Didn't appreciate my girlfriend and she is not sure about relationship

[antonios]

I'm (male 27) in the relationship with my girlfriend (female 20) for 1.5 year. Since the first moment we fell for each other, to be honest she was much more into me since the beginning - I believe the age difference was a case at some point.

 

She was the type of "clingy" girl what surprised me a bit, because I thought there aren't girls like that ( I was wrong ). But her whole involvement and behavior were so sweet that I couldn't resist meeting with her and spending time, the bad thing was that I treated it much more casual than her, but eventually we went into relationship, I was afraid to commit, since I felt terrible after my first relationship where I was dumped, in short I was afraid to show her my affection.

 

Now, for most of the time she invested much more, buying gifts, remembering about me all the time and generally being the best girl I've ever met. It's not like I didn't show her that I love her, there were many situation where I showed my involvement.

 

Unfortunately, there were some occasions or words spoken impulsively that led her to think that I don't care for her too much and generally my much lower investment than hers. To be honest, she warned me, that she will burnout eventually if I won't do something. Sadly, I didn't listen and now after all that time she "burn out" as she said.

 

This situation is lasting the third week now. We met and talk a lot about that, she felt push/pulled by me many times, where she mentioned that one day I show my affection, other day I treat her like she doesn't exist, that I disappointed her and she no longer thinks about me that much of writing to me.

Almost all her answers to my questions regarding relationship were I don't know I want to be with you. I realized how stupid I was and I simply treated her poorly ( in my first relationship at her age I was almost exactly the same as her regarding involvement, but I became cold after first breakup).

 

Since that time, I'm trying to fix things by showing her that I love her, but she is confused, she doesn't know if she wants to be with me, she is not angry that much, but afraid to involve again. Also, she became cold and distant.

 

We met last Sunday and she said it might be better to end the relationship, because it will take a lot of time rebuild her trust and she doesn't have too much time, because of work ( she changed her job time ) and she is still not sure what to do.

 

She also said, she doesn't want to lose me, because we are so "fluent" at talking. She also mentioned that it might be better to say friends, but is not sure yet.

 

I wasn't trying to be too much clingy and give her space, but I'm not sure what to do at this point...

 

I really love her and I'm ready to work on my behaviour to be a better partner/boyfriend and to make us both happy.

 

I think since our last talk she calmed down a bit and care a little more, she send me a message that she hopes my day was good.

 

Should I be persistent in showing that I care for her but do not push her too much ? We might meet again tommorow, so I planned to take her for a walk and drink something to build new memories and try to make her forget about my lack of investment.

 

On the other hand I feel like she keeps me in limbo, but she mentioned on last meet up that she tried to give a chance for last two weeks to see my involvment, but it didn't make her feel the same.

Edited June 7, 2017 by antonios

[d0nnivain]

She was 18 when you started dating her & you were the dashing older man. She was in love with love.

 

 

You acted callously & now that is biting you in the butt.

 

 

If you have any hope of saving this some grand gestures are in order:

 

 

First send her flowers telling her you love her & you want to make her as happy as she makes you.

 

 

Send flirty texts periodically but not daily.

 

 

Send her a snail mail love letter or card every so often (at least 2x per year)

 

 

Plan romantic dates -- candlelight & dancing, star gazing, sunsets etc.

 

 

You really have to up your romance game here & if you won't or you can't keep that up long term (I'm talking at least one very romantic date every month), then let her go.

[antonios]

She was 18 when you started dating her & you were the dashing older man. She was in love with love.

 

 

You acted callously & now that is biting you in the butt.

 

 

If you have any hope of saving this some grand gestures are in order:

 

 

First send her flowers telling her you love her & you want to make her as happy as she makes you.

 

 

Send flirty texts periodically but not daily.

 

 

Send her a snail mail love letter or card every so often (at least 2x per year)

 

 

Plan romantic dates -- candlelight & dancing, star gazing, sunsets etc.

 

 

You really have to up your romance game here & if you won't or you can't keep that up long term (I'm talking at least one very romantic date every month), then let her go.

 

I didn't write it, but after this "situation" was discovered I've almost immediately made a pizza in the shape of heart for her and wrote a letter and poem... I was a bit desperate when the thought of not seeing her anymore reached my head and how dumb I was.

