My husbands uncle moved in with us.. in our living room... need guidance..

June 6, 2017

Really appreciate any input or advice here...

My marriage is amazing. I am 28 and my husband is 35. I met my husband in 2011 when I moved in with my grandmother. My husband and his uncle (whom is 61 years old. He does not speak a word english, he is Costa Rican.. he doesn't know how to cook or help himself. He has been very dependent on my husband) lived in the apartment upstairs at the time and worked at a diner 1 block away. Soon after I met him, we got together, married in 2014 and in 2016 the diner permanently closed.

After the diner closed, his uncle moved 45 minutes away with a family friend that he has known for years, and went to work as a dishwasher in a spanish restaurant. Spanish restaurant = no language barrier. Great!

He lasted there only 2 months. After about 2 months, he called my husband, said "he can't take it anymore" and asked if he can move in with us, or if he has to find another place to live... He told him he already gave this job his 2 weeks notice of quitting... and that he was tired (61 years old, wants to slow down and not work so much) Of course he knew that my husband wouldn't say no to him... So 2 weeks later he comes to move in with us. IN OUR LIVING ROOM. HIS BED IS OUR COUCH. Oh, by the way, I also have my 19 year old brother living on our other living room couch for the past 2 years because we really don't have any family or anywhere else for him to go, so I had no choice but to take him in. Now I have 2 ppl living with us in our living room.

My problem with my husbands uncle is that he is literally helpless. He follows my husband around the house all day talking in Spanish. He ONLY eats Spanish food so when we are eating, more often than not there is rice and beans involved now. He takes over our TV and Spanish channels are now on 24/7. Oh, and slowing down at work? That was a lie... he has been here for 2 months already. Last week, he started working with my husband at his new job and is working 40 hours per week again.

My husband understands my frustration, but not really. He is saying that he only said yes to him because "my uncle is like a baby, he was lonely" blahhh... Then he goes on to say, well at least he is helping us with paying rent now...

I can't say that I don't like my husbands uncle, because then my husband will tell me that I am being mean, and I need to love his family... He really does come from a family of love..... (Tbh I DID like him before he moved in with us and started acting like a baby more than ever)

I would LOVE the opportunity to be alone with my husband for once. It's like his uncle doesn't comprehend that he is in our way! We are not ready to have kids yet, maybe another year or two until we are ready... we would like to buy a home first... But how can we when we have all of this baggage on us?! If we bought a 3 BR home, there would be no room for growing a family!

What do I do?! Is there anything I can do?

June 6, 2017

There is only one way you can solve your problem and come out of it smelling like a rose. You need to set the guy up with a girlfriend. You play match maker, and he moves in with mamacita, and then you can go over to their house for some rice and beans...

June 6, 2017

Er, do the words "too kind" or "generous to a fault" mean anything to you? It's one thing to help out friends and relatives, but when they take advantage of your kindness and become a nuisance it's time to put your foot down. I would suggest you sit down with all of them and explain that you are sick of feeling like you live in a commune, it's time to find a much bigger place and brother and uncle will have to contribute their share of the rent on that bigger place if they want to continue sharing with you. Better still, why can't they move out and stand on their own feet? As for your husband's uncle trailing him 24/7 and never giving you any time alone, maybe you need to explain to your husband that it's wearing REAL thin. I'd be asking him if he and Uncle Barnacle would prefer to have the place to themselves like when they lived upstairs from you and your grandmother.

If you don't address this problem now I suspect you'll end up having major issues with your husband because it sounds like the resentment is festering.

June 6, 2017

WTF. Your husband really needs to man up and start setting boundaries with his family. How would HE like it if you brought, say, your grandmother and grandaunt over to share your bedroom and live with you forever, without even consulting him?

June 6, 2017

Aha, but posters so far have missed what I think is the obvious conundrum ... either that or I have misread.

The OP's brother is still living with them too, and long term. How can she bring up the prospect of kicking out the uncle, if it comes to that, without getting an immediate backlash about the brother who has been resident for 2 years and more?

This is going to be really tricky and the mistake, if I can be so bold, is that before any of these guys moved in, boundaries and limits were not set.

I fell into this trap with my 1st wifes sister, she's a high functioning bi-polar and what I thought was going to be a couple of weeks 'visit' to my wife, turned into a months long nightmare without any end in sight.

