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Posted

I have seen many threads on here from men and women who say their spouse is no longer interested in physical intimacy with them. I haven't sen nearly as many by the spouses with low interest.

 

If you fall into the "low interest" category, why? Why are you not interested in physical intimacy with your husband or wife? Have you talked to them about it? if so, what were the results?

Posted

I was once a married wife of 15 years who was not interested in intimacy with her husband. Through our marriage many times I turned my back on being intimate with him.

 

The answer is simple: I did not feel loved or desired.

 

I remember telling him that making love started with him kissing me good bye in the morning, it started with being nice with me once in a while, it started with making me feel beautiful and desired.

 

He didn't get it and I slowly fell out of love.

  • Like 12
Posted

Yeah, in my first marriage, I was initially really attracted to him. But he changed and became really self absorbed. Looking back, possibly undiagnosed depression - but depression wasn't a think back in the 80's.

 

Anyway, he would never go out with me. Not even to give me company while doing the groceries. He was always angry and stressed with work but wouldn't find a new job "What other job can I do?" he would say. He lost a lot of weight but wouldn't buy new clothes which fitted nicely.

 

At the time, I didn't realise there was a connection between emotional attraction and physical attraction. I did speak to him about the lack of emotional attraction but he refused counselling. I sought help for the lack of sexual desire, but nobody back then spelled out that problems in the bedroom often stem from problems outside the bedroom.

 

A couple of affairs on my part showed me there was nothing wrong with my libido. In the end, I left. And never looked back.

  • Like 7
Posted

There are exceptions, but I venture to say most women lose sexual desire for their partner when they are being treated badly and neglectfully and even sometimes just because they're been together too long and it's like living with a relative at some point more than a lover.

 

Men think no matter how bad it is, they still want to have sex, like it's a totally separate thing, but not with most women. If you've made them feel like crap, they have not lost sexual desire. They have just lost it with you.

When they don't love you anymore or sometimes rarely in a different way, sexual desire dies.

  • Like 11
Posted

My H never made us a priority. His FOO always comes first or what he wants to do. I spent most holidays with my kids without him b/c he wouldn't go with me to visit my family, but went to his. His live in our city. There is so much more, but one day, after years of feeling alone in our M, I lost all desire. He'd tell me "F no" when I would suggest we attend couples therapy or something to help us communicate. He'd tell me "I don't give a "F" what you do. So, I obliged. Now he sees it and questions why I have changed, that he is who he always was. Yep.....

 

It's too late now and I can't get it back and feel nothing. I don't want him to touch me and we haven't been intimate in over a year.

  • Like 2
Posted

my ex and i were talking the other day(he split with his partner about eight months ago) and he told me physically the intimacy went after ten years that they were together...we were together fifteen and the intimacy never went....because i really did work at keeping it alive......they started not spending time together.....they would go out separately....and like in our relationship alcohol was a major component.....he cheated on me at a work party and ended up leaving me for her.....she drinks as well...and i dont.....

 

he is actually in love with her..she is seeing someone else already....sort of hurts me....because i have to say, he never loved me as much......sexually it was always intense because i kept it there.....because i loved him...i wanted him to feel satisfied and happy...he just didnt love me enough.....sex is something that has to be worked at i feel in a long term relationship...and you have to work to keep the sex alive and active...its when you are tired ...its when you dont feel like it..its when the kids have been horrors and you just want to face plant yourself in a pillow and go to sleep....its remembering the love and its doing things to keep love alive too like date nights and feeling sexy and desired and most importantly desirable...its in being young again together and doing silly things...having fun....

 

 

....keeping emotions intense by being kind supportive and attentive and understanding and generous with your time emotions and everything you have fro your partner to feel that love and excitement...........but then...i failed...so...who am i to say...i just feel....i did the right things...i tried and i worked at it up until the day we split..the day before we had intense sex actually........to me that shows....sex isnt the most important thing in a relationship....it helps cement for sure........but if the foundation is rocky and you throw alcohol into the mix........no amount of mad sex will fix any relationship............deb

  • Like 2
Posted

From the men's side its usually pretty simple and you need look no further than the countless threads started on here by frustrated guys to figure it out...

 

 

TFY

  • Like 1
Posted
I was once a married wife of 15 years who was not interested in intimacy with her husband. Through our marriage many times I turned my back on being intimate with him.

 

The answer is simple: I did not feel loved or desired.

 

I remember telling him that making love started with him kissing me good bye in the morning, it started with being nice with me once in a while, it started with making me feel beautiful and desired.

