when you know it was all a lie and it does sting

[fred123]

i guess this thread is just to help me write things down but also maybe a lesson i can share with everyone.

 

i met a girl a couple of years ago and we went on dates but she didnt want any commitment because her guard was up from previous hurt. Over the course of the next few months we met up sometimes but she was very difficult to date. didnt want to make plans, didnt want to spend new years with me, didnt want to walk her dog with me. just generally difficult to date. i understood she was being selfish because that is where she was at the time. But she used to message me every day non stop.

i guess in january things started to change a bit. she started to make more effort.

we spent valentines together ( 5 months of dating by then) but she still didnt come to any of my friends birthdays nor was i invited to anything she went to. we eventually got into a relationship and broke up a month later. ( total 6 months of dating).

i never met her friends or family and she never met mine even though i tried. i asked her also a couple of times for us to go on spa weekend together but she always didnt get back to me and claimed she didnt like to do coupley things cos it made her panic.

When she did say yes to being my gf i was ecstatic. i even changed my status to in a relationship with her. she got mad and told me to remove it. i asked why and she said it was because she likes to keep her dating life private and the guys from work she didnt want to know as they always take the piss out of her with boyfriends etc. she claimed she was trying to protect me.

 

i understood and respected her decision. Note in this 6 months she never once asked for a picture of me or checked me in on Facebook or posted anything about me or us on instagram. 2 weeks before the break up she told me she loved me and saw a future with me stuff.

we broke up cos she wasn't over her ex apparently.

 

anyways yesterday after a year i stalked her social media. what do i see? pics of her and her new guy on it everywhere. for everyone to see.

we didnt even have one pic. i feel she lied to me. its as if i didnt even exist haha.

 

i am surprised she has pics as i thought she didnt like to that and she has no problem flaunting him all over everywhere and taking him everywhere.

she told me she panics doing coupley things and doesn't like commitment.

 

 

it stings cos all the things she never did with me she's doing with him and i feel hurt and lied too.

do you think she has changed and suddnely likes to do all this stuff? or was it she was never into me from the start and thats why she never do theses things with me?

 

why was my own girlfriend ashamed to tell her work mates or put me on social media?

 

lol im finsihed venting haha

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to read this OP, but it sounds to me that she clearly was just going through the motions all along. This was clear right from the beginning. You realize that her rationalizations for not wanting to do weekends away with you and not wanting to show you off were (really flimsy) excuses, right? Why did you put up with this for 6 months.

 

For next time: A woman who is truly invested will love doing romantic things and showing off her love.

Edited June 7, 2017 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

The fact you said she texted nonstop tells me she was just filling a void with you and treading water until she met someone she was more interested in. I'm sorry. I hate people who do that. It's unfair and empathetic not to anticipate that you might hurt someone's feelings. It's on her, not you.

[Imajerk17]

The fact you said she texted nonstop tells me she was just filling a void with you and treading water until she met someone she was more interested in. I'm sorry. I hate people who do that. It's unfair and empathetic not to anticipate that you might hurt someone's feelings. It's on her, not you.

 

I do agree with most of this, it absolutely was wrong of her to use you (OP) as she did.

 

It does take two though, for something like this to happen. A very important thing to learn to do in dating to realize when you aren't getting the other person's investment in a relationship, and walk away.

[fred123]

I know i have to take blame also.

We broke up amicably and i was so supportive of her.

 

She was very manipulative to me when we were dating.

For example id ask her " hey next sunday lets walk your dog in the park together". She would say yh sounds good il let u know

Come sunday she never brought it up and we never went. I thought a walk in the park with her dog would be a greqt date and also cheap as she was skint over xmas.

The next day my friend messaged me and i went to wqlk her brand new puppy. It was fun. ( i dont have a dog but have always loved to walk a dog). The girl i was seeing asked me what im doing and she was unhappy. She even said " insert dogs name is upset cos i walked another dog".

She made m3 feel bad. I did want to walk her dog together in park. Funny enough 3 months after that we still never walked her dog.

She made m3 feel bad. Why wom3n make u feel bad when you just try your best with th3m?

