FerbyBarker Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 {TLDR; I started dating this guy casually then we started spending a lot of time together and now I'm worried he's pulling away but not sure if I'm just being overly sensitive or what to do about it because we never seem to talk about anything like that but I really like him and want to try} I have been dating this guy for almost 3 months but we really don't communicate about the relationship or how we are feeling at all. We met on Bumble. During the first almost 6-7 weeks I was still dating other people and seeing him maybe 1-3 times a week (he lives very close by) casually, sometimes we would go out with my friends, or eat together, or watch movies/hook up/sleep over at each others places. He was initiating texts and plans around 65% of the time and made some really sweet comments like that he had planned to ask me to go on vacation with him and he had made vegan banana bread for me specifically (while I was away) that kind of took me by surprise. Also, he deleted his Bumble account about a week after meeting me, I noticed, he didn't say anything about it. At the time I was sort of torn between him (the super sweet sort of shyer guy all my friends love) and this other (really confident kind of jerk I had been seeing longer) guy, and I was going on dates with other people too. I knew at some point soon I would have to choose but I was enjoying the casualness. About 5 weeks ago though (after I got home from another long work trip) he started seeing each other A LOT, like instantly spending 4-5 nights a week together and all weekend 3 weeks in a row. Pretty much instantly I decided it was time that I stopped seeing other people, it didn't feel okay anymore. During this time he came over and cooked dinner and made drinks for me and my friends (twice!), gave me a toothbrush for his place (I reciprocated), I met some of this friends from soccer and he invited me to go watch them play, another friend of his called and knew who I was and actually refereed to me as his "girlfriend" (on the phone but we both heard), we started watching a really long show together with a deadline to finish by (haha commitment sort of?) and we stopped using protection (I know :/ it just sort of happened.. and we should have actually talked about exclusivity at this point but it just felt implied). It all felt very relationshippy (even though we never discussed it) and I started making room for him in my life and becoming pretty attached. Then things started to feel different (this was 3 weeks ago), he told me something pretty personal (which I reacted to very gently and open so I don't think this was the issue) and then right after became a bit more distant. I think he was going through a hard time - he got into cave mode, wasn't working out and was eating badly and generally didn't want to go out at all. We still saw each other probably 2 times a week but I noticed suddenly it was usually me reaching out and almost always me initiating seeing each other, so I started feeling pretty insecure about it. Also, he was never down to do anything so it was always me going to his place to hang out and watch the tv show anymore - being divorced, I have sort of refound myself socially this year and love to go out and be around a lot of people often. This past week he seems to be feeling better and out of the cave (and also I have had my mother in town visiting so have had less time to hang out anyway) but still he isn't reaching out of initiating plans as much as he used to (or as much as I do) which is honestly making me feel anxious and confused now. I don't want to reach out and set a pattern of me doing all of the work and chasing, but I don't think he even realizes I feel this way. This past weekend he did text me on Saturday night (drinking) and asked me to meet him out and said his friends had been asking "wheres your girl" - so maybe this is a confidence thing? and when we *are* together (we saw each other 3 nights last week despite my mother visiting) everything seems and feels pretty normal/good still, it's just when we aren't together that I want him to reach out more and I feel insecure. He also still always says no to anything that involves going out or being around my friends now. Yesterday we didn't communicate at all, even once. My friends say this isn't normal and he needs to doing more. I don't know if he is losing interest, or shy or getting just getting comfortable/lazy but shouldn't he WANT to talk to me if he likes me? Additional info: - I'm a 30 year old ENFP with ADHD and insecure (anxious/preoccupied) attachment, who is somewhat recently divorced so my dating experience isn't so well rounded (I have dated several guys since though so I don't consider him a rebound) so basically I don't trust my own gut feeling not to totally overact and because of that I'm very resistant and afraid to bring up any big talks/issues. I'm quite outgoing and social in general though. - He is 31 years old and kind of mysterious, introverted, sensitive and creative. Generally very different to my usual type but that makes me like him more. When I told (pretty soon after meeting) about my divorce and asked about his past all he said was "I haven't really dated anyone" :/. He doesn't seem like he is likely to start communicating or bring any of this up himself. - I feel like when we met I may have given the impression that