CloudyHead Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been dating seriously for about 7 months. He met my parents and sister at my house on Christmas Eve last year. He hasn't seen them since due to the distance (I live three hours away from them). I have been very involved in boyfriend's family events. I am getting together with my family in July to celebrate everyone's birthdays and other family events. Since it is a three hour drive, I would like to leave either on Friday night/Saturday morning, spend the night and head back home about noon on Sunday. This would put boyfriend getting back to his house about 4 pm. I have told boyfriend that he does not have to go with me and my kids. He said he wants to go but on the condition that we leave early Sunday morning so he can have Sunday afternoon to himself. And early means about 7 am or 8 am. I'm not sure I want to get up early to head out on Sunday morning. I'm sure my kids will not want to leave so early. And, quite frankly, I want to spend time with my family and not feel pressured to head out so early just because boyfriend is set in his ways. I do not want to hurt his feelings, but, at this point, I do not even want him to go with us. Any suggestions on how to handle this issue?
BaileyB Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Just tell him that you don't have the opportunity to see your family very often and you would prefer not to rush to leave on Sunday morning. Tell him that your kids will want to enjoy their time with their extended family. Then, suggest that you have no problem with his decision if he wants to stay home and have some time to yourself. I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Versacehottie Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Take two cars. Find a happy medium. It would probably be good to have him there for some of it but then have the rest of the time on Sunday with your family. maybe you are just annoyed because him saying that he needs the rest of sunday seems a bit selfish or blunt? Or that he dictates all the plans or something like that? i.e. is this more an annoyance with the symptom (which can easily be resolved) or an indication of a bigger problem? I kinda think it's the latter. If he is going to acquiesce to going at all, the conditions he is putting on it seem a bit rude or self-serving when this is not the moment for that. I don't know but it feels like more than just a simple impasse on this family event issue. 2
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Go in separate vehicles so everyone can leave whenever they want. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Go in separate vehicles so everyone can leave whenever they want. Smackie9 nailed it. Another option may be leaving at 11 ish. It's earlier than you want but later then he wants. 1
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He's being unreasonable and totally selfish. Who wants to get up at some ridiculous hour so that you can leave at 7am on a Sunday??? I guess he doesn't really want to spend time with YOUR family, so is now imposing his will on you and your kids and your family so HE can feel better by ruining the whole weekend for everyone...
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He's being unreasonable and totally selfish. ... I think that is overstating it a bit. They can take 2 cars & he can go home when he wants at the crack of dawn. He can just stay home. There are options besides my way or the highway
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Yes there are other options but he is not being forced to see her family every week, he has not seen them since Christmas. He laying down conditions, when the decent thing to do here is to is to go with the flow and be amenable and friendly. The two car idea is all very well but it splits up the family and ruins the outing, and it will make Cloudy Head feel bad in front of her family, when he shows up alone in his car and then leaves early. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He's just the BF. There is no family relationship here. Why should Cloudy Head feel bad because they took two cars? If her family thinks anything, they will think he has a life & another commitment, which is does. He wants some alone time on Sunday. My husband & I take 2 cars to lots of things & we leave at different times. We come from different directions. Many of our friends also end up with 2 cars when we do group activates. With long hours & bad traffic, it's not always possible to go all the way home, take one car & come back out again. It's really not that big of a deal unless she makes it one. Heck, come Thanksgiving I'm probably going to end up flying to my MIL's a full 2 days before DH gets there & she's his mother. Yes, it would be more gracious for him to suck it up since the visits to her family are so infrequent but is really the hill she wants her relationship to die on? 2
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Yes, it would be more gracious for him to suck it up since the visits to her family are so infrequent but is really the hill she wants her relationship to die on? Of course it would be more gracious for him to suck it up, it is not as if he is working or has a busy schedule he can't get out of, it is so that he can go home and have "ME" time and that to me sounds incredibly selfish of him. He is willing to ruin everyone's week-end, so that he can get his own way... 1
kendahke Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Then don't take him with you. You and your kids drive up there and spend the time you want to spend with your family. Problem solved. I'd rather not have someone with me grumpy and indifferent to my family because I knew what he asked before we came up, but I turned it into a power struggle, wanting to have my way at his expense. Or pick a different weekend when he doesn't have to have the afternoon to himself.
