brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 So in a new relationship with my current boyfriend and how it seemed like ex-controlled the situation. Well, I didn't exactly do a clean break without gathering more information. I just don't understand why my life MUST be so much drama. Anyway, I did like an entire 48 hours interview the other night. So I asked him, "You mentioned your ex stayed at your house in the past? Is this still a current thing?" He says "Yes." I said, "If she divorced you, then why doesn't she have a home?" He explains, "Well, she left me to be with someone else. Apparently the relationship didn't go as planned. She never plans or thinks anything through. So my kids went a while without seeing her and were constantly crying for her, so I have the kids for a week. Then, on the weeks that I don't have the kids, she comes here to stay with them. I typically leave and go stay with my mom and dad when she's here. Personally, I am repulsed by her. The fact that she is a liar, a user, a cheater, a ****ing parasite, but I am willing to let her stay at the house and use the car during her week so that the kids all have some type of normalcy." At this point, I'm pretty annoyed and angry. Im like "So why are you trying to date and pursue new relationships when your damn ex wife comes and stays at your house every other week? At this point, I have heard enough to believe that there are NOT clear boundaries. You're in a relationship that YOU elected to be in...no one drug you into this, so why not get your HOUSE IN ORDER LITERALLY before trying to be with me? I am pretty trusting in general and really don't stress about a lot, but this really encroaches upon my comfort level especially with our relationship being so new. I trust you, but my god...why does it need to be tested to the max so early? I can't casually date you and I don't want to be exclusive anymore." He goes on to say, "She has a timeline. She was supposed to get a place last month, but she is getting her own place next month. This is only temporary and it's the best thing for the children right now." So I said "I agree. Do what is best for you and your family. This isn't what's best for me though." He essentially wanted the relationship to continue to whatever level I was comfortable with and just prove things over time to me to make me comfortable, but I just pulled the trigger and said eff it. But I can't see myself waiting another month for her to decide....meh...I'm good...this negro ain't gonna kick me out, so Ima stay. She may do that or she may not...idfk. Last week there were some concerns but couldn't do a clean break, but now...this is just my limit. Am I being too critical? Anyone dated a man/woman who lived or shared a common space with an ex for a financial or custodial reason?
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 It happens, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or right, it all depends on how YOU feel. I myself would not tolerate something like this. IMO this ex is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her situation, especially when kids are involved. Her taking off to live with her lover says to me she is a bit of a dip sh*&. He is doing what he can for the kids sake, but that doesn't mean it has to be your problem too. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 He explains, "Well, she left me to be with someone else. Apparently the relationship didn't go as planned. She never plans or thinks anything through. So my kids went a while without seeing her and were constantly crying for her, so I have the kids for a week. Then, on the weeks that I don't have the kids, she comes here to stay with them. . Am I being too critical? Anyone dated a man/woman who lived or shared a common space with an ex for a financial or custodial reason? I'm confused. Why does your BF's EX have to stay at his house when he "has the kids" for the week? If he was the F/T custodial parent & their mom / his EX had no place to stay, I could understand that he let her into his house while he went to his parents so the kids could have time with her. But you said something about her coming to stay on the weeks he doesn't have the kids. If he doesn't have them & she's with him, where are the kids? People who share children are connected forever. How close the bond is may influence whether I want to stick around.
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 I'm confused. Why does your BF's EX have to stay at his house when he "has the kids" for the week? If he was the F/T custodial parent & their mom / his EX had no place to stay, I could understand that he let her into his house while he went to his parents so the kids could have time with her. But you said something about her coming to stay on the weeks he doesn't have the kids. If he doesn't have them & she's with him, where are the kids? People who share children are connected forever. How close the bond is may influence whether I want to stick around. No, I think either I wrote incorrectly or it was misinterpreted. When she is with the kids, he leaves to his parents(supposedly). She's living with a friend the rest of the time. She's not there when it's his week. All of this is what he's told me. I don't know it to be true or untrue. Apparently she doesn't want him as she left him and was cheating with men and women prior to leaving him. He says he's disgusted by her. But he's only been divorced since November. I believe that he doesn't like her but I also believe he could be still feeling rejected. Played. And sad. He can like me and want to pursue a relationship with me all he wants but I'm not convinced he is healed. Add in the two kids he adopted from her by two other men that he now has to pay child support for...seems like a recipe for a really nice guy who is still needing to truly come to terms of what has happened. He knows he was used...but accepting is another thing
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 It happens, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or right, it all depends on how YOU feel. I myself would not tolerate something like this. IMO this ex is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her situation, especially when kids are involved. Her taking off to live with her lover says to me she is a bit of a dip sh*&. He is doing what he can for the kids sake, but that doesn't mean it has to be your problem too. I'm on the same page as you! Thank you for responding. I think he's an amazing guy and seemingly a great fit for me. However the external baggage is a lot to put on a new girlfriend and relationship.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 This type of arrangement screams 'recently seperated'. Does not matter his ex-wife stays there or not, they have not been seperated long enough for you to be dating him. Even if his ex found a house tomorrow morning I would still not date him if I were you. Stay away from recently seperated men.
