Is this an unhealthy/ abusive relationship?

[rie39]

Hi all,

 

So I've known my boyfriend/ ex (we are having issues at the moment...) for about 9 months. I fully committed to him a few months after I met him. He has done quite a few things that I initially felt were not right and that he shouldn't do, t told him numerous times that I deserve better than that, but I don't know if I'm completely right that he is being bad to me. He tells me back that he isn't bad. I don't know if he is wrong in that or if I am. I need your advice.

 

I'm just going to list dot points of my situation to make this more readable and refined

- He really fought hard at the start for my attention. Now that I fully committed and love him, he says he is hurt I didn't love him sooner. He seems to not want to continue because of that. I told him, though, that a man should have patience for a woman to open her heart to him, especially since I had just gotten out of a breakup before meeting him. I told him I committed to him eventually and how can he give up because I didn't do it sooner?

- He keeps bringing up my past mistakes, which I'm not sure are even what I deserve to be blamed for? My "mistakes" are that I fought for my ex too long, someone who didn't appreciate me (we were trying after we broke up, then eventually I realised he was not worth it). He doesn't like that I did that to myself and says I was cheap then to do that. I met my current bf while I was still fighting for my ex, and I understand it would have been hurtful for him to really like me while I was doing that. But it's complicated - should I feel regretful that I was fighting for my ex while this new guy liked me? :/ I still think it's not right to now want to give up because of that past event, after I moved on and blocked my ex completely now? And it's important that I learned from my past mistakes and don't want to re-do them (now I won't be investing in a guy unless he is really wanting me back).

- He says I don't love him as much as he does and that his efforts are worthless, that he isn't enough for me because I fought for another when he was trying for me in the past... but his efforts weren't worthless because I fell in love with him! And I eventually committed to him! I know I love him as much as I can. I feel he means worthless as in I didn't love him sooner enough.

- He has moments when he says he can't continue, usually when he remembers my past. I got exhausted the last time he did this. He said he didn't want to talk or continue anymore. So I blocked him. I didn't want to be with him if he had so much against me and kept being unsure of me and talking about my past. Then he finds a way to message me and says he still loves that's why he keeps coming back, but starts to blame me again - this time for blocking him and not staying until he felt better. He says I was "ready" to block him and how could I let him go days without talking to me. But he ignored why I ended things! I told him I don't want to be with someone who keeps bringing up my past and that it really hurts me that he is so quick to say he wants to discontinue.

- When I tell him he hasn't been good to me, he always tells me to think of the reason he is like that, that it's my fault because of my past

Edited June 6, 2017 by rie39

[mikeylo]

Hi all,

 

So I've known my boyfriend/ ex (we are having issues at the moment...) for about 9 months. I fully committed to him a few months after I met him. He has done quite a few things that I initially felt were not right and that he shouldn't do, t told him numerous times that I deserve better than that, but I don't know if I'm completely right that he is being bad to me. He tells me back that he isn't bad. I don't know if he is wrong in that or if I am. I need your advice.

 

I'm just going to list dot points of my situation to make this more readable and refined

- He really fought hard at the start for my attention. Now that I fully committed and love him, he says he is hurt I didn't love him sooner. He seems to not want to continue because of that. I told him, though, that a man should have patience for a woman to open her heart to him, especially since I had just gotten out of a breakup before meeting him. I told him I committed to him eventually and how can he give up because I didn't do it sooner?

- He keeps bringing up my past mistakes, which I'm not sure are even what I deserve to be blamed for? My "mistakes" are that I fought for my ex too long, someone who didn't appreciate me (we were trying after we broke up, then eventually I realised he was not worth it). He doesn't like that I did that to myself and says I was cheap then to do that. I met my current bf while I was still fighting for my ex, and I understand it would have been hurtful for him to really like me while I was doing that. But it's complicated - should I feel regretful that I was fighting for my ex while this new guy liked me? :/ I still think it's not right to now want to give up because of that past event, after I moved on and blocked my ex completely now? And it's important that I learned from my past mistakes and don't want to re-do them (now I won't be investing in a guy unless he is really wanting me back).

- He says I don't love him as much as he does and that his efforts are worthless, that he isn't enough for me because I fought for another when he was trying for me in the past... but his efforts weren't worthless because I fell in love with him! And I eventually committed to him! I know I love him as much as I can. I feel he means worthless as in I didn't love him sooner enough.