I was terrifically torn. On the one hand, the sister was quite personable, and very smart. I loved talking with her. But, simultaneously, my personality type needs a -lot- of personal space and personal time. I became increasingly wound up until I blew my fuse.

This problem is probably also compounded by cultural norms. I'm not across costa rica culture, but it may well be that close extended family ties and multi generational co-habiting is perfectly normal. Your husband may not at all feel restricted, constrained or overwhelmed by having either the OP's brother or his uncle staying there.

Tough tough nut this one.

If the OP is to retain her sanity, and a change is to be made, I'd suggest that both the uncle and the brother are going to have to move on. Her and her husband may even have to move themselves, to a new rental, in order to truly 'force' the issue and provide a D-Day date - because sometimes family members like this, get anxious and desperate and will simply hold on and argue and basically refuse to leave ... of course police can be called and they can be extracted, but, goodness me, by this stage the family ties are breaking down and its a really serious end game.

June 6, 2017

The pair of you need to grow backbones, and tell these people to get the F out of your house.

Seriously, this is what happens when you are too nice all the time. I grew up with a push over mum and a really strict dad. When they divorced, the entire family started taking advantage of my push over mum...

...until I got to about the age of about 16/17/18. Then I was fighting off these moochers all the time. Kicking them out and the like.

"Nice people" bring it upon themselves, in my experience. In some way, the pair of you are probably welcoming it. Someone has to put their foot down, or you'll continue to be taken advantage of.

Edited June 6, 2017 by Bastile

June 6, 2017

Aha, but posters so far have missed what I think is the obvious conundrum ... either that or I have misread.

The OP's brother is still living with them too, and long term. How can she bring up the prospect of kicking out the uncle, if it comes to that, without getting an immediate backlash about the brother who has been resident for 2 years and more?

This is going to be really tricky and the mistake, if I can be so bold, is that before any of these guys moved in, boundaries and limits were not set.

I fell into this trap with my 1st wifes sister, she's a high functioning bi-polar and what I thought was going to be a couple of weeks 'visit' to my wife, turned into a months long nightmare without any end in sight.

I was terrifically torn. On the one hand, the sister was quite personable, and very smart. I loved talking with her. But, simultaneously, my personality type needs a -lot- of personal space and personal time. I became increasingly wound up until I blew my fuse.

This problem is probably also compounded by cultural norms. I'm not across costa rica culture, but it may well be that close extended family ties and multi generational co-habiting is perfectly normal. Your husband may not at all feel restricted, constrained or overwhelmed by having either the OP's brother or his uncle staying there.

Tough tough nut this one.

If the OP is to retain her sanity, and a change is to be made, I'd suggest that both the uncle and the brother are going to have to move on. Her and her husband may even have to move themselves, to a new rental, in order to truly 'force' the issue and provide a D-Day date - because sometimes family members like this, get anxious and desperate and will simply hold on and argue and basically refuse to leave ... of course police can be called and they can be extracted, but, goodness me, by this stage the family ties are breaking down and its a really serious end game.

Wow, I really did misread - I thought the brother was the husband's! The OP definitely brought this upon herself, then. She needs to fix her side of the equation before talking about the uncle.

June 6, 2017

I think you should learn how to speak Spanish. I guess he is going nowhere.

Family life in Costa Rica may seem like family life back home, depending on where you are from, or it may seem more traditional than what you are used to. Often times, children will live at home with their parents until they are married. Sometimes children live at home until they are in the 20’s or 30’s, and then once they have married they move in with their spouse. It is also quite normal in Costa Rica for extended family members to live together. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins may share one house, or live in very close proximity to each other so as to see each other frequently. Family is very important to Costa Ricans and usually a Costa Rican’s social life is closely intertwined with his or her family life.
When you go out to eat or to an event in town, it is common to see many generations all out together. From newborns to great-grandparents, the whole family will usually spend special occasions and outings together. If a Costa Rican friend invites you over to his or her house, be prepared to meet the whole family, since many Costa Ricans either live with or spend the majority of their free time with their family.
Family Life in Costa Rica | Send me South

June 6, 2017

Hi Jacq!

Would you mind if I moved in too? Happy to bring my own couch! I've always wanted to learn Spanish and this seems like a perfect opportunity.

Sorry, I don't mean to make light of your predicament. I just couldn't resist..... And I really do want to lean Spanish.