 

He didn't get it and I slowly fell out of love.

 

Sounds like this was a two way street. Its not all on the guy.

 

If a person doesn't feel loved or desired its usually because they are not acting in a way that makes them lovable or desirable. Shocker right?

  • Author
Posted
From the men's side its usually pretty simple and you need look no further than the countless threads started on here by frustrated guys to figure it out...

 

 

TFY

 

 

I can't speak for other women, just myself.

 

To me, it's not something I have any interest in if I'm not with someone. It simply isn't that important to me, except for that it is a way for a couple to bond more tightly. In that respect, I don't think its importance can be overstated.

 

This is something my friends and i have talked about a few times, in broad terms. The general consensus is that sex can become a chore if one doesn't feel connected to their spouse emotionally as well as physically. In some cases, the husband simply wasn't as "skilled" as he thought he was, and as it was told to me, these wives had tired to talk to them about it, but to didn't go well. I'm not sure why.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
Sounds like this was a two way street. Its not all on the guy.

 

If a person doesn't feel loved or desired its usually because they are not acting in a way that makes them lovable or desirable. Shocker right?

 

It's sad how we can hurt the ones we really care about the most, and usually, it's done without even thinking about it or realizing it.

 

For example, after my husband's affair ended and we were working through the aftermath. We'd been intimate, and I had made some sort of positive comment about his "conformance". He replied " I've gotten some compliments on it lately".

 

I know he didn't mean that the way it came out, and he had really just replied in what he thought was a joke and didn't consider the context ( he's never been a hurtful person). The logical part of me knows that it wasn't meant as a barb, but the emotional part was incredibly hurt by it, and even though I've tried, and can't square those in my mind.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Exactly that is where it all starts, l use to tell my wife all the same things, she didn't get it either , all things that would either turn me off , or build me up.

l use to watch friends and their wives and would think and see exactly the same thing too.

 

but the hardest thing of all l found was , how in hell are you even suppose to still enjoy stoking the same fire 20yrs later, especially when the looks and body have gone.

l guess from there is comes from love and feelings , but if they stop doing all those things too , then what's left.

sometimes l'm thankful l'm not married anymore and if l do again it'll be new.

Edited by Chilli
  • Author
Posted
Exactly that is where it all starts, l use to tell my wife all the same things, she didn't get it either , all things that would either turn me off , or build me up.

l use to watch friends and their wives and would think and see exactly the same thing too.

 

but the hardest thing of all l found was , how in hell are you even suppose to still enjoy stoking the same fire 20yrs later, especially when the looks and body have gone.

l guess from there is comes from love and feelings , but if they stop doing all those things too , then what's left.

sometimes l'm thankful l'm not married anymore and if l do again it'll be new.

 

 

I get what you are saying- I think.

 

I've seen people who treat their husband or wife terribly then go and treat a stranger with such kindness. It's a great thing to be kind to everyone, but should your spouse be the top priority recipient of this care an concern?

Posted

Caveat: I wouldn't consider myself low-drive (probably around average), but I've talked to a few women who have.

 

There was a surprising variety of reasons. A common one is that she doesn't get any sexual satisfaction in the bedroom. Their partners seemed to think that "sex" was all about pumping penis into vagina until HE came. Some of the women were very interested in bondage or D/s but their partner was not into it.

 

Other common reasons include the ones mentioned here - the relationship was heading southward in other ways.

Posted

 

There was a surprising variety of reasons. A common one is that she doesn't get any sexual satisfaction in the bedroom. Their partners seemed to think that "sex" was all about pumping penis into vagina until HE came..

 

I think that is very common and many women will put up with it and pretend or "put on a show", whilst they feel their husband/partner is giving them lots of attention and love, or when they feel they are getting something out of the marriage/relationship.

Once they feel put upon or unhappy they pull the plug on the "awful" sex, sex that may not just be not sexually satisfying but may even be painful.

I think the menopause or even childbirth also gives many women an excuse to stop "pretending" all together.

 

Thing is, no-one really wants to stop doing something they enjoy...

  • Like 1
Posted
I think that is very common and many women will put up with it and pretend or "put on a show", whilst they feel their husband/partner is giving them lots of attention and love, or when they feel they are getting something out of the marriage/relationship.

Once they feel put upon or unhappy they pull the plug on the "awful" sex, sex that may not just be not sexually satisfying but may even be painful.

I think the menopause or even childbirth also gives many women an excuse to stop "pretending" all together.

 

Thing is, no-one really wants to stop doing something they enjoy...

