Emotional and Verbal Abuse from Husband

[KAngel]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post on this site and I'm honestly very nervous about sharing my experience on a public forum, but I feel like I have nowhere else to go.

 

So basically I've been married for the last 2.5 years and I truly love my husband but at times his behaviour is simply unacceptable and also very hurtful. It took a lot for me to write the subject of this post because for a long time I didn't want to come to terms with the fact that what I'm experiencing is in fact that - Emotional and Verbal abuse.

 

I'll try to summarize as best as I can so here goes. I dated my husband before we got married for 14 yrs. Yep 14 years! We were together from around the last year or so of high school and then throughout our twenties. We are both the same age and got married at age 30.

 

When we first met as kids/teenagers I never saw him display any anger issues, even though upon reflection I do remember him saying to me that his parents took him to a psychologist for anger management once. I simply dismissed it because I couldn't possibly see why this would be necessary as I didn't see any type of anger issues being displayed in his personality.

 

However as the years went on the anger issues started to surface. Our arguments would be very loud and involved a lot of shouting on both ends. To be honest while we were dating during our teenage years I was very fiesty and never let him feel like he could control me and I always had the last word in our arguments.

 

Anyways fast forward some years and these arguments started to include swearing at each other and saying mean things. The arguments weren't frequent but when they happened they weren't pretty. Just to mention this was all just verbal and nothing physcial. Just before we got married i started a small business and we worked together a lot. The arguing intensified as we spent a lot more time together. The cursing and the shouting would continue whenever we argued. I always consoled myself that the relationship wasn't unhealthy because it wasn't happening that often and when we weren't arguing we were very happy! I should also mention that my husband is a very caring and kind hearted person. If ever I am sick he is always there 100 percent and looks after me extremely well. Despite his behavior I loved him for his caring ways.

 

We did marital counselling before we got married and I addressed this issues with the pastor. I expressed my concerns to him and told him that I didn't like the behavior and how we were speaking to each other. I should also mention that I made a conscious effort to stop swearing and be the bigger person to make peace. Despite this effort whenever we argued he would still swear etc. He would promise to stop and then still repeat thus behaviour once we got into an argument.

 

The pastor spoke candidly to him about how much this was hurting me and how unhealthy this would be for a marriage. He acknowledged that it was wrong and said he would stop this type of behaviour.

 

So we got married and of course it didn't get any better...furthermore it seemed to get worse at times. I am trying to be fair here and admit that at times I can carry on an argument way too long and this might provoke him in some way but still I don't think cursing someone is ever justified. So I realised that I needed to know when to stop talking or try not to day something that might upset him. This helped somewhat but then he would still get upset from time to time and raise his voice at me. His favorite thing to say to me is that I'm "annoying" or that I'm a "nuisance" whenever we get into a bad argument. At times he even says "f*** you". I must admit that ive returned the favor and said terrible things just the same as I never want him to feel like he is scaring me or hurting me. But sometimes it's just too much and I cry or leave the room sad etc.

 

I keep telling him that i don't want this type of behavior to continue especially if we plan to build a family together. I truly believe that I know where this anger comes from. He had a hard time growing up and a lot of responsibility was placed on him at a young age and his brother basically abandoned the family to make a better life for himself. So my husband had to take on all the burdens and is still doing so. He is constantly balancing financial issues for his parents and himself. Also his mother is very needy and they are very close. I know he feels like it's too much at times and I get it but I shouldn't have to suffer because of his burdens and deep rooted emotional issues.

 

There is just so much to type but my fingers are tired. I hope I've been able to explain fairly what's happening here. I truly do not know how to deal with this anymore. I want him to change but I know I can't change him but at the same time I want to stay and build our family and our dreams together. He is also a big part of my small business and it's been doing pretty well. He helps soon much without asking for payment just because he wants us to grow together. He also has his own small business which is finally growing also. My family loves him and I also get along very well with his family.

 

Plead help someone. Tell me what to do..

[d0nnivain]

The swearing is bad but not insurmountable. Get real MC from a licensed therapist not a clergy person. If you can get your husband to make a real effort to lessen the cursing consider it a victory & don't let an occasional F-bomb said in frustration derail your marriage.

