I Got This

[IGotThis]

Hi,

First time posting. I have read about a lot of similar relationships online but want to share mine.

I was recently dumped by a man I truly loved. He (refer to him as J) was a difficult and disturbed man. But highly intelligent and beautiful in his core. We dated for 3 years 2 months and I lived with him for just under 2 years. We are both in our mid 30's.

I met him 12 years ago at a festival. I was with a partner at the time but could tell this man fancied me or at least found me quite attractive. The festivals we attend and have been attending for over 12 years have a variety or people who use drugs and rave and those who are more holistic and enjoy the community aspects.

We became reacquainted in 2010 when we were both ending our relationships. I had left my partner then to heal from health issues (he was depressed and unsupportive). I connected and slept with J at another festival we attended. But he became distant after as I realized he was not quite out of his current relationship. By the time it was said and done 6 months later, I was already in another relationship, so when J called me, we didnt connect at that point either.

We then finally connected and started dating in December of 2013. He made me feel like I was the one he was waiting for. Though I knew he had dated several other women and been through a bit of drama between 2010 and 2013. The beginning of our relationship was very romantic. Fairy tale like stories of sexual trysts and adventure. However, I came to realize that J had a drug problem. He intermittently smoked meth about once every 2 weeks. So we would have great crazy sex for hours but then he would crash for 2 days. He thought I couldn't tell but I always know when someone is high. Either way, he convinced me he wasnt addicted and wanted to stop. His then roommates were users and the ones dealing to him. So his frequency of use became less and less. He disconnected from those friends and kicked them out of his house a year later. Where I then moved in. He promised me at this time he would only do meth (which he usually smoked) on rare occasions. Say, at a certain festival we attended every spring. We usually went to this festival for 3 weeks each spring as we got involved and helped set up. He was a coordinator and I had several other jobs on site. It was fun. Though I noticed the first year, he spent a lot of time away from me prancing around helping out. This seemed to be his nature and I didnt mind as I'm not the type of girlfriend who needs constant attention.

Anyway, about 16 months into our relationship, we decided to open up to one of our friends. I had been in a previous open relationship for 2.5 years that went well. My previous partner and I would explore together only when our relationship was solid. It was fun and there was a lot of communication. So I thought it would be fun to try this with J.

Though there were red flags already (obviously) in the relationship. Before our first time opening with this friend J asked "What if i fall in love?". I told him thats not something a primary partner wants to hear and if that was a worry, then we shouldnt. We discussed it and decided to take it slow. So we opened up with our friend T. It was fun and innocent. Though I noticed that T didnt seem very interested in girls (she would only kiss me and didnt seem to know or want to deal with other parts of my body). Anyways, we did this for a bit and it naturally slowed down after a while. And we all just became good buddies. Where we would all sleep in the same bed and hang out if we were camping or at an outting.

About a year later, I noticed J kind of stopped being very affectionate toward me. He had stopped using meth completely and there was a rapid decline in his libido. The only times he seemed to want sex was if he had been doing some kind of drug recently. But we still had fun and great laughs. However, I also noticed that any social setting we were in, if T was around, he was always near her. They both are chronic pot/tobacco smokers so I chalked it up to that. They also both like doing recreational drugs and I'm more reserved as I felt my party days were best spent in my 20's. Then in the late fall of 2015, I began to see that anytime we were at T's place or hanging out, they were always side by side and touching. It upset me cause J had stopped affectionately touching me. Especially in public. I brought it up to both of them (I tried together but I think J faked falling asleep) and seperately. T seemed understanding and when i asked "If I wasn't with J, would you want to be with him?" She said "Only as a lover, I would never date him." When I brought it up to him, he got his back up and seemed really upset. Which is definitely a red flag. So after that, I felt a bit insecure and untrusting of him. Anytime he wanted to go hang out with T and friends, I would ask if I could go to. Not everytime but most times. Mind you, he never went out often so those interactions hanging with friends at T's place were usually his only social outlet.

A couple months later in the winter, they got into 2 arguments over events they were planning together. He sent a rude email to T's best friend as well (who was involved) and they stopped talking for a few months. I kept contact with T and talked to her a bit about the arguments. In those couple months, T got involved with 2 other couples and also seemed to cause a bit of drama there as well.