 

In the beginning she thought that I have flowers, so she said "Flowers won't solve that problem".

 

I'm so afraid that I'll lose her... The biggest problem is that she is afraid to trust me again.

 

I guess I'm thinking too much about that, but her lack of involvement (yes, deserved) is killing me.

 

Thank you for your contribution.

[d0nnivain]

She may also be done.

 

 

When I was younger (her age) I dated older men (your age). Problem was we started out on the same page but I kept growing, maturing & getting better educated. They stayed the same because they were already adults when we started. As I surpassed them, it wasn't fun for me anymore.

[Miss Peach]

I can relate to your GF even though I'm older. When I give warnings to guys that something needs to change it usually seems to fall on deaf ears and then they are really surprised when I want out.

 

I agree that extra work and gestures are beneficial because she's looking to see that you step up. But she's right that flowers won't fix anything. You have to really listen to what's bothering her and fix those things in your actions. Make it clear you took what she said to heart and the changes you are making and intending to keep.

 

My current BF has done this and it's the only reason I didn't leave but I still don't trust him completely. It will take some time. My ex BF couldn't see to figure out this step which is why I broke up with him in the end after a stupid fight he initiated.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she felt you were not as committed as her. She tried to get you to commit and show how much you cared but you didn't make it a priority. You are now in the situation of having to 'prove' your love, with an unknown chance of success. This is not a nice position to be in. Her feelings may have changed for good.

 

I guess at this point you need to decide whether to throw your efforts towards her or totally give up. If you do decide to try to make it work, it will be better if you demonstrate your commitment and affection but maintain your self-respect. All-out crawling will not gain her interest again. She probably won't trust it. I think you need to communicate that you realise what you have done and you want to change things but that you both need to move forward without recriminations if this is to work. Then show her how you intend to change things. If she still does not accept this, do not offer more and more, but explore what is holding her back. Tell her you understand her lack of trust and want to make it work. Let her know she needs to be willing too.

 

I think if you treat her with love and respect, you will have the best chance. If she is still undecided some weeks later, then maybe she has moved on mentally and you are wasting your time. Good luck!

[antonios]

Thanks for your answers, they gave me a little hope.

 

Just wanted to give an update and maybe get an additional insight of this situation...

 

Yesterday we met, but it felt much more "forced" by me, since she told me to write her in the morning, because she wasn't sure how her day will be like.

 

She ignored my question in the second text message about meeting up, so I waited a few hours and asked her again, she was at her work place for one hour because of some meeting, then when she wrote back "I'm a bit tired", I made a flirty joke of this and told her we will make a short car trip, she said that "I'm really tired, but do whatever you want".

 

So, I made a small backpack for us, two beers, sandwich for her and some other things that she like. When we meet up I was all the time positive, funny and simply, felt good.

 

I didn't feel that she was too much happy to see me, but after some time she "opened up", so we talked and spend time pretty good, in the end we went on the pizza where we ate too much and couldn't move , there was a lot of laugh and good atmosphere.

 

If you would ask me, it was a good date. Sadly, she didn't write to me anything, if I safely got back to home or something similar, which she always wrote. Also, today she wrote nothing, so I'm waiting and hoping to get that one text message...

 

One thing that I noticed during meeting was that she was constantly checking her phone, like waiting for some message, I know that she has frequent contact with her sister, but my brain immediately started translate it to some other guy... She mentioned her colleague from workplace occasionally, that he accompanied her a few times on her way back to home, also she mentioned him during our talk, that he treats girls good in comparison to me, even when he just hooks up with them casually. Anyway, I trust her and cannot imagine her cheating, especially in this situation.

 

I realize that rebuilding trust takes time, but when I see no progress, even after great time together, I'm doubtful about our future together...

 

I don't know, if internally she expects me to show my love to her ( her behavior show opposite ), but I don't want to be clingy or crawl like you mentioned.

 

Is there anything or something that I could change to help this ? Beside mentioned things, I'm still thinking about my behaviour and I want to eliminate negative things that I did. I'm really patient and calm, we didn't have any fights or something, so I believe that is a good thing at least...

Edited June 9, 2017 by antonios

[elaine567]

I could be wrong but I guess the ship has sailed.

