Trust issues

[JohnyB]

Hi,

I think I have serious issue and I'm not sure how to deal with it. In the last year I met a girl which I like very much, I think even love her. We are "officialy" together for almost 6 months. We are spending a lot of time together, mostly it is one date in a week, and whole weekend since friday evening. When we are together I'm very happy, issue is when we are separate.

Little background story. Everything was ok till one "event" around 2 months ago. She went to the company party out of town (only for company people), and then stay one day longer with her female friends, one married and one has boyfriend. They was drunk, and started to get naked with eachother. She told me about it next morning, and after she get back I told her that was not ok with me, even if this was innocent and meaningless. She promised me not to do this again, and I know she was feeling bad about this. But after this, I started to have thoughts if she is carrying about me and my feelings. I know I don't have reasons to be affraid that this will happen again and she is very attached to me. But still, in my head I have some stupid minds and thoughts... Sometimes I even get anxious when she isn't replying for my text for longer period of time (she is not a "modern girl" which has phone next to her all the time). I think this "event" broke my trust to her, and I must find a way to deal with this. Hers company have a lot of parties for employes only (I think around 6 in a year), some are out of town, and I can't don't trust her everytime she go. Besides that, she didn't do anything wrong to hurt me, all was great. We always talk about our feelings (communication is very important to us), but I can't tell her that I have issue to trust her in 100%. This could ruin our relationship. I don't really know what do...

One more thing. This is our first serious relationship, we never was so commited to someone else, and we both have 30yrs. So maybe that's could be our issue, it's something new to us, and we don't know how to deal with some problems. Other explanation is that I'm overattached to her and I'm expecting to everything she do was focused about me. I don't wanna be that guy, but what I want and what my mind wants seems to be two diffrent things I'm so messed up...

Oh, and I don't feel bad all the time when we are separate, only sometimes. And I'm feeling happy again when we talk or text for some time (about usual stuff, not problems).

Anyone has some wise words how to deal with it?

 

Cheers

ps. sorry for my english, it's not my native language

Edited June 6, 2017 by JohnyB

[preraph]

Your writing is fine. I'm glad you realize that you are wanting her to be only focused on you, but you must know that that is not even realistic. You can't be the only one in her life. It's not humane. It is controlling. So you must let her have friends.

 

It's a little odd she "got naked" with women from work but I imagine they had to all room together, so that's probably all she meant. Unless you have reason to think she had sex with women, you have nothing to worry about.

 

You need to stop obsessing about it as long as she is acting the same and loving toward you.

 

Good luck.

[JohnyB]

Thanks

Yeah, I know that, and I don't wanna control her. I'm fine with her going out with friends (like I go with mine), but still in my mind there is something that makes me jealous and insecure when she is not with me. I feel love from her and that I'm very important to her (like she is to me). I just must find a way to forget about this bad thoughts, and I don't know how to do it

 

About this "got naked". They was staying in the same room, but that wasn't only undressing before going to sleep (which is of course totally normal, like on gym, spa or something). Sadly it was little more, dancing without bra and a little bit touching their breasts. For sure there was no sex. She told me everything when she woke up. They work together, both have partners, and I'm sure that was meanlingles, only stupid girl play. But this ruin a little my trust for her, and I can't really forget about it and be ok. Even if she promissed that this will not happen again and I'm sure it won't.

[froggymom]

It is still early in the relationship. This is the time to get to know each other and what you like, don't like, want and don't want in a relationship. Be honest and open with each other and allow the relationship to grow naturally. Good Luck.

[JohnyB]

Thanks.

I just complicated things even more Yesterday she had company party for coworkers and clients, like always, without partners. It was openair at well known location. Before going to sleep, I remembered that there is remote camera. So what I did? Go and check if I can see this party. My intentions wasn't to spy her, but they had Ray Wilson on the stage so I wanna check this out And what I saw? Her dancing with other dude. That's ok with me, some time ago I told her that I'm ok with dancing her with her friends at those parties but not ok with strangers. She confirmed and told that she don't even think about it. But what bothers me, is that they really have very good time on the floor. It wasn't sexy dance, regular one, but with few closeups. I didn't liked it, so I watched more. When they finish dancing, she dance by herself and after a while went and grab him from behind (not ass thoguh) to dance with her. Later they talk, and also, she seems to very enjoy this. After that they leave somwhere and then leave together. I'm sure that she didn't cheat me, but I'm very jealous that she spend around one hour (for what I can saw) almost all the time with this guy.