[KAngel]

Thanks for your reply. I have been thinking about getting marital counselling but I really don't think he will be open to it because he doesn't even think the issue is that serious. He keeps saying he will do better and he does improve at times but then he falls back into this type of behavior.

[KAngel]

Have you suggested marriage counseling to help give guidance for improved communication and how to deal better with his anger?

 

Not seriously but he doesn't have much faith in counselling and psychologists. Also he doesn't believe our issues are serious enough for that. It's like he doesn't realise how much it hurts me when he speaks to me in this manner. He is also a very private person and will not want to share his issues with a stranger.

[KAngel]

The swearing is bad but not insurmountable. Get real MC from a licensed therapist not a clergy person. If you can get your husband to make a real effort to lessen the cursing consider it a victory & don't let an occasional F-bomb said in frustration derail your marriage.

 

I agree that we need counselling but I don't think he will be open to it. To be honest when I get really upset and tell him how much it affects me he improves for a while but then he falls right back into thus type of behaviour after a while. Thanks for the encouragement by the way.. I appreciate it.

[KAngel]

He may decide to do counseling if he understands his other option is divorce.

 

You're right. I have to be really strong to do this though. I'm afraid that he won't take me seriously and view it as an empty theat....

[Driver]

From what you're saying I don't get the vibe your marriage is doomed... but I get the vibe that you're hurting and his behavior is driving a wedge between you. Eventually so much resentment will build. Clearly your husband doesn't understand how much the harsh words are hurting you. I agree with the above replies about counseling. I also suggest you read 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work (or something like that... haha). Great book especially the first few chapters when it talks about toxic communication patterns.

[elaine567]

So we got married and of course it didn't get any better...furthermore it seemed to get worse at times. I am trying to be fair here and admit that at times I can carry on an argument way too long and this might provoke him in some way but still I don't think cursing someone is ever justified. So I realised that I needed to know when to stop talking or try not to day something that might upset him. This helped somewhat but then he would still get upset from time to time and raise his voice at me.

 

You are now walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke him.

You can't live your life like that.

You have to make him realise that if he won't change and he won't get help then you will walk, you will have on other option.

 

In the meantime DO NOT bring any children into this situation.

 

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

[KAngel]

Have you suggested marriage counseling to help give guidance for improved communication and how to deal better with his anger?

 

You are now walking on eggshells, trying not to provoke him.

You can't live your life like that.

You have to make him realise that if he won't change and he won't get help then you will walk, you will have on other option.

 

In the meantime DO NOT bring any children into this situation.

 

https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

 

Yes that's exactly how I feel - like I'm walking on eggshells and I really don't like this feeling. Sigh! As for the children part we have actually been trying to get pregnant and we haven't as yet...sometimes I wonder if God doesn't want us to bring a child into the marriage yet because of this same issue. Thanks for sharing the link...

[darkmoon]

what do you want more?

 

kids or a bad husband?

 

quit while you are still fertile

[KAngel]

From what you're saying I don't get the vibe your marriage is doomed... but I get the vibe that you're hurting and his behavior is driving a wedge between you. Eventually so much resentment will build. Clearly your husband doesn't understand how much the harsh words are hurting you. I agree with the above replies about counseling. I also suggest you read 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work (or something like that... haha). Great book especially the first few chapters when it talks about toxic communication patterns.

 

 

Thanks I've never heard of the book but I will look for it. You're right he doesn't realise how much he hurts me with his words. Actually we got into an argument last night which is what drove me to join this forum and share my experience because I needed to get it off my chest. I don't really want to tell my family because they will view him in a different light and I know things will never be the same. I tell myself that no marriage is perfect but I shouldn't have to live this way. I have other female friends who have major marital issues including infidelity and I always ask myself which is better. Honestly I don't think I could deal with the infidelity but at the same time this feels like too much to handle as well. It's just hard because I know he's a good person otherwise and I feel like it's not grounds for divorce but then at the same time how I can go through our marriage dealing with this recurring issue that doesn't seem to be improving. Sigh!

[Unforseen]

Thanks I've never heard of the book but I will look for it. You're right he doesn't realise how much he hurts me with his words. Actually we got into an argument last night which is what drove me to join this forum and share my experience because I needed to get it off my chest. I don't really want to tell my family because they will view him in a different light and I know things will never be the same. I tell myself that no marriage is perfect but I shouldn't have to live this way. I have other female friends who have major marital issues including infidelity and I always ask myself which is better. Honestly I don't think I could deal with the infidelity but at the same time this feels like too much to handle as well. It's just hard because I know he's a good person otherwise and I feel like it's not grounds for divorce but then at the same time how I can go through our marriage dealing with this recurring issue that doesn't seem to be improving. Sigh!

 

Here is another one to add to your reading list since you are of a spiritual nature.

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0849948584/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

 

No, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or be worried that you will say something wrong and send him into a rage. However, there are many years of bad habits and disrespect in your marriage and that will take time and effort to correct. What my wife has been practicing with me is using a simple phrase like "Ouch that really hurt" to let me know in the heat of battle that I've gone to far and said something that really hurt her. It has taken her years to learn to not be defensive and fight back when I do something stupid and hurt her feelings. Now that little phrase stops me dead in my tracks and lets me see that I've treated her in an unloving way and need to correct that without feeling like she is disrespecting me.

 

Like I said though we've been working hard at that for almost 2 years and we both still mess up from time to time. The progress and little victory that we can see each time we stop an argument from going to a full on brawl though keeps us working at improving. It took us about 6 months of MC to really learn how to talk and listen to eachother so that we can be able to express both good and bad feelings without resorting to tearing eachother apart in foolish pride to have the last word or "win" an argument. It has been absolutely worth it though.

[elaine567]

Yes that's exactly how I feel - like I'm walking on eggshells and I really don't like this feeling. Sigh! As for the children part we have actually been trying to get pregnant and we haven't as yet...sometimes I wonder if God doesn't want us to bring a child into the marriage yet because of this same issue. Thanks for sharing the link...

 

Don't rely on God here, get back on the contraception ASAP.

A baby will make things worse and the poor thing will end up psychologically damaged if it has to put up with you two fighting with each other all the time.

It will soon learn that Daddy yells and gets angry, and Mommy walks on eggshells in order not to provoke him. Those are not excellent role modes for any child.

Getting divorced may be bad enough, but getting a divorce with a small baby in tow will not be good for anyone.

[InvisiBlonde]

He is also a very private person and will not want to share his issues with a stranger.

 

I have been living with an emotionally- and verbally-abusive man for more than twenty years.

 

Please don't have any children!

 

You describe your situation in such reasonable terms.

 

I wonder.

 

Check out Verbal Abuse Journals: Domestic Violence & Abuse Exposed |

 

Read about Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

No, you didn't misunderstand. No, it wasn't you. No, he doesn't feel bad that you're curled up sobbing in a ball on the floor: He's eating it up.

 

It NEVER gets better. You think you're feeling punched in the guts now?

[Downtown]

However as the years went on the anger issues started to surface.

KAngel, it would be helpful to know whether your H's rages are triggered only by you and a few close relatives -- or, rather, by anyone (e.g., by strangers, coworkers or clients in your business)?

 

Also, do you see any signs he has a strong fear of abandonment? That fear usually is most evident, e.g., in irrational jealousy whenever you spend substantial time with your own friends or other family members -- or jealousy whenever he catches you talking to, or looking at, other young men.

 

Finally, do you see strong signs of a lack of impulse control? It would be evident, e.g., in binge eating/drinking or spending splurges or other reckless behaviors -- or an inability to regulate his own emotions.

[Rach_and_roll]

That is a horrendous situation because he sounds like a geniunly nice guy who suffers from deep seated emotional issues. I recommend if insurance allows him to get private therapy like CBT. its not a both of you issue you can fix, he has to fix it. I really wish you the best and him too. I highly recommend therapy i do it for myself for issues and truama from my childhood to prevent my interpersonal relationships from suffering. I still go and its an amazing tool. Good luck, and id read on how to support him by the way. there are allot of books out there on it.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Rach_and_roll