RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Hello Should I cheat is like a yes and no response. I live in the United Kingdom and the context of my question is related to being married over 15 years with three teenage kids and having a wife I am no longer physically attracted to. I do care about her, but I am not even sure I love her the same anymore. I have women everyday around me trying to be with me, but I have been fighting within myself to hold on like a roller coaster. My wife is nearly 120 pounds over the married weight and refuses to take care of herself. Numerous requests are met with verbal agreement, but no action. She only stayed obese after our last child and chooses not to change. I cannot please her anymore because of the attraction part. I am not turned on like I used to be and it shows as soon as we start anything physical. If I leave her, I lose a lot. If I stay and cheat, I still have the family and still have my sex life. I work out a lot and I am in fantastic shape. I just feel so damn empty without my partner and what has happened between us. I am thinking that cheating is the only way, but it does feel very wrong and I really do not want to do it. I am just not sure how else to cope. Any thoughts would be much appreciated! RT Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 I think the main practical trouble with cheating, beyond the concepts of betrayal and dishonesty and all that, is that you're placing a bet that nothing will go wrong, and that you can have your cake and have it too. It's possible, but I think something unexpected always pops up and makes you feel like you're at imminent risk of disclosure. Your kids will hate you if they learn about your betrayal. Those are the chips you're considering putting on the table. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ipsy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 be a man, if you want to sleep with someone else, deal with the consequences and divorce first. Cheating makes you look like a jerk and let's be honest, you would be a full on jerk. You think you won't eventually be found out? Why not be responsible and tell her it'so done and end it properly, don't be the sleazy guy who runs around and lies and cheats. Have respect for her and for yourself and do things the right way. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Hello Should I cheat is like a yes and no response. I live in the United Kingdom and the context of my question is related to being married over 15 years with three teenage kids and having a wife I am no longer physically attracted to. I do care about her, but I am not even sure I love her the same anymore. I have women everyday around me trying to be with me, but I have been fighting within myself to hold on like a roller coaster. My wife is nearly 120 pounds over the married weight and refuses to take care of herself. Numerous requests are met with verbal agreement, but no action. She only stayed obese after our last child and chooses not to change. I cannot please her anymore because of the attraction part. I am not turned on like I used to be and it shows as soon as we start anything physical. If I leave her, I lose a lot. If I stay and cheat, I still have the family and still have my sex life. I work out a lot and I am in fantastic shape. I just feel so damn empty without my partner and what has happened between us. I am thinking that cheating is the only way, but it does feel very wrong and I really do not want to do it. I am just not sure how else to cope. Any thoughts would be much appreciated! RT No you do not cheat... ask for a divorce 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 No. (10 characters) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rouik Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 The short answer is no, when you married her did you not say in sickness and in health? Stick by your commitments and do the right thing for your wife and children. Show them what a good father is like and when things are not going your way you can make them better by sticking to it and not giving up. If you give up now when things aren't the way you want you will just be showing your children its ok to lie and cheat to get their way. Show them the better road the one with some hardship and effort but that will ultimately lead to a much better result. If you cheat you will almost assuredly end up divorced, honor your vows and make the right choice. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 You think you get to have your cake & eat it too if you cheat. What you will lose is the respect of your children. If you cheat they will know their father is dishonorable liar. If you divorce, they will understand that you did what was best for everybody. Your choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatdeww18 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Agreed, cheating is not the answer like many have stated. I can see how you are compelled to go that route as you have expressed this problem to her without avail. Like others have stated, it isn't honorable and your children will be affected by either decision: to cheat or divorce. Physical intimacy is important for a relationship. It sounds like it is quite an important aspect for you to feel connected to your partner as you "feel empty." Unless I am understanding that wrong and you meant that you would feel empty without your partner in the future. Possibly, there is more to this issue than meets our eyes on this board? Maybe, both of you are disconnected emotionally, or being complacent in different areas of the relationship? This is purely just me playing devil's advocate. As such, if you are unhappy, you are free to walk. However, what if you talk about problems in the marriage, feelings, and attempting to work at it together? Even marriage counseling if you feel it may need to go there. This can all be viewed as idealistic but it is another perspective that you can take into consideration. Wishing you the best, -WhatDEWWWWW Link to post Share on other sites