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He knows 2 months ahead of time he'll need sunday pm of me time? How old is he that he needs to rest from a 3 hour drive? He can get his me time from 4 pm to 8 am next day. To me it's unbeleivably selfish especially you only drove there 6 months ago. Is he also selfish and fussy in other departments? Fussy is the right word..fussy and princess of him.
kendahke Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 (edited) The two cars suggestion is a really good one. That way, everyone gets what they want, everyone is happy. Don't turn it into a power struggle--it won't end well. I'm wondering is he an introvert? Being around a lot of people he doesn't know well may make him agitated. Edited June 6, 2017 by kendahke 2
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 It's called compromise....There have been some reasonable options suggested in this thread, all is not at a loss.....relax and go with the flow. 2
smackie9 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He knows 2 months ahead of time he'll need sunday pm of me time? How old is he that he needs to rest from a 3 hour drive? He can get his me time from 4 pm to 8 am next day. To me it's unbeleivably selfish especially you only drove there 6 months ago. Is he also selfish and fussy in other departments? Fussy is the right word..fussy and princess of him. Some people need to decompress from a week of work and a busy weekend of birthday celebrations....I am that person too, I like having a day to myself to sit with my feet up having quiet time with my beer. 1
elaine567 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I think everyone likes quiet time to decompress, but this is one weekend in 6 months, why is he causing trouble, because that is what this is. Cloudy Head has spent a lot of time with his family, he needs to repay the compliment.
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Some people need to decompress from a week of work and a busy weekend of birthday celebrations....I am that person too, I like having a day to myself to sit with my feet up having quiet time with my beer. Of course we all like to decompress and have our 'me time' but planning some 'me time' right in the middle of a 2 day family activity is fussing in my book! It's not like he's spending an entire week with them. She just wants to leave at noon instead of 8 am. He STILL has his 'me time' at 4 pm. He can take the rest of the week as 'me time' if he wishes.
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I have read OP last thread. This guy is only seing OP on weekends which means he has every week day of the week to devote to his 'me time'. OP, in your last thread he refused to say ILY back, where is he standing now? after 7 months is he saying it back? If not than you have your answer. He's not into using his 'me time' one Sunday afternoon out of the year for you.
Versacehottie Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I have read OP last thread. This guy is only seing OP on weekends which means he has every week day of the week to devote to his 'me time'. OP, in your last thread he refused to say ILY back, where is he standing now? after 7 months is he saying it back? If not than you have your answer. He's not into using his 'me time' one Sunday afternoon out of the year for you. Agreed and my point pretty much I haven't read the OP's past threads but do feel that this "issue" is a symptom to reflect other things going on. Power struggle for both, his need for alone time and probably most likely why the OP is annoyed and swinging all the way toward not wanting him to come at all is that she mentally is using the family weekend as a test to represent how invested he is in the relationship. His willingness to participate & how fully is, to her, a reflection of how much he cares. Fair enough--it may or may not be. These are the kind of issues that cause pervasive resentments and hurts. If it was really just about him wanting to go home earlier, two cars is the obvious solution and would work well for both of you. I just sense a communication breakdown or possibly a huge misunderstanding if you disinvite him. That said, it's not like your issue with this is invalid. But you have to get to the bottom of why and if there are significant imbalances in your relationship since you feel like this. Good luck. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 when i was with my fam my dad would always want to travel early in the morning when i say early i mean 4 30 am to beat traffic and for us to get home so he could unwind all sunday afternoon, ready for work on monday morning...does he work? i dont know it seems like an argument developing over a couple of hours...the two car thing might be the go .....deb