I'm not looking for anything serious (because of my divorce and it was maybe true at the time) and so he may be hesitating because of that but now I actually feel like I am falling in love with him (I know, probably too quickly!) which I think is just making me feel crazy and more preoccupied and anxious and likely to mess this all up. - I feel 98% confident that he isn't dating anyone else (even though we haven't talked about it) - the toothbrush thing, condom thing, meeting his friends, leaving hair pins and lipgloss and stuff like that at his place all the time and it never gets moved and I have been his phone (just with him there, not snooping) and he doesn't hide anything or have any texts from girls I don't know or anything. And obviously I'm not dating anyone else now. - My love language is for sure words of affirmation (his is acts of service) and I seem to need a a lot of attention, he was never super vocal/texty I think but before when I was dating more I was getting that attention from other places so I think this is part of why it's bothering me so much.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 You are overthinking this. He had a bad week & is probably just recovering. Be supportive. Perform some act of service for him & see how things go 1
preraph Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I'm not really seeing a problem here except that you are worrying too much about everything. Don't lose sight of the fact that the dating process is to see what that person is like and whether they are a good fit with you. If you find things they do trigger you to worry too often and it's truly something they do and not just that they aren't constantly texting you, then maybe not the right fit. But I am getting the idea that you are like this with everyone because you have these issues. I don't see that he has done anything bad enough to be concerned. I don't think you've been dating long enough that a big "commitment" discussion is in order because I don't think you yet know each other well enough for that, as evidenced by the fact that you seem to not know why he does or doesn't do anything he does or doesn't do and are just twisting in the wind instead of just continuing to get to know him and see how it goes.
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 I'm not really seeing a problem here except that you are worrying too much about everything. Don't lose sight of the fact that the dating process is to see what that person is like and whether they are a good fit with you. If you find things they do trigger you to worry too often and it's truly something they do and not just that they aren't constantly texting you, then maybe not the right fit. But I am getting the idea that you are like this with everyone because you have these issues. I don't see that he has done anything bad enough to be concerned. I don't think you've been dating long enough that a big "commitment" discussion is in order because I don't think you yet know each other well enough for that, as evidenced by the fact that you seem to not know why he does or doesn't do anything he does or doesn't do and are just twisting in the wind instead of just continuing to get to know him and see how it goes. I agree, I over think it a lot and I don't know how to stop. I feel I have to talk to him though or he won't realize that I'm not totally okay and nothing will change and I/ll keep worrying all the time. How am I supposed to see him and gett to know him if I'm always waiting for him to each out and worrying if it means he isn't into me anymore?
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 You are overthinking this. He had a bad week & is probably just recovering. Be supportive. Perform some act of service for him & see how things go I'd like to think this too but it's been 3 weeks really, since he has stopped reaching out as much
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 At most you have only been seriously dating for 1.5 months. This is the honeymoon period -- a time to get to know each other. Pressing the what are we conversation in an attempt to accelerate the level of commitment / intimacy is a guaranteed way to blow this up. Your love langue may be words of affirmation but since it's not his you have to give him a chance to learn your language. Calm down & go with the flow. If you can't do that you will destroy this and every other relationship you ever try to have. If you want to talk to him, pick up the phone & arrange a date. Discuss whatever you want in an appropriate environment in person. Your friends are not helping here. 3 weeks ago he had a problem. Your relationship was barely 3 weeks old at that point. Even though you had been spending lots of quality time together you weren't the point person to deal with his issue yet. As he started to get better & come out of it you became unavailable, because your mother was in town. There is nothing wrong with your relationship. However you will destroy it if you continue to fret that there is something wrong & if you listen to your misguided friends who are telling you that he should be doing more. What the <bleep> do you want him to do? A friend of mine does what you are doing. Immediately after sleeping with some guy about a month in she gets all pissed off at the poor guy because he's not doing the same things as her sister's husband of 20+ years. Get a grip. He's still your new BF.
