Randomnameacb Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Long story short- both of us are married, we have a few kids between us and we've been carrying on an affair for a few months now. Just the other night my lover stops before we are about to have sex and tells me that they are confused. They feel guilty because their spouse is closeby (sleeping a few hundred feet from where we were) So we have a conversation that is basically them saying that they are sorry, and that they aren't leaving their spouse. They keep mentioning how "guilty" they feel. I drive away and receive a text from my lover that reads that they can't do this anymore and they are sorry. I ask them if they are certain they never want to see me again and they respond with "Not forever, just for a little bit". So I'm not sure if that means the affair is really over or just on pause. This is very confusing for me- we haven't spoken since and that was the only exchange since then. Does feeling guilty while having an affair mean you love your spouse or is it just easier to stay with your spouse when kids are involved?
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Feeling guilty means you still have a heart...it means that you are weighing what you are doing...it means that you know you are doing something wrong and should not be. Does it mean the AP might still love the bs? yes ...it could... not feeling guilty means you are still so wrapped up in yourself that you dont care about anyone but you. 5
Author Randomnameacb Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I never looked at it that way before. I felt guilty in the beginning of the affair but it didn't mean that I was so much in love with my spouse, I just felt guilty in how much hurt this was going to bring everyone when they found out. Then when they did find out and allowed me to continue my affair, I had no more guilt. So AP could just be going through what I was going through in the beginning. I can't imagine they love their BS but then again, I have no idea.
aileD Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Not that it matters but is this a same sex affair? Your use of them/they/my lover seems to indicate this. An affair is an affair but there can be a different set of issues when it's same sex.
Author Randomnameacb Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 It is not a same sex affair, I am just not mentioning those details.
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I don't think anyone can say how he really feels. He may be feeling guilty, he may think he is about to be found out, he may have lost his nerve, he may not want to do this any more to his wife, he may be just getting bored, he may just not want to sleep with you any more, he may have someone else in his sights... or something else entirely... who really knows? Sounds like he is done though. 1
aileD Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I think guilt is an internal thing and has nothing to do with whether or not you love your spouse You grew up with morals and values (presumably, since I don't know you personally) and being taught the difference between right and wrong. An affair is wrong, therefore it brings guilt. Because you know internally that this crosses the line of morality
reboot Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I think guilt is an internal thing and has nothing to do with whether or not you love your spouse You grew up with morals and values (presumably, since I don't know you personally) and being taught the difference between right and wrong. An affair is wrong, therefore it brings guilt. Because you know internally that this crosses the line of morality The poster is not the one feeling guilt, it's the affair partner that is.
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 So you felt guilty in the beginning but you went ahead doing what you knew was wrong...and now you dont feel guilty. That is typical ...becaseu when the guilt eats away at you...you usually stop. But when you convince yourself that what you are doing is ok...you dont feel guilty anymore. Most of us who cheat...have to move boundaries...in order to cheat. We have to validate what we are doing is ok. We often even begin to look at our spouses as the one to blame for our behavior. It is amazing how we can twist things so we come out innocent. It isn't my falut i cheated. Yes...yes it is. Completely and totally. So he/she may really be wrestling with himself. He/she may truly love their spouse and their family and might be pulling back from you in order to save his/her life as he/she knows it. Leave them alone. Let them do what is best for them. Don't interfere. And while he/she is going through this reevaluation...perhaps you could take a look at yourself. Is this really what you want? To destroy your family and your spouse and your kids?
Author Randomnameacb Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I am in no way contacting them and giving them the space since they "ended" things. They said that they still wanted to see me, and this is just for a little while so I am only assuming that they will eventually come back- but again I am in no way contacting them to find out if it's truly over. If two people are better connected with one another and keep going back to one another then why can't those two be happy together? Just because they are both married they aren't allowed to move on? That one always confuses me. I am not saying we are meant to be together, but their is that possibility that maybe we are better suited for one another.
mercy Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It is not a same sex affair, I am just not mentioning those details. Well it has to be one or the other whether you give us the details or not. Hopefully the guilt is causing her to do the right thing. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 If you truly love each other and want to be together...it is only fair to your spouses to divorce them and allow them to also find someone who truly loves them. How is it fair that the two of you should be allowed to have happiness at the expense of so many others? It is so extremely selfish. If you love someone else...wouldnt you want to share your life with them...no secrets....no sneaking around....? SO why stay in a marriage you dont want to be in....divorce and move on. 1
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 GB did say that permission was given to continue, apparently it's not particularly hurtful, so it's hard to call that cheating on GBSpouse. As for the partner, I guess that's still cheating. OP, if you have permission to stray, you should choose a single person. Much less complicated that way.
aileD Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 The poster is not the one feeling guilt, it's the affair partner that is. Same thing just switch the names then. He knows it's wrong
mikeylo Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am in no way contacting them and giving them the space since they "ended" things. They said that they still wanted to see me, and this is just for a little while so I am only assuming that they will eventually come back- but again I am in no way contacting them to find out if it's truly over. If two people are better connected with one another and keep going back to one another then why can't those two be happy together? Just because they are both married they aren't allowed to move on? That one always confuses me. I am not saying we are meant to be together, but their is that possibility that maybe we are better suited for one another. The only way to find out if you are meant to be together is divorce your current partners and then date and have a relationship in real, in the open, not behind closed doors. If that brings happiness and satisfaction to you both then yes, you were meant to be.