 

Yeah, I agree that this is a common and legitimate reason.

 

But I do think it's also possible for a woman to have genuinely enjoyed sex with their partner while the R was good, and had their libido drop once the R became unfulfilling or bad. I mean, I genuinely like what my guy and I do in bed. A lot. :laugh: But if he stopped treating me well outside the bedroom, I think it would probably negatively affect my desire to have sex with him. The love, trust and emotional intimacy needed to have great sex would be gone, so the desire would evaporate with it.

  • Like 3
Posted

OP, I've never had to complain about a woman with a low sex drive, fortunately. Not that I'm such a stud but I am caring, and before all love giving more than relieving when it comes to getting naughty in the bedroom. I go down on them, trying to make them climax even though sometimes I cannot finish myself.

 

Guys who complain about this and start threads here I often repeat them to show love, everyday by attention, gifts and being generous, and that they try to be that guy who can please them when it comes to sex.

 

It's not that hard to do, really.

  • Like 5
Posted
I have seen many threads on here from men and women who say their spouse is no longer interested in physical intimacy with them. I haven't sen nearly as many by the spouses with low interest.

 

If you fall into the "low interest" category, why? Why are you not interested in physical intimacy with your husband or wife? Have you talked to them about it? if so, what were the results?

 

I think we probably don't see these threads because the low-interest spouse is happy with the current situation, or knows it's probably not a good situation but doesn't want to face it. I felt both those things in my marriage.

 

In my case, it was a combination of 1) just not a lot of inherent sexual compatibility to begin with, 2) a loss of attraction and increase in resentment as he gained weight, and didn't seem care that being healthy and having a long active life together is very important to me, and 3) a loss of desire as we grew apart emotionally --> that classic male/female Catch-22 where at least subconsciously, I'm thinking "Why would I want to have sex with you, I don't even feel like you are loving and affectionate to me!" and he's thinking "Why would I want to be loving and affectionate to you, you don't even want to have sex with me!"

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
I think we probably don't see these threads because the low-interest spouse is happy with the current situation, or knows it's probably not a good situation but doesn't want to face it. I felt both those things in my marriage.

 

In my case, it was a combination of 1) just not a lot of inherent sexual compatibility to begin with, 2) a loss of attraction and increase in resentment as he gained weight, and didn't seem care that being healthy and having a long active life together is very important to me, and 3) a loss of desire as we grew apart emotionally --> that classic male/female Catch-22 where at least subconsciously, I'm thinking "Why would I want to have sex with you, I don't even feel like you are loving and affectionate to me!" and he's thinking "Why would I want to be loving and affectionate to you, you don't even want to have sex with me!"

 

This makes a lot of sense.

 

It can be a touchy subject to talk about, which is too bad. If people could, it might prevent a lot of heartache.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
I can't speak for other women, just myself.

 

To me, it's not something I have any interest in if I'm not with someone. It simply isn't that important to me, except for that it is a way for a couple to bond more tightly. In that respect, I don't think its importance can be overstated.

 

This is something my friends and i have talked about a few times, in broad terms. The general consensus is that sex can become a chore if one doesn't feel connected to their spouse emotionally as well as physically. In some cases, the husband simply wasn't as "skilled" as he thought he was, and as it was told to me, these wives had tired to talk to them about it, but to didn't go well. I'm not sure why.

 

 

But how was the "connection" lost???

 

Guys lose interest if they are unappreciated and marginalized...Guys lose interest if a woman gains a bunch of weight and does nothing to make herself seem more feminine/attractive...

 

Just take a look at the average married 40+ year old woman in anywhere USA...(some fall into this category way earlier, btw)...Shockingly the average weight of American women is now 170#....That's pretty big..

 

Overweight, short butch haircut, dowdy and loose fitting clothes, tired looking, no attention to grooming, nails, makeup. exercise....

 

Guys generally won't bother telling their woman that they look like a melted candle when they take their clothes off, they smell, haven't shaved in weeks, etc. because it's insensitive and maybe they have other good characteristics, like good mother, etc...Its incredibly painful to tell that to a woman you may actually love, despite the physical downturn....So they turn on the porn and that's that. Most guys I know are conflict avoidant..no difference in this aspect...

 

I can attest that every single couple in my circle where the guy raves about the sex, the woman looks "good"....Good being a relative term..Let's say better than her average peer....A 45 year old woman that had a couple of kids, isn't expected to look like a 22 year old hottie with a tight ass and perky tits...but there are things one can do...and everyone knows, so its no secret...Take that for whatever its worth...

