Whoknew30 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I've been with my H since 15. We've had our issues but now that we're older, we're at a really good place... At 17 I was working for a man that our family's go way back. He was older 30's & also owned a bar. One night my friend & I went to hangout (I knew all the bar owners in my area bc of family ties & was never denied entry) well my boss kept feeding me drinks until I was blacked out drunk. I don't remember anything from the night & woke up in the morning in his bed, with a vague memory of him ontop of me but being so drunk I couldn't move or talk. In hindsight, I was date raped by an older man. I didn't tell my family bc I knew the backlash that would come with it...the men in my family would have either beat him to the point of death or really would have killed him. This man went & told every man within our community that he slept with me. Boys my age even knew, it was the most humiliating experience I've ever felt. He left out the part that I was passed out drunk & I found out I was a considered a trophy within my ethnic circle. I ended up telling my husband bc I was so ashamed. He went crazy & actually hunted him down & threatened him...but this man is very powerful in a shady type of way, my husband was young & I told him to just drop it bc he could get hurt & I didn't want my family to know. Years later, I got over it & became used to watching this man be buddy buddies with the men in my family at events we'd all be at...I have an extremely good relationship with the rest of this man's family. So I just let it all go. He got married, had kids & now has a special needs son like my own. We all go to church together & he is sponsoring a retreat at our church for special needs kids. The priest has personally asked me to help & it really is a good thing for my son & community. My H isn't happy about this & I'm so torn on how to proceed with this. If I say no, I publicly look like a non caring jerk. I'm just extremely confused on what to do...any insight would be appreciated:)
Ahurtgirl Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 If you feel it would be to uncomfortable to attend, find a reason that you and your son would not be able to attend (plan to be out of town at that time or some type of other previous commitment you have) that makes it unable for you to go. If you want things to remain peaceful, I'd avoid explaining why you don't want to attend. People like the man you are describing who did that to you, when they feel threatened, turn things around to destroy your life. It's best to let this one go for your own safety.
Chica80 Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I've been with my H since 15. We've had our issues but now that we're older, we're at a really good place... At 17 I was working for a man that our family's go way back. He was older 30's & also owned a bar. One night my friend & I went to hangout (I knew all the bar owners in my area bc of family ties & was never denied entry) well my boss kept feeding me drinks until I was blacked out drunk. I don't remember anything from the night & woke up in the morning in his bed, with a vague memory of him ontop of me but being so drunk I couldn't move or talk. In hindsight, I was date raped by an older man. I didn't tell my family bc I knew the backlash that would come with it...the men in my family would have either beat him to the point of death or really would have killed him. This man went & told every man within our community that he slept with me. Boys my age even knew, it was the most humiliating experience I've ever felt. He left out the part that I was passed out drunk & I found out I was a considered a trophy within my ethnic circle. I ended up telling my husband bc I was so ashamed. He went crazy & actually hunted him down & threatened him...but this man is very powerful in a shady type of way, my husband was young & I told him to just drop it bc he could get hurt & I didn't want my family to know. Years later, I got over it & became used to watching this man be buddy buddies with the men in my family at events we'd all be at...I have an extremely good relationship with the rest of this man's family. So I just let it all go. He got married, had kids & now has a special needs son like my own. We all go to church together & he is sponsoring a retreat at our church for special needs kids. The priest has personally asked me to help & it really is a good thing for my son & community. My H isn't happy about this & I'm so torn on how to proceed with this. If I say no, I publicly look like a non caring jerk. I'm just extremely confused on what to do...any insight would be appreciated:) I'm sorry first for the pain and humiliation you suffered. Second for what you now have to go through. What about talking to the priest. Is that an option? Although I worry that might go the opposite way and not be helpful. What do you think? 1
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 If you feel it would be to uncomfortable to attend, find a reason that you and your son would not be able to attend (plan to be out of town at that time or some type of other previous commitment you have) that makes it unable for you to go. If you want things to remain peaceful, I'd avoid explaining why you don't want to attend. People like the man you are describing who did that to you, when they feel threatened, turn things around to destroy your life. It's best to let this one go for your own safety. Honestly, I don't feel uncomfortable anymore bc as I grew older, I told myself that he will no longer hold power over me. Therapy helped with this tremendously...I feel that it puts my husband in a weird position & that is what feel bad about. In his eyes, this man hurt me & got away with it. I understand where he's coming from...but I know this man can never hurt me again. That's why I'm going back & forth. Thanks for your input (
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I'm sorry first for the pain and humiliation you suffered. Second for what you now have to go through. What about talking to the priest. Is that an option? Although I worry that might go the opposite way and not be helpful. What do you think? Thank you for this perspective...honestly this is an option that didn't even enter my mind! I've known my priest since a baby & he might have some good advice. Thanks for your input:) 1