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 This type of arrangement screams 'recently seperated'. Does not matter his ex-wife stays there or not, they have not been seperated long enough for you to be dating him. Even if his ex found a house tomorrow morning I would still not date him if I were you. Stay away from recently seperated men. Agreed. I told him that he has no business on match.com seeking a serious relationship with me or any woman with this baggage. I just recently found out the divorce happened in November. She left him for someone else. 1
SoleMate Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Good for you for asserting your boundaries. They're quite reasonable. 1
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 Good for you for asserting your boundaries. They're quite reasonable. I thought they were any way. My friends told me I was being non empathetic and sympathetic to his situation and not giving him enough time to work through it all.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I thought they were any way. My friends told me I was being non empathetic and sympathetic to his situation and not giving him enough time to work through it all. Your friend doesn't have much dating experience. If a man needs time to work through his problems again you don't date him, you'll just end up being the crutch he needs to work through his problems and when he's back on his feet ready to embark on his new next life you'll be the first thing he'll discard.
Phoenician Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Your friend doesn't have much dating experience. If a man needs time to work through his problems again you don't date him, you'll just end up being the crutch he needs to work through his problems and when he's back on his feet ready to embark on his new next life you'll be the first thing he'll discard. -yes if he is an ********* , if he is a good hearted man , her existance with him is a givology he will admire all his life . Isn't it that good relations is built based on sacrifices ? Unless their relation is superficial one , just for sex and fun .
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Actually I understand that there is a new trend like this. The kids stay in their house while mom & dad take turns living with them. One parent stays in the house, the other leaves. This allows the kids stability because they are not being shuttled back & forth; they don't have to change schools; it feels familiar to them etc. I commend divorced people who can put the kids first. That said, it you don't like the arrangement, you don't have to date the guy. But you can't tell him to pick you over his kids. 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 -yes if he is an ********* , if he is a good hearted man , her existance with him is a givology he will admire all his life . Isn't it that good relations is built based on sacrifices ? Unless their relation is superficial one , just for sex and fun . Him being a bad man or a good one is irrelevant. ALL human beings go through the same process of mourning when a relationship ends. The best of men, with the biggest heart, STILL needs time alone to recover from a separation. MANY men (and women) think they're ready for a new relationship the day following a separation, it's a lie to themselves. They're not even conscious of it BUT someone with dating experience know better than to date a man just out of a relationship especially with small kids. 2
soyou Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I love how you dealt with the situation. You're strong enough to walk away from a situation which is not of your liking. I dont think you're cruel or unempathetic. If I were you, I would do the same. Reading all of your posts here I see 3 big red flags: 1)They just recently split up - November. I dont know how long they have been together but November till now is not long enough for him to heal from this relationship. 2) The kids are not his and he has to pay for custody. This says a lot about him, a nice and kind person. But that also means he gets used by her. And now she's staying at his place when it's her turn to take care of the kids. This woman knows your guy inside out and she knows she can get away with this because he's a nice guy. The chance of her getting her own ****s up will be very small, unless she wants it herself. 3) Your guy has too much baggage to deal with. He needs to learn how to put boundaries on people and especially his ex. This is not your problem to solve. To be honest, I would not like to be involved in such a situation. Dating is supposed to be fun, loving, and memorable in the beginning but this already sounds like too much drama to me. Good luck! 3
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I thought they were any way. My friends told me I was being non empathetic and sympathetic to his situation and not giving him enough time to work through it all. Tell your friend he can have all the time he wants...just not your time too.