[smackie9]

You know, if she was hard to date, didn't really want to be around you....that was your cue to ditch and run. Stop wasting your time on lukewarm interest.

[fred123]

Smackie- very hard when she kept saying she did like and had good answers to why she didnt want to do stuff. She said that i was putting pressure on our dating situation. I didnt want to do that. I felt trapped

[ChatroomHero]

I went through this with my ex-fiancée a while ago. Seriously, it came down to her wanting something from you and not wanting you as a romantic partner.

 

 

Either you offered her validation, money, a cure for boredom or a shoulder to cry on, she just wanted something from you and had to feign romantic interest to get it.

 

 

I realized this when I realized we would be somewhere and she would take 100 pictures of everyone and with everyone. On my birthday, someone said let me get a picture of you two and I saw her clearly hesitate. I mean on fb her face was on there 800 times in selfies and another 800 pictures of her with friends, yet she did not have one picture of me.

 

 

Oddly she still had pictures of her ex on her fb all over. With me, she needed money to live and support her kids, needed a car and a place to stay with free cable, water, electric and gas. She needed to credit card to use to spend indiscriminately on food and toys etc. for her and her kids. She wanted the good life with me but a love life with her ass-poor ex.

 

 

I'll be honest, any sting disappeared and became motivation to get rid of her and forget about her right about the time I realized she must have resented and disliked me so much, she didn't want to be seen with me and was apparently either ashamed to be seen in a picture with me or else didn't want to upset the guy she was screwing while basically stealing my money. The sting goes away awfully fast when you realize she was making a fool of you.

[preraph]

I know i have to take blame also.

We broke up amicably and i was so supportive of her.

 

She was very manipulative to me when we were dating.

For example id ask her " hey next sunday lets walk your dog in the park together". She would say yh sounds good il let u know

Come sunday she never brought it up and we never went. I thought a walk in the park with her dog would be a greqt date and also cheap as she was skint over xmas.

The next day my friend messaged me and i went to wqlk her brand new puppy. It was fun. ( i dont have a dog but have always loved to walk a dog). The girl i was seeing asked me what im doing and she was unhappy. She even said " insert dogs name is upset cos i walked another dog".

She made m3 feel bad. I did want to walk her dog together in park. Funny enough 3 months after that we still never walked her dog.

She made m3 feel bad. Why wom3n make u feel bad when you just try your best with th3m?

 

Yeah, she's gaslighting. She blows something off and then finds a way to make you the bad guy. But hey, the good news is you just need to go rescue a dog and you'll meet lots of women walking your dog, plus they're great company on the cold nights and not nearly as fickle as humans.

[fred123]

I went through this with my ex-fiancée a while ago. Seriously, it came down to her wanting something from you and not wanting you as a romantic partner.

 

 

Either you offered her validation, money, a cure for boredom or a shoulder to cry on, she just wanted something from you and had to feign romantic interest to get it.

 

 

I realized this when I realized we would be somewhere and she would take 100 pictures of everyone and with everyone. On my birthday, someone said let me get a picture of you two and I saw her clearly hesitate. I mean on fb her face was on there 800 times in selfies and another 800 pictures of her with friends, yet she did not have one picture of me.

 

 

Oddly she still had pictures of her ex on her fb all over. With me, she needed money to live and support her kids, needed a car and a place to stay with free cable, water, electric and gas. She needed to credit card to use to spend indiscriminately on food and toys etc. for her and her kids. She wanted the good life with me but a love life with her ass-poor ex.

 

 

I'll be honest, any sting disappeared and became motivation to get rid of her and forget about her right about the time I realized she must have resented and disliked me so much, she didn't want to be seen with me and was apparently either ashamed to be seen in a picture with me or else didn't want to upset the guy she was screwing while basically stealing my money. The sting goes away awfully fast when you realize she was making a fool of you.

 

Im so sorry to hear this. Did u not notice she never wanted a pic with you?

Also she said yes to marrying you?

[fred123]

Sorry bump. Just wanted more opinions or more peoples experiences

[elaine567]

Forget about why she did this and why is she doing all those things with the new guy... what you need to take away from this is - Why did you put up with it for two years? Why did you stick in there when all she apparently ever did was push you away?

