Jamespete Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 My ex broke up with me exactly a week ago. We had an up and down relationship-very loving but arguments caused by my insecurity. The end result I pushed her away. The break up wasn't good, I dived into a depression and said things I shouldn't have as a cry for help (maybe I'm better off dead) it was a hear of the moment reaction when you can see all you want collapsing around you. She contacted my dad and told him and also contacted my ex which resulted in me being stopped from seeing my son as I was 'unstable' I was blocked on all social media and phone. Then I get an voicemail on Sunday saying she was angry and upset but had calmed down now. She said that she cares about me and would like to be friends. I call her on Monday morning asking what she means. She's says that she doesn't want us back together, but she is happy to be my friend as we did have good times but she can't be with me when my insecurities kick in. She said she'd be happy to meet up in a month or so after I've been seening my councillor as friends but se can't promise anything. I was very confused by this. Se was reaching out but not in the way I had hoped for. I am very down about the whole thing...I love her and miss her. Is it fair she is doing this?? I spoke to her again this morning and asked what she's hoping to achieve...she said there's nothing in it for her but she was just trying to be nice. She proceeded to tell me all the things I did wrong on the relationship (insecure, needing reassurance, controllong (i never stopped her doing anything so didn't agree). She said the constant questions eventually pushed her away and the last few days felt she had got her life back. Told me how she's out this weekend with her friend (the only one I didn't like). I'm sure this was done to spark a reaction. I asked again why the friendship offer and she said oh well maybe it won't work and we should just say goodbye then. Se said she wants me to get better and is happy to meet but can't promise anything. I asked did that mean if o showed I'd sorted myself out we could have another go at things....she said can't answer that and even if it did happen it would be a slow slow process. I asked what if she meets someone new? She replied I can't say that won't happen although I'm not looking. The last time I spoke to her(a few hours ago) I put my cards on the table...I said I loved her, wanted to get better and show her I'm ok and hopefully get another chance. She again said she won't promise anything and that if we continue to text it must only be 'hey how are you!' 'How are the kids' etc 'normal stuff' and that if i mention any feelings she won't reply as she doesn't want the emotional pressure. Her first message was 'glad to see the curtains open' followed by a winky face and a kiss. She is adamant that the likelyhood is we will only ever be friends so I don't see what she has to gain by wanting to eventually meet up with someone she knows wants more. I'm stuck between wondering if she's being kind or cruel. Why is she doing this? Is it because she feels guilty about the break up ?? She has clearly moved on and even admitted she hasn't really thought about us as she's been keeping herself busy with her kids etc. I'm not doing so well. I've lost weight, not eating and I am on anti depressants, and trying to work into getting some councilling for my insecurity. She said she's happy to message as friends and will meet up only as friends but it won't be happening soon. Please advise me what to do! I love her, I want us to get back together but know it can't be how it was before. Should I cut all contact, get myself sorted and move on or should I stay in touch and meet up? I fear that as time goes by she will just disappear anyway and when I call to say hey here I'm am, she'll say no....and that will crush me.
RustCohle Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Women want attention. The more people they have around them to give them attention the better. That's what she wants from you. By asking you to be her friend means she wants to use you(even if she is doing it light hearted). There is no turning back, she lost attraction for you and you certainly won't attract her by being her puppy friend. Your reaction on the breakup means you have 0% chance of getting back together. She is a lost cause so move on. LET HER DISAPPEAR. Go to the gym as cliched as it sounds this is the only way for you to grow confidence. Put a goal on yourself to gain muscles. I suggest you take a personal coach for a year to have a specific goal. Then hit the market and find yourself a beautiful woman and BE ALOOF on the dates, not desperate.
mightycpa Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 (edited) I spoke to her again this morning and asked what she's hoping to achieve...she said there's nothing in it for her but she was just trying to be nice. See that? That's you, the nothing part. Her idea of "nice" is to grace you with her presence. What should you do? You should use this experience to help you become stronger in the face of adversity, and kick this depression right out the door. Step 1: Call her up, tell her thanks but no thanks to a friendship and you never want to hear from her again. Don't explain either. When she starts talking, simply say GOODBYE and hang up. Don't text or email. CALL. Make her hear the words. Make yourself say the words. You have to start doing the hard things right away, and this is the place to start. Step 2: I trust she won't contact you, but if she does, just start blocking her, email, text, phone, social media, etc. Step 3: Sit back and wait for the toxic mix of breakup brain chemicals to hit. Then cry your eyeballs out for a couple of days, don't stop to eat or rest or anything. Cry until there are no tears left. This is a cleansing exercise. Step 4: Exercise! Good for the body, good for depression, good for counteracting those brain chemicals that are torturing you. Exercise hard, to exhaustion. Push yourself with the knowledge that with strength comes resolve. Step 5: Write about it. Write about your breakup, your feelings, everything, until you are as sick of writing it as people are of reading it. Write about it from every perspective you can think of, yours, hers, a bird in a tree and desensitize yourself to the stories you tell. Neutralize the power of those memories. Step 6: Resist your urges to crumble in the face of pain and pressure. If you feel like you must make contact, make it in the mirror. Notice how ridiculous and pathetic you look. Get mad at that loser in the mirror. Protect him from himself. This is going to take a long time. It isn't easy, it's hard, really hard, but it can be done. It must be done. You'll be alright. Edited June 6, 2017 by mightycpa 1
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