suckered Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I met a guy from OLD for a drink last night. We got along really well and ended up staying there for over 3 hours. I thought it may be a beginning of something. Today I received a text that it was fun meeting me but that he likes to be honest with people and would like to remain friends and do something again soon if I am up for it. Ouch. First time it happened to me. I would have preferred not to have heard from him again. I just feel kind of down that he basically didn't find me attractive. I keep thinking it must be the 10lbs I put on recently. Anyway, I don't have that many friends but staying friends with him would only make me feel worse right?
preraph Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He'll probably only actually be a friend until he finds someone else, and also as convoluted as things are these days, he might mean "friend with benefits" or not. If you're not comfortable, tell him you better concentrate on finding a real boyfriend. P.S. If he has a 10-pound weight gain limit, he's not going to be able to stay with anybody anyway, is he, much less have kids with them! 3
Author suckered Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 I never contacted him after the date/first meet and no plans were made. Before the date we barely exchanged a few messages. There so need to initiate contact just to reject me. I didn't respond at all and don't plan to. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 It may make you feel worse but since it was only 1 date, if you really don't have anybody else to go out with, consider him plan C. Grab another drink with him, Dutch treat, but check out who else may be in the bar. This way you don't have all your eggs in the OLD basket. 1
mightycpa Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 If it WAS the weight, then you got some valuable feedback. More likely, just no spark. It doesn't mean you can't be friends. He might know some guys, you might know some gals, and if you play your cards right, he could be an endless source of dates for you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You're definitely not better of if he decides you're not worth even knowing.
greymatter Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I understand how you feel. I was friendzoned in April after a 2nd date by someone I liked a lot and then he did a 180 after giving me a lot of attention and two really nice dates. And now...we have remained friends and he is adding something to my life. I had a few dates since then that really helped me move on from the romantic rejection. I suspect the same will happen for you.
Author suckered Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 I ended up responding that I would like to stay in touch. He immediately asked me to have dinner with him in 2 days. It's pretty confusing. I just hope he is not trying for "friends with benefits".
starrynight4321 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 1. Do not stay friends with him. 2. Please, for the love of everything, do NOT tell yourself it's because you're not attractive! Don't project your insecurities! There could literally be a million reasons why he didn't want to pursue the relationship. Think about it - when you reject someone, is it always because you think they're fat hideous monsters? I'll bet not! Sometimes you might not feel you have enough in common, conversation isn't natural enough, you're not looking for the same thing, your personalities are too different, your views don't sync, your values don't sync, or yea- it could be something physical. But for every guy that rejects you for any of these things, there is a guy out there looking for just what you have to offer. It is a sucky feeling, but you just have to keep trying until you meet someone better suited to you.
starrynight4321 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I ended up responding that I would like to stay in touch. He immediately asked me to have dinner with him in 2 days. It's pretty confusing. I just hope he is not trying for "friends with benefits". Girl, do not stay friends with him. That is exactly what he's setting you up for. He already told you he is not interested in being more than friends. You know you are not looking for a platonic friend. And I assume you're not looking for friends with benefits? Why waste your time? If you go out with him again, trust me the dynamic will be totally different. He'll be totally great, kind friendly etc - to get you to let your guard down. Then, slowly it will turn sexual. And then before you know it, you're upset that it's not moving forward and he'll bust out the old "but I told you I only wanted to be friends..." Why go through the hassle of trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you when you could be putting that energy into meeting someone who DOES want to be with you? Spare yourself the pain. 4
Author suckered Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 You are right starrynight4321. I just get a bad vibe from him asking me to dinner so soon. It's like he put a disclaimer out that he just want to be friends and he can make any moves he wants guilt free. It will be my own fault if I read into it. 1
starrynight4321 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 You are right starrynight4321. I just get a bad vibe from him asking me to dinner so soon. It's like he put a disclaimer out that he just want to be friends and he can make any moves he wants guilt free. It will be my own fault if I read into it. EXACTLY! He can date whoever he wants, have sex with whoever he wants, and even have sex with you (if you allow it) on the basis that he just wants to be friends. You get nothing in return but confusion and a slow chipping away at your self-esteem. He asks so soon because he's banking on what most guys bank on in this type of situation - they are hoping that by rejecting you and then hanging out with you, you're going to be so eager to show them that you're better than they thought, that you're just going to play along and do whatever he wants. Don't fall for it. Your attitude should always be that you don't want anyone who doesn't want you! Good luck. 5
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I would not accept his dinner invitation. The risks outweigh the rewards here. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I met a guy from OLD for a drink last night. We got along really well and ended up staying there for over 3 hours. I thought it may be a beginning of something. Today I received a text that it was fun meeting me but that he likes to be honest with people and would like to remain friends and do something again soon if I am up for it. Ouch. First time it happened to me. I would have preferred not to have heard from him again. I just feel kind of down that he basically didn't find me attractive. I keep thinking it must be the 10lbs I put on recently. Anyway, I don't have that many friends but staying friends with him would only make me feel worse right? You have absolutely no idea why he "friendzoned" you. You are making assumptions. If you are going to make assumptions, err on the more positive side -- i.e. you two just weren't a good match for one reason or another and that is the purpose of going on dates -- to see if there is enough there to want to keep dating them. You yourself may have decided you didn't want to see him again -- looks, personality, etc. It doesn't mean you were lacking in any way. Whatever it was it's just not his cup of tea. Not something wrong with you. 1
kendahke Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I met a guy from OLD for a drink last night. We got along really well and ended up staying there for over 3 hours. I thought it may be a beginning of something. Today I received a text that it was fun meeting me but that he likes to be honest with people and would like to remain friends and do something again soon if I am up for it. Ouch. First time it happened to me. I would have preferred not to have heard from him again. I just feel kind of down that he basically didn't find me attractive. I keep thinking it must be the 10lbs I put on recently. Anyway, I don't have that many friends but staying friends with him would only make me feel worse right? Yes. You don't want him as a friend: you want him as your lover, so friendship isn't going to work for you. It's not the "in" to his heart you think it is and you can't manipulate him into it using friendship. It has nothing to do with the 10lbs. It has to do with him not feeling you're a good match for him. It's far better that they tell you and stop you from building your artificial construct around them and investing in it. You'd be far more hurt if he didn't say anything and either just vaporized or led you on and then dropped you on your head. 3
greymatter Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I guess my situation is different because I'm no longer interested in a relationship with him, but really like him as a friend.
