Author CrushingHope Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 His birthday is next week. I won't text him. I will want to. He texted me the day before my bday and said "I know I'm a day early, but happy birthday". I hadn't talked to him in 2 months at that point so I know he was looking for a reason to message me. It made me so happy and so sad at the same time.
jessiesgurl Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 I think you should go no contact for you. Not as any type of strategy to win him back, that's a game and can't stand games. But often times, when a woman decides to go complete no contact, it has resulted in her ex wondering about her, missing her and maybe, maybe wanting her back. This happened to a friend of mine, and they are now married with two kids. Anwyay, if that does happen, and he misses you wants you back, that doesn't automatically mean you jump right back in. Because once you're in his life again, the same ole thing could happen again. So be careful with that type of thinking. Also, you don't know what he's actually feeling right now towards his new girlfriend, do you? Unless you're physic, so stop worrying about his new relationship and what's going on. Worry about YOURSELF and moving on. And I think it's time you go no contact. For a long time. Once you're in a better place emotionally and want to get back in touch, then do so. Like I said, I did that and it actually confirmed for me that I had, in fact, moved on and was over them. It happened that way with two different guys. 1
jessiesgurl Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 His birthday is next week. I won't text him. I will want to. He texted me the day before my bday and said "I know I'm a day early, but happy birthday". I hadn't talked to him in 2 months at that point so I know he was looking for a reason to message me. It made me so happy and so sad at the same time. Yeah don't text him. You may feel mean, but don't worry about that. This is about you right now and moving forward. As I said, later, when you are in a better place emotionally you can reconnect. With no expectation of getting back together. Just to check in and confirm that, for you, it's over for good.
Author CrushingHope Posted June 7, 2017 Author Posted June 7, 2017 How did that confirm for you that it was over? I am not into games either. I hate them. I know NC would be the only way to get over him and the only way to get back with him so it's a no-brainer. It's just hard when all I want to do is talk to him. But I get that I have to exercise some restraint. I do feel like it will feel mean not to wish him a happy birthday. But it's not nearly as mean as what he has done to me, I have to keep reminding myself. 1
jessiesgurl Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 (edited) How did that confirm for you that it was over? I am not into games either. I hate them. I know NC would be the only way to get over him and the only way to get back with him so it's a no-brainer. It's just hard when all I want to do is talk to him. But I get that I have to exercise some restraint. I do feel like it will feel mean not to wish him a happy birthday. But it's not nearly as mean as what he has done to me, I have to keep reminding myself. Well before I reached out, I made sure I was in a good emotional place. A place where it wouldn't have mattered whether he replied back or not. A sort of indifference. THAT is where you want to be before you break no contact. Then, once I broke no contact, by actually NOT stressing about whether or not he replied back, actually not caring either way, THAT is when I knew for sure I had moved on for good. The key is to be a good emotional place, an indifference to it if you will, before you reach out again. It worked the same (for me) when my ex, with whom I had been in a LTR, was the one who broke no contact. I had been thinking about him for a long time, wondering all sort of things, missing him. Then when he contacted me months after we broke up, I actually felt sort of meh, so that is when I knew I was over him. I can't say that breaking no contact works for everyone the same, but it worked for me. Edited June 7, 2017 by jessiesgurl
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 It's his birthday today and I'm on about 10 days of NC and I just want to text him so badly. I miss him so much. I am remembering how we spent his birthday last year and I find it so hard to believe that he left what we had started for someone who won't even do anything special for his birthday. It breaks my heart over and over every day and I just keep wishing he will figure out that he is not obligated to stay with her. And that he deserves better But so do I, I suppose. Regardless of the reasons, he chose to be with her again after 7 years of on again off again, of abuse, alcoholism and codependence. How can he possibly be happy... Just getting thoughts out. I am so desperate to text him today but I won't. I need to maintain NC.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Good for you. Texting him Happy Birthday won't bring him back or fix any of the things that caused you to break up Hang in there. Be strong. Post here all day if you have to. 1
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 Thank you. We have been in contact over the last month and it was confusing me. He was telling me he missed me and stuff but then when I felt comfortable initiating contact, he seemed to back off a little and that made me think he was just texting to see if I was still hanging on...which is really unfair. I'm sure he will wonder why I'm not texting him today. We had gone 2 months NC before my bday and then he texted me the day before and said "i know i'm a day early, but happy birthday tomorrow"...and then he messaged me the next day too. Anyway...my plan was to be "cute" and do the same thing to him. But, then I thought "why am I doing this?" I'm trying to lure him back to me and even if it worked, that's not the way I would want him back. If he's to come back, it has to be on his own...and he has to leave her for good and that can't have anything to do with me. It just can't. I want to hear from him so badly. This feels like withdrawal from a drug...
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 Picture him spending his birthday with his alcoholic abusive on again off again merry go round buddy . . .that dysfunctional relationship that ruined yours twice On some level that will be painful for you but it ought to cure you of your desire to speak with him.
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 Thanks Donnivain. You have obviously read my previous posts...thank you for taking the time, and for messaging. It means more than you know. I am so broken from all of this. I wish it did see it the way you say. It's all I think about but I don't think about it in ways that help me. I try but then my mind always goes to "why does a woman like that, who treats me him like that, who hits him in the face, who doesn't even acknowledge his presence when he meets up with her for her daughter's highschool grad, who belittles him on social media, who got her drunk friends to call and prank us at midnight (they are 40 years old), who is physically and emotionally so unattractive GET him??! WHY does she get to have him ?? He and I had so many adventures and laughs and affection and intelligent conversation...he kept saying how he had none of those things in any other relationship.... and he leaves me to go back to that... it continues to plague me every day. I know I need to get over the idea that I will ever understand. I won't. It's the hardest part of this for me. Thanks for listening to my rant.
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 You're welcome. There is no logical reason why she "wins" his heart. On paper it makes no sense. You are so obviously the better choice. Try spinning it around to think that you deserve so much better then a guy who make such dumb choices.
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 Stillafool, I know you're right. Regardless of anything, that's where he wants to be...i do try to remind myself of that...that maybe I was too boring for him...maybe my "good" wasn't exciting enough. We had spontaneous adventures, had a great physical chemistry and so much more...but he wasn't available emotionally obviously...so there was no real hope I guess. That's why I feel like I'm waiting for him to realize that he deserves more than all of that with her. He has walked away so many times...he has told me how "horrible" it is being with her...so on some level I feel like he will finally be able to walk away for good. But maybe he won't.
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 donnivain - yes. I know. He's even said that I'm the better choice and that I don't know "what's actually going on here".. Well no...of course I don't. How could I? I have written a list of all the things about him that are so bad. The choices he makes...those are at the top of the list. How his daughter has cut ties with him because he "chooses to go back to the abuse", and he hasn't even tried to mend his relationship with her. There are SO many bad choices...but then I contribute them all to that relationship and that if he could finally leave for good and realize he deserves more, then he would go back to the person everyone tells me he was before her. But he's so damaged now. And so much has happened. The trust wouldn't be there...at least not for a very long time...and I know that would be crushing for me. But I still hope. And that's the problem. How do you give that up?
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2017 Posted June 14, 2017 You let go of the false hope by re-reading that list you made of all the reasons you are better off without him.
Author CrushingHope Posted June 14, 2017 Author Posted June 14, 2017 I will do that today. I need to. It's been a while since I read it. And it's long. There are a lot of things on there that if someone read, they would think "WTF! Why would you want to be with this guy?!?!??!" But then he sends texts about thinking about me every day etc and I think all over again "he's getting closer to walking away"... so stupid to put any hope in him. but i do. every day.it's really pathetic.
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