when your ex has never had a broken heart themselves...

[lostinmymind]

My ex seems to think that 3 months is enough time for me to be completely over her and willing to just be friends. What is she thinking!?

 

She thinks I should be fine with hanging out with a big group of people that includes her new guy!!!!!!!

 

She thinks that "this happens in life, life goes on" and that I should just accept her not wanting me anymore. She thinks I'm acting "childish" by telling her that it's hard for me to be friends and I'd rather keep my distance for now. That I need to learn how to deal with these things because they happen in life. She just will never understand until someone breaks her heart!

 

She says she still wants me in her life, just not the relationship, and that she still loves me.

 

Don't get me wrong here, she is a great person and is truly doing all she can to not lead me on. She wants to do other things and meet new people, and she makes that clear. She asks me if I don't want to do the same with other girls.

 

She thinks I'm just not over the idea of having someone and that I just want someone, not specifically her. Which unfortunately isn't the case at all.

 

Her favorite phrase to use is "things change". She tells me that once I find someone I will think this was all just silly.

 

I once told her that I miss her and that I miss having conversations with her and being with her. She says we can still do those things. I just don't know how though, without something happening that will crush me, and that she may regret or go against what she 'wants'.

 

When will she learn that it's not amazingly easy to find someone you just click with. We were supposed to go to college together this next school year, we even have apartments in the same building on the same floor. She was sooo excited and told everyone about it. Then a month later she started talking about how she needs to keep her options open and try other things and that everyone tells her that. She wants to be single and date around her first year of college all of a sudden. It honestly took 2 months for us to actually break up to the point we weren't showing physical affection for each other. I still love her so much, and I know we had something really special. I'm not going to wait around for her though, I just can't, and she doesn't want me to. I really can't imagine my life without her, we used to talk about things like we'd always be together.

 

I'll never understand what brought this all on. It's the most painful experience of my life, and she thinks it's just like getting a new car. I wish she could at least respect and understand how I feel, instead of trying to rush into this thing called 'friendship'. Just like I'm respecting her decision right now to be single and try new things.

 

I guess I just need to let her go out, make mistakes, and learn from them. Otherwise she will never truly be able to appreciate a great guy when he comes along. I'm trying to go out and do the same, but everything just feels so empty without her.

[IfiKnewThen]

i just want to respond that i really know what you mean. its frustrating when the ex whom you loved so much when you were together, thinks you get instantly get over them like a "just add water" principle. its ridiculous of people to think like that. obviously the ex didnt take your feelings for them seriously OR they are so detached and have such a fresh head from not caring enough about you, they can be so indifferent. that's all i can think of. it's ok for the two of you to be different but it really sucks when they can't acknowledge your pain and feelings and what this meant to you.

what doesnt feel ok though is them (the ex) once telling you how much you meant, only to find out they got over you just like that. but in your case, because you guys are young still, maybe you can rekindle something through a real friendship. just be honest and tell them it's too soon for you but your may be open to that possibility. honestly i wish i had remained friends with my ex. i think we might have had a shot at another chance, together, if i had. friendship (if you could stand it) might lead you back to one another. it takes, strength. time and patience though. and the ex can't abuse the privelege and you really have to be ready for it but not demanding more. if you can do that, you they may come back to you and even leave their new love. but if youre going to do something like that, a time frame needs to be put on it, so that you dont go waiting for them to turn around.....for years. and then i always say dont wait to live, live while you wait. ps i really feel for you in reading your post. for her to say when you find someone you will see how silly you were. that must have felt awful. and you are right, maybe she was never hurt before to not get what youre going through. but i am older and i only first got really hurt now at my age. things dont seem fair at times i know. but dont be sorry that you had/have feelings. thats a good thing . i know you dont want to hear this, but time will heal this and being young is a tiny advantage too. there is a lot to look forward to in terms of someone else someday in time, touching your heart again like that, and next time i hope they can return the love and relate to it like you do. in the meantime i dont think she is being mean on purpose either. she is young and exploring too. just hang in there and take care of yourself and forgive her the best way you can and stay a loving person, don't get this disappointment get the best of you.