Jagged100 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Does your wife work? Does she perhaps suffer from depression or something similar? Like everyone else above has said, absolutely do not cheat. But you know this already so why are you asking for permission? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 be a man, if you want to sleep with someone else, deal with the consequences and divorce first. Cheating makes you look like a jerk and let's be honest, you would be a full on jerk. You think you won't eventually be found out? Why not be responsible and tell her it'so done and end it properly, don't be the sleazy guy who runs around and lies and cheats. Have respect for her and for yourself and do things the right way. I know you are right. I just stopped caring about what I look like in her eyes or even my children's eyes. I am a jerk. I already know this about myself. I am just trying to hear from the rest of you about something I guess I already know and I think I am screwed. I just want to be appreciated again. I never thought intimacy would be such a ruling factor. Thank you for replying! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 I think the main practical trouble with cheating, beyond the concepts of betrayal and dishonesty and all that, is that you're placing a bet that nothing will go wrong, and that you can have your cake and have it too. It's possible, but I think something unexpected always pops up and makes you feel like you're at imminent risk of disclosure. Your kids will hate you if they learn about your betrayal. Those are the chips you're considering putting on the table. I am placing a huge bet. But if the outcome is the same in terms of divorce, then it seems like I am just worrying about how people see me. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 The short answer is no, when you married her did you not say in sickness and in health? Stick by your commitments and do the right thing for your wife and children. Show them what a good father is like and when things are not going your way you can make them better by sticking to it and not giving up. If you give up now when things aren't the way you want you will just be showing your children its ok to lie and cheat to get their way. Show them the better road the one with some hardship and effort but that will ultimately lead to a much better result. If you cheat you will almost assuredly end up divorced, honor your vows and make the right choice. There has to be a time limit on how long a heart can hold on. Affection is more important to me now than it ever was. I am alone without affection and these other women that want to be with me always compliment me and make me feel special. I get none of this from my wife. I began flirting a few weeks ago and it has made a tremendous difference in how I feel about myself now. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 You think you get to have your cake & eat it too if you cheat. What you will lose is the respect of your children. If you cheat they will know their father is dishonorable liar. If you divorce, they will understand that you did what was best for everybody. Your choice. Thank you for the advice. I am trying to keep my sanity and I am not sure if cheating here and there would make it easier or harder. A divorce would undoubtedly be harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Agreed, cheating is not the answer like many have stated. I can see how you are compelled to go that route as you have expressed this problem to her without avail. Like others have stated, it isn't honorable and your children will be affected by either decision: to cheat or divorce. Physical intimacy is important for a relationship. It sounds like it is quite an important aspect for you to feel connected to your partner as you "feel empty." Unless I am understanding that wrong and you meant that you would feel empty without your partner in the future. Possibly, there is more to this issue than meets our eyes on this board? Maybe, both of you are disconnected emotionally, or being complacent in different areas of the relationship? This is purely just me playing devil's advocate. As such, if you are unhappy, you are free to walk. However, what if you talk about problems in the marriage, feelings, and attempting to work at it together? Even marriage counseling if you feel it may need to go there. This can all be viewed as idealistic but it is another perspective that you can take into consideration. Wishing you the best, -WhatDEWWWWW You are correct that physical intimacy is important. I do feel empty because I feel like I do not have the love partner that I thought would be with me and I would be with. No one told me that some women change to the point that men like me would suffer because of it. I am unhappy, but the thing is I am happy about everything else. She is my world and my everything when it comes to all other things that have no intimacy. Once we get to that point of intimacy, I just can't make it happen. Yet, with other women talking to me I am so turned up and feel like a king. I am strongly leaning toward counseling, but I am not sure how that is going to change her physical appearance. I feel like blaming her, but I am not sure if that is the answer. I am also thinking that if we did divorce she might only then change her appearance. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Browse some posts in the infidelity forum before you embark on the cheating journey. Many posts will sound as if you've written them and are about your family life. You are asking for trouble for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RiskyTear Posted June 5, 2017 Author Share Posted June 5, 2017 Does your wife work? Does she perhaps suffer from depression or something similar? Like everyone else above has said, absolutely do not cheat. But you know this already so why are you asking for permission? My wife does not work. She stays at home all day taking care of the house and such. She can easily go to the gym or exercise, but does not. She might have some depression, but nothing I can tell from the outside. She seems pretty content, but does voice her concerns on intimacy with me as well. I do not want to cheat, but I feel like without that part of affection I am feeling like a loser. I am not asking for permission, more than I am asking for other ways to see the situation. Some of the ideas here are starting to help, but I just want to exhaust my options before I do or do not cheat. Thank you for the reply! Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Those women that are trying to be with you, are not just going away quietly after you hook up with them. You'll find the mistress a lot harder to handle than your wife, because the mistress can ruin you any minute and she knows it. So it will likely end badly after first putting you through hell. After your teenagers are a bit older, your wife may suddenly leave you anyway, since you are no longer needed for child rearing purposes. Better start talking to her soon. Be honest. And you may get back that partner for life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Hello Should I cheat is like a yes and no response. I live in the United Kingdom and the context of my question is related to being married over 15 years with three teenage kids and having a wife I am no longer physically attracted to. I do care about her, but I am not even sure I love her the same anymore. I have women everyday around me trying to be with me, but I have been fighting within myself to hold on like a roller coaster. My wife is nearly 120 pounds over the married weight and refuses to take care of herself. Numerous requests are met with verbal agreement, but no action. She only stayed obese after our last child and chooses not to change. I cannot please her anymore because of the attraction part. I am not turned on like I used to be and it shows as soon as we start anything physical. If I leave her, I lose a lot. If I stay and cheat, I still have the family and still have my sex life. I work out a lot and I am in fantastic shape. I just feel so damn empty without my partner and what has happened between us. I am thinking that cheating is the only way, but it does feel very wrong and I really do not want to do it. I am just not sure how else to cope. Any thoughts would be much appreciated! RT I am not even going to read your post. No the answer is always no.... I am a former WS/OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 If you were to share these thoughts with your wife... what kind of effect do you think it might have on her? Do you think she would kick you out? Do you think it would help her to take better care of herself? Do you think it would devastate her and cause more depression? What do you think? Because the choice you make to cheat will destroy her. Divorce will hurt no doubt about it... but I don't believe divorce destroys a person the way finding out a person cheated on you does.... and chances are... the choice to cheat may very well end in divorce. Have you taken your wife to a dr. In most countries 120 pounds over weight qualifies for surgery and medication. When you have to lose a whole person... it is overwhelming. Have you tried to help her? Have you asked her to go with you to the hymn? Or to take a walk around the block? You can help be her motivation instead of throwing her away because you no longer find her attractive. We all just want to be loved for who we are... the way we are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Have you thought that maybe it's a spiral... You're not attracted..no intimacy..she feels it...eats depression etc...takes less physical and emotional care of herself....you're not attracted.. It's all connected. You both prob feel the same thing and want the same thing but don't know how to express it, or get it from eachother. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 What does your wife say when you tell her that you have these thoughts and why? How clear have you been with her that these things about her are depressing you to the point that you are considering divorce, or worse, cheating? My guess is that you haven't at all. You said that she mentions wanting to do something about it, but doesn't....why don't you try helping her? offer to meal plan and prep with her, offer to go for a walk, etc. but she definitely has to know that this is affecting you this greatly...Right now, she assumes that you love her unconditionally, she might have a hard time changing for both of you, without knowing how you really feel. I agree she is probably depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 My wife does not work. She stays at home all day taking care of the house and such. She can easily go to the gym or exercise, but does not. She might have some depression, but nothing I can tell from the outside. She seems pretty content, but does voice her concerns on intimacy with me as well. I do not want to cheat, but I feel like without that part of affection I am feeling like a loser. I am not asking for permission, more than I am asking for other ways to see the situation. Some of the ideas here are starting to help, but I just want to exhaust my options before I do or do not cheat. Thank you for the reply! How have you expressed to your wife your concerns about her weight? Cheating is not the answer. It will only bring more problems and destroy your wife. And yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 Thank you for the advice. I am trying to keep my sanity and I am not sure if cheating here and there would make it easier or harder. A divorce would undoubtedly be harder. You are assuming divorce would be harder because you are making the false assumption that you won't be caught cheating. Let's assume you WILL be caught cheating - divorcing her first, before doing ANYTHING, will actually be a show of your integrity. You will have maintained your commitments as a man and a husband, as ironic as that sounds. If you speak with her first and say how much this is affecting you, to the point that you are willing to divorce her so that you can move on, and she still does nothing about the situation, that is another point in your favor. You will have been forthright, honest, and given her the chance to make a change. A person who tries to have it all will end up with nothing. You are looking for an easy way out and there is none. The only way out is THROUGH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donbar Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 NO! Do not cheat. It may destroy you, your wife, your children, and the OW you cheat with. Talk to her or divorce her. Or both. I cheated and wish I had not. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted June 5, 2017 Share Posted June 5, 2017 (edited) I am strongly leaning toward counseling, but I am not sure how that is going to change her physical appearance. I feel like blaming her, but I am not sure if that is the answer. I am also thinking that if we did divorce she might only then change her appearance. I may be in the minority but I believe staying fit and attractive for your mate is important. I think it's unfair of her to gain over a hundred pounds (that's almost another person) and you are expected to just accept it. But I also wonder how it is that you are fantastically fit and she is morbidly obese. She's depressed no doubt about it and she needs help. She needs to see a doctor. As for you choosing to cheat because all these women are chasing you, please... See your wife through this and it will make you proud of who you are. The cheating will just make you a liar and ashamed of yourself. Sit her down and really talk to her. Get her help no one happily wants to carry around that weight. Edited June 5, 2017 by mercy not telling 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts