Ghosted and Terrified

[Kitchen]

Guys,

 

Many of you are familiar with me, I've posted quite a bit over the last 6 months.

 

Dated a girl for 5 weeks. It was an online relationship. She's in India. Ultra conservative family. We formed an amazing bond. Was ready to fly there and get engaged (they don't date much in her culture, it's straight to business).

 

Anyway out of the blue. Ghosted. We can guess what happened - they are shipping her away to get married, they threatened her if she continued conversing with me, I have no ****ing idea.

 

After a day of ignoring my calls and texts she says "Look (my name), I am in no state to talk to you right now, please leave me alone". No explanation. I told her that I swear on my mom that if she just gives an explanation I will leave her alone. No response, NOTHING.

 

I am terrified beyond belief. Literally frightened. It's like those parents who raise kids who turn out to be psychopaths, I can imagine that feeling.

 

Please help. Yes I know - NC, the whole ****ing thing. But it's not about NC which I can pull off easily. It's about being afraid for myself. What's going to happen to me? How can I trust again? Is my love life permanently ruined because of this? How the **** can you trust again after an experience like this?

 

Honestly I feel like I am going to die.

 

Last time I got heartbroken, I really liked a girl who expressed strong feelings for me, and I found out that she hooked up with another guy and did the same with him. While that was awful, at least it wasn't SCARY. You see the difference? Like I am consumed with an immense amount of fear right now.

[d0nnivain]

It's a cultural thing. Arranged marriage is apparently the norm where she is from. There is nothing you can do.

 

 

Say a prayer for her or send good thoughts that her parents are at least matching her with a good guy & she will be safe. It's all you can do.

 

 

If you insist on having OL relationships, try to have them with people in your same country

[RecentChange]

Dude.

 

I am going to try to not be condescending here. But it was FIVE WEEKS. 35 days. This is NOT the end of the world. You had never even MET her. You were infatuated with someone you corresponded with online. This is not true love. This is not the thing that life times are made of.

 

You got carried away in a fantasy. Meanwhile you have a REAL LIFE and she has a REAL LIFE. The fantasy has come to an end.

 

You need to protect yourself a bit more. Keep your feet on the ground, keep sight of reality, of REAL possibilities, and focus on people you can SEE, touch and smell – its way too easy for everything to appear perfect when you do not have the whole picture. You never knew her, you were never WITH her, you fell for a small window of what you knew of her.

 

 

How do you trust again? You DON’T give so much trust to a stranger online that you have known for a limited amount of time. Its simply not smart. Trust is given to people who earn it. To those you have developed rich, full, multifaceted relationships with…. Not chatted online with.

 

As for love again, I think you have been INFATUATED before. Love is very deep, takes a while to cultivate, and should be a two way street.

 

Why do you feel like you are going to die? I have a feeling right now you are reeling from not getting your little “highs” that you got each time she sent you a message. That you miss the attention, the head in the clouds feeling.

 

You’ll be okay kid. I think you are going to have to learn the hard way to not let your feet float off the ground so quick. Remember this, and use a little more caution next time.

[smackie9]

How to get through this? Stop making poor choices. Stay away from cultural/ religious differences and date locally...stop with this LDR stuff....nothing says stress, anxiety and heartbreak like LDR does.

[mortensorchid]

Guy listen, there are some cultural differences at work here, plus the fact that it was, as you said, an online relationship. It's just what it is. You'll be fine. Move on.

[Zahara]

It's about being afraid for myself. What's going to happen to me? How can I trust again? Is my love life permanently ruined because of this? How the **** can you trust again after an experience like this?

 

You trusted enough to get into this situation after being cheated on so you'll move on again.

 

This isn't scary. You're just overwhelmed with anxiety and shock because this has ended abruptly. This was a 5 week virtual experience that you romanticized about and unfortunately didn't work out. Realistically, it was likely not going to work. You probably knew that deep down.

 

You're going to feel discomfort but know that this is not the end of your life.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to come back down to Earth from that glass castle you built up there in the sky.

 

Online relationship aren't the same as dating. It's a virtual buddy to chat with but it cannot replace getting to know someone in person. You made a critical error confusing the two.

[jessiesgurl]

OP, you need to come back down to Earth from that glass castle you built up there in the sky.

