kakashi147 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Hi all, I thought i'd explain my situation and hopefully, you can help me put to rest the stupid negative thoughts I've been having recently. I've been with my gf for 1 year and 4 months and we had been friends for about 5 years previously chatted occasionally. We got together and things were great and it was long distance but I moved up here a few months after we started dating to be closer to her (taking away hours travel time). For the first couple months, she came over but eventually, she naturally moved in. Recently she just got a new job which has changed her shift pattern. Before she would sleep in one day a week for her work but now she is on similar shift patterns to me so I pick her up and drop her off from work. She enjoys the new job but it is very demanding physical and over the past couple weeks she has not really had a day off. I take her to work, she works, comes home tired we wach TV have dinner and go to bed. For the week before last she was very off, not wanting to kiss or cuddle in bed and her mood was different. I asked if she was okay and she said she was but just didnt feel herself. Fast forward to the end of the week and she said "we need to talk" as she wanted to spend a night at her mums to just have some "me time". I panicked a little and asked her if we were okay and she said yes, she just did not know why she felt herself. I asked a couple more questions as I couldnt as the time in my panick understand why she would want to spend time away if it was not about us. She did say though that we had "settled" and we didnt talk much about anything anymore. She was also said she felt pressured me moving up sometimes as if we broke up she could move back home easily. We talked a little more and then she went to stay at her mums, over text she seemed fine with me not off or anything other than taking what I seemed in my head longer to reply. She came back a day later and felt better but for the last week has still be a little different mostlily coming home tired everynight. I spoke to her a couple days ago, asked her what she meant about not talking and said, because her job before meant she could sleep in, she had some "alone time" and she is the person who like a little bit of it which the job did and now she obviously does not get that. She said because we have spent the last two weeks together everyday and she has seen noone else we don't have anything new to say which is what she meant by not talking. So we agreed to spend some time with our friends, she would spend some time with the family. We did not agree how often but when I said I don't want us to do the opposite and spend too much time apart she said more like 1 day a week isnt much. Yesterday she spent the day with her friend and went out for the day, she enjoyed it and was great coming back and hearing the story of her day. Just a shame she came back tired again and was a little out of it although she seemed a little better. From this she has been mostly fine but I can't get nagativity out of my head mainly because my ex-gf of 4 years was BPD, depressed and made me depdent on her by manuplating me. She also cheated on me 4 times in the 4 years we were together. Of course this baggage has followed me and I really am not trying to let it get to me but my mind just spirals and thinks that she doesnt love me, or is bored or talking to someone else and is no longer interested. I can't see the difference between her work tiring her out and her change in mood the past couple weeks or not really being the same amount of affection as she was to her not caring or something else. She does for the most part seem okay and talks to me (minus me feeling again that she is taking longer to reply) but I just keep getting thoughts which are bringing me down. I don't want to bring them up to her if it is just me being overly paranoid because of my past. Your advice and wisdom is appreicated!
Poutrew Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It's never a good thing when your significant other wants 'alone time'. Alone to do what? Contemplate her place in the vast scheme of things? Her navel? Usually, it is because she has met someone else and wants time to see if it is going to be your replacement. Getting a new job fits the pattern. Even before you got to the end, I was thinking 'other man'. Then you revealed she has cheated on you before - 4 times! I'd say this girl is an expert at deception. You know this, else you wouldn't be posting here... The next time she says she going to her mama's house, give the house a call - not her cell phone. I'd bet mama doesn't even know where she really is. My bet is she is with her other friend and their boyfriends having a good time and laughing at your naiveté. My advice, break up with this girl now, while it is on your terms... if you wait, you'll still be broke up, but it will be on her terms, and you don't want to be that guy... 1
preraph Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Don't worry about it, but you need to somehow get her some alone time. So like for instance if she wants to just come home and go to bed alone and watch tv, you stay in the other room and give her space. And like her going out with friends. Listen, not many people want someone there all the time. Did you know a lot of divorces happen after a spouse retires for that very reason? Before the other spouse had his/her own routine and got some space to just relax without an audience and now they have be social and on all the time. Why don't you make a deal to get out of the house one evening a week or one of your days off and she gets out of the house one evening a week or one of her days off and then give the other person time to be home alone relaxing and recharging.