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) At most you have only been seriously dating for 1.5 months. This is the honeymoon period -- a time to get to know each other. Pressing the what are we conversation in an attempt to accelerate the level of commitment / intimacy is a guaranteed way to blow this up. Your love langue may be words of affirmation but since it's not his you have to give him a chance to learn your language. Calm down & go with the flow. If you can't do that you will destroy this and every other relationship you ever try to have. If you want to talk to him, pick up the phone & arrange a date. Discuss whatever you want in an appropriate environment in person. Your friends are not helping here. 3 weeks ago he had a problem. Your relationship was barely 3 weeks old at that point. Even though you had been spending lots of quality time together you weren't the point person to deal with his issue yet. As he started to get better & come out of it you became unavailable, because your mother was in town. There is nothing wrong with your relationship. However you will destroy it if you continue to fret that there is something wrong & if you listen to your misguided friends who are telling you that he should be doing more. What the <bleep> do you want him to do? A friend of mine does what you are doing. Immediately after sleeping with some guy about a month in she gets all pissed off at the poor guy because he's not doing the same things as her sister's husband of 20+ years. Get a grip. He's still your new BF. This is good advice, thank you. I'm not sure about the relationship being as new as you think though, we have been seeing each other for almost 3 months and I don't he is aware that I was still seeing other people up until a month or so ago. I also (now) don't he would be okay with that if he knew that had happened. He's not my boyfriend! We have never discussed that. We didn't talk or text even once, because he didn't reach out. Now today we had planned to see each other (on Sunday) but he hasn't reached out yet, still... so I feel like I'm just waiting (anxiously obviously). Otherwise I'm being pushy by initiating too much and pushing him away? Edited June 7, 2017 by FerbyBarker
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 If he's not official your BF yet you really need to find out if you are exclusive & you need to power down about his obligations too you. I shortened the time of your dating based on the fact that you said you were together for 3 months but you were dating other people plus him for 6-7 weeks. If 3 months equals 12 weeks. Subtract even 6 weeks so you have only really been together 6 weeks or less which is 1.5 months. In the absence of a verbal commitment to be BF/GF you have no claim on this guy. You do need to talk to him not freak out. If you have never discussed where you stand, you can't expect him to read your mind.
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 If he's not official your BF yet you really need to find out if you are exclusive & you need to power down about his obligations too you. I shortened the time of your dating based on the fact that you said you were together for 3 months but you were dating other people plus him for 6-7 weeks. If 3 months equals 12 weeks. Subtract even 6 weeks so you have only really been together 6 weeks or less which is 1.5 months. In the absence of a verbal commitment to be BF/GF you have no claim on this guy. You do need to talk to him not freak out. If you have never discussed where you stand, you can't expect him to read your mind. I'm confused of why you are telling me to ask him this stuff now (which I'm terrified to do by the way, my roomie and my friends sent me over there like 3 times last week telling me to have the conversation and I just couldn't bring myself to do it!) when you said this earlier "Pressing the what are we conversation in an attempt to accelerate the level of commitment / intimacy is a guaranteed way to blow this up. "
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I thought you already had the BF / exclusivity conversation before you had sex. That is the "standard" order. I didn't want you to press for more than that -- can you see yourself married to me? kind of thing. Why are you so terrified to talk to him? If you are comfortable enough with somebody to get naked & accept parts of his body inside yours (kissing & sex) talking should be easy. You are way less vulnerable fully clothed having a conversation At this point your anxiety is your biggest problem. Calm down & all should be better.