Then in the spring of 2016, we all started hanging out again. T had a new boyfriend who seemed really sweet. I attended the spring festival with J again but that year was pretty traumatizing. He decided to get a bit of meth to keep him up and working. It's a pretty demanding festival in terms of physical output when coordinating an area. But I think cause he hadnt used in so long, it made him pretty crazy. There were numerous occasions of tyrannical arguments and pacing and crazy fights with other crew member and festival attendees. I walked around the festival and everyone kept asking me what was up with him and could I get him to go to sleep. I spent the whole time making excuses and watching the man I love lose it a bit. He was definitely stressed and drawn out but I could tell that the meth was taking it to another level.

In the end, I was so upset that after the festival, I mentioned that I was heartbroken and contemplating a break up. It just seemed like so much, and being someone who doesnt really do drugs or cause drama, I felt a bit overwhelmed. Our relationship was never the same. I spent most of the summer away as I am a vendor and was attending other festivals selling my handicrafts. I got back home in October and immediately started working.

I would like to mention we also lived in a house with 3 other roommates. The newest roommate who had been there for 9 months by this time was a horrificly entitled toxic person. She also had past issues with meth and current chronic pot smoking and drinking issues. It's actually quite bizarre the similarities between her and J in personality. Though hers were definitely to a larger more in your face scale.

Anyways, J and my relationship hit a rut. We hadnt been very intimate since the winter before. I have endometriosis and sex started to hurt a lot. J seemed depressed and would say he felt like he was "Wasting my beauty and he was sorry we didnt have sex more". I told him "As long as it's magical when it happens, that's ok". AFter my summer away and the festival, we seemed to drift more. We were living in a busy neighbourhood with a ****ty roommate and had talked about moving away to a smaller town. J had been working a lot at this new demanding programmer job, working 80 hours a week everyday and exhausted when not working. I tried to make life easier by getting food and doing laundry and taking care of as much as I could. I also was determined to move and since we thought we were moving within a year, I wasn't working at a career oriented job. A good job but not for much pay. As well as spending all my free time making my handmade pieces in hopes of having a really successful vending summer in 2017 so I could contribute a chunk to buying a house too. My plan was to look for a job more in my career field after the move in the new city.

Then in the winter of 2017, J got a letter from the other coordinators of the festival saying that due to his behaviour at the last one (I'm not sure if they knew about the meth or guessed that he was using), he would have to go through a mediation process in order to figure how he could attend the festival in 2017. His issues with this collective were long standing and about projects older then the occurrence in 2016. They had treated him unfairly at times in the past, but also his behaviour seemed to just reinforce their ideas about him.

And now for the finale. Our winter was hard. I definitely had a bought of depression from December to February. I had gained weight, had the winter blues, and fully hadnt processed the events of 2016 which also included a few deaths and some random old acquaintances being unexpectedly cruel to me. I usually get along with everyone.

So in February, our relationship wasnt doing too well. We went away to a retreat where there was more drug use (not by me) and some fun dancey times with a group of 40 people. There was a sexy time that included all the girls wearing pasties and dancing around and I missed it and then felt pressured to take my top off. So I didnt. Im a bit stubborn.

Anyways, I wasnt at my sparkliest in the winter and hadnt really been for a while. I had been so busy with my nose to the grind stone (and J seemed busy too) that we werent putting much effort in. We got back from the retreat on Monday and J broke up with me. He said he wasnt happy and that our relationship was unhealthy. I was very upset. I said we were in a rut, but I had faith. But he was done. I remember him looking at me in the rear view mirror on the way homef rom the retreat and it made my heart jump. His eyes were my home. I loved their blue colour. I later realized that those looks were him deciding on how he was gonna break up with me. If at that moment, we could hear each others thoughts. Him thinking "What am I gonna say or how am I gonna go about ending it" and me thinking "Look at his beautiful blue eyes. He hasnt looked at me that way in a while" we would realize how we werent even close to being on the same page.

We were having a rough patch but I told him everyday I loved him. I held him ever night. I was excited to come home to him every day after work. Though maybe sometimes I didn't show it, I did most of the time. But I also noticed the relationship was a bit one sided. I was always the one to message him mostly. I kissed him more and went to him more often. We also had this ****ty aspect where we were both trying to work from home and hide away from our ****ty roommate. I had moved my work desk in the bedroom a year prior, and he started to complain he had no space in the room. That it was all my stuff. He wanted me to move his desk out from the corner and we talked about it but were both lazy and busy and didnt get around to it.I should've done it when he was away in December but for some reason I didnt. I moved into his house and if he felt he didnt have space, we shouldve fixed it immediately. I think he thought I was being selfish or trying to control his space. I wasnt really. But we did have different standards of cleanliness.

So he breaks up with me and said he's depressed and needs to fix himself.