 

Online relationship aren't the same as dating. It's a virtual buddy to chat with but it cannot replace getting to know someone in person. You made a critical error confusing the two.

 

Agree! And trust me OP you are NOT gonna die.

 

And she didn't "ghost," you can't ghost someone you've NEVER met.

 

I understand you are disappointed, I hear ya on that.

 

But for whatever reason, she didn't want to continue forward. Which is her right.

 

Learn from this and never allow yourself to become too emotionally invested in a chick you have NEVER met in real life.

 

Sorry you're hurting though, time heals.

[Kitchen]

Hi all, OP here.

 

Couple things:

1. The cultural difference is not there. I am the same religion/ethnicity as her, it's just that I am American born and raised. Regardless, she still has to listen to her parents on who to be/ not be with. Anyway the point was that we can assume something like this happened. I am fine letting her go. I am terrified however of the ghosting, the abrupt ending. It's causing my head to spin and I need some MAJOR reassurance that I will be okay.

 

2. I don't appreciate those comments that are meant to delegitamize my feelings. "It was only online and you never met", "It's only been 35 days", "It's not ghosting since you've never met". Well gee thanks, is there some sort of secret code switch that I can tell to my head and heart in order to make me stop feeling the way I do? Regardless of the circumstances, I am here looking for help, not to be criticized.

 

3. Yes, I do tend to get carried away emotionally, very easily. And I've never learned how to stop myself. People tell me not to give in so easily, not to get attached, not to fantasize, etc. Well I'd love to follow this advice, the only problem is I don't know how. How is it that when I'm in middle of an intense amazing conversation with a person, am I supposed to not feel that intensity? Do I minimize the amount of communication in a given amount of time? Do I force myself to multi-date? What do I do?

 

 

Back to the main point of this thread. If there is anyone who has been ghosted abruptly, please reach out. I am in need of reassurance. Yes it's silly that I was cheated on and yet somehow this is hurting me more while I've already forgotten about the previous one. That seems harmless to me in comparison to this.

 

One thing that these two back to back experiences have taught me that the best way to get over someone really is to get under someone else. A month ago I was still feeling only 75% of myself because of the previous gal. Then within weeks I stopped giving a **** about her. It's amazing right?

 

On to the search for the next one to sweep me off my feet. But this time I need to keep my feet on the ground, which I'm telling you I have no idea how to. I am a romantic and that's what I do.

[jessiesgurl]

Kitchen I didn't mean to offend or minimize your feelings. My apologies if I did.

 

I just think it's important to keep things in proper perspective.

 

The reality is you have never met in person and while I understand the feelings and attachment (to a certain extent), you gotta admit the way you are reacting now is a BIT over the top don't you think?

 

I mean telling us you no longer want to live?

 

This is unhealthy no matter which way we slice this.

 

And I agree you can't stop having feelings and emotions but there are productive ways to learn how to manage them so that when stuff like this happens, you don't go over the edge.

 

There are books, articles on line, all sorts of different things you can do. Even just pushing, forcing yourself to experience more of life in the real world will help you with this.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me. I am sorry you are hurting and best of look moving forward. Like I said, time heals and I speak from experience when I say that.

[Kitchen]

Kitchen I didn't mean to offend or minimize your feelings. My apologies if I did.

 

I just think it's important to keep things in proper perspective.

 

The reality is you have never met in person and while I understand the feelings and attachment (to a certain extent), you gotta admit the way you are reacting now is a BIT over the top don't you think?

 

I mean telling us you no longer want to live?

 

This is unhealthy no matter which way we slice this.

 

And I agree you can't stop having feelings and emotions but there are productive ways to learn how to manage them so that when stuff like this happens, you don't go over the edge.

 

There are books, articles on line, all sorts of different things you can do. Even just pushing, forcing yourself to experience more of life in the real world will help you with this.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me. I am sorry you are hurting and best of look moving forward. Like I said, time heals and I speak from experience when I say that.

 

It's okay. No offense taken. Yes my reaction is over the top. But that's just the way I am. I have anxiety issues. It's one of the things I want to deal with once my insurance kicks in this summer (will be seeing a therapist).

 

I have extremely intense emotions. When **** hits the fan, I react very very badly. When good things happen, I get ecstatic. No I'm not bipolar, I'm just hypersensitive. Ironically though, I tend to move on rather quickly from heartbreaks and setbacks, even though I take them really badly in the beginning. I take pride in my resilience and perseverance.