YOU need to understand why you didn't tell her to get lost the first week.

 

Don't ever do this again, if a woman makes it plain she does not want to date you or spend time with you or your friends or family, if she doesn't want to go on holiday with you, if she doesn't want to be seen out in public with you or she hates doing "coupley things", for whatever reason she may come up with, walk away and don't look back.

Dating is supposed to be easy and fun, nothing easy or fun here.

[mightycpa]

Fred, you weren't lied to. Her answers weren't even close to good. You just decided to accept her 5#1TTy behavior instead of showing her the door.

 

Bottom line, I'm not sure what she used you for. Company? Comfort? A meal or two? Being with someone you're ashamed of sounds like a high price to pay for that.

 

Anyway, lesson learned, right? Any girl who isn't happy to let the world know she's with you simply isn't worth your time, no matter how great she seems otherwise. That is ALWAYS a problem, and there's no excuse in the world.

[fred123]

Forget about why she did this and why is she doing all those things with the new guy... what you need to take away from this is - Why did you put up with it for two years? Why did you stick in there when all she apparently ever did was push you away?

YOU need to understand why you didn't tell her to get lost the first week.

 

Don't ever do this again, if a woman makes it plain she does not want to date you or spend time with you or your friends or family, if she doesn't want to go on holiday with you, if she doesn't want to be seen out in public with you or she hates doing "coupley things", for whatever reason she may come up with, walk away and don't look back.

Dating is supposed to be easy and fun, nothing easy or fun here.

 

Sorry u may misunderstood. We were only going out 6 months ( official bf/gf for a month) . This happened 2 years ago.

She didnt make it plain that she didnt wwnt to date me. She wanted to dste me but not commit. I just wanted to do nice things together etc. How does one recognise at the time this?

Come one no girl is gonna say " i dont wanna be seen in public with you" .

[jessiesgurl]

Read all the posts and here’s my take FWIW.

 

She told you early on she neither wants nor likes ‘commitment’. Her actions also reflected that to be true.

 

However, instead of appropriately backing off as you should have, you kept pushing forward accepting her scraps, excuses and frankly, a whole bunch of BS.

 

This resulted in her feeling “pressured” which she also admitted to you.

 

But again you kept pushing forward. Which may (and probably did) cause her to lose some respect for you, which is NEVER a good thing.

 

fred, when women tell you they have 'commitment' issues and/or feel 'pressured,' you pay attention, heed the warning and back off. Otherwise what happened with this girl will continue to happen. Same advice for women when men tell them this.

 

They will feel boxed in, suffocated and pressured which kills attraction. And want to run away from you. Just like this girl did.

 

With this new guy, if I had to take a wild guess, he understands her issues and knows when to back off giving her LOTS of space. Perhaps HE needs lots of space himself.

 

Because of this their dynamic is different from the type of RL you had with her. With him, she feels no pressure at all, which gives her the opportunity to miss him and want him. Feelings she never felt with you because you were always on her, pushing for more that she was neither desirous nor even capable of giving (you).

 

I am not saying how she treated you was right, it’s wasn’t. It was BS and imo she used you and behaved atrociously.

 

But you need to bear a good portion of the responsibility too imo.

 

I am sorry, I know it hurts. It wasn't all a waste though, you can use this experience as an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve so your future RLs will be healthier, more balanced and rewarding.

 

Best of luck moving FORWARD!

Edited June 9, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[Fishforbreakfast]

Hi there,

Unforntunatly reading this I can relate. With my ex before last I really thought I did want no commitment and didn't want it to be serious, I just thought that's how I was in relationships, he always told me he loved me and j could never say it back and I thought maybe I'm just incapable of romantic love, I also could never be really physicall (besides sex) and thought that was just something about me. Then I met someone a while after we broke up and I was a different person (not intentionally) I didn't know it was in me, i had to be with him all the time always holding hands and madly in love and he was less of a great person then my ex something about him just triggered something in me. None of it was intentional, so maybe this is also similiar with your ex, maybe her intentions were good but something just wasn't there for her. It sucks though having to see that stuff on Facebook. When you do meet the right girl you will know and you will both be equally into each other and it will be amazing!!!

