who refused, and was offended by my offering to split the cost of dates. He worked part-time, and made about a quarter of what I did. (I never had an issue paying for things I enjoy doing, even if it meant paying for him too.) So, date night usually meant he came over to my house, ate my food, and would complain if I wanted to order pizza AND pay for it. Needless to say, he didn't last very long (literally, lol).

[DragonzRoost]

First...I'm not a gold digger and its insulting to say otherwise because I've turned down every advance this guy has taken to pay. I always offer my share of the bill or to even pay it entirely out of kindness. I'm pretty sure I live a generally life with modern clothing, accessories that would not fit that description..unless goth is the new gold digging. In fact I've done my share of covering for things and have never requested anything material wise that I have not been able to provide for myself. The reasons behind it I don't agree with, so please set aside the petty labels. You do not know who I am behind these devices and this thread was to ask the opinion of what other's may see that I don't. If someone is not able to set aside insults, I ask that you go somewhere else. For those who have kindly taken the time to post on my topic, whether agreeing or not..thank you greatly for your advice! I read things with the fullest of details and take every post seriously. Again..I would never take advantage of someone's wealth or gestures to accompany my own. I agree with a lot of you on this and what has bothered me is mentioning how much they spend on me. Wanting to change my look, clothing, makeup and other things that I feel I shouldn't have to change. It does come off controlling and this I don't like..

Edited June 8, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[healing light]

I agree with the other posters: next.

 

Cheap, controlling man-child.

 

You can do better than someone who tit for tats you any time you want to let your hair down on a date. This won't change.

[DragonzRoost]

Behind everything that made him attractive in the beginning ..that has become very faint, since all of this has taken place. The inner gut feeling screams out that I'm not happy at all and it can't be ignored anymore. We layed there last weekend before I headed home discussing this. I mentioned how I didn't believe we could work out, there is always an excuse for his behavior. He doesn't seem to be offended by the word cheap and he said recently "I offered to pay for makeup, clothing, ect." I then stated that wasn't the point. I cried tonight very hard out of frustration (doesn't normally happen) I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am and the comments he makes about me changing me hurts. I invested $70 worth of groceries to cook a home made meal out of saving money for us and that is where I feel frustrated. (Too much kindness and too many chances) He says things like "Eventually you will like that classy style, I see what you should look like, wouldn't you change for me?" My inner thoughts chime in and say "Why should I? I've always looked different..I like looking victorian. If he can't accept me, what happens when that classy girl comes along?" He says things about compromising sexually, which I feel is unfair because that is how I work internally that cannot be changed.

 

The cheapness that I'm talking about is where its important for them to double check a coupon, like the extra cost is a big deal.The reminder of how much they spend one me.. The short comments they make about my ears, foundation tone being too light, how I dress too goth or not to their taste. I don't mind piercing suggestions, but draw the line with my choice of wardrobe and makeup but, its becoming one thing after another. I see controlling signs like when he pinches my arm after I've told him to stop. I had bruises all down and up my arm to which he said "I couldn't of done that..I don't pinch hard there." When I take my jacket off and see this, it angers me..this never happened before. The small signs of a controlling person shows through and I don't know if that is a cultural difference.

 

I entirely agree that things will not get better down the road given how they are now. Money seems to be their most important focus, but I think what drives me as someone educated to continue..is being 26 going on 27. How long I'll have left to find someone and whether to conceive a baby before 30. What time runs out and my chances of that are gone? I have a lot of ovarian problems and was told by my GYN that it won't get better into my mid 30s. He talks about marriage, having a family and babies, this is where I believe the stalling happens. Do I want to have an abusive partner? Certainly not..but I can't lie to myself that this is healthy anymore.

 

Its like signs are showing me that it will get a lot worse if I stay so, he said recently "I don't think we are meant to be." I reaponded with "You are entirely right, this isn't working out and I'd like to end this." They have texted me and messages several times this morning about giving them a chance, that he is sorry and all I can do is ignore it or block. Reading back on these posts keeps the reality of what is unhealthy into focus..again I thank everyone for their advice. I wouldn't be able to push myself alone in getting out if the spiral and it will be my last thread..also sorry for this being very long.