 

It is all too late, she has ended the relationship with you and she is now deciding whether she can be friends with you or not.

Can she put the "horrible" past aside and be happy to hang out with you?

That will depend on you.

If you start acting like a friend, she will keep you in her life but if you start demanding more or arguing or trying to get back together, then she will have to end it.

She is moving on, the co-worker I guess is her new focus. When people are very interested in someone then they cannot help talking about that person to anyone who will listen, even if it highly inappropriate, as it is here.

If you stick around as her friend, she will start telling you all about her dates too...

 

As she ended it, then why would she be cheating if she is seeing him?

Many will jump in and say she was seeing him before she broke up with you, but that may or may not be true, but I do guess she was probably looking around before she finally pulled the plug. Forget about the "confusion", dumpers are often "confused", it is usually just a way of trying not to hurt the dumpee. It is difficult to say" I never want to get back together", in the face of someone pledging their undying love to you, so it seen as better to say "I am confused I do not know what I want..."

 

As an aside do not try to make Long term gfs/potential wives out of women in their late teens/early twenties. It rarely works out well.

Some people do get upset about the young, naive woman being "groomed" and controlled by the older man and that certainly does happen too, but it is often the older man that gets very hurt.

He starts seeing her as long term or wife material, whereas it is only a "filler" relationship for her. As she grows up and gains experience she wants different things, she doesn't want to be tied down that early in her life and the guys her own age start to look hotter too. She dumps the older guy and moves swiftly on, he is heart broken, his dreams shattered...

 

All you need to do is learn from this, do not take women for granted.

Love is not forever. People will not put up with being treated badly and there is usually no second chances and even if there is, the old hurts and behaviours tend to resurface, so it often just prolonging the inevitable

 

Grieve, heal and move on is all you can do here.

[antonios]

I could be wrong but I guess the ship has sailed.

 

It is all too late, she has ended the relationship with you and she is now deciding whether she can be friends with you or not.

Can she put the "horrible" past aside and be happy to hang out with you?

That will depend on you.

If you start acting like a friend, she will keep you in her life but if you start demanding more or arguing or trying to get back together, then she will have to end it.

She is moving on, the co-worker I guess is her new focus. When people are very interested in someone then they cannot help talking about that person to anyone who will listen, even if it highly inappropriate, as it is here.

If you stick around as her friend, she will start telling you all about her dates too...

 

As she ended it, then why would she be cheating if she is seeing him?

Many will jump in and say she was seeing him before she broke up with you, but that may or may not be true, but I do guess she was probably looking around before she finally pulled the plug. Forget about the "confusion", dumpers are often "confused", it is usually just a way of trying not to hurt the dumpee. It is difficult to say" I never want to get back together", in the face of someone pledging their undying love to you, so it seen as better to say "I am confused I do not know what I want..."

 

As an aside do not try to make Long term gfs/potential wives out of women in their late teens/early twenties. It rarely works out well.

Some people do get upset about the young, naive woman being "groomed" and controlled by the older man and that certainly does happen too, but it is often the older man that gets very hurt.

He starts seeing her as long term or wife material, whereas it is only a "filler" relationship for her. As she grows up and gains experience she wants different things, she doesn't want to be tied down that early in her life and the guys her own age start to look hotter too. She dumps the older guy and moves swiftly on, he is heart broken, his dreams shattered...

 

All you need to do is learn from this, do not take women for granted.

Love is not forever. People will not put up with being treated badly and there is usually no second chances and even if there is, the old hurts and behaviours tend to resurface, so it often just prolonging the inevitable

 

Grieve, heal and move on is all you can do here.

 

No, no, it's not like she broke up with me, officially we're still in a "relationship". Regarding talking about other person is what I thought about, that she is interested in him, but she mentioned him like, two times in last 3 weeks, but regarding the topic that we were on.

 

I wasn't trying to make her my wife or something, it's more like she was trying to make her husband from me, but I treated it much more casually.

 

Sadly, I guess I'll have to move on... I can't see to give 100% from myself and not even 1% from her . I don't want to be her friend and I told it to her. I think this is the last thing that keeps her still a bit.

 

The last thing I can do is to go NC and maybe when some time will pass our roads will met again.