[IfiKnewThen]

sorry its late i am sleepy and made lots of typos

[lostinmymind]

I really appreciate your advice, it actually realistically applies to my situation. Others have told me to do NC etc. How do you do NC when you live 15 feet from someone? lol I'm planning on being her friend even if it is hard, I can avoid whatever aspects of her life that I need to.

 

Thanks for taking into account my age. I'm only 19, she is only 18. We aren't exactly looking for someone to settle down with, so we don't NEED to go our seperate ways. We are still shaping our lives and discovering who we are, a little pain now and then is a good thing and only natural.

 

Yeah, some people never get hurt. I feel like she never will, she is a GORGEOUS girl with a great personality. When I say gorgeous I don't mean just to me, but to everyone! I'd be intimidated by her if I didn't know how genuine and great of a person she is inside. I feel like no guy would ever break up with her and hurt her, but who knows maybe that will only increase her chances. Great looking people get dumped too.

 

Anyways, thank you again for your advice and wisdom IfIKnewThen. I've been getting a lot better lately (I'm in an "I miss her" stage right now) and your words only helped me along a bit.

[lostinmymind]

The sad thing about breaking up with her is that it makes me realize how great of a person she is. She says she knows she is being selfish, but that she needs to do this for herself to find out what she wants. She doesn't want to be with the same person her whole life and she wants to be able to look back and remember past boyfriends, past mistakes, etc. I almost admire her courage in this, I'm more of the type who is happy with what I have. It almost makes me want to do this type of exploring as well, but I need to get past this hurt first.

 

It's almost as if she is guiding me and helping develop me as a person. It's a hard feeling to accept, I feel like I should ONLY be sad about this, but on rare occasions such as now I see this experience as possibly a good thing.

 

When I first met her she had a lot of self-esteem issues, a slight eating disorder, past family problems, and past problems with being teased all through growing up (she was THAT girl at school). I stuck with her through all this, even though at times I felt like leaving, but I wanted to help her. It really was a lot to deal with for me, but through it all I fell in love with her and her with me. I'm really happy all is better now, but I still suspect she has some self-esteem issues she is hiding and trying to deal with...in my opinion the wrong way by craving attention. It's almost like a catch-22, I am happy she has more confidence, but her new confidence is what is making her want to try new things.

 

I read somewhere that every person has multiple soulmates and that often, the connection is too strong to be sustainable or may seem unreal. You don't always spend your life with a soulmate. Maybe that is us, I don't know. It just seems that her and I constantly are recognizing and helping to correct each others problems or faults. I'm often amazed at the insight she has into what I'm thinking or my motives, she is always dead on, even if I don't admit it to her.

 

I'm not sure where I'm headed with this...I think I just wrote a stream of conscious narrative...man I'm tired, I'm up way too late...bye!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Well, it sounds like your relationship isn't the train wreck that so many people on this site have had to put up with. Your situation is cute and I think you'll be surprised how well it will work in the longer term.

 

My suggestion is to do no contact as far as geography permits. If she asks, tell her that you understand her position, but your heart needs a little time to catch up. You need some time away from her. You're not excluding friendship in the longer term, but right now, you need to take time.

 

This will do you good and let your heart get in shape. It will also remind her that other people sometimes bear the consequences of her actions.

 

Enjoy college. Date. You'll find loads of nice girls at college to choose from. Then, if it seems appropriate, come back to her as a friend later...

[Rocko]

This thread hit me dead on. Hang in there, things will work out (in some fashion or another) in the end.

 

EDIT : I would also add the suggestion, in addition to Romeo's suggestions, that you really focus on your schoolwork. I feel that now is the best time to get things such as your future career path in order. It really says a lot about you when you stand strong and focus on other important things in life.