scooby-philly Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Hi all, I thought i'd explain my situation and hopefully, you can help me put to rest the stupid negative thoughts I've been having recently. Note - you already realize that part of this is the issue(s) you had with you ex. Keep thinking through on this. I've been with my gf for 1 year and 4 months and we had been friends for about 5 years previously chatted occasionally. We got together and things were great and it was long distance but I moved up here a few months after we started dating to be closer to her (taking away hours travel time). For the first couple months, she came over but eventually, she naturally moved in. A couple of thoughts/questions. Ages of you both? Country? Has she lived with someone else before? What was the time frame like in a clear pattern - x________(know each other) _____________("dates") __________("together" (but in your case long distance to start)) ___________together & you're close by ______________living together. I ask b/c if you spent too much time in one area or it seems a bit rushed to her, she may be feeling pushed. Recently she just got a new job which has changed her shift pattern. Before she would sleep in one day a week for her work but now she is on similar shift patterns to me so I pick her up and drop her off from work. She enjoys the new job but it is very demanding physical and over the past couple weeks she has not really had a day off. I take her to work, she works, comes home tired we wach TV have dinner and go to bed. I wouldn't do it in a bragging way, but as you ask her about what she's feeling and what you can do to help her, remind her - you care about her - you care enough to notice, you care enough to want to help solve the problem (you got a lot going on for that). For the week before last she was very off, not wanting to kiss or cuddle in bed and her mood was different. I asked if she was okay and she said she was but just didnt feel herself. Fast forward to the end of the week and she said "we need to talk" as she wanted to spend a night at her mums to just have some "me time". I panicked a little and asked her if we were okay and she said yes, she just did not know why she felt herself. I asked a couple more questions as I couldnt as the time in my panick understand why she would want to spend time away if it was not about us. Think about her life before you. Did she grow up an alonely child or someone who spent a lot of time by themselves? Think about that in relation to my previous question about how long each phase of your relationship has lasted. With work now getting in the way, she may feel stuck in a rut just in general. If she's used to more "freedom" - you have to allow her to go out and do things without you (not in a "permission" sort of way - but you know what i mean). But....caution - as you kind of said so yourself - it shouldn't turn into she's out 5/7 nights with others and now has no time for you. Otherwise, the issue is a lot deeper than it appears. She did say though that we had "settled" and we didnt talk much about anything anymore. She was also said she felt pressured me moving up sometimes as if we broke up she could move back home easily. We talked a little more and then she went to stay at her mums, over text she seemed fine with me not off or anything other than taking what I seemed in my head longer to reply. She came back a day later and felt better but for the last week has still be a little different mostlily coming home tired everynight. Red flag - speaking on your behalf. Have you guys talked about what your ideal life together is like? How much you want together time, time with each of your families, friends, etc.? Cause it could be that she feels like she's settled if she imagined a life different than that you're living. I spoke to her a couple days ago, asked her what she meant about not talking and said, because her job before meant she could sleep in, she had some "alone time" and she is the person who like a little bit of it which the job did and now she obviously does not get that. She said because we have spent the last two weeks together everyday and she has seen noone else we don't have anything new to say which is what she meant by not talking. So we agreed to spend some time with our friends, she would spend some time with the family. We did not agree how often but when I said I don't want us to do the opposite and spend too much time apart she said more like 1 day a week isnt much. Keep her talking. Yesterday she spent the day with her friend and went out for the day, she enjoyed it and was great coming back and hearing the story of her day. Just a shame she came back tired again and was a little out of it although she seemed a little better. That's a good start....maybe a bit more time 1x a week here, 2x a week there, with friends/family will be good for her and she'll find her "balance" again. From this she has been mostly fine but I can't get nagativity out of my head mainly because my ex-gf of 4 years was BPD, depressed and made me depdent on her by manuplating me. She also cheated on me 4 times in the 4 years we were together. Ok. I'll say this being a man that was raised to please others, to always worry about being abandoned, alone, and to be the "nice guy" who didn't hurt anyways feelings or let his voice be heard - 1. YOU CAN"T COMPARE APPLES TO ORANGES. You can't compare GF1 to GF 2 to GF 3. You can spot similar behaviors based on observable data, but you can't compare for the simple sake of comparing. And 2. 4 TIMES? Most people don't/won't forgive once. 4 times....even if it was the same person 4 times.....JFC - please, some self-respect my brother!!!! Of course this baggage has followed me and I really am not trying to let it get to me but my mind just spirals and thinks that she doesnt love me, or is bored or talking to someone else and is no longer interested. I can't see the difference between her work tiring her out and her change in mood the past couple weeks or not really being the same amount of affection as she was to her not caring or something else. She does for the most part seem okay and talks to me (minus me feeling again that she is taking longer to reply) but I just keep getting thoughts which are bringing me down. I don't want to bring them up to her if it is just me being overly paranoid because of my past. since you're talking to her and seem to be open about things tell her what you're feeling. It won't do either of you good if you keep this to yourself. If you've told her of your ex, remind her and if you haven't now's the time - just say "here's my past" and here's what it means I'm afraid of, and let her respond. Look - TBH - worst case she is questioning the 2 of you....but so what - at least you'll force her to admit that rather than keep wasting both of your time. Most likely case - she just needs support/encouragement to find her routines/happy place and she'll be grateful for the love/support. Your advice and wisdom is appreicated!
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 You went from LDR to you moving there, to moving in together & now you drive her to & from work. Smothering much? Holy Hanna what does this poor woman have to do to get a minute's peace away from you? That is waaaaayyyyyy too much togetherness. The girl is asking for 1 measly day per week to herself & you're balking. If you hold her too tightly you are going to continue to choke the life out of this relationship. A little distance will do you some good. Go to work separately. Develop independent interests. Have your own friends. You can't continue to punish this woman because of your EX's cheating ways. Lighten up. 5
smackie9 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 God when my husband goes away for a week or weekend I'm tap dancing in the street lol....I can have a nap without him asking me why I'm napping, I don't have to cook dinner, I can enjoy peace and quiet, do a facial, watch my scary shows, have GF's over for drinks, no pickin up after him.....it's heaven. We ALL need some me time once in awhile. 9
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It's never a good thing when your significant other wants 'alone time'. Alone to do what? Contemplate her place in the vast scheme of things? Her navel? Usually, it is because she has met someone else and wants time to see if it is going to be your replacement. Getting a new job fits the pattern. Even before you got to the end, I was thinking 'other man'. Then you revealed she has cheated on you before - 4 times! I'd say this girl is an expert at deception. You know this, else you wouldn't be posting here... The next time she says she going to her mama's house, give the house a call - not her cell phone. I'd bet mama doesn't even know where she really is. My bet is she is with her other friend and their boyfriends having a good time and laughing at your naiveté. My advice, break up with this girl now, while it is on your terms... if you wait, you'll still be broke up, but it will be on her terms, and you don't want to be that guy... I disagree. Some people really do need alone time to recharge, get themselves organized at home, get some stuff done, etc. Sounds like her job change has thrown off her usual routine and she's having trouble finding time to recharge. I'm an unhappy woman if I don't have time to myself, but it doesn't mean I don't love the people in my life any less. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Then you revealed she has cheated on you before - 4 times! No. This girl never cheated on him (that we know of). The OP said his EX cheated on him 4x. That is why he is smothering this girl. 3
joseb Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I need alone time. I think I would crack up spending that much time with someone. She basically has no time away from you outside of working hours. So fix that. Do you have to drive her to work? Can you go out and do stuff yourself at least twice week? Maybe go back home occasionally at weekends? There is a chance she is losing interest now that the honeymoon period is over. But smothering her isn't going to help. As to the last relationship, if a girl cheats on you once, that's it...no second chances. Edited June 5, 2017 by joseb 1
GemmaUK Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 What she is asking sounds like not enough personal space to me. I day a week is nothing. When myself and my then partner moved in together the week went like this: Monday - my sports night Tuesday - his college night Wednesday - my sports night Thursday - his sports night Friday, Saturday and Sunday were our nights together and or with family and friends. If she is the one who is currently exhausted due to her new job then be supportive and find yourself some hobbies to get you out of the house for a few hours a few nights a week. It'll take your mind off and also give her the space she needs.
DarrenB Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Give her the time she needs and seeks to be alone with herself. It's not a requirement to be romantically involved, physical and in the presence of each other 24/7. Remember, it's actually healthy to take time away from your partner. 1
Author kakashi147 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 Hi all, Thanks for the messages, we went out last night had a great time and really reconnected. I know my past "baggage" should not get me down and I haven't let her see any of my worries as I know it is misplaced. Wanted to come to rant on her to hopefully just get it out. I appreciate all your messages and understand we both need space when living together just to be our own person, just got myself wrapped up in self-doubt which is embarrassing as I'm not normally like that at all!
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