[fred123]

Read all the posts and here’s my take FWIW.

 

She told you early on she neither wants nor likes ‘commitment’. Her actions also reflected that to be true.

 

However, instead of appropriately backing off as you should have, you kept pushing forward accepting her scraps, excuses and frankly, a whole bunch of BS.

 

This resulted in her feeling “pressured” which she also admitted to you.

 

But again you kept pushing forward. Which may (and probably did) cause her to lose some respect for you, which is NEVER a good thing.

 

fred, when women tell you they have 'commitment' issues and/or feel 'pressured,' you pay attention, heed the warning and back off. Otherwise what happened with this girl will continue to happen. Same advice for women when men tell them this.

 

They will feel boxed in, suffocated and pressured which kills attraction. And want to run away from you. Just like this girl did.

 

With this new guy, if I had to take a wild guess, he understands her issues and knows when to back off giving her LOTS of space. Perhaps HE needs lots of space himself.

 

Because of this their dynamic is different from the type of RL you had with her. With him, she feels no pressure at all, which gives her the opportunity to miss him and want him. Feelings she never felt with you because you were always on her, pushing for more that she was neither desirous nor even capable of giving (you).

 

I am not saying how she treated you was right, it’s wasn’t. It was BS and imo she used you and behaved atrociously.

 

But you need to bear a good portion of the responsibility too imo.

 

I am sorry, I know it hurts. It wasn't all a waste though, you can use this experience as an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve so your future RLs will be healthier, more balanced and rewarding.

 

Best of luck moving FORWARD!

 

 

Hey thanx for response. Yh i agree im always laerning and i do make mistakes. But how does one back off when a girl.says they feel.pressured etc?

Is it pressuring if i try to see them once a week?

Also i did try back off and when i didnt talk to her for a couple of days she would get mad. She would message 100 times a day and initiate and get pissed if i didnt text back. Even when i had another date she was pissed off. I tried to back away but maybe i dont know how to or what that means?

[jessiesgurl]

 

But how does one back off when a girl.says they feel.pressured etc?

Is it pressuring if i try to see them once a week?

 

Again jmo, but when a girl tells you she has commitment issues, feels pressured, and doing 'coupley' things make her panic, your best approach at least initially is to not try to see her at all, let her come to you. That is if you think she's worth it.

 

With this girl, not sure why you would think she's worth it, she treated you atrociously, pretty much from the get go. Read your own first post again for more clarity if you have to.

 

Not only that but after she announces she doesn't want 'commitment' and feels 'pressured,' and you appropriately back off (don't text, call or try to see her for awhile), she proceeds to get mad at you and texts you 100 times???

 

What is that? Nevermind commitment issues, she just sounds seriously messed up in the head!

 

You can't win with people like this, I hope you realize this now.

 

Best to just walk away the sooner the better. Otherwise, they will mess you up, just like this girl did.

 

Next time, DON'T allow this in your life no matter how hot she, attracted you are, lonely or whatever.

 

Just say no.

 

Learn from it and going forward heed warnings and make better/wiser choices for yourself.

 

You'll be much happier in the long run.

Edited June 10, 2017 by jessiesgurl

[fred123]

Again jmo, but when a girl tells you she has commitment issues, feels pressured, and doing 'coupley' things make her panic, your best approach at least initially is to not try to see her at all, let her come to you. That is if you think she's worth it.

 

With this girl, not sure why you would think she's worth it, she treated you atrociously, pretty much from the get go. Read your own first post again for more clarity if you have to.

 

Not only that but after she announces she doesn't want 'commitment' and feels 'pressured,' and you appropriately back off (don't text, call or try to see her for awhile), she proceeds to get mad at you and texts you 100 times???

 

What is that? Nevermind commitment issues, she just sounds seriously messed up in the head!

 

You can't win with people like this, I hope you realize this now.

 

Best to just walk away the sooner the better. Otherwise, they will mess you up, just like this girl did.

 

Next time, DON'T allow this in your life no matter how hot she, attracted you are, lonely or whatever.

 

Just say no.

 

Learn from it and going forward heed warnings and make better/wiser choices for yourself.

 

You'll be much happier in the long run.

