Jillybeanqueen Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) Hi guys, So over the weekend, I’m ashamed to say I got very drunk and showed up unannounced at the house of the guy I like/was casually seeing. We haven’t been spending all that much time together but we have been communicating enough that I formed silly expectations and thought he felt the same way. It was intense and suffice to say after much pressing and texting back and forth, he no longer has romantic feelings for me. We chatted on the phone about it last night. He thinks I’m amazing and wants to keep me in his life. I sent him a message afterwards saying that if we were going to be friends then I needed to air a couple of grievances. That I knew I was in the wrong, and I wanted him to understand just saying ‘well we were still getting to know each other’ was no excuse for the lack of communication (he would only respond every so often but had assured me he liked me, he was receptive to future dates and meeting friends etc’. I just really don't want to have feelings lingering around if we are going to have a friendship. So I have two questions. Has anybody epically ****ed up like this? AND Do you think it’s possible to come back from this? He’s told me he doesn’t think any less of me from my behaviour, but that at this point in time he has no romantic feelings for me, and the chances of it reigniting are slim. I'm finding trouble dealing with my decision. Not so much because it cost me a potentially great guy, but mainly because I thought I'd never ever do something like that. All I can do is move on and become better from it. It's so awful because I remember specifically having a conversation with him about this and telling him I'd never do that. I’m curious because there are so many things my friends have done that have been so OTT and kind crazy, and yet their guys have stuck around. All I can devise from this is that he liked me enough to keep my interest but not enough to be completely clear communicatively. He told me he just can't talk about those things in this stage of his life. He finds it super difficult. Have any of you ****ed up like this, focused on a friendship and then had it turn back into a relationship? That's not something I'm going to bank on, I am just curious. Everybody has had a mixed reception to my actions. Some (including myself) find it awful, others don't think it's a big deal and think that if he liked me enough he wouldn't dumped me over it. EDIT: Just as an added note, he had repeatedly told me that he couldn't talk about this now and to give him a few weeks. But I was so unsure of where I stood, and always had to push for communication from him that I just let my drunk gut take over and it ended awfully. Edited June 5, 2017 by Jillybeanqueen More information
preraph Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Look, remember this. When someone is really interested in you back, there is none of this struggling to get them to talk or go out or call back. As soon as that happens, just know, they are not into you but if you make yourself that easy, they may sleep with you and that is it. He doesn't want to talk about it at all because for him, there is no "it" to talk about. He was never really considering you as a girlfriend so he feels you were never an item so why should he have to explain himself. Leave this guy alone and don't try to be friends with him because it's clear you are not going to stay inside the boundaries and he will just have to humiliate you to get rid of you. Find a guy who is as eager to be with you and talk to you as you are him. Move on from the ones who aren't. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 You showing up drunk didn't cause his feelings to go away. They weren't there in the first place which is why you got lukewarm responses. The drunken behavior is just an excuse for him to end something that wasn't working for him anyway. You can't be friends with him when you want him romantically. What are you expecting he'll tell you all about the new girl he's dating? It's not like she will be happy about your presence. At best you get indifference & no hard feelings but no friendship. You are pleasant if you accidently bump into one another but nothing more. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 He wasn't on-board to begin with, so showing up drunk didn't change anything, in that sense. It was not a wise move and if anything he probably feels a bit bad for you, but he wasn't that interested anymore anyway. That much is clear from your concern that he was inconsistent in communicating - guys who are interested and truly like you will act that way. You need to let this go. He doesn't feel the way about you that you do about him, and this episode just brought all of these issues to the surface. He is trying to tell you in several different ways that he's not into you - listen to that so you can move on. Forget about friendship right now, too. It won't be possible because you have feelings and he doesn't; it will hurt you to try to be friendly with him.
spiderowl Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 People have different paces for becoming attached. As far as I can see, at first it is wise not to rush the pace of responses but to be encouraging if you do want more responses. If things do not develop within a few weeks to the point where you feel comfortable with response times or the kind of interest the guy is showing, then it suggests they are not as invested as you. Maybe that is the time to back off not push. If you back off and invest less in him, he has the choice of letting that happen or making more of an effort to meet you half way. I think there needs to be a balance both can feel reasonably comfortable with. You already know that turning up drunk is not the way to deal with this. It comes across as stalkerish though I know that is not what you intended. I suspect this is partly why he has shut down mentally now. But, it could also be that he was not as invested as you from the start so it is easy for him to opt out. Anyone prefers to make their own choices about how much they want to invest in someone. The minute you start making demands, you take away their sense of choice and they are bound to retreat. If you invest no more time, texts, calls than they do, then you pretty quickly find out whether they are invested or not and save yourself the hassle of doing all the work in the relationship.
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