kendahke Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 The welfare and well being of a man's children are ALWAYS going to come before someone new he met and doesn't know well. Whatever it takes to give his children normalcy, it appears he's going to do. He's not going to do the deadbeat dad routine for someone he barely knows, even if it means he's letting their mother crash at his place for a week so they don't have to be uprooted. Your best bet is what you did--end it and find someone who doesn't have kids. Don't turn it into a power struggle between his family and you--it won't end well for you. He hasn't been divorced long enough to even be entertaining a new relationship. 1
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) Actually I understand that there is a new trend like this. The kids stay in their house while mom & dad take turns living with them. One parent stays in the house, the other leaves. This allows the kids stability because they are not being shuttled back & forth; they don't have to change schools; it feels familiar to them etc. I commend divorced people who can put the kids first. That said, it you don't like the arrangement, you don't have to date the guy. But you can't tell him to pick you over his kids. No, I was very clear with him the other day that I can tell him what I am uncomfortable with, but I am not going to tell him what to do or how to handle a situation that really works best for his children. The best thing I could do is remove myself from the situation, but I think I was clear with him that if that situation repairs itself in the future(30 days as he said she would) and if he can create clear boundaries then I am all for trying again. I love how you dealt with the situation. You're strong enough to walk away from a situation which is not of your liking. I dont think you're cruel or unempathetic. If I were you, I would do the same. Reading all of your posts here I see 3 big red flags: 1)They just recently split up - November. I dont know how long they have been together but November till now is not long enough for him to heal from this relationship. 2) The kids are not his and he has to pay for custody. This says a lot about him, a nice and kind person. But that also means he gets used by her. And now she's staying at his place when it's her turn to take care of the kids. This woman knows your guy inside out and she knows she can get away with this because he's a nice guy. The chance of her getting her own ****s up will be very small, unless she wants it herself. 3) Your guy has too much baggage to deal with. He needs to learn how to put boundaries on people and especially his ex. This is not your problem to solve. To be honest, I would not like to be involved in such a situation. Dating is supposed to be fun, loving, and memorable in the beginning but this already sounds like too much drama to me. Good luck! Thank you for your compliment!! I felt really sad yesterday because he's such a nice guy. I just know that it would drive me crazy and rather than enjoy my relationship, I would just as frustrated and stressed as he is...and I don't want that. Tell your friend he can have all the time he wants...just not your time too. Agreed!!! It's all about being fair! The welfare and well being of a man's children are ALWAYS going to come before someone new he met and doesn't know well. Whatever it takes to give his children normalcy, it appears he's going to do. He's not going to do the deadbeat dad routine for someone he barely knows, even if it means he's letting their mother crash at his place for a week so they don't have to be uprooted. Your best bet is what you did--end it and find someone who doesn't have kids. Don't turn it into a power struggle between his family and you--it won't end well for you. He hasn't been divorced long enough to even be entertaining a new relationship. The children are not the problem. I have 1 myself. I understand the dynamics well, so this was never about his children. This was and will always about be about the ambiguity of boundaries and her staying at the house. I didn't debate with him what he needed to do to make me happy because it's just not about me as much as I would like for it to be. This is about his kids. I told him that I was going to remove myself from the equation. When he gets it together, he can call me but not a minute sooner. Another issue is that I had to ask the RIGHT questions to get these answers. This was not free flowing, so that also gave me reason for concern. If I had allowed myself to live in bliss, he wouldn't have volunteered it. Edited June 7, 2017 by brittneyfoster 1
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 It sounds like you set very clear boundaries. Good for you. 1
kendahke Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Another issue is that I had to ask the RIGHT questions to get these answers. This was not free flowing, so that also gave me reason for concern. If I had allowed myself to live in bliss, he wouldn't have volunteered it. count yourself ahead of the curve. You know the right questions to ask to get the answers you need. A lot of women don't. 1
Author brittneyfoster Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 All that breaking up talk with my Delta cargo baggage ex the other day...I wake up to a text from him. It's a song about a break-up and missing the other person tremendously. How do I respond or do I NOT respond at all? If he hasn't given his ex the boot, devised a plan that will work best for his kids and our relationship, or an ultimatum on when she has to move out, then I'm not changing my mind on this one at all.
PegNosePete Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 If he hasn't given his ex the boot, devised a plan that will work best for his kids and our relationship, or an ultimatum on when she has to move out, then I'm not changing my mind on this one at all. If he had given his ex the boot, devised a plan that will work best for his kids and your relationship, and an ultimatum on when she has to move out, then I am sure he would tell you that he has given his ex the boot, devised a plan that will work best for his kids and your relationship, and an ultimatum on when she has to move out. Not just send you a link to a soppy song. He's done none of the above. He's just attention seeking. Ignore. 3
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