4fin Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 "Years later, I got over it & became used to watching this man be buddy buddies with the men in my family at events we'd all be at...I have an extremely good relationship with the rest of this man's family. So I just let it all go. He got married, had kids & now has a special needs son like my own. We all go to church together & he is sponsoring a retreat at our church for special needs kids. The priest has personally asked me to help & it really is a good thing for my son & community. My H isn't happy about this & I'm so torn on how to proceed with this. If I say no, I publicly look like a non caring jerk." I'm sorry this happened to you. It happened to my wife as well. I wanted justice in the same form as your husband/family. Like you my wife is over it. Like your husband I am not especially when I found out the details 2 years ago. If she spent any time around her date rapist I would become unhinged regardless of the setting. Her rapist had a child that had cancer but lived. My wife believes he's paid through some bad life experiences. If my wife were in your shoes this is what I would be ok with. Meet with your priest, rapist and husband. Tell your priest you are honored by the request but based on an event that happened when you were blacked out drunk you are going to have to decline. I'd let your priest know your rapist/volunteer provided what details you do know to friends and would be happy to discuss or they can accept your decision not to work with him. You will not be a non caring jerk. Your well being as well as your husbands is far more important than the misperception of public opinion. You were the victim. You're husband will suffer greatly. You will not be outing your rapist unless he decides he would like to discuss which he won't provided your age and details. Best luck to you.
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 "Years later, I got over it & became used to watching this man be buddy buddies with the men in my family at events we'd all be at...I have an extremely good relationship with the rest of this man's family. So I just let it all go. He got married, had kids & now has a special needs son like my own. We all go to church together & he is sponsoring a retreat at our church for special needs kids. The priest has personally asked me to help & it really is a good thing for my son & community. My H isn't happy about this & I'm so torn on how to proceed with this. If I say no, I publicly look like a non caring jerk." I'm sorry this happened to you. It happened to my wife as well. I wanted justice in the same form as your husband/family. Like you my wife is over it. Like your husband I am not especially when I found out the details 2 years ago. If she spent any time around her date rapist I would become unhinged regardless of the setting. Her rapist had a child that had cancer but lived. My wife believes he's paid through some bad life experiences. If my wife were in your shoes this is what I would be ok with. Meet with your priest, rapist and husband. Tell your priest you are honored by the request but based on an event that happened when you were blacked out drunk you are going to have to decline. I'd let your priest know your rapist/volunteer provided what details you do know to friends and would be happy to discuss or they can accept your decision not to work with him. You will not be a non caring jerk. Your well being as well as your husbands is far more important than the misperception of public opinion. You were the victim. You're husband will suffer greatly. You will not be outing your rapist unless he decides he would like to discuss which he won't provided your age and details. Best luck to you. Thank you for your perspective, as a husband. Very much the same situation here...he actually ended up doing time in prison bc of some shady business dealings & I felt he's been payed back for what he's done, as your wife feels. I think sometimes it's harder for people that love someone to deal with something bad that's happened to them vs the person that it actually happened to. If the show was on the other foot, I'd forever hate this man too.
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 Tell the priest that you were date raped years ago & that you would prefer not to be involved with this man. Then steer clear of him. Do what you think is appropriate for his son; it's not the kid's fault dad is a monster. 1
knitwit Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I am so sorry that happened to you. I would absolutely tell the priest. This is a predatory man in more ways than one, and he should not be even doing these kind of trips with children.
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 5, 2017 Author Posted June 5, 2017 I would like to add...part of my dilemma is personal. I like showing he holds no power over me. This is a really good retreat for families...I enjoy & am good at this sort of thing. I LOVE working with families & kids when I have the chance...but I don't want my h to be upset. That's why I keep going back & forth.
aileD Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 You tell your preacher there are personal reasons you cannot work with him and that it would be disrespectful to your husband to be put in that position and you must respectfully decline. Non of the other stuff matters. 1
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I would find something else to do that weekend, if you do not want to tell the priest why you must decline to participate. The event will continue and it will benefit the community, even in your absence. I personally, would plan something really nice to do with my family that day and enjoy your time together. I'm so sorry for your experience, but you seem to have worked through the experience and built a very happy life for yourself. Much admiration for your strength and courage. Edited June 5, 2017 by BaileyB
4fin Posted June 5, 2017 Posted June 5, 2017 I would like to add...part of my dilemma is personal. I like showing he holds no power over me. This is a really good retreat for families...I enjoy & am good at this sort of thing. I LOVE working with families & kids when I have the chance...but I don't want my h to be upset. That's why I keep going back & forth. How do you know he didn't suggest you to the priest as a volunteer? I can guarantee your husband will be upset. I'm on the way to my mother in law's who allowed my wife to date a 16 yr old at 13 yr's old. There's pics all over the house of her sister's wedding 3 days prior to her rape with her in them. It sets me off every time I go over there.