 

Hey thank you for your response.

I guess im just jealous. I want to be like her new guy. I want her to treat me like she is her new guy.

Is it wrong for me to have 3xpected to be invited to stuff and have a picture of us together when she was my girlfri3nd? Arent i allowed to have a picture with my own girlfriend?

Its strange she never once took her phone out to say hey lets get a pic together. But shes done it like 20 times with this guy. I even waited 6 months to finally be her girlfri3nd thinking i would then be invited to weddings and stuff and this new guy in a month gets pictures and invites but i waited 6 months and got nothing.

She told me she doesnt do any of this stuff until she is official bf and gf because she wants to make sure it lasts thats why she took 5 months to say yes to being my girlfri3nd! So when this happened i thought finally we will be able to do coupley stuff and she would be more comfortable. But what happened to her reasons with this new guy? Feels like she has done the opposite and contradict herself.

 

I made a list of things that maybe i need to change .

1) thinking about plastic surgery

2)get to gym because im not strong enough

3) i dont have a proper cool job. Im a science geek

4) im too intelligent and maybe need to be more funnier an get banter.

5) become like a lad because im a nice guy

 

Any tips would be greatful

[todreaminblue]

in my opinion when you do say yes to being a gf or bf is the time you make it known .......to your family and friends and yes it means changing status on social media...she wasnt really your gf....only when it suited her to be....if her work mates didnt respect you or showed disrespect or ribbed you or put strain on your relationship she should be able to say stop......and if they dont stop....they arent friends

 

im sorry that you were in this situation and none of what you wrote that she did showed any sort of commitment...or actually being or wanting to be your gf....being a gf means you want to have the romance and the dog walking and a thoughtful bf who knows you are skint after xmas and show that love and thoughtfulness right back......

 

 

being a gf means getting excited about spa weekends and dates and showing everyone on social media male or female that you have a wonderful guy and you care enough to show it..its knowing each others families and friends and accepting them as well.........

 

secret gf bf stuff...doesnt bode well...i have to ask why would a woman in love want to ?

 

next time look out for the woman who is happy to just be with you spend time with you ...who is excited to see you...makes plans....calls you more than texts.......who makes definite plans confirms plans and shows you often small acts of caring and love........a woman who will always want you to feel good and always secure in a relationship with her...not bad and insecure........and i wish you well.....you will find the woman for you..now you know what feels wrong for you ...do some healing.......and then find the woman who feels right...for you...good luck..............deb

[fred123]

in my opinion when you do say yes to being a gf or bf is the time you make it known .......to your family and friends and yes it means changing status on social media...she wasnt really your gf....only when it suited her to be....if her work mates didnt respect you or showed disrespect or ribbed you or put strain on your relationship she should be able to say stop......and if they dont stop....they arent friends

 

im sorry that you were in this situation and none of what you wrote that she did showed any sort of commitment...or actually being or wanting to be your gf....being a gf means you want to have the romance and the dog walking and a thoughtful bf who knows you are skint after xmas and show that love and thoughtfulness right back......

 

 

being a gf means getting excited about spa weekends and dates and showing everyone on social media male or female that you have a wonderful guy and you care enough to show it..its knowing each others families and friends and accepting them as well.........

 

secret gf bf stuff...doesnt bode well...i have to ask why would a woman in love want to ?

 

next time look out for the woman who is happy to just be with you spend time with you ...who is excited to see you...makes plans....calls you more than texts.......who makes definite plans confirms plans and shows you often small acts of caring and love........a woman who will always want you to feel good and always secure in a relationship with her...not bad and insecure........and i wish you well.....you will find the woman for you..now you know what feels wrong for you ...do some healing.......and then find the woman who feels right...for you...good luck..............deb

 

thank you deb for your response.

 

i wasn't her boyfriend when i asked her to go to spa weekend or when asked her to walk the dog. it was just date ideas before we were official bf and gf. was it wrong for me ask these things until i was her bf? when is the right time to do these things? what dates can a guy do to show he is not committed to a girl? thats what i want to know. i have so much to learn. maybe asking a girl I'm seeing for a spa weekend or to walk her dog is too committed sort of thing i dont know