 

But I'm still a very emotional being. This does have benefits. I am so incredibly loyal to my loved ones. I've been told that the amount of love I offer in relationships is second to none. I empathize easily with people, sometimes too easily for my own good.

 

I'm a mess.

 

You say you do have experience. Would you mind sharing so I have someone to relate to? (If it's not too much trouble for you).

[basil67]

The comments you've received aren't about delegitamising your feelings. They are about giving context to your feelings. About bringing you back down to earth.

 

I remember when I first met my husband: Everything was great, I was in heaven. So my self talk acknowledged how good it was, but I constantly reminded myself that it was early days. That I didn't know him well yet. And the acknowledgement that while my feelings were strong, I should not confuse infatuation with love.

 

The things people are saying to you is basically the self talk which you should have been giving yourself during this time with her. If you know you tend to get carried away, you MUST constantly remind yourself of the facts.

 

I'm worried that you're now looking forward to the next time you're 'swept off your feet'. So, how about enjoying who you're with, but employing rational self talk to keep those feet on the ground.

[Kitchen]

The comments you've received aren't about delegitamising your feelings. They are about giving context to your feelings. About bringing you back down to earth.

 

I remember when I first met my husband: Everything was great, I was in heaven. So my self talk acknowledged how good it was, but I constantly reminded myself that it was early days. That I didn't know him well yet. And the acknowledgement that while my feelings were strong, I should not confuse infatuation with love.

 

The things people are saying to you is basically the self talk which you should have been giving yourself during this time with her. If you know you tend to get carried away, you MUST constantly remind yourself of the facts.

 

I'm worried that you're now looking forward to the next time you're 'swept off your feet'. So, how about enjoying who you're with, but employing rational self talk to keep those feet on the ground.

 

Ok, so this I appreciate. So what you're saying is that next time I am in this situation. Whenever I start fantasizing, I need to constantly remind myself that this is just the beginning and I barely know the person? Is that truly how it's done? If so, I can do that, but seems too good to be true haha.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So about the culture and "how it works over there," would it be frowned upon for her to be video chatting you? And if so, shouldn't you be more terrified for her going stealth than you are for yourself? I mean, for her safety.

[Kitchen]

So about the culture and "how it works over there," would it be frowned upon for her to be video chatting you? And if so, shouldn't you be more terrified for her going stealth than you are for yourself? I mean, for her safety.

 

She was video chatting with her parents' permission.

 

For her safety? What do you think happens over there?

[basil67]

Ok, so this I appreciate. So what you're saying is that next time I am in this situation. Whenever I start fantasizing, I need to constantly remind myself that this is just the beginning and I barely know the person? Is that truly how it's done? If so, I can do that, but seems too good to be true haha.

 

Yes. That's exactly it. Look, it's not easy to temper infatuation with logic, because the infatuation always wants to take over. But it's a start.

 

Doing this does not mean that an end won't hurt. It will still hurt terribly - but you will be less likely to be left shocked and devastated if you've been using a sense of logic too.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She was video chatting with her parents' permission.

 

For her safety? What do you think happens over there?

 

Well, I don't really know since I've never been there, but I do recall hearing it's not the safest place for women. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Delhi_gang_rape

[Kitchen]

Yes. That's exactly it. Look, it's not easy to temper infatuation with logic, because the infatuation always wants to take over. But it's a start.

 

Doing this does not mean that an end won't hurt. It will still hurt terribly - but you will be less likely to be left shocked and devastated if you've been using a sense of logic too.

 

Ok glad to know. Yes for me infatuation always takes over. Maybe I will write down with a pen and pad the logic, on a daily basis, in order to burn it into my head.

[Gaeta]

Back to the main point of this thread. If there is anyone who has been ghosted abruptly, please reach out.

 

I was ghosted after 6 months dating. We were exclusive, I had met his friends family and children, he had met mine. He even said he was in love with me and I was definitely hopelessly in love with him. One day he took a plane to visit his country and I never heard from him again. He didn't reply to my text, or my call, or my email. I imagined the worse. After a while I reached to his adult daughter to check if she had heard from him, she said yes he was even there the previous weekend. From there I knew he had ghosted me. I got an email from him about 2 months later telling me what an amazing woman I was and he was sorry for disappearing, that he was weak and I deserved better.