My question to all of you is should I told her about it, that I saw this party and I'm not ok with it? It will look like I'm spying creep, but that was not my intention. If I don't tell her, it will eat me from inside, and another trip (out of town in 2 weeks) will be nightmare to me.

I should just go to sleep, damn

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm searching for something bad in her behave, talk, texts etc. Like this what happend to me is too good and I can't be happy :/

Edited June 9, 2017 by JohnyB

[BluesPower]

Hold on a minute...

 

She spent the whole night dancing and talking with one guy and they left together for an hour.

 

Dude, I don't know about you, but I can have a lot of sex in an hour.

 

They were on a date man, not a company function.

 

You need to leave this girl and find someone new, like yesterday.

 

And tell her why and that you saw her behavior at the party.

 

Don't let her convince you that it was innocent because it was not.

[ExpatInItaly]

My girlfriends and I can get a little wild and silly after a few glasses of wine. But never have we ever stripped down and touched each other. Nor do we have any desire to. That isn't just "girl play", in my opinion. Either you're not getting the full story from her or they have a bizarre "friendship" with shades of sexual interaction.

 

I'm also curious what line of work she's in that they have such frequent company parties, out of town.

 

You spying on her is just creepy. If you tell her you did that, prepare to get dumped. I sure wouldn't stay with a man who resorted to that. However, there are some red flags with her and you clearly don't trust her so it's probably best to end it anyway.

[JohnyB]

Hold on a minute...

 

She spent the whole night dancing and talking with one guy and they left together for an hour.

 

Dude, I don't know about you, but I can have a lot of sex in an hour.

 

They were on a date man, not a company function.

 

You need to leave this girl and find someone new, like yesterday.

 

And tell her why and that you saw her behavior at the party.

 

Don't let her convince you that it was innocent because it was not.

 

No, it wasn't like that, my english isn't perfect. I wasn't spying her for a whole night, I'm not that crazy. But crazy enough to spy her for a one hour... And in this one hour she was mostly with him, and they left for 10minutes or so. Probably just to sit with friends.

 

It's technial company, they have integration trips, around 2-3 in the year, rest is parties for clients or Christmass parties.

 

I think I will just talk to her about this party and see what she will tell me. If she will not mention him, I will tell her that I took a peak on this camera and see this guy and who he is. Of course I will not mention that 1hr spying thing... I was feeleing bad while doing this, stupid me

Edited June 9, 2017 by JohnyB

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It doesn't matter if it was 1 minute, 1 hour or 3 hours, what you did was still spying. Her behavior didn't reassure you either, did it? If anything, you will probably be more suspicious and anxious about what she gets up to when she is at these events.

 

The reality is that you can't trust her, and once she finds out you were spying on her, she won't trust you either.

 

My only advice is to trust your instincts. If you feel that you can't trust her then you need move on. Otherwise, you will turn into an insecure and possessive boyfriend with anxiety issues.

 

Think about it. Is that the kind of man you want to turn into? Is any relationship worth continuing if it brings out the worst in you?

[JohnyB]

@Scarlett I know that I did wrong

With trust, that's my biggest issue. Part of me knows that she will not cheat on me and she is devoted to me. But part of me don't like her behavoirs. She is very friendly and open to people, which makes me jelous when it comes to men. I know that yesterday it was meaningles, just a friend from work, and nothing happend. It was friend which was avaiable to talk and dance, thats it.

The issue is within me, and if I decide to end it (and I REALLY don't want to), the next relationship will be the same. I must work on this, but I really don't know where to start.

I think forum isn't enough help to me and I need to see a shrink.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm not judging you for what you did. Frankly, I'm not surprised you find difficult to trust her.

 

I'm only asking you to be honest with yourself about how bad things have become and how bad things may get if you continue down this road.

 

Perhaps seeking help for your issues is the right decision for you. However, I don't want you to think your feelings of mistrust are completely irrational either because from what you have described, she doesn't sound very trustworthy at all.