How do I [22/f] go about telling her [23/f] that I won't be her back up choice?

[JQC1]

I dated this girl for almost 3 years and she broke up with me because she was moving away and she wanted to date around. For the second rotation of her job, she moved back about 30 mins away from me so after about 7 months of NC, I decided to contact her just to catch up (I know, bad move on my part). We start hanging out again and basically acting like a couple. We got into a huge fight a couple of weeks ago in which the conversation of becoming exclusive happened. She said that her knowing that I was with other people hurts her and that she still loves me a lot but she didn't want to bring it up earlier because she wanted to keep hanging out with me. I'm also moving away for my job in July, and she said that she didn't want me to stop talking to her like I did when I went NC after we broke up (which I needed to do for myself). Anyway, I said that if we weren't together, I couldn't talk to her because I'd need time to get over her after spending time with her again. She was upset over this and couldn't understand why we couldn't be friends. She said that she thinks we could get used to us seeing other people eventually but I disagreed with that, because I don't think I'd be able to handle that while still staying friends with her. This fight passed and we went back to being normal. I figured that we could just both make the best of the time we have together before I leave because I know she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

 

 

More recently, we had this talk again. She again said, "why can't we just keep doing what we're doing? I can come visit you and stuff" and I responded by saying, "what happens when you get a boyfriend or into another relationship?" and she says that then we would stop. After thinking more about her response over the past day or so, I've been thinking that I'm basically her safe choice until something better comes along and I refuse to be that person for her. I know her parents are extremely against us being together as well and are just against the fact that their daughter has been with another woman, so that might be a factor in her not wanting a relationship with me.

 

 

I will be seeing her tonight and feel like I need to talk to her about this and tell her that I'm either her first choice or nothing. She doesn't like the fact that its an ultimatum but I feel like that's what's appropriate as I don't want to get hurt later on. How do I bring this conversation up? I don't want to start a fight and I want to be understanding of her wants and needs.

[d0nnivain]

Just be clear in your desires & what you will & won't accept. To avoid the fight, don't raise your voice. The louder she gets the softer you get. Seriously, whisper.

[JQC1]

I spoke to her last night and she said that she didn't mean to make it sound like she was waiting for something better to come or that I was a backup and that she is very much a one person at a time girl, which is why she hasn't been seeing anyone else since me and her have been intimate. She said she has a hard time seeing a future with me because of her family- they are very catholic. She said all her grandparents are still very well alive and feels like if she were to be with a girl for the long term, it would be like she was disowning her family (or the other way around?).

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she's struggling with her sexuality If her parents are against this, their narrow mindedness makes the whole thing worse. Go find Pope Francis' open minded teachings. He's embracing same sex relationships. Find a sympathetic priest in your area. Hopefully that person can help her parents be more accepting. Then she won't feel so torn.