Dis Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Girl I totally get where you're coming from I think we have a similar mindset and I can tell you if you do continue on as 'friends' with this guy you're in for a lot of disapointment and hurt feelings Making friends is great...but not with the guy you went on a date with...who you view as more than a friend....and who also rejected you He's not friend material I can almost guarantee you after every time you see him in the future it'll feel like repetitive rejection Plus he'll probably try to get some from you...no strings attached because you're just 'friends' right? Best to block, delete and move on to the next guy who feels it with you 4
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 IMO the friend zone is totally different for women...you are a back burner girl who might cave in for sex...that is their hope what will happen. For women it's about getting attention and having a BF without benefits. 2
The Urbanyst Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I met a guy from OLD for a drink last night. We got along really well and ended up staying there for over 3 hours. I thought it may be a beginning of something. Today I received a text that it was fun meeting me but that he likes to be honest with people and would like to remain friends and do something again soon if I am up for it. Ouch. First time it happened to me. I would have preferred not to have heard from him again. I just feel kind of down that he basically didn't find me attractive. I keep thinking it must be the 10lbs I put on recently. Anyway, I don't have that many friends but staying friends with him would only make me feel worse right? Do you have short hair? I once met a woman online who looked hot in her pics and had long sexy hair. Then on the first date she shows up with very short hair like a man. I lost interest immediately.
Author suckered Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 Do you have short hair? I once met a woman online who looked hot in her pics and had long sexy hair. Then on the first date she shows up with very short hair like a man. I lost interest immediately. No I don't have short hair.
lurker74 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I honestly don't see what the problem is. If you like hanging out with him, hang out with him. And if it gets to a point that you want a relationship with him that he doesn't want, then end it. It's really that simple. It's exactly like Dalton said in Roadhouse, "Be nice, until it's time to not be nice." I can tell you from my less mature days, if I wanted to just sleep with you, I would have strung you along, not told you let's be friends.
kendahke Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 Do you have short hair? I once met a woman online who looked hot in her pics and had long sexy hair. Then on the first date she shows up with very short hair like a man. I lost interest immediately. That's you and your preference, not OP's guy. Every guy doesn't like the exact same things.
leogirl876 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I would simply say to him, "thanks for the dinner offer, but I'm not interested in being your friend or any other guy's friend. I'm looking for a meaningful relationship, and since it's not going to be you, I wish you the best". And then silence. I think he's friendzoning you hoping you'll become a FWB, screw that!!! 1
leogirl876 Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 IMO the friend zone is totally different for women...you are a back burner girl who might cave in for sex...that is their hope what will happen. For women it's about getting attention and having a BF without benefits. This is very true!!! A girl getting friendzoned is a girl the guy doesn't like very much but is willing to have sex with her and use her as a FWB, a guy getting friendzoned is a guy we enjoy attention and boyfriend benefits with, without having to have sex with them because we're not attracted to him. Either way, it's not good for the person getting friendzoned. Say goodbye to this guy and never look back! You are NEVER to be a backburner person. Your attitude is "you don't want to date me? Wow, you must have mental issues!"
jessiesgurl Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) You have absolutely no idea why he "friendzoned" you. You are making assumptions. If you are going to make assumptions, err on the more positive side -- i.e. you two just weren't a good match for one reason or another and that is the purpose of going on dates -- to see if there is enough there to want to keep dating them. You yourself may have decided you didn't want to see him again -- looks, personality, etc. It doesn't mean you were lacking in any way. Whatever it was it's just not his cup of tea. Not something wrong with you. This^. When I was very young, like late teens, early 20s, I dabbled for a bit in OLD. I did it years later too for a little while and realized it wasn't for me. Anyway, when I dabbled when I was very young, insecure and totally unaware of myself or much of anything else, I used to meet these guys and keep a running total of how many wanted to see me again. It didn't matter whether or not I wanted to see them again (usually not), ALL I cared about was whether they liked me. I notice other people (men and women) doing that too today. WRONG way to approach this imo. OP, I have to ask. Did you like him? I mean really like him, feel a spark/chemistry whatever folks are calling it? I bet if you think about it hard enough, you will determine that YOU didn't like him all that much either. I mean, two people either click or they don't, it's a mutual thing. He didn't and I very highly doubt it had anything to do with the extra 10 lbs. It's nothing to take personally. Keep meeting men and eventually you will meet a man with whom you DO click. In the meantime, chin up. And if YOU think you should lose that 10 lbs, then do it for you. Not to get a man or anything else. Do it for YOU. The better you feel about yourself, the more men you will attract and the more men YOU will be attracted to as well. Good luck! Edited June 7, 2017 by jessiesgurl
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 IMO the friend zone is totally different for women...you are a back burner girl who might cave in for sex...that is their hope what will happen. For women it's about getting attention and having a BF without benefits. I don't agree with this. If guys want sex, and the woman is of the 'back-burner' variety attractive, then that guy will follow through with the full dating ritual until he gets some ... and then he will friendzone the woman. 2
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