 

I can't give advice to woman on what to do, that's up to them...If you have a good guy that you love, and you value sex in a relationship, your sex life will probably stay strong if you don't lose sight of the fact that guys generally like sexy women....As sexy as they can be, within means..

 

Bear in mind, the same issue can apply if the genders are reversed, but its been my experience that women are more forgiving in this area....If one wasn't forgiving, though, she'd be in her rights to turn nose at a guy for the same reasons mentioned..

 

Apologies in advance for any offense to anyone...Sometimes its good to hear it this way....Your guy probably wont tell you this stuff...They tell their friends, though....You can be sure of that...

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted
But how was the "connection" lost???

 

Guys lose interest if they are unappreciated and marginalized...Guys lose interest if a woman gains a bunch of weight and does nothing to make herself seem more feminine/attractive...

 

Just take a look at the average married 40+ year old woman in anywhere USA...(some fall into this category way earlier, btw)...Shockingly the average weight of American women is now 170#....That's pretty big..

 

Overweight, short butch haircut, dowdy and loose fitting clothes, tired looking, no attention to grooming, nails, makeup. exercise....

 

Guys generally won't bother telling their woman that they look like a melted candle when they take their clothes off, they smell, haven't shaved in weeks, etc. because it's insensitive and maybe they have other good characteristics, like good mother, etc...Its incredibly painful to tell that to a woman you may actually love, despite the physical downturn....So they turn on the porn and that's that. Most guys I know are conflict avoidant..no difference in this aspect...

 

I can attest that every single couple in my circle where the guy raves about the sex, the woman looks "good"....Good being a relative term..Let's say better than her average peer....A 45 year old woman that had a couple of kids, isn't expected to look like a 22 year old hottie with a tight ass and perky tits...but there are things one can do...and everyone knows, so its no secret...Take that for whatever its worth...

 

I can't give advice to woman on what to do, that's up to them...If you have a good guy that you love, and you value sex in a relationship, your sex life will probably stay strong if you don't lose sight of the fact that guys generally like sexy women....As sexy as they can be, within means..

 

Bear in mind, the same issue can apply if the genders are reversed, but its been my experience that women are more forgiving in this area....If one wasn't forgiving, though, she'd be in her rights to turn nose at a guy for the same reasons mentioned..

 

Apologies in advance for any offense to anyone...Sometimes its good to hear it this way....Your guy probably wont tell you this stuff...They tell their friends, though....You can be sure of that...

 

TFY

 

I appreciate the honesty.

 

It might not be "pc" to say what you did , but it is good to hear a guy's perspective. Anyone else want to weigh in?

Posted

I was the low-interest spouse once. I was taking all the burden of responsibilities in the relationship - work, financial - coming home to more work housekeeping in the evening. It felt very unfair. He just didn't get it, no matter how hard I tried to communicate. In the end, I became resentful and angry. We separated and divorced. It was not about sex, it was about the way I was treated generally. I was exhausted, demoralised and under-valued. There was nothing romantic or sexy about that.

  • Like 1
Posted
It's sad how we can hurt the ones we really care about the most, and usually, it's done without even thinking about it or realizing it.

 

For example, after my husband's affair ended and we were working through the aftermath. We'd been intimate, and I had made some sort of positive comment about his "conformance". He replied " I've gotten some compliments on it lately".

 

I know he didn't mean that the way it came out, and he had really just replied in what he thought was a joke and didn't consider the context ( he's never been a hurtful person). The logical part of me knows that it wasn't meant as a barb, but the emotional part was incredibly hurt by it, and even though I've tried, and can't square those in my mind.

 

 

Personally, if that had happened to me I would've lost it. It sounds like it was very intentionally put out there to hurt you. If that just slipped out of his mouth I would be very surprised. The last time I spoke with the man that I was in love with for 10 years he let something similar slip out of his mouth. Believe me, it was intentional. I used to think that being single was akin to having a terminal disease. It's not always perfect but at least now I can see the pros. I can't count the times things like my ex waking up in a rage because the cat that he raised to be a spoiled brat would wake him up meowing to be let outside or other minor nuisances would make my stomach turn to knots. One day again I may be open to a relationship but for now dating and having friends with benefits rocks. It feels good to know that I can take care of myself and not be around somebody who throws ridiculous tantrums.

Posted
But how was the "connection" lost???

 

Guys lose interest if they are unappreciated and marginalized...Guys lose interest if a woman gains a bunch of weight and does nothing to make herself seem more feminine/attractive...