I am devestated and ask if I can call someone. i decide to call T because at this point, we were all just friends. She gives great advice and says she's shocked. (which I believe she genuinely was).

Then 5 days later (I moved my stuff to a spare room) he attends a party out of town and I stay home. I then find out the following Monday that J confessed his love to T at the party. She had amicably split from her bf two weeks before, and I guess at the retreat, J felt very drawn to her and disconnected from me. They had a grandiose moment on ketamine at one point which I sarcastically remarked about (as k tends to make people delusional). I also found out he had been testing me at the retreat and before. How I would react to his touch. He had attempted to make love to me the Friday before he broke up with me but it was in the morning and I asked if I could go pee first. He claims that the way I moved my leg when he jumped on me made him feel like he was attacking me and that I didnt want him. Mind you he had been up all wednesday night on drugs too.Truthfully, I just had to pee and wanted to tidy myself up first. I was being self conscious. But when I got back to the room, he didnt seem in the mood so I didnt try. We had an hour before the retreat.

So a week later after the party and he confesses his love for T, he becomes extremely cruel. During the conversation, he keeps threatening to go to her house. It was horrific. He said other cruel things like how he didnt lust for me and we were bad for each other. I go to work and come home Monday and he's gone and is gone pretty much every night after. I find friends houses to stay at and sublet for a month and eventually move my **** out. And he stays with T and continues to be with her. They both betrayed me. I have moved on. He messages me that he misses me and other things. But i take it as manipulation.

[spiderowl]

I can appreciate you want to explain things fully but this is a long post without real paragraphs. If you could summarise this in a few lines, it would be really helpful and you will probably get more responses.

[SpecialJ]

Her recent ex, who she has known for 12 years and who chased her some then dumped her after 3 years for a mutual friend that he at one point pushed for an open relationship with (and got her to agree to explore it for a while), does a lot of drugs and causes a lot of drama.

 

OP, you got it right when you said he's deeply disturbed. I understand that he's probably also charismatic and possibly artistic and creative. But do you love him or do you just love the idea of him combined with the excitement he gives you by constantly pushing you in this roller coaster?

 

It sounds like he lost interest in you physically, and that it most likely had to do with his issues, certainly not how you look or are in bed. From what you write, he does have a ton of problems and doesn't seem very interested in addressing them. That's why he can't have a real relationship with another person. He doesn't want to be stable and support someone else. He wants to do drugs and be hedonistic and selfish. You sound like you want something real, committed (maybe in a poly partner primary way, but still emotional commitment in which you come first), and not based on drugs. He can't give anyone that because of his issues, so eventually he drifted away from you.

 

And went to a woman who has never before demanded that commitment from him AND is cool with doing all sorts of drugs with him. Now one of two things most likely happens between them: she actually gets attached and starts wanting a commitment and he's "in love" and gives it to her at first but then their relationship goes exactly the way yours did since he hasn't worked on any of his issues (or she gets fed up with him and leaves first, but it doesn't work out long term) OR they get into a passionate and unhealthy codependent mess fueled by the drug use. Maybe they think that means it's love, maybe they don't, but there's going to be drama unless he decides he's had enough of his problems and starts to work on himself. That has to happen from him, because of him, and will be unrelated to T.

 

I'm sorry you're in this mess and that you are undoubtedly feeling awful and betrayed. Please try to give yourself some space from this mess that, after a few months, will allow you to see him for what he is. Do you want a partner who, yes, excites your passion and love but can't fully function as a supportive partner in the long term? If not, maybe you can use this time to do some self-work, possibly with the help of a therapist to help you cope and then learn more about you. Try to stay away from him for a while because he's going to be cruel and maybe escalate his drug use with an enabling partner... which if you try to stay close is going to hurt you deeply for a long time yet.

 

Hope I don't sound harsh, since I'm not sure you're in a place to receive what I said quite yet, but I hope you're able to move away from this man for now and take some space to get better perspective on it. Put yourself first until you feel more grounded again, don't let his drama sink you and the strong person you are! Focus on your art and business as a healthier outlet for your emotions. It's going to be a long road after so much push pull dysfunction, and a lot of sadness, but I think you can do it and come out better for it

[Maldives]

I cld see where this was going especially that friend T. I had a similar situation wth my ex going bac a cpl yrs now Not the most recent ex but the one prior her and a very close friend of mine cheated. He's no longer my friend btw lol and she had his baby but for me it wasn't love wth her. But wat i took away from that experience is don't mix ur relationship too much wth ur friends u can't trust anybody.