 

Well, I survived. I went through different phases, I was sad then mad, then depressed, mad again, sad again and it slowly faded away and I got over it. It took me a full year to stop being mad at what he had done to me.

 

Fast forward another year and now I am in a relationship with a good man, I mean a really good man and I trust him. I thought the man that ghosted me was a good man and we were meant to be together but now I have a much better man in my life that loves me better and much more.

 

You will survive this. You will be sad and mad but it will go away. Life is filled with hellos and good byes and we survive all of them. If our species was weak we would not have survived millions of years on this planet. We grow, we hurt, we survive and we move on to a better love. It's good for me, good for you as well.

[Kitchen]

Well, I don't really know since I've never been there, but I do recall hearing it's not the safest place for women. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Delhi_gang_rape

 

As I stated in my original post, I heard from her and I got a "I am in no place to talk with you, please leave me alone."

 

So I'm pretty sure she is safe.

 

Save

Edited June 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Got a report that this thread should be shut down. I only do that it extreme cases but did recommend moderation review the content so, in the meantime, I expect folks to be exemplary in their behavior. I know you will. Thanks!

[Kitchen]

I was ghosted after 6 months dating. We were exclusive, I had met his friends family and children, he had met mine. He even said he was in love with me and I was definitely hopelessly in love with him. One day he took a plane to visit his country and I never heard from him again. He didn't reply to my text, or my call, or my email. I imagined the worse. After a while I reached to his adult daughter to check if she had heard from him, she said yes he was even there the previous weekend. From there I knew he had ghosted me. I got an email from him about 2 months later telling me what an amazing woman I was and he was sorry for disappearing, that he was weak and I deserved better.

 

Well, I survived. I went through different phases, I was sad then mad, then depressed, mad again, sad again and it slowly faded away and I got over it. It took me a full year to stop being mad at what he had done to me.

 

Fast forward another year and now I am in a relationship with a good man, I mean a really good man and I trust him. I thought the man that ghosted me was a good man and we were meant to be together but now I have a much better man in my life that loves me better and much more.

 

You will survive this. You will be sad and mad but it will go away. Life is filled with hellos and good byes and we survive all of them. If our species was weak we would not have survived millions of years on this planet. We grow, we hurt, we survive and we move on to a better love. It's good for me, good for you as well.

 

Thank you so much Gaeta. You are so strong to have survived this, and it's so inspirational to me. I'm glad you found someone much better.

 

I almost cried reading this, but you also brought a smile to my face.

[selinaluv]

Technically I don't think you can say she really ghosted on you. She pretty much asked you to leave her alone at this point and she doesn't want to (or can't) talk to you to this time.

 

At this point, she pretty much broke it off. You have your answer. In reality the situation had several roadblocks to start and you need to realize this was probably for the best.

[Kitchen]

Technically I don't think you can say she really ghosted on you. She pretty much asked you to leave her alone at this point and she doesn't want to (or can't) talk to you to this time.

 

At this point, she pretty much broke it off. You have your answer. In reality the situation had several roadblocks to start and you need to realize this was probably for the best.

 

The ghosted part is her dropping it without explanation.

 

Like had she said "My parents have decided to marry me off, we can't talk anymore, leave me alone", it would have been a lot nicer. But what kind of person just cuts it off without providing any reason, just so cold heartedly?

[selinaluv]

The ghosted part is her dropping it without explanation.

 

Like had she said "My parents have decided to marry me off, we can't talk anymore, leave me alone", it would have been a lot nicer. But what kind of person just cuts it off without providing any reason, just so cold heartedly?

 

Ummm my ex husband essentially ended our 10 year marriage without any real explanation... And we had a small child. People can be cold hearted when they want to end a relationship. It makes it easier for them. It was up to me to eventually accept it and accept the fact that often we don't get that explanation that we think we need. People do it all the time.

 

But she didn't drop off, she told you essentially you can't talk anymore. Many people don't even get that courtesy. However you chose to define ghosting, it really doesn't matter.

 

Add to that the fact you both haven't met and you are essentially a stranger. You only know her by what she has chosen to tell you. Because you are a stranger to her, she has a right not to include you in her business and life.