 

Just take a look at the average married 40+ year old woman in anywhere USA...(some fall into this category way earlier, btw)...Shockingly the average weight of American women is now 170#....That's pretty big..

 

Overweight, short butch haircut, dowdy and loose fitting clothes, tired looking, no attention to grooming, nails, makeup. exercise....

 

Guys generally won't bother telling their woman that they look like a melted candle when they take their clothes off, they smell, haven't shaved in weeks, etc. because it's insensitive and maybe they have other good characteristics, like good mother, etc...Its incredibly painful to tell that to a woman you may actually love, despite the physical downturn....So they turn on the porn and that's that. Most guys I know are conflict avoidant..no difference in this aspect...

 

I can attest that every single couple in my circle where the guy raves about the sex, the woman looks "good"....Good being a relative term..Let's say better than her average peer....A 45 year old woman that had a couple of kids, isn't expected to look like a 22 year old hottie with a tight ass and perky tits...but there are things one can do...and everyone knows, so its no secret...Take that for whatever its worth...

 

I can't give advice to woman on what to do, that's up to them...If you have a good guy that you love, and you value sex in a relationship, your sex life will probably stay strong if you don't lose sight of the fact that guys generally like sexy women....As sexy as they can be, within means..

 

Bear in mind, the same issue can apply if the genders are reversed, but its been my experience that women are more forgiving in this area....If one wasn't forgiving, though, she'd be in her rights to turn nose at a guy for the same reasons mentioned..

 

Apologies in advance for any offense to anyone...Sometimes its good to hear it this way....Your guy probably wont tell you this stuff...They tell their friends, though....You can be sure of that...

 

TFY

 

Do you think this could be extrapolated to a more general "guys lose interest if the sex isn't doing much for them"? I agree that for a lot of guys stereotypical beauty standards are the most important part of "sex doing much for them", but I've seen other reasons mentioned online as well. E.g. very different sexual preferences with no overlap, the partner was never interested in trying anything new, or the partner never initiated and he got tired of initiating 100% of the time, or the partner always wanted to 'get it over with' so she could go back to what she was doing, etc.

 

I actually think both men and women are pretty similar in this regard - needing physical intimacy and sex to be fulfilling for them, otherwise they lose interest in it. The 'ingredients' needed for it to be fulfilling might be different between genders (though I'd argue that there is a wide variety of needs within the same gender, too), but the base need is the same - for it to be enjoyable and fulfilling.

 

The main difference I've seen between genders is that in general, the overall state of the relationship makes a bigger difference to women's sexual desires than it does for men's.

 

Also, of course, for both genders there are reasons that are nobody's fault, like illness, bereavement, severe work stress, bad financial problems, etc.

  • Like 2
Posted
Do you think this could be extrapolated to a more general "guys lose interest if the sex isn't doing much for them"? I agree that for a lot of guys stereotypical beauty standards are the most important part of "sex doing much for them",etc.

 

I dunno, Els...

 

But while I can't speak for my entire gender, as long as the woman wasn't a flat out dud or "?cold fish", practically every man, if they were honest, would pick the better looking/better body woman over the one who had great bedroom skills...if everything else was equal...Every time...

 

Women in general, are far more complicated in this regard than a typical man is...Sometimes I really don't understand why some women choose to make their own lives more difficult than it has to be...I see some project their own desires and needs and expect their SO to be compliant...Compared to women, guys have very basic needs...But if those fall apart, then they aren't going to be that much fun to be around....

 

TFY

Posted
Do you think this could be extrapolated to a more general "guys lose interest if the sex isn't doing much for them"? I agree that for a lot of guys stereotypical beauty standards are the most important part of "sex doing much for them", but I've seen other reasons mentioned online as well. E.g. very different sexual preferences with no overlap, the partner was never interested in trying anything new, or the partner never initiated and he got tired of initiating 100% of the time, or the partner always wanted to 'get it over with' so she could go back to what she was doing, etc..

 

Compatibility and communication are key, but I think some guys do have the notion that they can take a woman, almost any woman, and "make" her (eventually) do all the stuff he wants sexually and that it is only a matter of time before she is fulfilling all his perceived needs... as if she is some sort of a blank canvas.

She will learn to like all the things he likes...

 

BUT it doesn't tend to work out like that, and that can quickly end up as a source of frustration and resentment for both.

She has formed her own idea of the sex she enjoys, and he has his own idea of the sex he likes and sometimes never the twain shall meet.

 

It is better to choose people based on who they actually are, rather than try to change them into something YOU want, as THEY tend not to like that and will naturally resist.

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