Do your brother and the uncle contribute financially to the household and do they generally get on ok, despite the language barrier? If so, perhaps if they combine resources, they could afford to jointly rent a place together, close by so that they would still have you around for support? They are used to sleeping on couches so presumably they would mind a very small cheap affordable place?

I know that this may be the norm in Costa Rica, but he has to accept that he is not there now. Perhaps if you gently explained that you need space together as husband and wife and that possibly soon you will need space to plan a family, then they would accept this and not take too much offense.

I do sympathise. My wife's culture is a little like this, more so than mine. Her parents drop by any time they want and treat the place like their own home. It's lovely in one way, and I get on with them, but in another way it feels like my home is not truly my own. I got quite annoyed the other week to find my father in my garden law fixing my fence. In one way I see that it is a big help, but to just turn up and start doing it without asking? I bit my lip, held my frustration and thanked him for his help!

Living full time on your couch, however, that's another league. It is not at all unreasonable to want private time just with your husband. It will just take tact and planning and hopefully you guys will work out a way forward.

I wish you good luck please keep posting!

June 6, 2017

Thank you all for your kind words and advice!

Yes, this is definitely the normal in Costa Rica. They are all very family oriented.

Yes, the other one living in my living room is MY brother. He is 19 years old and has no where else to go. We don't have any other family. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets. Plus, he's hardly home. He's usually hanging out at his friends house. He doesn't bother anyone.

My husband's uncle on the other hand is the definition of HELPLESS. He has never had a girlfriend in his life, he doesn't know how to cook, our last 2 summer vacations, he has come with us. The other day, my husband and I were in our room with the door closed and his uncle just opened the door and walked in. Didn't knock. I told my husband about it and he just said that "He's "stupid, doesn't think". HE didn't mean stupid in a mean way, but he has the mentality of a child... Thats the best word for it...

That is what bothers me.

I think I'm going to take the advice of someone else in here, and ask my husband if they'd prefer to have the place to themselves than before i came along 5 years ago....

June 6, 2017

Is your brother in college, or does he work? Either case, he should rent a room and be on his own. A 19-year-old boy is not a minor, and doesn't need to stay with his family.

You mentioned that the uncle is paying rent. If your brother is working, does he contribute financially too?

June 6, 2017

Yeah, it doesn't really matter that your brother isn't much of a bother. He's a 19 year old sleeping on your couch long term. You really set the precedent here and are reaping what you sowed. You need to figure out your brother situation first and then talk to your H about his uncle. I realize the uncle is a bigger intrusion on your life, but still.

If you had a spare bedroom and the brother was a roommate, it would be one thing. But he's sleeping on your couch. That is just not a normal situation, and it has paved the way for the situation with the uncle. It would be pretty selfish of you to "put your foot down" over the uncle without doing anything to address YOUR family taking advantage of you in the same way. (Not that you brother is at fault). You don't have room for your brother, and you don't have room for you H's uncle. There are so many options for single people to live cheaply. They can rent rooms somewhere, get a studio apartment, anything. They are adults!

June 6, 2017

You say he needs a lot of attention, is he in fact what is known as a "vulnerable adult" or a borderline "vulnerable adult" maybe?

If so, then I can easily see why your husband is in no hurry to get rid of him.

It is a harsh world out there and if he has always been somewhat cared for by friends and relatives for the past 61 years, then he may easily become the victim of exploitation if left to his own devices...

June 6, 2017

Is there any family left in Costa Rica?

June 6, 2017

Is there any family left in Costa Rica?

Yes, he does have family left in Costa Rica. But he simply doesn't want to go back to Costa Rica yet because he doesn't have his papers. If he leaves he cannot come back. He is making his money here, but honestly doesn't save any. He's gives away all of his money to everyone around him, except me. I refuse to take another persons $. He said to me he will go back to Costa Rica in 4 years. I cannot take him living with us for 4 years, at least.

June 6, 2017

You say he needs a lot of attention, is he in fact what is known as a "vulnerable adult" or a borderline "vulnerable adult" maybe?
If so, then I can easily see why your husband is in no hurry to get rid of him.
It is a harsh world out there and if he has always been somewhat cared for by friends and relatives for the past 61 years, then he may easily become the victim of exploitation if left to his own devices...

He is absolutely a vulnerable adult. He's like a baby. This is what my husband said to me: The only reason why I said yes to him (for him to come move in with us) was because of this...