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 How do you know he didn't suggest you to the priest as a volunteer? I can guarantee your husband will be upset. I'm on the way to my mother in law's who allowed my wife to date a 16 yr old at 13 yr's old. There's pics all over the house of her sister's wedding 3 days prior to her rape with her in them. It sets me off every time I go over there. I was in charge of every kid's organization at church for at least 10 years, I had to give it up bc of my son being special needs. I talked to the priest about being upset I haven't been able to help, so it makes sense why he called me to help bc my son can be involved. I called the priest & set up a day to talk to him, with my husband. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Excellent move...talking to the priest along with husband covers all bases. It makes the priest aware of the situation...and it also provides wonderful insight for your husband. Well done. I would be bothered that this man would be around children knowing he raped you at age 15. I cant help but think the priest may prohibit his participation...and i hope he does. This man got away with what he did...kharma is hell sometimes....literally. 1
BaileyB Posted June 6, 2017 Posted June 6, 2017 Excellent move...talking to the priest along with husband covers all bases. It makes the priest aware of the situation...and it also provides wonderful insight for your husband. Well done. I would be bothered that this man would be around children knowing he raped you at age 15. I cant help but think the priest may prohibit his participation...and i hope he does. This man got away with what he did...kharma is hell sometimes....literally. Agree. If the priest is wise, he would be rethinking his decision to allow this man to participate in any event involving children. You, on the other hand, are a very courageous and wise woman. Best wishes. 1
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Posted June 6, 2017 Excellent move...talking to the priest along with husband covers all bases. It makes the priest aware of the situation...and it also provides wonderful insight for your husband. Well done. I would be bothered that this man would be around children knowing he raped you at age 15. I cant help but think the priest may prohibit his participation...and i hope he does. This man got away with what he did...kharma is hell sometimes....literally. I agree with this but in my culture (many Eastern European cultures) age is not looked at the way it is in more western mindsets. I was 17 & in a bar, now I know it's not my fault but no one is going to look at him as a pedophile, jerk absolutely!!! But not a actual predator that shouldn't be around kids. That's how he got away with telling all the men that he did. Many young women in my church marry men 10+ years older than them. It's just a cultural thing. So 16 & up is not looked as exactly a child...the priest is a very intelligent man with 6 kids of his own that I have close relationships with due to my work in the kids organizations. I know he'll give me good advice but I also know he isn't gonna to keep this man away from kids. I knew this man my whole life & he waited till I was in a position to take advantage of me in a way that there wasn't anything I could do about & I know that. Not going to lie, the day he got sentenced to prison, I was a little happy about it ;')
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 7, 2017 Posted June 7, 2017 well best of luck to you and your husband and what ever happens I hope you both come out of this stronger
Popsicle Posted June 8, 2017 Posted June 8, 2017 Sounds like statutory rape to me and it's too bad you didn't tell an adult then what happened and sad that you still feel the effects today.
Author Whoknew30 Posted June 8, 2017 Author Posted June 8, 2017 Well we went to speak to the priest yesterday...he said of course he understands why I wouldn't want to do it & that he is the one that chose to ask me to help. BUT it took an interesting turn... He spoke to my H about him being upset but reminded him that this happened to me & that if I feel this is the finale nail in the coffin of my healing, he should be supportive in my decision. I wasn't expecting that advice but he had a point...why should I not do something I want bc of this man, it's almost like him still having a power position in my life. He made it clear that it should be my decision & mine alone & it's ok for my husband to feel how he wants but unfair to be upset at me on how I chose to proceed bc it's almost like holding me accountable for what happened. Turns out this man is paying for everything & will show his face but it would be his wife I'd be planning/working with & I really lie her. So not only did I decide to do it but my H is going to do it with me! This man still can't look my husband in the face & he feels the priest is right...this man should be the one to feel uncomfortable, not me. My H has decided not only is he going but to be a speaker to explain what it's like to be a dad of a special needs child. Thanks for the advice to speak to the priest...helped tremendously (
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