[antonios]

So it's been almost one and half month since this situation occured and I was giving my best to fix this, but it looks like she has moved on with us... Also I've learned that I've simply took her for granted - in my language there is no such specific term to describe this kind of mistreatment.

 

She said she was still thinking about it and when I was trying to meet with her, she always found a excuse to not meet with me ( meeting with sister etc ).

 

One and half week ago, she wrote "It can't be and look like that, we have to talk" so I wrote back "Ok just tell me when you are free", she responded nothing, I wrote next day, did she receive my message, "She said, yes", so I called her, she said she can't talk right now.

 

I got a bit frustrated about this, since it looked like she couldn't decide eventually what to do... So i did NC for one week up to this monday and said that I want to meet with her and talk, so we are going to meet tommorow.

 

I know that she will tell me, that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me . I think there is my replacement somewhere on back of her mind, which I won't know for a bit of time, and he helped her take the right decision...

 

Is there anything I can do, to reconcile with her in future ? I feel so bad...

Edited June 28, 2017 by antonios

[d0nnivain]

Sadly for you I think the relationship has run its course for her.

[Miss Peach]

A lot of women (and men) won't be direct about things like this. Since she won't make time for you and claims to be busy, I would say this is probably her attempt at letting you know at the very least you were demoted in her mind. It's not looking good IMO.

[SammySammy]

You can be appreciative without being clingy.

 

Stop talking about it with her and just do. Just show her you care and appreciate her without blabbing about it so much. Right now, your words mean nothing. Consistent action might.

 

Whether this relationship survives or not, let it be a lesson learned.

 

I believe relationships have the best chance of survival when you place priority on treating your partner well AND treating yourself well. You have to do both. To the best of your ability. Don't fret if a relationship ends. When you've given your all, you will know you've done all you can do and the relationship was just not meant to be.

 

Show that woman real love. Be about it. Don't talk about it.

 

You'll be a better person for it no matter what happens.

[SevenCity]

She was 18 when you started dating her & you were the dashing older man. She was in love with love.

 

 

You acted callously & now that is biting you in the butt.

 

 

If you have any hope of saving this some grand gestures are in order:

 

 

First send her flowers telling her you love her & you want to make her as happy as she makes you.

 

 

Send flirty texts periodically but not daily.

 

 

Send her a snail mail love letter or card every so often (at least 2x per year)

 

 

Plan romantic dates -- candlelight & dancing, star gazing, sunsets etc.

 

 

You really have to up your romance game here & if you won't or you can't keep that up long term (I'm talking at least one very romantic date every month), then let her go.

 

Never, ever, ever do this. Grand gestures always work in the movies and on tv, but never work in real life.

 

Women perceive these in a few ways:

- you are insincere and only doing it to get her back. It will stop once you hook her back in

- where was all this during the RL?

- why is he only caring once I've left?

- they feel pressured to get back together

 

And it's not sustainable. Once a woman has fallen out of love the only way to get her back is walk away. If she cares about you she may forget about the hurt and reach out (humans romanticize the past...the "good old days"). Doesn't mean she'll come back, but it's the only chance.

 

I've only tried to win back my last ex. I've never done it before and I'll never do it again. It was the same result as you (after 3 months) and I heard all the points I quoted.

 

If you walk, they are forced to live life without you. They might get to the point they regret it or they may not. But causing the anxiety of losing you forever is what causes women to come back.

 

It was her idea to leave and has to be her idea to come back. No romantic act or grand gesture will change her mind. My ex actually said to me "this is what I've wanted our entire relationship" but yet it was too late. When she first broke up with me I took a day off of work and drove 160 miles to her house with birthday presents for her. She said "How come you never did this when we were together?"

 

Too little, too late. Never again.

[Poutrew]

Your gf put you on probation. If you change your entire life around, and get a completely new attitude, she 'may' take you back.... but why bother? Is this one girl really worth deconstructing your entire life for? There are so many fish in the ocean, it might really be better for you both if you bow out gracefully and find someone else. If not, are you prepared to completely re - do your life again in 5 years? She is still growing and changing and you are not. And, from her perspective, you will always be in the wrong and be the one expected to give in, not her. Good luck.