Author Randomnameacb Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I am open to a divorce, BS does not want to divorce me. I am not sure how AP feels sinc ethey said they weren't leaving their spouse. Again, AP said this while drunk and could have gotten caught by BS- we were in a bad place and could have gotten caught.
mikeylo Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am open to a divorce, BS does not want to divorce me. I am not sure how AP feels sinc ethey said they weren't leaving their spouse. Again, AP said this while drunk and could have gotten caught by BS- we were in a bad place and could have gotten caught. You dont need your partner's permission to divorce.Period. If AP isnt divorcing , that means you both are not ready to take chance for the real thing. If it was meant to be, you both would take the leap of faith. I guess, time to come out of fantasy.
GoldenR Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 What kind of marriage is it when your spouse tells you to F someone else. That statement alone tells me that you shouldn't be married. Why be content to sneak around with someone else when you can D and be free to do whatever? Now let's just accept the fact that you've been given permission to stray...Why pick a married AP when there are so many single people to choose from? I'll tell you why....bc single ppl would eventually get tired of not having you 100%. So again, why stay married?
harrybrown Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 does your AP's spouse know about the A? Does your spouse get to have an A? Glad to see that maybe your AP does still have some guilt. If you really want to see if you two belong together, then expose to everyone and let the light of day shine on your relationship. good luck to your spouse. My friend could not take it anymore. He killed the OM and then himself. Too bad for the kids. really sad that more do not think about the kids.
wmacbride Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am in no way contacting them and giving them the space since they "ended" things. They said that they still wanted to see me, and this is just for a little while so I am only assuming that they will eventually come back- but again I am in no way contacting them to find out if it's truly over. If two people are better connected with one another and keep going back to one another then why can't those two be happy together? Just because they are both married they aren't allowed to move on? That one always confuses me. I am not saying we are meant to be together, but their is that possibility that maybe we are better suited for one another. And you are willing to ask a group of innocent bystanders to pay the price for your need to for a little something on the side? My guess is that your om probably realized the risks he was asking others to take, and he smartened up. Look, I don't know you or your marriage, but I do know that affairs are hurtful, and all too often, ws convince themselves no one will get hurt and they deserve that outside fun. From what I have seen, most ws are not terrible people, they are good people making some bad choices,and eventually, it catches up to them. 3
pheonixrisen Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am open to a divorce, BS does not want to divorce me. I am not sure how AP feels sinc ethey said they weren't leaving their spouse. Again, AP said this while drunk and could have gotten caught by BS- we were in a bad place and could have gotten caught. The very fact that he stopped while drunk ..because he may have gotten caught ..shows he does not want his wife to know which could lead to a divorce and he does not want to leave his wife and family . I think you twisted the above in your head that may be he said that because he was under stress ...when a man says he does not want to leave his wife ..you might want to take his word for it . He may or may not love his wife .he is selfish if he wanted anything more from you he would have walked away from his wife even his children would not have been able to ground him ...but without judgement how many men are really there who would be able to walk away from a wife who is loyal and loves them for a woman who has affairs and is in an open marriage . This is just sex for him .don't make more of it I think you haven't taken a step to divorce because your om has not really offered you a future . you are waiting .
somanymistakes Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 You dont need your partner's permission to divorce.Period. Actually in some jurisdictions you do and the courts can refuse you otherwise.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Long story short- both of us are married, we have a few kids between us and we've been carrying on an affair for a few months now. Just the other night my lover stops before we are about to have sex and tells me that they are confused. They feel guilty because their spouse is closeby (sleeping a few hundred feet from where we were) So we have a conversation that is basically them saying that they are sorry, and that they aren't leaving their spouse. They keep mentioning how "guilty" they feel. I drive away and receive a text from my lover that reads that they can't do this anymore and they are sorry. I ask them if they are certain they never want to see me again and they respond with "Not forever, just for a little bit". So I'm not sure if that means the affair is really over or just on pause. This is very confusing for me- we haven't spoken since and that was the only exchange since then. Does feeling guilty while having an affair mean you love your spouse or is it just easier to stay with your spouse when kids are involved? End it yourself. No good is going to come of this affair, you'll be more hurt as time goes on and also, you have a spouse at home, children at home! Focus on reconnecting with your husband and forget this MM. 1
Red123 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am in no way contacting them and giving them the space since they "ended" things. They said that they still wanted to see me, and this is just for a little while so I am only assuming that they will eventually come back- but again I am in no way contacting them to find out if it's truly over. If two people are better connected with one another and keep going back to one another then why can't those two be happy together? Just because they are both married they aren't allowed to move on? That one always confuses me. I am not saying we are meant to be together, but their is that possibility that maybe we are better suited for one another. I'm curious why you think you and MM are better suited for each other than you are with your spouses? Maybe you can be happy together but you both need to leave your marriage to find out. 1
aliveagain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I am open to a divorce, BS does not want to divorce me. I am not sure how AP feels sinc ethey said they weren't leaving their spouse. Again, AP said this while drunk and could have gotten caught by BS- we were in a bad place and could have gotten caught. Just a guess but is it possible your husband is banging someone he is in love with and is only staying with you for financial reasons? The only time I didn't care if my S/O was seeing someone else was when I was done with her. Have an open relationship if you want to stay together or just get it over with. Edited June 5, 2017 by aliveagain
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