But honestly, he lived on his own for 2 months 40 minutes away from us. He quit his job and called my husband saying "he can't take it anymore". I think he was lonely and didn't try hard enough. Honestly, I don't feel as its my problem for him being lonely. We are not his parents. I don't see how my husband couldn't consult me before saying yes to him living in our living room permanently. I don't see how his uncle doesn't feel that he is... in our way...

I'm just one of those persons that need some personal space.. I loved the man, until he moved in with us. Now I just want to be alone with my husband. We've never been alone yet.

June 7, 2017

Yes, the other one living in my living room is MY brother. He is 19 years old and has no where else to go. We don't have any other family. I'm not going to kick him out on the streets. Plus, he's hardly home. He's usually hanging out at his friends house. He doesn't bother anyone.

You may think you're doing your brother a favour, but you're not. He's 19, not going to college, has no job, and spends all his time hanging out at his friends' house?! What's going to happen to him when the day inevitably comes that Big Sister cannot take care of him anymore, and he has to subsist on his own like an adult (which he already is)?

If you actually cared about his long-term well-being, you would insist on only supporting him for a maximum of 3 years while he goes to college full-time, or gets technical training or an apprenticeship. Not letting him throw his life away like that.

My husband's uncle on the other hand is the definition of HELPLESS. He has never had a girlfriend in his life, he doesn't know how to cook, our last 2 summer vacations, he has come with us. The other day, my husband and I were in our room with the door closed and his uncle just opened the door and walked in. Didn't knock. I told my husband about it and he just said that "He's "stupid, doesn't think". HE didn't mean stupid in a mean way, but he has the mentality of a child... Thats the best word for it...
That is what bothers me.

Has the uncle actually been diagnosed with a learning disability or has he just been enabled all his life? If he truly does appear to be disabled, he needs professional help.

I think I'm going to take the advice of someone else in here, and ask my husband if they'd prefer to have the place to themselves than before i came along 5 years ago....

I really don't see how this is going to solve any of your problems.

June 7, 2017

OP: I got the impression that you've been avoiding to deal with your brother's situation. Does it occur to you that, if you don't give him the opportunity to grow up, he may end up being a kidult like the big uncle 42 years later? Does he go to school or work? Does he contribute to housework or contribute financially? He may not be bothering you, but can you be totally sure that your husband didn't consider him a third wheel before the uncle joined the party?

June 7, 2017

It's not really anyone's place to tell you to kick out your brother or the uncle. In a lot of cultures it's perfectly normal for extended family to live together. Even in the US some people value family very highly and to kick out a vulnerable man in his old age is just not an option for some. It may not be a universal belief but personally I am of the opinion that when you marry someone, you marry their family. I would want a home where my family, as well as my husband's, are always welcome. Fortunately I am dating someone who feels the same. I feel lucky that we have the resources to have had several of our siblings stay with us for some time.

Re: the brother, maybe a decade ago in the US living independently at 19 was the expectation, but that's not really the case anymore. I would bet a majority of people that age are still living at home and/ or financially dependent on their parents/ family. It sounds like you're all he's got, so I applaud you for stepping up to the plate and supporting him.

So, if kicking them out is not a feasible option, maybe you should think about Practical ways to improve the situation. The uncle has a job, which I think is a real positive here. Could you ask him to contribute more and move into a bigger place, where he has his own space? You should also talk to your husband about setting some boundaries re: time and personal space. The uncle does not need to be barging into your bedroom, keeping the TV on all day, or tagging along for your vacations. It can be a tough conversation and will likely take repeated tries to get the point across as people that age are slow to change, but your husband really needs to set some ground rules here, or your marriage will suffer. I think if your uncle respected your space a little more, the situation would be far more palatable.

Edited June 7, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise

June 7, 2017

It's not really anyone's place to tell you to kick out your brother or the uncle. In a lot of cultures it's perfectly normal for extended family to live together.

I do not know of any culture where it is actually acceptable for a 19 yo man to live on his sister's couch and spend his days hanging out with friends WITHOUT going to school/college or having a job (and I'm familiar with a variety of Eastern cultures). Yes, in some cultures it's normal for extended family to live with you, but it is still very much frowned upon if they are not contributing in any way or going to school full-time.

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My husbands uncle moved in with us.. in our living room... need guidance..

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