Too much family time?!

[Driver]

Disclosure - I sound like a totally antisocial brat in this post but as an introvert I can't deal! I do realize I am lucky to have my family around especially family that cares. I do love them but have less desire for togetherness than they do.

 

My husband and I, newlyweds for about a month, are both pretty introverted people. We generally like to spend our time at home with each other, as antisocial as that sounds.

 

Complicating things a bit is the fact that I work in the medical field and I have a very varied schedule, with lots of nights and weekends. Most of my time off is on a weekday during the day, when everyone else is at work. Including my man.So I have really come to be very selfish about my rare Saturday off or Friday night off. My husband on the other hand works the normal Monday through Friday 9 to 5 schedule. So some weeks I don't really get to spend time with him more than a couple of nights before bed.

 

We try to maximize the amyount of time we have together and do things with our friends and family individually when the other is working. Me more so than him admittedly. For example I might have lunch with a friend or my grandparents before I go in to a 4pm shift and he may have drinks after work with a friend or go golfing with his dad on the weekend when I am working.

 

The issue is making enough time for family when we are balancing our time with each other and our friends. AND getting in that much needed recharging time that introverts need. My parents are divorced, so that's two sides of the family to see right there. When you include his family, that's three sets of family that we need to make time for. Not to mention my sister has two adorable little girls she would like me to spend more time with.

 

My family seems to understand my schedule so they don't stress me out as much, but his mom will literally text me every week to ten days to tell us she misses us and "When are we seeing you? We miss you!" I get annoyed that she texts me instead of him but I think it's because she knows he's kind of avoidant and may not respond quickly enough. He's not a texter so it's "convenient" when he doesn't want to do something. I feel resentful though that she makes me the middle man. Even if she texts him something she wants she will often put me in on a group text, probably because she knows I am a guilt ridden person (LOL) and will make him respond and do what she wants.

 

If I had it my way I would see each side of the family once a month. That would still leave us doing family get togethers on a weekly basis in ADDITION to all the birthdays and holidays... I think my husband shares the same sentiment. We both often say we want to be left alone. He doesn't seem to think much about it but I am the one who experiences the guilt. I don't want to be seen by his family as the "reason" they don't see him and the one who takes his time away. I feel responsible when "they miss us so much!" I feel bad they are always the one initiating get togethers and it's never us. If a month went by then sure, I would be texting them but they want to see us (or his mom rather) much more.

 

Don't get me started on holidays. I probably only get a holiday like Christmas off every other year and I am sooo stressed thinking of how we are going to fairly divide things between families. If I alternated Christmas between my dad, my mom and his family, considering I only have a Christmas off every 1-3 years I might not get a Christmas with each side every six years! And rushing to each side's house throughout the day isn't enjoyable. We've done the two Thanksgiinga in one day thing and it was not even enjoyable because they started at the same time. We went to the beginning of one, got crap for leaving early... showed up late to the other in the middle of dinner.

 

I am just rambling but argh! It's so stressful!

[Els]

Once a month sounds reasonable to me, especially if you explain your crazy schedule to them. I would hope that his parents would value their son's marriage and mental health instead of selfishly pushing you two to see them more often.

 

Also, is individually seeing your families a solution? It doesn't make sense to me at all to rush around every Christmas. I know traditionally a married couple is supposed to be joined at the hip, but some modern couples do occasionally attend family gatherings separately in situations like this. It only makes sense - less stress for everyone, all the parents get to see their kids, and you and your H will be seeing each other the remaining 364 days of the year anyway.

[MsJayne]

Phew....I got stressed reading your post. What needy annoying people! I think the problem here is your guilt feelings, you maybe need to start ignoring the demands of family and learning to be a bit selfish without worrying what they, (who are in fact being quite selfish themselves), think about you. With a hectic schedule involving shift work, etc, you have the right to time to your self to do what you want without being pressured and made to feel obligated in your social and family life. It's great that your in-laws obviously like you a lot, but they need to remember you also have family that you have to have time for.

[Driver]

Thanks for the replies.

 

To be honest holidays aren't really a huge deal to me... they don't seem to be to my husband either so it would be interesting to see how he'd feel about spending holidays apart. The idea bums me out but it is a least worth a shot, just to try it out one year.

 

I also appreciate the feedback that "once a month is enough"! That's how I feel too! But our families, especially his, don't seem to get it. I think the issue is a lot of enmeshment on his side... I mean, his 28 year old brother and 24 year old sister still live at home. His mother seems to like the kids close to her nest.

 

She texted me this evening and said "Give me something positive to look forward to! When am I seeing you guys next?" And I said "I am swamped with working the late shifts but (my husband) may be interested one night this week so shoot him a text!" I want her to understand I am not the gatekeeper and if she wants to see her son she doesn't need to text me first. It may appear she is being"respectful to the wife" but to me it's more of a manipulative approach she employs because she knows if it were up to her son we wouldn't see her as much and I am sure she knows I rarely have the heart to say no!

[GunslingerRoland]

One thing I've found helpful is to be the host, if you let other people host, then you have to run between 3 places. But if you host, then everyone has to come to you! My family, my wifes family, extended family. We just invite everyone over for all of the major holidays.

 

Anyway, you guys don't have kids right? Why does your family need to see you that often? I agree with you that it sounds like overkill having to see every single family member every week. I mean, unless it is for some sort of practical reason, I think it's too much.

[Mrs. John Adams]

AS a MIL...I understand schedules. My son travels a lot....my DIL has a full time job....my granddaughter has dancing school 4 nights a week. My DIL parents are divorced...so yes it complicates things. But I also know that seeing them every 4-6 weeks on a sunday afternoon is about all i can expect...and is all I should expect.

 

On holidays I always take the late afternnon shift. Dinner is at 3 which gives her dad breakfast...me late lunch and her mom the evening. It works...but only because we all have to be accomadating.

 

It may be time for the both of you to sit down with parents and explain the schedules. They will be disappointed...no getting around that. But everyone has to live in harmony...and some time together is better than no time together.

 

The priority here is the time you get to spend with each other....and everyone else just has to understand.

[d0nnivain]

You are newlyweds. This balance is tricky for everyone. Set your priorities as a couple first then stick together against everyone else.