[lostinmymind]

Yeah, my plan is to just focus on school. As it gets closer to the time I'm moving I'm getting more and more optimistic, a big change right now in lifestyle is welcome for me. I'm getting an apartment this year, no more dorms!

 

Since I posted this my ex and I have talked more. I still don't call her, she can contact me. We even hung out in a big group. She was very flirty, touchy, and sentimental with me. I avoided it though and didn't give in, I just brushed it off or refused. I won't let her have the satisfaction of just an ego boost. If how she was acting was an indication of second thoughts (as the summer is drawing to a close I'm sure she is thinking about things more) I'm gonna make sure she knows she needs to work A LOT harder to gain back my trust if that is what she intends.

 

I am really strong enough at this point to be around her without a rush of sad feelings. Which is pretty much crucial since I'll be right by her for the next year. I almost think at the very least she is going to want a physical, non-committed relationship with me. I'm really trying to evaluate whether I want that, but I'm keeping my options open. I'm not sure we will ever be able to act like just 'friend and friend' as long as we are in each other's lives. We'll see, I have more than enough time to guage her intentions and figure myself out.

 

Finally after months I am functioning close to normal again.

[Rocko]

I am really strong enough at this point to be around her without a rush of sad feelings. Which is pretty much crucial since I'll be right by her for the next year. I almost think at the very least she is going to want a physical, non-committed relationship with me. I'm really trying to evaluate whether I want that, but I'm keeping my options open.

 

I really don't think its possible to have a physical non-committed relationship without having the pain come back. Save yourself the possible heartache, and don't allow it to happen. She has to realize by herself that she cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

Don't forget to date other girls too; primarily for two reasons: 1) You'll have a better understanding of yourself and 2) She'll see that you're a valuable commodity! Don't think of it as punishing her, but rather as staying strong and following her advice.

 

EDIT : Congratulations on the Apartment, Dorm Life sucks!

[lostinmymind]

Originally posted by Rocko

I really don't think its possible to have a physical non-committed relationship without having the pain come back. Save yourself the possible heartache, and don't allow it to happen. She has to realize by herself that she cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure why I even said that earlier. It's definitely not something I want to happen. That would really be lowering or changing my own standards anyways. As nice as it would be for awhile I would definitely get myself hurt doing that.

[Rocko]

From what I've read about her, I don't think she'd be into a physical non-committed relationship either, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It does say a lot about her.

 

You have no idea how similar yours and my situation is...its very odd, hehe. But this thread has definetly given me some peace of mind, especially when it comes to being able to relate my problems to someone else.

[lostinmymind]

Originally posted by Rocko

You have no idea how similar yours and my situation is...its very odd, hehe. But this thread has definetly given me some peace of mind, especially when it comes to being able to relate my problems to someone else.

 

Well, I'm glad someone can relate to what exactly is going on with all this. It sucks when you fall in love young, especially when one in the relationship is still really trying to find out what they want or is unsure about what else they could find.

 

I'm seeing a weird change in her lately. Before, she used to avoid me and didn't respond too much when we talked. It was all very forced and she was careful with what she said and her 'cheerful-ness' level. Now she is nice, she talks to me with genuine interest, she talks about things we used to do, she doesn't seem to be worried about leading me on. I know before she was super concerned with leading me on. I'm not really sure what this signifies, if anything at all.

 

I sort of miss the closeness I had with her, I think she does too. Unfortunately, I can't offer that to her again unless she is willing to try 'us' again. Even though she seems to be trying to bring back some of the closeness we had, I'm not going to let it happen. I'm keeping my distance, it makes me feel like I have control of the situation which is a VERY good feeling.

 

I have a really positive, peaceful feeling about everything right now. I'm not going to push her, I'm not going to try to change anything. I'm just going to leave things as they are now, sure beats analyzing and obsessing! Things can only get better now.