Nothingtolose Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 While I'm still in my relationship, it has been rocky for quite some time, and I'm becoming more aware of the fact that we may not be able to save it. The thought of it hurts (because I still love him, but can't quite see a future with him the way things are now), and the thought of going back into the dating world is daunting. And to top it off I live in a city that is notoriously bad for dating and meeting decent people. Meanwhile, my friends are getting engaged/married/having kids right left and center. It's all over my social media, it's what we talk about in our get togethers, it's everywhere I look. While I'm happy for them that they found the love of their lives and things are going so well, I seem to always throw this internal pity party for myself every time I hear another engagement or pregnancy announcement. To be 100% honest, I've never had that feeling in a relationship of being 100% sure that that person is the one, that feeling of "I just knew" that people often talk about. Every relationship has had some pretty obvious issues/red flags and I know I've got myself to blame for that, for often ignoring my gut and going with my heart and not my head when I meet someone. Even if I do start the search all over again, I'm afraid that meeting this person may never actually happen for me. And before anyone suggests working on myself...doing that already. Counselling sessions, books, podcasts, uncovering my emotional traumas etc. Live on my own, moved countries a few times on my own, travelled solo a bunch. I know how to enjoy my life and be happy and do my own thing. But I also want so badly what everyone seem to be able to achieve so easily and often seems like an impossible dream for me.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 My heart goes out to you. It's OK to feel the way you're feeling. I don't have any sage words of wisdom, but just wanted to validate your feelings. I went through something similar with a struggle with infertility many moons ago, so I get it. It's really hard to see everyone else getting what you so desire, isn't it?
Author Nothingtolose Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 My heart goes out to you. It's OK to feel the way you're feeling. I don't have any sage words of wisdom, but just wanted to validate your feelings. I went through something similar with a struggle with infertility many moons ago, so I get it. It's really hard to see everyone else getting what you so desire, isn't it? Thank you <3 I am also taking fertility tests for the first time in my life, just to find out if there's any reason for me to worry at all. I'm 33 and being a mom has always been a dream of mine, so I'm starting to put some money aside to get my eggs frozen in a couple of years if I get to 35 and happen to be single. Did you end up coming to terms with the infertility, does it still affect you? I'm sorry to hear you went through that, it must have been very difficult One of my closest friends got engaged today. I actually really am happy for her because I'm quite good friends with both her and her man, and they are an adorable couple. They've been together 5 years and are more in love and in sync than ever, and I often look at what they have and wonder what it's like to have that kind of healthy, stable, loving relationship with minimal fighting and lots of common interests. It's never happened for me.
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Been there. Done that. Have the t-shirt. When they get engaged, plaster the best (fake) smile you can on your face & try to be genuinely happy for them. Remind yourself that their engagements prove love is still possible. Go to what you can stomach of their happy events & skip what you can't tolerate but always send a gift. 2
Author Nothingtolose Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 It's easier to feel happy for the people you genuinely love and care about (this friend of mine is a good example). I know she's been wanting him to propose for at least 2 years, so I'm happy for her that it finally happened, they've been together a long time. I think it "annoys" me more when it's people I don't really care that much about, or who started dating and got a proposal within less than a year. It gives me that feeling of "how did you get lucky that way?" - because just as I've never felt that certain that I met my 'soulmate', I also believe that no man has ever felt that certainty about me - I've had two long term/ co-habitating relationships and never been proposed to (although the first one we were very young and the second one is the one I'm in now - very rocky, lots of issues). It's so stupid but it feels like being given that ring would be a validation of some sort, that I'm worthy of a 'forever', that someone looked at me and felt that out of the billions of people in the world, I was the one they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 It's easier to feel happy for the people you genuinely love and care about (this friend of mine is a good example). I know she's been wanting him to propose for at least 2 years, so I'm happy for her that it finally happened, they've been together a long time. I think it "annoys" me more when it's people I don't really care that much about, or who started dating and got a proposal within less than a year. It gives me that feeling of "how did you get lucky that way?" - because just as I've never felt that certain that I met my 'soulmate', I also believe that no man has ever felt that certainty about me - I've had two long term/ co-habitating relationships and never been proposed to (although the first one we were very young and the second one is the one I'm in now - very rocky, lots of issues). It's so stupid but it feels like being given that ring would be a validation of some sort, that I'm worthy of a 'forever', that someone looked at me and felt that out of the billions of people in the world, I was the one they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. That's not stupid. BUT, you absolutely ARE worthy even without that ring. I can tell that just by the few posts I've read of yours from just joining this site this morning! 1
Author Nothingtolose Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 @CautiouslyOptimistic - that is such a lovely thing to say to someone, thank you so much <3 I'm so used to negative and judgemental posts on the internet, that reading something like this just makes me regain faith in people all over again
avvril3000 Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 I know how you felt. I was exactly in your position just before i met my last boyfriend. Before i met him, all my relationships had something that wasn't quite right about it, whether it was a mild case of it or a very toxic bad case of it, i never saw my future with them, and even when i tried to see it as hard as i could, i couldnt coz it didnt make sense with the situation we were in. After my last relationship failed and blew up in my face, I was certain i would never find the one. I was certain i wouldnt love again, even. Or connect with anybody again. I saw everyone's relationship on facebook and other social media progress, grow, move forward onto marriage and kids. lots and lots and lots of posts. And it made me more depression. What got me through, is still having my own dreams for myself. That if i really wanted a kid one day, i would make it happen myself. That no guy or the lack of, would stop me from wanting to do it if thats what i full on desired. And one day, out of the blue, at an art show, i met my dream man inside and out. And while we're not yet engaged, we are talking about the future and marriage and kids and we have plans. So, dont give up hope to find your partner, but keep moving towards your own dreams.
Author Nothingtolose Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 I know how you felt. I was exactly in your position just before i met my last boyfriend. Before i met him, all my relationships had something that wasn't quite right about it, whether it was a mild case of it or a very toxic bad case of it, i never saw my future with them, and even when i tried to see it as hard as i could, i couldnt coz it didnt make sense with the situation we were in. After my last relationship failed and blew up in my face, I was certain i would never find the one. I was certain i wouldnt love again, even. Or connect with anybody again. I saw everyone's relationship on facebook and other social media progress, grow, move forward onto marriage and kids. lots and lots and lots of posts. And it made me more depression. What got me through, is still having my own dreams for myself. That if i really wanted a kid one day, i would make it happen myself. That no guy or the lack of, would stop me from wanting to do it if thats what i full on desired. And one day, out of the blue, at an art show, i met my dream man inside and out. And while we're not yet engaged, we are talking about the future and marriage and kids and we have plans. So, dont give up hope to find your partner, but keep moving towards your own dreams. That is so nice, thank you for sharing! I've been thinking about that more and more, which is why I've decided to start saving for egg freezing. It costs about 10K, which I can save in a couple of years, so I can get it done by the time I'm 35 if I need to. That will take some of the pressure off so I don't need to let my ovaries dictate my love life. I want to be able to be a mom with or without a man, so if I know I have that back up plan, it will help put my mind at ease.
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