TofuJ Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) This whole thing is going to be TMI, but here we go. I am a 19 yr. old female dating a 30 yr. old man whom I've known since I was 16. When we met I was dating another 16 yr old, and told him that we could still be friends. We were platonic friends until I turned 18, when he asked to take me on a date. So now we've been dating for over a year and I am about to turn 20. He has 2 serious exes, both were 17-19 when he dated them. He is the oldest man I've ever dated. I have a lot of love for him and believe he is a good person, but some things have become giant red flags to make me believe that I am fulfilling a fetish, rather than him actually loving me. For one, he was fired from his previous job after aggressively flirting with a 16 yr. old hostess, causing her to complain to their boss. This was during us dating so I considered calling it quits then, but I chose to let it go and forgive. Secondly, he is very adamant about me not having male friends my age. He doesn't mind too bad when I engage with people closer to his age, but it greatly annoys him when I try to be around anyone my age. And third, every chance he gets he tries to explain to me how society sets older men up to be attracted to pre-pubescent women, for example, how the modeling industry seeks out younger looking models, and the trend for all women to be completely hairless. Sorry for how long this is, but this relationship started off beautifully and now I'm starting to feel like Lolita. We've also gotten to the point were he would like to move in with me, and he discusses marriage and children often, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that once I turned 25 I would no longer be agreeable to him (he's never been with a woman over 25). I also feel like this attraction to younger women might stem from some trauma during his teen years.. I've encouraged him to seek therapy, but he is uninterested. I think I would be an awful person for leaving someone that needs mental guidance to deal with certain issues, considering I go to therapy myself, but the whole situation makes me quite uneasy. Just wondering what other people may think of my situation. Thank you for any input! Edited June 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Dru76 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Are you serious? This guy is a total creeper. Dump him and run. 10
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I dated an older man when I was your age but I was the only younger woman he dated & he was very concerned that the age gap was a problem. He eventually broke up with me over it saying I needed to go be a teenaged college student. This guy doesn't like you for you. He likes your young age. He will probably dump you once you hit 21 or as soon as you wake up & realize he doesn't want an equal; he wants a young plaything to show off & stroke his ego. It's not about you. It's only about your youth. Be very careful. You could end up seriously emotionally damaged. 6
newheart Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 This whole thing is going to be TMI, but here we go. I am a 19 yr. old female dating a 30 yr. old man whom I've known since I was 16. When we met I was dating another 16 yr old, and told him that we could still be friends. We were platonic friends until I turned 18, when he asked to take me on a date. So now we've been dating for over a year and I am about to turn 20. He has 2 serious exes, both were 17-19 when he dated them. He is the oldest man I've ever dated. I have a lot of love for him and believe he is a good person, but some things have become giant red flags to make me believe that I am fulfilling a fetish, rather than him actually loving me. For one, he was fired from his previous job after aggressively flirting with a 16 yr. old hostess, causing her to complain to their boss. This was during us dating so I considered calling it quits then, but I chose to let it go and forgive. Secondly, he is very adamant about me not having male friends my age. He doesn't mind too bad when I engage with people closer to his age, but it greatly annoys him when I try to be around anyone my age. And third, every chance he gets he tries to explain to me how society sets older men up to be attracted to pre-pubescent women, for example, how the modeling industry seeks out younger looking models, and the trend for all women to be completely hairless. Sorry for how long this is, but this relationship started off beautifully and now I'm starting to feel like Lolita. We've also gotten to the point were he would like to move in with me, and he discusses marriage and children often, but I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that once I turned 25 I would no longer be agreeable to him (he's never been with a woman over 25). I also feel like this attraction to younger women might stem from some trauma during his teen years.. I've encouraged him to seek therapy, but he is uninterested. I think I would be an awful person for leaving someone that needs mental guidance to deal with certain issues, considering I go to therapy myself, but the whole situation makes me quite uneasy. Just wondering what other people may think of my situation. Thank you for any input! Ugh ... creeper borderline child molester behavior, and controlling to boot. Please, if you are feeling uneasy, it is for a reason! Listen to your intuition. Do NOT move in with this man! It does not make you an awful person for doing what is in your own personal best interest, it makes you a smart, courageous young woman! 7
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 This guy is a total creep and you need to stay away from him. That's all there is to it. 4
RecentChange Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 It's not your job to fix his fetish, nor CAN you fix it. Like an addict, he has to want change for himself, and he is making it very clear that he has no intention of changing. It's not normal for men to seek out relationships with women half their age. It's not normal to never date anyone close to his own age - and the controlling who you are allowed to have contact with - that's your biggest red flag!!! Run girl, do not waste any more youthful years on this guy. Let him find another "prepubescent" looking girl to prey on. 3
preraph Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I think you're right. I think he has a real issue wanting teens because he's actually verbalized about it and it bothers him if you want to be with someone your own age and he went after you at 16. I think he'll dump you or cheat on you because he's messed up stuck on young ones. Don't marry him and you should really just get away from him so you can have your teenage years back. And no you can't change that in him any more than someone could tell you to stop liking guys and start wanting women. That's why they are kept in prison for so long, because they don't change.
GunslingerRoland Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 What would happen if you had a child with this man? Would you leave your child with him? Of course men have a physical attraction to younger women, but for him, it sounds like he is admitting he is craving sex with children. The incident at work is probably the biggest red flag of all, because not only does he have these urges he clearly doesn't have the will power to control himself from them. Do you really want to wait for the day when your boyfriend is arrested for child pornography or worse... 4
smackie9 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 His issues are not yours to fix or worry about......sooner or later you will find out he has to register as a sex offender and maybe spend time in the pokey. Seriously....Like Chris Hansen says "Predators you are on notice!" 1
CptInsano Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I don't see any red flags. It's more the strobe lights and the ear-piercing screech of a fire alarm that come to mind. 9
neowulf Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Throwing my voice in with the crowd. This guy is controlling and clearly into you because of your age. Make no mistake. If you stay with this man, he will ditch you as soon as you grow "too old" for his tastes. His behavior is pathological. It's not something you can address, nor should you concern yourself with having too. Given the young age at which he formed his "friendship" with you, it appears to be he's been grooming you for this role. Another mark of a predator. Please get in touch with a professional regarding this, to get the support you need to get free of his man's influence. This is a seriously dangerous situation for you to be in. 5
Author TofuJ Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 Ugh ... creeper borderline child molester behavior, and controlling to boot. Please, if you are feeling uneasy, it is for a reason! Listen to your intuition. Do NOT move in with this man! It does not make you an awful person for doing what is in your own personal best interest, it makes you a smart, courageous young woman! Thank you! I really felt like maybe I was over-exaggerating, or that I am weak for not being able to support him through his issues, so I appreciate your kind words.
Author TofuJ Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 I dated an older man when I was your age but I was the only younger woman he dated & he was very concerned that the age gap was a problem. He eventually broke up with me over it saying I needed to go be a teenaged college student. This guy doesn't like you for you. He likes your young age. He will probably dump you once you hit 21 or as soon as you wake up & realize he doesn't want an equal; he wants a young plaything to show off & stroke his ego. It's not about you. It's only about your youth. Be very careful. You could end up seriously emotionally damaged. Thank you for sharing, I appreciate your advice. This is not a "typical" older - man younger woman scenario, I am a lot more financially stable and a bit more emotionally stable, so it is not an equal pairing, but not necessarily in the way one may think.
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