Edited June 8, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[1fish2fish]

My dear, any man would be lucky to date a woman like you with such a strong sense of her style and who she is as a person.

 

He won't change. People don't change. They only unfold and reveal who they are over time.

 

Now go be your fabulous self, and never second guess your decision.

[mikeylo]

You both have different views on how to spend money.

 

It really depends as to how he says about your makeup / dressing style etc. If he is nudging in a romantic/ naughty way, then I guess many women would do it but if he is demanding it as if annoyed the way you dress up etc, then of course, its not acceptable.

[central]

You could tell him, "I'm not expensive, you're cheap. You know the cost of everything, but not the value. Apparently, you don't see that I've paid almost as much on dates as you. And you don't see my value, only my cost. But I know a bad deal when I see it, and you're not worth my time."

[lovebirds]

Just sending you some virtual hope and courage! You'll get over this soon.

 

I'm your exact age, and am starting to feel the baby fever as well. But yes, it has to be with the right person.

[Els]

So let me get this straight...

 

You're not even really in a relationship yet (since you call him your 'date'). And within this short period of time, he's managed to criticize your makeup, your choice of clothes, requests expensive jewelry (?!) for his birthday, and keeps reminding you about "how much he's spent on you".

 

Tell me again why you're still going out with him...?

[d0nnivain]

You are 26 & want to have a baby before 30. That's no reason to stay with this guy. Why would you want HIS child & to be stuck with him forever? Would you want him to constantly find fault with the child & to tell the child to change for him, the way he's telling you to change for him? Do you have any idea how damaging that will be to a kid's self esteem?

 

 

Break up with him. Have faith that you will find somebody else.

 

 

If you want a baby that bad, do IVF. You can have a kid without a partner if you want a kid so badly. Consider adoption. There are lots of kids who need love.

[newheart]

The inner gut feeling screams out that I'm not happy at all and it can't be ignored anymore. ... I cried tonight very hard out of frustration (doesn't normally happen) I'm wanting to be accepted for who I am and the comments he makes about me changing me hurts ... I see controlling signs like when he pinches my arm after I've told him to stop. I had bruises all down and up my arm to which he said "I couldn't of done that..I don't pinch hard there." When I take my jacket off and see this, it angers me..this never happened before. The small signs of a controlling person shows through and I don't know if that is a cultural difference.

 

Oh Dragonz, this is about so much more than splitting the check ... I am so glad you have decided to get away from this. I can see this only getting more abusive as time goes on. Stay strong, block him on everything, write here as much as you need to!

[caveman621]

Sorry, but I have to pile on and agree with the others. He's not good. He pays, then complains? WTF?

 

You don't say how long you've been dating. I would think it would have to be a significant amount of time if he's even thinking about saying these things! I pay for most things I do with my GF because I want to do them and I make more money than she does. To then turn around and complain that I'm paying for everything just seems nuts.

[Gaeta]

How long I'll have left to find someone and whether to conceive a baby before 30. What time runs out and my chances of that are gone? I have a lot of ovarian problems and was told by my GYN that it won't get better into my mid 30s. He talks about marriage, having a family and babies, this is where I believe the stalling happens. Do I want to have an abusive partner? Certainly not..but I can't lie to myself that this is healthy anymore.

 

What annoys you now will drive you crazy in a year. You want to have a child with a man compatible with you, a man that elevates you not put you down at every chance. You also want a man that will be a husband an a father to your child, not someone you'll divorce in a year for incompatibility.

 

There is plenty of time for you to have children. Medical science has 50 year old women bare children nowadays. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself with this mental deadline. If you have it at 30 ok, at 32 ok and 35 is ok too. My sister-in-law had her first child at 36, my colleague is having her first one at 47. RELAX.

 

OH and dump this idiot. You want a grown man that worries about eye shadow to raise your son?

[newheart]

Agree with Gaeta and everyone else and just want to add - remember when you have a child, you create a lifelong tie to that person. You are dating someone who complains about how much he spends on dinner - have you looked at the cost of raising a child?