- He has moments when he says he can't continue, usually when he remembers my past. I got exhausted the last time he did this. He said he didn't want to talk or continue anymore. So I blocked him. I didn't want to be with him if he had so much against me and kept being unsure of me and talking about my past. Then he finds a way to message me and says he still loves that's why he keeps coming back, but starts to blame me again - this time for blocking him and not staying until he felt better. He says I was "ready" to block him and how could I let him go days without talking to me. But he ignored why I ended things! I told him I don't want to be with someone who keeps bringing up my past and that it really hurts me that he is so quick to say he wants to discontinue.

- When I tell him he hasn't been good to me, he always tells me to think of the reason he is like that, that it's my fault because of my past

 

Its not abusive or unhealthy. HE is an immature kid, crying like a baby.

[todreaminblue]

He is not mature and ready for a relationship....people change their minds ...fall in love when before they didnt love someone thats the idea of falling in love....some people take longer to realize and fall in love with a person they have known for a while..it happens all the time....

 

with my ex i really liked him as a friend...and one day...i realized i felt more for him than i did at first...... that took two years.....for me to see him as a love interest.....people dont normally fall in love exactly at the same time.....

 

 

......holding grudges isnt a way to be in a committed relationship and his heart honestly(not yours) obviously wasnt into it..still living in the past.and a little childish......thats no future ..you were right to end it....deb

[act00]

This could be abusive, but at this time, I'm just going to say immature and insecure. It shouldn't be this much work, and you shouldn't have to constantly defend yourself or prove yourself to him. He can't cope with your past. He walked straight into a relationship with someone who was unavailable. Now keep in mind, none of this is a fully conscious act. But given you ended up with him while you were "still seeing" another guy, could mean you'll flit off again with someone else. He really doesn't know what he wants, because I would bet money that he would still behave this way if you were completely single at the time you met. He's afraid of losing you, but I can assure you, no matter what you do, he won't be happy with your behavior and something else will come up that criticizes. The name calling is a definite run for the hills. He called you cheap. Sorry, it won't get better.

 

These are behaviors of abusers, but really hard to pinpoint because it is so subtle and occurs low-level over a long time until you're broken. I married this, so take this with a grain of salt - admittedly I can be hypersensitive, but this is screaming red flag. I can't tell you how often something I did/said six months ago popped up, and I couldn't even remember the incident, where if I upset him and he brought it up right away, I could explain the context or apologize or something, but instead he chose to stew and create a monster out of it. And the name calling. No. Just no.

 

Regardless of what's going on with him, he's not for you. He's not ready. Again, you shouldn't have to work so hard to convince him you care about him, and your past should not still be creeping up. You could shower him with the most devoted love and attention and lose yourself to him, and he would still find some insecurity or something you're doing wrong. You'll be afraid to go out with friends because you'll want to avoid whatever will trigger him and the aftermath. Friends could start avoiding you because they don't want to deal with him or your complaints of the aftermath. It could start affecting your job/school. Time to go. Sorry, but this is not worth pursuing.

 

Let me ask you this. When you're apart from him, do you sometimes just feel relief? Go with that.

[preraph]

I think he has some self-worth problems that he is now making your responsibility, and I don't see how the relationship can go forward. He is going to end up being happy with nothing less than fully controlling and monitoring you, if I had to guess. If he has one foot out the door, you should let him go.

[OnlyHonesty]

Its not abusive or unhealthy. HE is an immature kid, crying like a baby.

 

 

You wouldn't really call it healthy though...

[kendahke]

You are too fragmented to be with someone like this.

 

You hadn't processed your break up well enough before you got with this guy.

 

At best, he is your rebound and he knows it.

 

If you are all the negative things he says you are, why is he with you? What does that say about him?

[Redhead14]

If it isn't working and doesn't feel good, move on you should . . .

[Gaeta]

It's emotional immaturity and manipulation at its best.

 

I understand that right now you are broken up, do not go back. A relationship does not need to be full blown abusive for you to terminate it. His emotional immaturity and manipulation are enough to end it. He's keeping you in constant emotional turmoil and accusing you of things you have no control over, you cannot change the past and the circumstances under which you met.

 

Keep it broken up, permanently.

[GemmaUK]

It's emotionally abusive because he is belittling you (makes no difference is that happens in front of others or in private) and is continuing to do so.

He is also guilt tripping you.

 

He is incredibly insecure and is attempting to be manipulative - the good news is you know this and you're out - keep out of it.

If you go back to him things will get worse.

 

Just block all ways for him to contact you - keep blocking if needs be and do not respond - as soon as you respond he has something to play with.

[d0nnivain]

It's not abusive but it is manipulative & unhealthy. He is trying to blame you for his self esteem problems. Not only didn't you cause them, you can't fix them.