Author CloudyHead Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 Thank you for your opinions! Yes, boyfriend said ILY a day or two after I said it to him and tells me every day. He is a truck driver who comes home every night. He's usually up about 4 am or 5 am and home about 6 pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. On weekends, he doesn't want to drive so taking two different vehicles sounds great but I know he will not do it. He has a routine of spending Sunday afternoons fixing his lunch for each day of the upcoming week, doing his laundry and whatever else he needs to do. After thinking about it and reading everyone's comments, I think the best resolution for me is that he stays behind. While I would love for him to come with us, I do not want to feel pressured to leave at a certain time. I do think he is being unreasonable. But, I want to enjoy my time with my family. 2
Phoenician Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Thank you for your opinions! Yes, boyfriend said ILY a day or two after I said it to him and tells me every day. He is a truck driver who comes home every night. He's usually up about 4 am or 5 am and home about 6 pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. On weekends, he doesn't want to drive so taking two different vehicles sounds great but I know he will not do it. He has a routine of spending Sunday afternoons fixing his lunch for each day of the upcoming week, doing his laundry and whatever else he needs to do. After thinking about it and reading everyone's comments, I think the best resolution for me is that he stays behind. While I would love for him to come with us, I do not want to feel pressured to leave at a certain time. I do think he is being unreasonable. But, I want to enjoy my time with my family. if you can buy him a gift : a ticket by bus or plane , I have got as low as less than 50$ for a distance like this .he will be cornered to accept reject based on real cause not hiding using excuses.
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 You are asking of him 4 extra hours Once! Is he 75 that he is so stuck in his routine he can't grant you 4 hours ONCE. You sure it's worth dating this man? He won't see you on week days not even once and god forbide he changes his routine ONCE for you. Does not sound like a keeper to me. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Thank you for your opinions! Yes, boyfriend said ILY a day or two after I said it to him and tells me every day. He is a truck driver who comes home every night. He's usually up about 4 am or 5 am and home about 6 pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. On weekends, he doesn't want to drive so taking two different vehicles sounds great but I know he will not do it. He has a routine of spending Sunday afternoons fixing his lunch for each day of the upcoming week, doing his laundry and whatever else he needs to do. After thinking about it and reading everyone's comments, I think the best resolution for me is that he stays behind. While I would love for him to come with us, I do not want to feel pressured to leave at a certain time. I do think he is being unreasonable. But, I want to enjoy my time with my family. Well I'm glad you came to a resolution you can be happy with. The real question is are you really happy? I think you are temporarily satisfied with your solution which is a start. Though I think if you want more clarity and balance you should ASK him if he would drive separately since he wants to leave early and you want him to participate in a family event because you are a couple. Personally, I think depending on HOW you give him a "pass" it will be the way a pattern is set up between you two forever more. Plus asserting what you want, regardless of whether you get it, is vital to being an equal partner with a voice and in itself might make you feel better---even if the end result is STILL the solution you have now (that he skip this event). If he is soooo set in his routine (which I also imagined), does it actually bother you? These are the kind of lifestyle things which you actually need to decide if they bother you enough where you aren't quite sure if his future goes with yours. I mean this is your life. I don't think you need to dig your heels in to get the outcome you want for him going to the event. But I do think this churns up some stuff about the relationship that you should be considering. Such as he is not afraid to voice his need for his sunday alone time and routine and you are making assumptions (which you could very well be right) about how he will react & what the decisions as a couple will be without speaking up for your POV. Also it obviously bothers you that he won't change his "routine" for an important event in your life whereas you have done many for him. Relationships are lots of compromise--just make sure it's not all a one way street of you compromising for him. And letting him slide on stuff that actually if you weren't already in love with him would not be impressive at all (lack of spontaneity, rigidness, lack of support where it matters to you most). I could absolutely be reading more into this than exists but is it also possible that all this issue is indicative of not feeling you can communicate or are being heard? Anyway, just some things to think about. Have a fun family weekend! And good luck 1
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 It sounds like Sunday is the only day he has to do his weekly chores. Would you be willing to offer to do his laundry or make his sandwiches in exchange for him staying longer?
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