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 10, 2017 Author Posted June 10, 2017 I thought you already had the BF / exclusivity conversation before you had sex. That is the "standard" order. I didn't want you to press for more than that -- can you see yourself married to me? kind of thing. Why are you so terrified to talk to him? If you are comfortable enough with somebody to get naked & accept parts of his body inside yours (kissing & sex) talking should be easy. You are way less vulnerable fully clothed having a conversation At this point your anxiety is your biggest problem. Calm down & all should be better. No, I wish we had talked about exclusivity at the point (at the time I was happy to avoid talking about it because I wasn't ready to stop seeing other people and choose). I think I'm terrified to ask him because I'm afraid of rejection or messing up what we do have... and I'm getting really hot and cold signals that are hard to read from him. Like great when we are together, but then almost nothing when we are apart. He is away this weekend (out of town with some close friends, who are a couple with children) and I haven't heard from him AT ALL. Since I left this place on Thursday morning. So going on three days. I haven't reached out either, I guess just seeing if I didn't, if he would actually do anything .. he did like my Instagram photo last night so he can't be that busy. This isn't normal right? I feel like he is doing the same thing I am (waiting on me) but maybe he just isn't thinking about it at all
OpenBook Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 This isn't normal right? I feel like he is doing the same thing I am (waiting on me) but maybe he just isn't thinking about it at all Was it unusual not to hear from him for 3+ days at a time only a few short weeks ago when you were busy dating other people too? I highly doubt it. From what I can see, not much has changed about the relationship... other than your feelings intensifying toward him. You haven't discussed anything about this with him, so how is he supposed to know that your expectations have changed? One thing men are most definitely NOT are mind-readers. Also, have you heard of the Rubber Band theory in relationships? Men often (and suddenly, without warning) retreat into their man-caves... especially in the early stages of a budding romance. One explanation of why they do this, is that their feelings are overwhelming them and so they feel the need to regroup, clear their head, get their balance back, before venturing out again. Especially given that your guy is sensitive, this looks like a very plausible explanation. Your best move is to leave him alone and stay busy yourself with other things. I know it's so so hard (if not impossible) to stop focusing on him!!, but it will pay-off in spades for you later. My bet is he was initially (and wildly!) attracted to your positivity and outgoingness regardless of what he was doing - your EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE in other words. Just being YOU. That's the magic of you. Don't lose that by zooming in on him now! The rubber band will eventually "snap back" to you if you just stand your ground and keep doing your thing. 2
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Posted June 10, 2017 The mom talk: this "it just happened" "but it just felt implied" is ridiculous and reckless to say the least....talk of exclusivity and knowing the guy doesn't protect you from viruses. I don't care if he told you he was a virgin or never touched a boob or whatever....you have to go by the fact that people lie. You both should go and get tested, but for now make him put one on. You are 30 years old, you know better than that. I hope at least you got inoculated for HPV for his sake.
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Was it unusual not to hear from him for 3+ days at a time only a few short weeks ago when you were busy dating other people too? I highly doubt it. From what I can see, not much has changed about the relationship... other than your feelings intensifying toward him. You haven't discussed anything about this with him, so how is he supposed to know that your expectations have changed? One thing men are most definitely NOT are mind-readers. Also, have you heard of the Rubber Band theory in relationships? Men often (and suddenly, without warning) retreat into their man-caves... especially in the early stages of a budding romance. One explanation of why they do this, is that their feelings are overwhelming them and so they feel the need to regroup, clear their head, get their balance back, before venturing out again. Especially given that your guy is sensitive, this looks like a very plausible explanation. Your best move is to leave him alone and stay busy yourself with other things. I know it's so so hard (if not impossible) to stop focusing on him!!, but it will pay-off in spades for you later. My bet is he was initially (and wildly!) attracted to your positivity and outgoingness regardless of what he was doing - your EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE in other words. Just being YOU. That's the magic of you. Don't lose that by zooming in on him now! The rubber band will eventually "snap back" to you if you just stand your ground and keep doing your thing. Thank you so much for this! Yes you are right, emotional independence is so so important. Sadly I did talk to him about my concerns and then pull back and focus on my own life and leave him alone for a bit and not much seems to be changing, I'm wondering if it might be time to accept that we might not be the best match and move on before getting more hurt I'm going to make another post I think. I really appreciate everyone's advice on this and have learned a lot from this relationship for future dating, if nothing else.
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